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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 24, 2014 14:15:52 GMT
I have a lot of different thoughts on this topic but am going to try to keep it simple....
My older two kids are overweight. They have different personalities and different thoughts on this. The oldest, age 11, is not as much overweight as his younger brother, but he is bigger than his friends. He has high self-esteem and is able to let things roll off his back. He considers himself to be muscular and not overweight at all. I appreciate his high self-esteem and don't want to change that. However, he is very critical of his brother--his size, what he eats, etc (he is critical of him in other areas as well). I do address this with him quite often. He is not a big eater. He does have a sweet tooth so if goodies are around (or other junk food he likes) eat will eat it, but at meals he doesn't eat much. He has gained a little weight over the last year but for the most part his weight has stayed stable. I'm hoping he will have a growth spurt soon and will thin out.
My 9 year old DS is taller and heavier than my oldest. He is also a big eater. He eats very quickly, grabs more, and overeats. I don't keep junk food in the house, but he will overeat whatever is there. For example, one day I came home shortly after they got home from school. There were six cheese wrappers on the counter. I asked about it and the oldest said he hadn't had anything to eat yet. So, the 9 year old had 6 pieces of cheese and who knows what else with it. Yesterday I had hoagie buns in the drawer to use with our dinner. When I came home, there were three gone. Again, the oldest did not have any. The 9 year old said he ate them with lunch meat and cheese. These are only a few examples. I also think that he is an emotional eater. I have noticed that when we go to a party or family get together he eats constantly, while the other kids hardly eat anything because they are more interested in playing with new kids. To me it seems that his ability to recognize when he is full is missing.
We have talked about being healthy as a family and avoid talks about weight specifically. I don't keep a lot of junk food in the house but there are plenty of opportunities to have treats at other people's houses, at events, etc. I try to limit that but also don't want to make a big deal of it or be the food police, especially when their friends are there eating just as much or more than they are.
They are both in sports and are active, although in the last few weeks I have noticed the 9yo getting out of breath more often and do worry about his health. They just started football last week so that should help them stay active.
So, my dilemma is how to approach this. I have seen so many posts over the years where people said that their parents made their weight problem worse due to how they treated them or talked to them about their weight, and I want to avoid that. I also don't want to damage my son's self-esteem even more as he is so sensitive. I want to help him feel strong and feel better about himself (he has said that he wants to lose weight a few times). I do tell him to slow down when eating but it doesn't do any good. At meals I encourage everyone to eat more fruits and veggies before getting more of the main dish. Should I be laying out their after school snacks each day and enforce more rules on what to eat/what not to eat? Do more education about serving sizes, etc? Count his calories? Even if he just stayed the same weight it would be fine. I just don't want him to keep gaining at the pace he has been.
I am going to talk to everyone about a family health challenge and make a calendar for everyone to write down the activity they do each day. Any other ideas? If you were overweight as a child, what did your parents do right or what do you wish they had done differently? If you have/had a child who was overweight, how did you help them slim down and be healthy?
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332 
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Post by gloryjoy on Aug 24, 2014 14:34:02 GMT
Can I just say I am happy that you are wanting to help your son's and are trying to approach it from a "health" point of view.
I wish I could offer you some ideas but the only ones I have are to not buy junk food, soda, juice. Try to get your son's to drink water. Have the whole family eat a clean and healthy diet. Maybe include them in meal planning, look for recipes that you can adjust to a healthier version, like replacing ground beef for ground turkey etc.
If the food isn't in the house they can't eat it. Of course that only works when you are at home.
I do know that both my son's when they were that age were a little "chunky" but they did both slim down a couple of years later when they hit their teens.
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Post by *KAS* on Aug 24, 2014 14:48:12 GMT
Not a mom, so I don't have a lot of good 'mom type' advice. But I was an overweight kid (which wasn't addressed in my house b/c my parents were/are too. I wish it had been).
