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Post by flanz on Jul 17, 2017 20:34:56 GMT
... alive? I'm heading home to Canada for three weeks in a couple of days. My mom is 85 and in good health, a huge blessing! She went through some horrible experiences during WWII as a young girl in Europe, but she was not Jewish and was not in the camps. Another huge blessing....
Mom is the only one of DH's and my four parents still living. I have good notes of conversations I had with my Dad when he was in his 80s - he wouldn't talk about his time in the concentration camps before then.
My mom has never been one to talk about feelings... ever. I'm wondering what I might regret not asking her about someday.
Would love to hear from you if you feel like sharing, and love and hugs to all who have lost their parents or a parent. Sometimes they were wonderful and are deeply missed, and other times they failed us, but I think we always feel the loss anyway... not sure about that.
xo
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by ellen on Jul 17, 2017 20:44:26 GMT
I lost my mom unexpectedly three years ago, I find myself wondering really basic things - how she cooked things, basic advice, etc. I don't really have blanks in history that I'd like to have filled in. I mainly miss having a mom. It sucks.
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Post by psoccer on Jul 17, 2017 20:55:15 GMT
My mom has dementia, so why she is here, there are questions she can't answer. When my dad passed two years ago, my brother wanted to start cleaning their house out, although my mom still lives there (with care). I went to the photos, which he told me to toss. Pictures and letters were in various spots through the house. I wish I could ask questions about them. They were old photos of both my mom and dad growing up. I wish I had found them when they were alive. I had never known my dad went to France as a young man. I found letters my dad wrote to my mom, I wish I could ask questions about those. My advice to you is that if you can find old photos, ask questions about the people. Other stories will come up. I can show my mom pictures of her family, and if she recognizes someone, she can tell some crazy fun stories. Look for newspaper clippings, cook a meal with her, maybe a recipe that has been handed down. Food always brings up memories. Best of luck, my parents and grandparents held so many memories close. I remember trying to ask my grandmother questions, and she shot me down so quickly. My dad had some funny stories, after she was gone. I better start writing.
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Post by katlaw on Jul 17, 2017 21:55:08 GMT
I lost my father when I was 22. I wish I had asked him what he thought of my mom the first time he saw her. I wish I had asked him what he felt and thought the first time he saw me. I would ask him things about his childhood that he did not share with me growing up. Who was his best friend? What did he like to do in school? What did he dream of doing when he grew up? Just things that I would like to know now that I have those types of memories.
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Post by workingclassdog on Jul 17, 2017 22:17:17 GMT
Every time I am with my mom I get her to talk about family stuff. I try to write them down so I don't forget.. in hopes one day the memories will end up in a scrapbook for the kids. Everyone once and awhile I come up with some good stuff she tells me. She never graduated from high school (got her GED).. I NEVER knew that until recently. She was VERY poor growing up. Had 7 siblings and lived in Kansas in the middle of no where. When they moved into their house they grew up in, no electricity or bathroom (eventually her dad got those in at some point). There were no stores at all within 30 miles I am guessing? They never went to the 'city' (which would have been Kansas City) until one of her sisters was very sick and had to go to the hospital there. Then they went once but could only see her sister through the window outside, no kids allowed) The church was actually right behind their house (and still there..it's over 130 years old) and the school was across the street (still there and looks like a school but it just gets rented out for weird things. I think photographer rents the space. But she was embarrassed to be that poor and left high school to go to work.  So lots of stories like that I have been keeping...I do wish I would have spent more time with my grandmother and got stories from her. My mom has some stories but of course I want more!! |
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 17, 2017 22:28:36 GMT
My mom died when I was 23. She never got to meet my kids. I wish they had had the chance to know her, My youngest has her spunky personality. Very sarcastic, loving, and fun. I think of questions a lot of times that I would liked to have asked her. Perhaps you already know quite a few things about her since she is still living at 85. Enjoy your visit!
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Deleted
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Jul 3, 2024 13:10:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2017 22:28:59 GMT
Why they had me and why the hell didn't they give me up for adoption?
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Post by papersilly on Jul 17, 2017 22:35:23 GMT
who was the true love of her life and when was the last time she saw him and why didn't it work out?
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,849
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Post by CeeScraps on Jul 17, 2017 22:52:14 GMT
How did you meet dad? (My parents were high school sweethearts, I just don't know how they met.)
When dad was in the army where did you live? Did you write him a lot?
I know she wanted to be a nurse, but I don't know why this didn't happen. Once the 4 of us were older she volunteered at the hospital and ended up with a full time job doing EKG's.
What was the best time of your married life?
What was the worst time of your married life?
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Deleted
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Jul 3, 2024 13:10:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 0:32:27 GMT
I think of things frequently, but today I can't come up with anything.
