caro
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Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Aug 24, 2014 2:14:58 GMT
In this situation I would not be able to be friends with her.
What does your DH say about this situation? I would have to discuss this situation with my DH.
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4gr8kids
New Member
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Aug 24, 2014 0:55:58 GMT
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Post by 4gr8kids on Aug 24, 2014 2:15:57 GMT
I had a similar situation. I didn't approve, but I am friends with her, not her husband, and we are friends for many reasons that have nothing to do with how her marriage went. That's nothing to do with me. She's now divorced and remarried and I love her a lot. I'm glad I still know her. I'm not her judge and jury. See I agree with this. She didn't cheat on me. I know the other day, when we talked I asked if she had talked to him. She said yes, but claims they hadn't talked in 2 weeks before that. But she said he needed to talk to her. I told her she can't have it both ways. If she wants to work it out with her husband she needs to cut all ties with him. If not, then she needs to file for divorce and leave her husband. So I don't really know whats going on. But agree people make mistakes. It's when you keep repeating them that it becomes an issue.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 24, 2014 2:25:12 GMT
I could because I think forgiveness is important. Humans mess up. We grow. We change. I would hope that my friendship with that person would be a positive influence on her. Now if the behavior was repeated that would sway my decision in the end. I wouldn't want that behavior in my life as a permanent fixture. I probably have friends that have cheated and I have no idea.
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julieb
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Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Aug 24, 2014 2:39:01 GMT
No. If she can lie and cheat on her dh, she can lie to you without batting an eye.
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Post by momofkandn on Aug 24, 2014 2:43:37 GMT
I couldn't stay friends with her for two reasons. The first probably makes me very biased. My marriage is over because my husband cheated. I know first hand the pain and destruction affairs cause. Whether they divorce or stay together, she has caused her husband an unbelievable amount of pain that will change him forever. I have trouble being friends with someone that could inflict that kind of pain on someone they are supposed to love.
The second reason is that she is continuing the affair. She's being selfish and dishonorable. She's untrustworthy. I'm not friends with people like that.
Now if she ends the affair and then makes a decision about her marriage I might be able to be friends with her again in the future. But only of she expresses true remorse for what' she's done.
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Post by chlerbie on Aug 24, 2014 2:43:50 GMT
Yes, I could. People make mistakes and learn from them. I would talk to her and let her know that I don't agree with what she's doing and take things from there.
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compeateropeator
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Jun 26, 2014 23:10:56 GMT
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Post by compeateropeator on Aug 24, 2014 2:51:35 GMT
Well I will be the odd man out and say yes/maybe. But I think, depending on how close of a friendship it is, it would gradually end on it's own.
I would not just drop a friend because of that just as I would not "disown" a sibling or family member that I found out had cheated on their spouse/partner. I may not be happy with them and they would know it. I also would not lie or cover for them.
ETA - well I feel a little bit better, while I was typing that out people did say they would/might.
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4gr8kids
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Aug 24, 2014 0:55:58 GMT
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Post by 4gr8kids on Aug 24, 2014 2:57:35 GMT
Yes I understand what its like to be cheated on. My first husband did. Although it was just sex and not an emotional affair. It was a deal breaker for me. We had been married a very short time and had a child. I would not wish that on any person. Well besides me ex....It was a deal breaker for me. Did I waffle in my decision. Absolutely. I knew in my heart that was what needed to be done. But it was actually pulling the trigger and doing it. Was the hardest decision of my life. She has told me that she is only wanting to try and make it work for her kids. If she didn't have kids she would be gone. I said i don't think kids is the end all be all reason. I do think you owe it to your kids to try and work it out. So I think she has made her decision and she does want to end her marriage. But I also have compassion and understand how hard it is to make that decision. Uggg I just wish I didn't know so much!! When her husband came by I just broke down and cried. I feel terrible for him, i know the pain. I didn't have 15 years of marriage like they do.
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Post by penny on Aug 24, 2014 2:58:17 GMT
I'm not sure... Everyone makes mistakes and I'd hope my friends to stick around when I make mistakes... "Mistake" seems like the wrong word - I mean more of a bad habit/pattern/etc... It would definitely change things about our friendship and that might bring about the end to the friendship, but I'm not sure that I would end or cut off all contact with them...
It's hard... I would hate to send the message to a cheater that I think what they're doing is okay... I think it's important to love/care for people even when they're making bad choices - I'd struggle with how to do it though...