One thing I thought of is could you at least require the boys to drink a glass of water before snacking? You could say it's because you want to make sure they are staying hydrated (truth) - but hopefully it will help them (especially the 9yo) to take a minute and think before he starts eating AND hopefully filling his belly a little bit too?
I like a family fitness challenge.
What about also making a night where they are each responsible for dinner, where you can help them plan a meal, and therefore use that as a way to talk about portion sizes - and how much they need to prepare for everyone?
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Post by happymom on Aug 24, 2014 15:13:18 GMT
I agree with the advice about water. When I see my son opening the fridge, I ask him if he is hungry or thirsty?
I try not to talk about weight but we do talk about energy and complexion and food as fuel. We talk about red light, yellow light and green light foods.
If it is in the budget, would your boys think fitbits are fun? The world is so techy now, and it is kind of a family challenge to get to 10,000 steps etc.
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 24, 2014 16:00:18 GMT
Just had this conversation with a neighbor, she's worried about her ten year old. My son gained starting at ten, remained chunky for about three years. He was/is active in a sport, but got big around the middle. He was teased,,although he too brushed it off. I know he held it inside.
Anyway, he weighed the same at end of fifth grade and end of eighth grade. Somewhere in there he grew 5-6 inches, maybe more.
This summer sodas have been our family demon, and if he misses practice for a few weeks he starts to get little belly. But at least now he is seeing the connection, even if he chooses to ignore it. He looks like a lean athletic guy - but isn't the bone thin type. Looks proportioned and healthy. And except for sodas and teen junk eats fairly healthy.
You'll get good suggestions here on diet. Want you to know some of us BTDT, and sometimes it's how boys develop.
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Post by SockMonkey on Aug 24, 2014 16:11:43 GMT
I don't have kids, but before you do ANYTHING you should talk to your family doctor, maybe get them in for annual checkup and have the conversation with the doctor. I know that boys at that age often get chunky and then thin out at the beginning of high school. The eating thing could be hormonal; middle school and high school boys eat like nothing I've ever seen.
Keep your eye on the emotional eating thing, though. That would be an area of concern for me. Have you talked to your son about what he does when he feels anxious? Maybe he needs help with some coping strategies there that don't involve food. Again, your doctor may be of help.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 10, 2024 14:18:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2014 16:17:50 GMT
I think talking to your 9 year old about portion control is appropriate and healthy.
No one needs THREE buns with meat and cheese for a snack. If he's hungry, maybe he could have one bun with extra meat, some cheese, and then some water?
I understand preteens are gearing up for growing and can have huge appetites, but it's also healthy to learn to eat appropriate amounts.
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brandy327
Drama Llama
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Post by brandy327 on Aug 24, 2014 16:22:25 GMT
I've always been overweight and still fighting the battle (although I've lost a significant amount). As a kid, I was allowed to drink soda from an early age and was never taught portion size, which I feel is a HUGE problem. My parents didn't have a lot of money and either chose NOT to buy fruits/veggies with what they had or didn't want to. I ate Little Debbie snacks for breakfast frequently because both of my parents worked so I was pretty much on my own from the time I was 8 or so. And I saw what my parents ate...my mom always ate a Little Debbie Brownie for breakfast with her coffee...so I picked up on that and often did the same. My dad skipped breakfast but would start eating junk food by 9 or 10am. I LOVE your approach to this - how can I help them eat healthier vs losing weight. If you get them more conscious of eating healthy vs losing weight, then one will lead to the other. My kids are 11 and two that are almost 10. Since I've been on a eating healthy kick for 10+ years, they've all grown up with eating lean meats and lots of fruits and veggies. DS (11) is on the spectrum and has a lot of texture issues and food aversions but I still try my best to get him to eat as healthy as I can despite his eating challenges. My girls (almost 10) know what are good choices and what are not. They know to drink lots of water, not much juice (I don't even buy it...they only get to have it at birthday parties or special occasions) and no soda (except on their bdays). They LOVE candy and junk food...and know that it's ok to eat it occasionally. What I did that has helped us tremendously is that right from when we had the kids, they were not allowed to just go and get whatever they