gloryjoy
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Jun 26, 2014 12:35:32 GMT
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Post by gloryjoy on Aug 24, 2014 14:07:08 GMT
I had a friend who cheated on her husband. I wasn't friends with him, hardly knew him but her and I had been friends since we were 13 years old. There were lots of problems in the marriage but that doesn't mean she should have had an affair. I looked the other way because I wasn't in her shoes and didn't think it was right for me to judge her.
One day she called me and asked "if anyone phones looking for me tell them blah, blah, blah". I can't even remember what it was. Her 10 year old daughter called me the next morning crying, looking for her Mommy. That was the day it crossed the line for me. I phoned her and told her she needed to go home right away. She is still my friend but it's not the same. I don't have the same trust and respect for her.
And she did end up getting divorced.
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Post by *KAS* on Aug 24, 2014 14:24:35 GMT
Very few people who have affairs are cheating for sex. It's a connection with the other person that leads to that. So I'd say your husbands are safe UNLESS of course their friendship was already inappropriate. Sex is like the last puzzle piece. But the rest of the puzzle is already complete before that happens usually.
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mstubble
Junior Member
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Jun 26, 2014 23:42:13 GMT
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Post by mstubble on Aug 24, 2014 14:39:22 GMT
Would anyone's answer be different if this wasn't a friend but a family member? Say your sister, brother, parent, etc.?
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YooHoot
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Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 24, 2014 14:45:07 GMT
Would anyone's answer be different if this wasn't a friend but a family member? Say your sister, brother, parent, etc.? Excellent point. And not sure why a person would be worried a cheater would go after their own spouse. That's like a gay man wanting all men. I don't think it works like that. In the end it's a decision you have to make. I stand by my decision of remaining friends as long as the behavior doesn't continue and I don't get wrapped up in the drama.
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Post by Pahina722 on Aug 24, 2014 14:45:26 GMT
If the affair had been a one-time thing, I would be the shoulder to cry on. She would need the support. However, if she is continuing the affair and asking you to lie for her, the friendship would be ended. Anyone who would expect me to compromise my principles to cover up her lack of integrity isn't someone that should be in my life.
That the children are friends is irrelevant. The children can be friends without the parents being friends. Heck, my parents barely knew the parents of most of my friends!
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Post by Crazyhare on Aug 24, 2014 15:24:00 GMT
I have a friend that cheated. And we have remained friends. There were problems in her marriage than needed addressing, but she let herself get sucked into an affair. I did not condone it and was very blunt about what I thought about it. In the end, she reconciled with her husband and they addressed the problems that they had in the very beginning. I won't say it hasn't changed our relationship, because it has. I lost some respect for her. I
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Nanner
Drama Llama
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Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Aug 24, 2014 15:38:49 GMT
I would remain friends. My bff and I have been friends for over 30 years through many different stages of our lives. And I will always be there for her, no matter what the issue is. Just like she is for me.
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Deleted
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Oct 10, 2024 14:23:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2014 15:45:56 GMT
In the situation you describe? No. She's still cheating and lying to her husband about it. Lying like that is a huge dealbreaker for me-in any relationship.
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back to *pea*ality
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Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Aug 24, 2014 16:42:29 GMT
No, that would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be pretty upfront about ending the friendship too. Over the years for various reasons I've let friendships fade away but I'd be pretty clear in this instance.
It sounds like the husband is also in your circle of friends and continuing the friendship is tacit approval for what she is doing.
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4gr8kids
New Member
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Aug 24, 2014 0:55:58 GMT
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Post by 4gr8kids on Aug 24, 2014 17:04:06 GMT
Her and husband are very good friends of me and my husband. Yesterday when I talked to him. I said this is extremely hard for me. She is my friend and so is he. But I in no way shape or form condoned it. I also said you need to protect yourself and kids. That he had been way too nice and forgiving. He was willing to forgive and work things out. She not so much, like i stated before only because of her kids was she willing to try. I do believe she had stopped talking to him for a short period of time. Now I don't know what to believe....she called me late last night. I did not answer my phone. Trying to just stay out of it.