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Post by *KAS* on Aug 24, 2014 3:05:46 GMT
Could and have. Even though it was ongoing and her husband thought it was over and I knew otherwise. Her heart said one thing, her head another. I tried to convince her that her heart was stupid. Or, more accurately, tried to get her out of the romanticized view of how life would be if she left her husband for this guy (he's divorced & their kids are friends. Her husband works constantly. That's how they met. 2 'single' parents at kids' sporting events). I didn't like it, agree with it, or support it. But I didn't abandon a 17 year friendship at a time I thought she needed me the most.
It seemed to have helped her. She's giving her marriage a real shot and cut off the other guy. Her husband agreed to go to counseling. We'll see if it lasts.
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Post by dulcemama on Aug 24, 2014 3:21:27 GMT
Can and have. I don't condone cheating. Cheating is wrong every time. But I have seen a good person make a very, very bad decision more than once. I know I've made some very bad decisions too. An ongoing pattern of selfish, irresponsible, toxic behavior is one thing. I don't keep that kind of person close to me. But a friend who got into a bad situation and is trying to fix it or struggling to figure out what to do now, I will have her back every time. I'm sitting on this bench. I try to approach people with grace in my heart.
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YooHoot
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Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 24, 2014 3:34:59 GMT
I'd hate to say no I wouldn't be friends with someone who did that. A friend is a friend to me even if they do something stupid (as long as it's legal). You might be the voice of reason for her right now. She might need a shoulder to lean on and someone to point out how big of a dumbass she is being. People do stupid shit and sometimes make errors in judgement and she's obviously not thinking clearly. Now of this is repetitive behavior or she's involving me in her lies, that's different. I won't cover for you. But if you did something dumb, and you are truly remorseful...I'd like to think I wouldn't turn my back on you.
Sticky situation OP. Sorry.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 24, 2014 3:37:59 GMT
There are things that I could overlook even if I didn't agree with them, but continuing to cheat on a spouse is not one of them. A cheater is by nature dishonest and i would not want to be associated with that. If our kids were friends, I would be friendly at events and the like, but would not be friends outside of kid events.
And I would certainly not be a sounding board for her.
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Post by shaniam on Aug 24, 2014 3:55:09 GMT
I'll give you a different perspective. I was the one who cheated. (This is very hard for me to talk about so please no flames.) I was at a very low point in my life and made a few bad decisions that took me down a path I never would have thought I would go down on. I won't go into all the details. I know I was wrong. It took me a little whole to get my head and life back in order. My friends knew I was wrong. I am so grateful they didn't just write me off for making some really bad choices. I put my life and marriage back together. It turned out to have been the best thing that happened to my marriage. We are happier now than we have ever been. My friends (and husband) loved me through it. They never condoned what I was doing or helped me try to justify what I did.
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The Birdhouse Lady
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Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Aug 24, 2014 4:06:10 GMT
Not in this situation. I can keep my mouth shut when I need to but my face tells everything. I think trust has been broken and what if her current relationship ends and she starts making eyes at your husband? She obviously is not loyal and lies. I would end it before you get drug further into her mess.
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Post by *leslie* on Aug 24, 2014 4:35:13 GMT
No, I couldn't remain friends. She has no boundaries. What happens if she decides she likes my husband next? Curious, is the man she's having an affair with married?
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Post by femalebusiness on Aug 24, 2014 4:53:10 GMT
That's the other thing to add. My kids are good friends with her kids. If that's the case, I would remain friendly but not friends for the sake of my kids. This. I couldn't be friends with someone that I didn't like, and I just plain wouldn't like who she is any more.
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justmer
Shy Member
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Jun 29, 2014 0:08:39 GMT
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Post by justmer on Aug 24, 2014 5:09:35 GMT
Yes I think you can, I had the same thing happen to me many years ago, but they did not divorce, I told her she was my friend and that, I loved her, but I hated what she was doing, we are still best friends ,even after I moved 1300 miles away fourteen years ago.
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Post by AussieMeg on Aug 24, 2014 5:11:45 GMT
It depends on the nature of my friendship with both parties. If it was my BFF of 40 years, then absolutely I would stay friends with her.
If it was a couple that both I and my partner were friends with then it would be less likely.
Either way, I would not condone the cheating.
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tracylynn
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Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Aug 24, 2014 5:58:29 GMT
I was friends one with someone who want married but kept sleeping with attached men. After awhile I got tired of the whining and told her what I really thought. We weren't friends after that. I don't regret it!