wanted to eat. When they were little, they'd say they were hungry and I'd get them a snack. As they got older, they had to (and still do) ask to get something to eat. At their current ages, they ask if they can have _________ for a snack. They know the rules and that I prefer fruits or veggies/dip for snacks...but occasionally they will ask for Cheezits or Goldfish and I usually let them have it. Because again, everything in moderation. I also never let them eat out of the bag/package. They MUST get a small bowl (I have the smallest ziplock tupperware bowls that we use for snacks) and they portion it out into those. I've also taught them in the last year to read labels on the food they're eating. Look to see what a portion is...and that's what they eat. I've also started teaching them that often if something is low in portion size and calories are high and are high in fats, then it's probably not a good choice. I'd like to think that what we're teaching them will help them make better choices when they're on their own. I know they already know WAY more about healthy eating than I EVER did as a kid. All 3 of them are in a healthy weight range and are active. One of my twin girls is super sensitive and has already asked if she is fat. I reassured her that she is NOT...and when she went to the doc for her yearly checkup, I asked the doctor point blank how their weights were, knowing that they were in a healthy range. She assured both girls that they're doing fantastic and are healthy weights. She reminded them to eat lots of fruits and veggies...and both were happy that they could tell the doc that they eat fruits and veggies EVERY day.  |
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Aug 24, 2014 16:27:14 GMT
My son gained a lot of weight just right before puberty around 11 as well. My pediatrician wasn't concerned and told me that it is common with boys. They kind of chuck up before they spurt up.
He became self conscious and wanted to lose the jiggle in his belly. So, we made some changes. He went to summer camp and took a Gatorade with him. He also played sports and took Gatorade to practice. He took water to camp and made it his primary drink of the day and only took Gatorade when he had practice.
Also, I made sure he had a source of protein along with carbs and that the carbs were fruit or vegetables versus starch.
I think you can make some minor adjustments but to some extent this is normal.
I don't think it is appropriate for your older son to comment on your younger sons eating. Perhaps the younger one is overeating from anxiety of older brother or in defiance. I'd be more concerned about that aspect.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 24, 2014 17:46:54 GMT
I'm a bit concerned about my kids too. 17 yo DD and 14 yo DS. More so DS for some reason. He hasn't had his growth spurt yet, so that may take care of things some but he's getting teased by a girl now that he's in high school. She calls him "Gibby" (from ICarly) because he's got some jiggle going on. He doesn't seem to mind and is confident socially but it bothers me.
I am in the midst of making room for a treadmill at home. I want to work up to a 5K by my 50th next year (I am not a runner at all) and I know the kids will use it too. They also recently started band which will help too.
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Post by penny on Aug 24, 2014 22:09:35 GMT
Not a mom, but was an overweight kid... For me it was also driven by emotions more than other things... My parents never had snack food around, my mom baked and cooked everything from scratch (applesauce instead of sugar in baking, spinach in brownies - the whole deal)... I would have never opened up to my parents... I would have loved to speak with someone outside of the home though - a therapist... I did go to a nutritionist, but it wasn't that I didn't know calorie counts or serving sizes, so that didn't help... If there is an emotional side to it, consider that it might be very difficult for him to talk about that side of things and that someone removed from his day to day or home life might be easier for him to open up to... I say it because it's so obvious how much you care and want to help  Him speaking to someone else is no reflection on how he feels about you - sometimes it's just easier to talk to a stranger than your parents Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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Post by baslp on Aug 24, 2014 23:24:58 GMT
I took my 15 yr old son to a nutritionist and she came up with a plan. ( I was tired of constantly reminding him -- watch what you are drinking and eating) He now had to answer to her. He was not eating a great breakfast , eating a little a lunch. So by the time he arrived home, he was starving plus his metabolism had slowed way down during the day. He lost weight by limiting orange juice and chocolate milk. He also was watching his portion size. He also increased his exercising at home and in the gym. He looks great now. His lacrosse coach also mentioned that he needed to become quicker on his feet. So he knew that his weight was not helping him on this skill. Good luck.