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Post by corinne11 on Jul 18, 2017 0:52:13 GMT
My mother trekked out of Burma when the Japanese were advancing- she was very young and it was only when she had dementia did a few random (scary) memories return. We had a great relationship but I too wish I had asked her more questions about her younger years. When my father died a few years ago I used an autobiography he had started writing before Alzheimers and Parkinsons took over to use for his eulogy. Stories of how his parents couldn't afford to send him to school, so he ran away and caught a train from New Delhi to Calcutta, aged 10. He was sent back straight away and he managed to go to school. This would explain how he travelled with his wife and 2 young children half away across the world to Australia for a better life. Stories of how he worked as a mechanic, walking miles to work each day for very little pay. How he learnt to type from a church group and eventually got a job at the American Embassy- when he came to Australia he became a computer programmer- an up and coming job in the 60's! I have started to write my own story and just recently told my husband to do the same. He is Welsh and I know very little about his life there before he came here as a teenager. I also wish I had recorded conversations with them- it has been 3 and 2 years since they both died and sometimes I struggle to remember their voice. Enjoy your visit with your mum, every moment is indeed precious. Corinne |
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Post by mom on Jul 18, 2017 1:00:17 GMT
I don't know that I wish Inhad asked her anything but I wish I had video of her talking and laughing. I wish that more than anything, actually.
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marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by marimoose on Jul 18, 2017 1:02:23 GMT
Why they had me and why the hell didn't they give me up for adoption? WOW! I am so very sorry for whatever it was you experienced:( |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 18, 2017 1:04:13 GMT
I wish I would have recorded her telling the stories from her childhood and young adulthood. My mom grew up during tough times (Depression) but she and her siblings were funny, spunky, determined and resourceful! She had great stories and even though she told them to us often, unfortunately memories fade when they aren't recorded in some way right away. |
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Deleted
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Jul 3, 2024 13:10:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 1:05:17 GMT
My mom died 2 years ago & lived with me the last 5 months of her life. I took care of her (driving , dr appts, everything she needed) for at least 8 years before she finallycouldnt manage living alone. So we spent lots of quality time together. Honestly, she told me almost too much about my dad & their marriage & subsequent divorce when I was little. She never remarried & he did multiple times. Also, I found a diary she had kept during three years in the time they were separated & divorced. I read it then shredded it.
Enjoy your time with your mom. I'm thankful I had all that time with mine. We had a lot of good times & good conversations, even mixed in with details I didn't need to know.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 18, 2017 1:05:25 GMT
I would get pointers about her recipes. I would also ask more about family history. It's been many years and the list of questions builds.
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Post by flanz on Jul 18, 2017 5:30:17 GMT
My mom died when I was 23. She never got to meet my kids. I wish they had had the chance to know her, My youngest has her spunky personality. Very sarcastic, loving, and fun. I think of questions a lot of times that I would liked to have asked her. Perhaps you already know quite a few things about her since she is still living at 85. Enjoy your visit! Thanks a bunch to all of you who have replied, and hugs to you missing one or both parents. I know many factual things about my mom and have visited her sisters and my cousins, etc. on the farm she grew up on in Poland, and I correspond with them as well. What I don't know is her inner self, her thoughts and feelings about most things. She clams up and changes the subject whenever I try to go deeper... |
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Post by flanz on Jul 18, 2017 5:30:49 GMT
Why they had me and why the hell didn't they give me up for adoption? (((HUGS)))) |
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Post by flanz on Jul 18, 2017 5:32:34 GMT
My mother trekked out of Burma when the Japanese were advancing- she was very young and it was only when she had dementia did a few random (scary) memories return. We had a great relationship but I too wish I had asked her more questions about her younger years. When my father died a few years ago I used an autobiography he had started writing before Alzheimers and Parkinsons took over to use for his eulogy. Stories of how his parents couldn't afford to send him to school, so he ran away and caught a train from New Delhi to Calcutta, aged 10. He was sent back straight away and he managed to go to school. This would explain how he travelled with his wife and 2 young children half away across the world to Australia for a better life. Stories of how he worked as a mechanic, walking miles to work each day for very little pay. How he learnt to type from a church group and eventually got a job at the American Embassy- when he came to Australia he became a computer programmer- an up and coming job in the 60's! I have started to write my own story and just recently told my husband to do the same. He is Welsh and I know very little about his life there before he came here as a teenager. I also wish I had recorded conversations with them- it has been 3 and 2 years since they both died and sometimes I struggle to remember their voice. Enjoy your visit with your mum, every moment is indeed precious. Corinne Thanks for sharing. Great point about their voices... I live 2500 miles from "home" and the first time I called and realized that my sister had erased my dad's voicemail message I was very upset with her. Erased! I would have loved to still be hearing his voice on that machine these 12 years later... My family and I had visited twice soon before Dad died, and went back for his funeral. Asking them not to erase his message on the machine did not occur to me... |
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Post by flanz on Jul 18, 2017 5:35:14 GMT
I wish I would have recorded her telling the stories from her childhood and young adulthood. My mom grew up during tough times (Depression) but she and her siblings were funny, spunky, determined and resourceful! She had great stories and even though she told them to us often, unfortunately memories fade when they aren't recorded in some way right away. I will try to do some stealth videotaping using my phone. Thanks! |
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Post by flanz on Jul 18, 2017 5:35:57 GMT
My mom died 2 years ago & lived with me the last 5 months of her life. I took care of her (driving , dr appts, everything she needed) for at least 8 years before she finallycouldnt manage living alone. So we spent lots of quality time together. Honestly, she told me almost too much about my dad & their marriage & subsequent divorce when I was little. She never remarried & he did multiple times. Also, I found a diary she had kept during three years in the time they were separated & divorced. I read it then shredded it. Enjoy your time with your mom. I'm thankful I had all that time with mine. We had a lot of good times & good conversations, even mixed in with details I didn't need to know. your TMI mom is the opposite of mine! |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jul 18, 2017 5:54:11 GMT
Nothing, really. We had a long time to prepare for her death and got lots of talking done before the dementia hit badly. I said everything I needed to say. I have all the answers to all my questions and the rest don't really matter now. I miss her terribly and I am in tears writing this but I am at peace. Every single day I wish I still had my mom and why didn't she live to be as old as my grandfather? My dad's classmate and good friend just lost his mother at 103. Why didn't she get to live that long? I have those questions but they are for God and not my mother.