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Post by I-95 on Aug 24, 2014 17:51:05 GMT
No, and I have ended a friendship over it. Really awkward because her child is my Godson. Not happy with your DH? GET A DIVORCE!!
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Nicole in TX
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Jun 26, 2014 2:00:21 GMT
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Post by Nicole in TX on Aug 24, 2014 17:54:16 GMT
I would no longer be able to be friends with her.
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raindancer
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Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Aug 24, 2014 18:06:24 GMT
Would anyone's answer be different if this wasn't a friend but a family member? Say your sister, brother, parent, etc.? Sure. Because family is different than a friend. I choose friends, and I can choose to end the friendship. I didn't choose my sister. I think this is a weird question. The entire dynamic would be different.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 24, 2014 18:15:19 GMT
I can be friends with someone if I don't agree with their political leanings, etc. But I can't be friends with people who cheat on their spouse (probably because I've been the cheated on spouse before and I think very lowly of those who cheat) and I can't be friends with people who abuse their kids.
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luvnlifelady
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Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 24, 2014 18:52:16 GMT
I think you can be. My friend cheated on her husband. She ended up leaving him and moving back east (from CA) with 3 of her 4 boys to be with an old flame. It didn't work out though and she ended up moving back to CA but the damage was done with her ex by then. Very sad situation. However, I have remained friends with her (and I was on the other side of the equation once too). Our boys have been best friends for 13 years so that was the main reason why I stood by her.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 24, 2014 19:36:45 GMT
No. The deal breaker is she's still lying and cheating. I'd be very upfront with her about why you feel unable to be close friends. For the sake of the kids, I'd be polite, but not BFFs.
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Post by *leslie* on Aug 24, 2014 20:38:06 GMT
No, I couldn't remain friends. She has no boundaries. What happens if she decides she likes my husband next? Curious, is the man she's having an affair with married? Yes the other guy is married also with children. Wow, two ruined families. I just can't be around someone like that.
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Post by *leslie* on Aug 24, 2014 20:40:23 GMT
Very few people who have affairs are cheating for sex. It's a connection with the other person that leads to that. So I'd say your husbands are safe UNLESS of course their friendship was already inappropriate. Sex is like the last puzzle piece. But the rest of the puzzle is already complete before that happens usually. No, it's about having no boundaries. You don't make "a connection" in the first place.
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Post by Really Red on Aug 24, 2014 20:57:21 GMT
Short and easy answer: No.
If there were extenuating circumstance (and I cannot think of any now), possibly. Not because our kids were friends.
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Post by moveablefeast on Aug 24, 2014 22:50:23 GMT
Very few people who have affairs are cheating for sex. It's a connection with the other person that leads to that. So I'd say your husbands are safe UNLESS of course their friendship was already inappropriate. Sex is like the last puzzle piece. But the rest of the puzzle is already complete before that happens usually. No, it's about having no boundaries. You don't make "a connection" in the first place. I believe we are hardwired for deep connection. If we don't find the real thing we are liable to find any number of counterfeit versions of it - without necessarily realizing that is what we are doing. I 100% believe a sad and lonely spouse can walk into an affair not saying "I think I will go make a connection with this other person today" and be absolutely bewildered how it happened - and even know it was wrong every step of the way.
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Post by *KAS* on Aug 25, 2014 14:46:38 GMT
Very few people who have affairs are cheating for sex. It's a connection with the other person that leads to that. So I'd say your husbands are safe UNLESS of course their friendship was already inappropriate. Sex is like the last puzzle piece. But the rest of the puzzle is already complete before that happens usually. No, it's about having no boundaries. You don't make "a connection" in the first place. Right - I said unless their friendship was already inappropriate. In which case it was, that's just as much (or more so) on your husband than on your friend. My points is that most people that cheat on a spouse aren't just out looking for the first thing that walks, or trolling their friends' husbands for the hot ones. Your husbands are safe unless your friend is already involved in an emotional affair with your husband.