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Post by scrappychick on Aug 24, 2014 23:31:09 GMT
I think you should have a frank conversation with the younger one about good food choices, and portion control. Tell your older son to zip his lip. You are the parent, and he has no business policing what goes into his brother's mouth.
Use specific examples of how he could have made a better choice. Instead of 3 sandwiches, he could have one, some cut up veggies, and an apple. He needs something filling, that takes effort to chew.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Aug 25, 2014 0:53:21 GMT
If you think your younger one is an emotional eater, I'm going to suggest talking to the pediatrician about it and asking about a therapist who specializes in behavior modification techniques. (Address the underlying emotional problem but also learn new behaviors to substitute for eating.)
Signed, a middle-aged emotional eater who wishes it would have been nipped in the bud when she was, oh, five.
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Post by chirpingcricket on Aug 25, 2014 1:05:06 GMT
I would take the older child for counseling separately, because it sounds as if he hasn't developed a sense of sympathy or kindness, and I'm worried about how his critical attitude affects the younger child.
All the comments about the younger child are valid. I'm so glad you're seeking help in this matter -- it is clearly complex, and you're clearly a very caring person. I just would worry more about the harmful effects that the older child has on the younger child than I would be about the younger child's impulse control issues.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 25, 2014 3:33:47 GMT
Last year I talked with the pediatrician about my 9 year old (then 8yo) and his weight, asked approximately how many calories he should be eating, etc. At the time, I was there for an appt for my youngest son so the 9 yo was not with me. Dr. said that he does not hesitate to talk to kids about their weight and to bring him in. When I brought DS, the dr just looked him over and said, "You have a really strong boy here." He has a well-child check up in a few weeks so we will see what the dr says now. He is 5' tall, weighs 130 and has size 9 (mens) shoes. He is very strong, but I do feel that he is gaining weight too quickly.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 25, 2014 4:15:57 GMT
What type of movement does the 9 year old get? Does he play sports? I've seen kids slim up in a season just by practice and games.
I can't help on the food front as I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. DS is 13, 5'6 and weighs 90 lbs. He needs to gain weight, bu tit isn't like the boy doesn't eat.
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Post by putabuttononit on Aug 25, 2014 4:43:31 GMT
My younger dd didn't grow in height as quickly as her sister. She seemed a little overweight to me and dh wanted me to talk to her about it. I remembered something I'd read about maintaining, and not trying to actually lose, as they are still getting taller. (For kids who are heavier but not obese or at health risk) I have always modeled healthy eating, exercise etc, so I just included her a lot more in my choices. I asked her opinion and never mentioned her weight at all,but answered her questions which were obviously about her.
I was more concerned with setting a pattern for her life, than about immediate results. I felt if I mentioned it, or got her started counting calories , etc, it wouldn't be good and might start some bad habits. I kept sharing with her, daily. I told her that I never weigh, because a number doesn't matter to me, but I can tell by how my clothes fit if I have lost or gained. She said yeah she could too. Eventually she felt comfortable telling me she felt fat, and I said honestly that she wasn't, but it was a great time of life to become AWARE of food choices and exercise. I told her that just being aware of what you eat, and just eat exactly what you want or what your body needs, and no more..is an easy lifestyle choice.
Over the next year I saw her become more and more aware, and her eating habits changed as she stretched out, and worked out. The more she trimmed down the more she enjoyed riding her bike or her horse, or sports. One day I looked at her and realized how trim and toned she was. But I didn't praise her body at all, I simply said she was making really wise lifestyle choices, I had read somewhere that a mom shouldn't mention weight gain OR loss. For my dd, this fits her personality well. For other kids it might not be smart, but I followed it.