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Post by miominmio on Aug 24, 2014 6:10:59 GMT
I honestly don't know. I don't accept cheating at all, especially not if it is an ongoing affair. If you fall in love with someone else, then end your current relationship before you start the new one. But if it was a longtime friend? I would hate to lose the friendship, but I don't think I could trust that person again (if she could lie to her husband, she could lie to me, and if she doesn't respect her own marriage, how can I trust her to respect mine?) I would probably gradually let the friendship grow distant, but I don't know for sure.
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 24, 2014 7:20:53 GMT
That's the other thing to add. My kids are good friends with her kids. If that's the case, I would remain friendly but not friends for the sake of my kids.
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Post by pmk on Aug 24, 2014 7:31:19 GMT
If that's the case, I would remain friendly but not friends for the sake of my kids. ^^^ This. I think this is probably where I lean towards - the kids all being friendly adds an issue that's probably going to be difficult. I mean, do you explain the all the kids that they can't be friends with each other and why? Ugh, I don't envy you the situation as my dh and I had something similar happen (we were friends with the couple who split up - he left her for someone else but hadn't been having an affair while married....or so they said). He was one of our children's godfather and we ended up having to choose between him and her because she insisted we couldn't be supportive of her when friendly with him.
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Post by gar on Aug 24, 2014 7:31:20 GMT
While I don't approve of cheating she didn't cheat on me and I don't think it necessarily means she's someone I wouldn't want to be friends with. I also don't think it means she could easily lie to me for example. It's one part of who she is not her entire personality so, if we were dear, long-term friends then yes, probably I could stay friends. Having said all that I don't think it's a decision that very often needs to actually be made - these things have a way of being decided for you usually, by a change in circumstances, location or whatever.
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Deleted
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Oct 10, 2024 14:26:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2014 11:03:25 GMT
I am familiar with a similar situation. Couple were engaged, not married yet. Separated in location because of school. Girl cheated once. Friend mad at her, but stayed friends.... still friends many many years later. Girl did not continue cheating after marriage and Never really considered could lose a friend because of her actions...definitely did not want to lose this very good friend.
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lesley
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Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on Aug 24, 2014 11:39:34 GMT
I can't believe those of you whose primary concern is that she might sleep with your husband next. Good grief. Just because she's slept with one other man does not mean she will sleep with all other men. In response to the OP, yes, I could stay friends. My closest friend had an affair when she was young. She became pregnant, and didn't know who to. Even though her husband was completely unaware of the affair, he insisted she get an abortion, as they (he) did not want children. She did abort the baby, although it made her all kinds of messed up. She was punishing herself enough at the time - she didn't need me to judge her too. She and her husband have now been married 31 years, and have two children. I don't know how happy her marriage is, tbh, but we remained the closest of friends for many, many years.
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4gr8kids
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Aug 24, 2014 0:55:58 GMT
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Post by 4gr8kids on Aug 24, 2014 12:53:01 GMT
No, I couldn't remain friends. She has no boundaries. What happens if she decides she likes my husband next? Curious, is the man she's having an affair with married? Yes the other guy is married also with children.
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Post by jackie on Aug 24, 2014 13:31:58 GMT
Yes. Friendship isn't contingent on friends making all the right decisions all the time. If it's a true friend whom I love then I love them flaws, terrible mistakes and all. I would make my feelings known about the situation and I would refuse to ever be her cover or lie for her. I do think I would work really hard at making her see what an awful thing she's doing, encouraging her to either end it or leave her dh.
When someone is in a terrible situation, even if it's of their own making, that's when they need a friend the most.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 24, 2014 13:35:43 GMT
I had a similar situation. I didn't approve, but I am friends with her, not her husband, and we are friends for many reasons that have nothing to do with how her marriage went. That's nothing to do with me. She's now divorced and remarried and I love her a lot. I'm glad I still know her. I'm not her judge and jury. See I agree with this. She didn't cheat on me. I know the other day, when we talked I asked if she had talked to him. She said yes, but claims they hadn't talked in 2 weeks before that. But she said he needed to talk to her. I told her she can't have it both ways. If she wants to work it out with her husband she needs to cut all ties with him. If not, then she needs to file for divorce and leave her husband. So I don't really know whats going on. But agree people make mistakes. It's when you keep repeating them that it becomes an issue. I think a good friend stands by when you make a bad choice, they don't validate it or agree with it, but they are your friend! (This is from someone who was cheated on! )
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brandy327
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Jun 26, 2014 16:09:34 GMT
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Post by brandy327 on Aug 24, 2014 13:36:15 GMT
Probably not. That's a huge moral dividing line. Also, if my friend had no qualms about sleeping with another woman's husband, how do I know she's not going to set her eyes on MY husband next? (Yes, my dh has the ability to say no, but why have that sort of person in my life?)
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