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Post by NanaKate on Aug 25, 2014 15:00:53 GMT
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone...
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Post by gar on Aug 25, 2014 15:02:58 GMT
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... Indeed.
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loco coco
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Jun 26, 2014 16:15:45 GMT
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Post by loco coco on Aug 25, 2014 15:05:00 GMT
I lost my best friend of 20 years to something like this. She had cheated several times but the final straw was when she was cheating with a man whose wife was on her death bed dying of cancer! Yes, you read that right. The wife passed and she moved into his house.
I actually cried this weekend because I miss her so much but I know she is not right in my life.
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Deleted
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Oct 10, 2024 14:23:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2014 15:34:03 GMT
Probably not - but I am jaded.
My former BFF and ex-husband had a 9 month affair before I found out. I would have a real problem with a close friend of mine having an affair after my life was destroyed by one.
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Post by I-95 on Aug 25, 2014 16:09:52 GMT
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... Indeed. Nobody is claiming to be perfect, or without sin, but each of us decides where our own moral boundaries are. Liars thieves and cheats cross my self designated boundaries. I may cross the boundaries someone else has set up for themselves, and that would be the consequences of my behavior.
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Post by gar on Aug 25, 2014 16:25:10 GMT
Nobody is claiming to be perfect, or without sin, but each of us decides where our own moral boundaries are. Liars thieves and cheats cross my self designated boundaries. I may cross the boundaries someone else has set up for themselves, and that would be the consequences of my behavior. I understand that, but for some people it seems so....black and white......hard to explain. Life isn't usually as cut and dried, yes/no, as it sounds or seems and I think it's easy to say "I would never...." or "I definitely couldn't...." but that doesn't take into account circumstances, emotions, friendship history, untold parts of the story etc.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 25, 2014 16:39:29 GMT
Yes, I could still be friends with someone. But it really depends on their level of remorse. I had a friend who cheated on his wife. He ended up being with this other woman for about a year. He always felt guilty about the way his relationship with her started. Although, he did love her. And he was unhappy with his wife. But he regretted that the other woman came into the picture before he split with his wife.
Also, my mother left my father for another man. At the time, I was very upset with her. She has been with this man for 14 years now. I refused to meet him for 7 years. Then I got to know him and he's not a bad guy and is a good match for my mother. My mother has regrets about this too. So I can forgive her. And the situation with her helped me to have some compassion for my friend when he went through this.
Ultimately, I can forgive someone who feels regret for starting a new relationship before they ended their old one. But they have to genuinely feel like they did something wrong and be apologetic for it.
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~Susan~
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You need to check your boobs, mine tried to kill me!!!
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Jul 6, 2014 17:25:32 GMT
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Post by ~Susan~ on Aug 25, 2014 17:01:36 GMT
I use to have a very good friend that confessed to me that she had cheated on her husband once when they were going through a rough patch. She told me that it was the biggest mistake of her life and she would not ever do it again. I don't know if she did, but I never thought of her the same way again. We had a falling out and are no longer friends, but I heard that she and her DH are very happy together.
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Post by jonda1974 on Aug 25, 2014 17:08:30 GMT
Can and have. I don't condone cheating. Cheating is wrong every time. But I have seen a good person make a very, very bad decision more than once. I know I've made some very bad decisions too. An ongoing pattern of selfish, irresponsible, toxic behavior is one thing. I don't keep that kind of person close to me. But a friend who got into a bad situation and is trying to fix it or struggling to figure out what to do now, I will have her back every time. This exactly. We are all human, we all make mistakes. The friends that I call friends are in my life because they are more important to me than anything. I'm not going to desert them or trample on them because they make a mistake. Toxic, negative, fake people on the other hand? I don't even let them get to the point of being called a friend.
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