I grew up with a mom who constantly dieted, talked non stop about calories, and her weight, and every day she was "good" or "bad" depending on what she ate. I promised myself I'd never make food a judge of good or bad days, and I'd never talk about weight or dieting in front of my kids. I can honestly say my kids have never heard me say I was on a diet or how many calories something is. They have never heard me criticize my own body (it's not perfect either!) they have seen me many times turn down goodies, or say no thanks to dessert, or just say I'm full. But I just do it, if I want to lose weight I do it but I don't talk about it.
I'm so thankful that I never gave in and told my dd she was overweight or told her to lose, or monitored her food. She developed habits I still see everyday, at just fifteen years old. I hope she can continue to love life and love food but simply make smart choices overall, for the long term.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Aug 25, 2014 12:56:04 GMT
I personally, think there are two issues. Bullying and weight. I am going to address the bullying.
In my opinion, the most worrisome, is one son is bullying the other. Commenting, criticism, putting down, if it's happening in front of you, then it's happening behind your back. And, behind the back, it gets worse.
I was bullied within my own home as a child, by siblings(whole, half and step). Teased, picked on, made fun of, outcast, etc.... All these years/decades later, I am still sensitive to that type of behavior. I didn't have weight issues back then, it was other in regards to stuff.
So, please, please, please....address this with the "bully" son.
You mention, your over-weight son, is an emotional eater. The more he is bullied and picked on by the other brother, the more he is going to turn to food for comfort.
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Post by hollymolly on Aug 25, 2014 14:05:46 GMT
Agree about dealing with the older sons behavior first. If younger son is an emotional eater, then addressing his food intake is not going to help. What needs to be addressed is 1. What is causing the need for comfort food and 2. What can he do for his emotional needs instead of eating.
I think it is very telling that he is snacking so much when you are not home and he is alone with older brother. Address the cause of the emotional distress, then address alternative responses for him. Please do this with the help of a professional.
One more thing from my own experience, be careful about letting the older son know that the younger son is seeing a counselor until you've discussed that with the counselor. Otherwise, it's one more thing to give younger son a hard time about, and may make him resistant to counseling because his brother has made him feel shame about it.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,562
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Post by MerryMom on Aug 25, 2014 15:43:57 GMT
I'm confused because there is a contradiction in your post:
You wrote:
He does have a sweet tooth so if goodies are around (or other junk food he likes) eat will eat it, but at meals he doesn't eat much.
but then you wrote:
My 9 year old DS is taller and heavier than my oldest. He is also a big eater. He eats very quickly, grabs more, and overeats. I don't keep junk food in the house, but he will overeat whatever is there.
I would keep my conversation with him more about portion control:
1 piece of cheese is okay: 6 pieces of cheese is not okay
1 sandwich is okay: 3 sandwiches is not okay.
I don't think it is acceptable for the older brother to be so critical of the younger brother, so I would be nipping that in the bud asap. You've been addressing with him quite often, so now it is time for you to take away his beloved cell phone or video game or not go somewhere. A day for each occurrence of being "so critical".
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 25, 2014 16:08:01 GMT
I am not saying that we never have junk food or never make cookies, etc. But it isn't in the house regularly. For example, right now we have string cheese, several varieties of fruits and veggies, rice cakes (that have been here for weeks unopened so apparently nobody likes them), popcorn if they want to make it (whole kernel, not prepackaged microwave popcorn), water (no juice in the house) for snacks. Yesterday we came home from church and DS9 immediately asked what was for lunch. I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was preparing leftovers from the night before--two hot dogs and a hamburger, all with cheese on buns. I told him that was too much and he was reluctant to take some of it off his plate, but did end up giving one of the hot dogs to his younger brother. What I am saying is that even with limiting snacks, he will just eat more of what IS available. We will have a talk about portion sizes again. It has been awhile since we had a sit down about it, but I do address things as we go.
As for the oldest DS, I do address his comments. Honestly, I don't think he recognizes when he is doing it which makes it hard to change. Of course I will keep talking to him about it.
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Post by Dictionary on Aug 25, 2014 16:24:38 GMT
I tend to think that the youngest ds may have the beginning signs of an eating disorder. I love that you are concerned and don't want to make weight an issue but perhaps a few sessions with a counselor are in order to help your ds figure out and understand why he eats. Obviously his older brother is being a bit of an older brother bully picking on him and thus doesn't do your youngest ds's self esteem much help. I would just take both boys and your family for a healthy visit..just tell them it's to help you guys become a better family, to learn to become more sensitive to one another.
I would also talk your pediatrician to see if the weight gain is significant..obviously kids gain before they grow upward but you may want to see where they are at on the growth chart.
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Post by houston249 on Aug 25, 2014 17:35:12 GMT
It seems you have 2 issues here.
1st the older son is making personal comments. That is never ok and is a social skill he has to learn in order to be the most successful adult he can be.
2nd the healthy eating- weight issue.
Approach it as a team. Everybody participates. I still remember wolfing down my food and everyone had to chew their bite of food 20 times. Grandparents, parents and the kids. Frankly, it was my grandma who insisted. Claiming it was good for our digestion and we would absorb more nutrition. Turns out she was right, there are many studies proving her right. We also had to drink after every bite. Science has proved her right on that one too. You absorb more nutrients.
-8 ounces (or more) of water 30 minutes before eating.
--try drinking as the meal is being prepared.
--grab a glass of water before you start getting ready in the morning. Carry it around as you get ready. I actually carry a glass of ice water and a cup of coffee. I feel better when I add the water to my morning routine.
--fact. A body absorbs water slowly. Hydrating 2-3 days before your event is better than drinking the same amount the day of the event. I bring this up because your sons are in competitve sports and maybe they would be more willing to hydrate regularly knowing they will have an edge on the other team.
-overeating can be a sign of dehydration. ( or your just a great cook lol)
-soda or ANY drink (other than pure juice or milk) is considered a treat in our house. When we go out we do have soda and after the first round it is water only. We rinse out our cup (assuming we are at a fast food joint) and fill it with water and ice.
-fruit juice, there was a reason resturants use to serve it in 6 ounce glasses. This use to be the norm. Resturants started giving us larger servings to get our business not because it was nutritionally sound.
- when we leave the house we almost always take a water to go in our preferred containers. I dont buy bottled water very often. I dont like the container waste.
-I once ordered complete, adult size meals from Mcdonalds for everyone and brought them home. Yes I brought home happy meals. Yes, a happy meal is an ADULT serving. It made a huge impact on my family. At the time mcdonalds served 8 ounce sodas with the kids meals. That was a lesson well learned. The kids were amazed and still reference it 10 years later.
-juice and milk are considered a nutritional serving in our house. They are not a way to hydrate ourselves. Not that I never have cookies and plenty of milk. I do! I just keep pointing out to the kids that mom just had all her needed dairy for the day and will have to eat fruit. I hate and dispise fruit somi choke it down to be an example. I often cheat and eat a vegetable instead. Still, the kids get that we need to have a balenced diet.
- chew each bite 20 times. Everybody should do this. Have a bit of a contest with it. who can master the skill the fastest and make it a habit. If the older one starts picking on the younger one, say something and then exclude him from participating because he is to immature to participate and act like an adult that knows personal comments or attacks are never warranted. Studies show you eat 20% less when you chew everything 20 times before swallowing.
-chocolate
--just for full discloser here. I hide it in my bedroom closet and eat it after the kids go to bed. Yeah every night.
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Post by houston249 on Aug 25, 2014 17:37:09 GMT
Wow, that post was larger than I thought.
Looks like I might win an honorable mention for epic posts today.
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Refupea #402
Him speaking to someone else is no reflection on how he feels about you - sometimes it's just easier to talk to a stranger than your parents 