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Post by flanz on Jul 18, 2017 7:06:38 GMT
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lilbit1va
Junior Member
Posts: 55
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Post by lilbit1va on Jul 18, 2017 8:12:22 GMT
A few years before my Mom died I had my daughter interview her and we video taped it. We made a list of questions about her growing up, did she ever steal anything, her favorite toy. What it was like to teach in a one room school house? What dating was like when she was going through it. All kinds of questions, I made copies for my siblings for Christmas that year and everyone was delighted.
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Post by tracyarts on Jul 18, 2017 8:25:53 GMT
I wish she'd have been willing to talk about her childhood more. She grew up very poor out in a rural area during and in the years following the Great Depression. She left home at 18 and moved to the city and swore she'd never spend another night "in the sticks" as long as she lived. And she never did. We visited her family often but never spent the night, we had to go home to the city or to my dad's parent's house in a small town. I was allowed to stay sometimes, but she refused to. Whenever I tried to ask her about her childhood, she'd give an example of how humiliating their poverty was to her, then screw up her face really ugly and hiss at me for making her remember it, then punish me by giving me the death glare and silent treatment for a few days. My dad grew up in very similar circumstances but was very open about his childhood and always had good memories along with the bad.
My mom was a very bitter and unhappy person, and carried so much anger and shame over her childhood that it ruined her ability to enjoy the good life she grew up into. And since she refused any suggestions for therapy, she ended up wallowing in her misery until she developed dementia in her old age.
I always wish I'd heard some good or neutral memories from her. Her siblings were like my dad. Admitted that it was really tough, but still had good memories. My mom had absolutely nothing but negativity about her childhood.
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Post by pelirroja on Jul 18, 2017 11:40:20 GMT
Signature recipes. My Dad's mom used to make hot german potato salad that everybody raved about. She served it every holiday and almost everytime anyone requested it. When I asked for the recipe, she said it wasn't written down but she could teach me. She would pour sugar into her hand (til it looked right), then we'd measure it to see how much, same with the vinegar, etc. I am the first person to write the recipe down. My mom wasn't interested in learning any of her MIL's recipes so I was the only one trying to learn it, and my grandmother was happy to teach me. When my grandmother passed away, the first Thanksgiving without her was difficult for my Dad. I set a big dish of my grandmother's recipe for hot german potato salad in front of him at our holiday dinner. (Dad didn't know she taught me the recipe). After he took the first bite of it, he had tiny little tears in his eyes, and said it was just exactly like he remembered. That one moment seeing my tough dad get all melty was so worth it. As far as family stories go, I know too many details about events that I have no business knowing. Some relatives unloaded a lot of cr*p in their last moments, as if they were looking for forgiveness or absolution. They got a clear conscience and I got to (involuntarily) hear stuff I wish I never knew. So I'd say ask for recipes but that might just be my family: sometimes they put the "fun" in dysfunction. Your family might be more normal than mine.  |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 18, 2017 13:02:39 GMT
Signature recipes. My Dad's mom used to make hot german potato salad that everybody raved about. She served it every holiday and almost everytime anyone requested it. When I asked for the recipe, she said it wasn't written down but she could teach me. She would pour sugar into her hand (til it looked right), then we'd measure it to see how much, same with the vinegar, etc. I am the first person to write the recipe down. My mom wasn't interested in learning any of her MIL's recipes so I was the only one trying to learn it, and my grandmother was happy to teach me. When my grandmother passed away, the first Thanksgiving without her was difficult for my Dad. I set a big dish of my grandmother's recipe for hot german potato salad in front of him at our holiday dinner. (Dad didn't know she taught me the recipe). After he took the first bite of it, he had tiny little tears in his eyes, and said it was just exactly like he remembered. That one moment seeing my tough dad get all melty was so worth it. As far as family stories go, I know too many details about events that I have no business knowing. Some relatives unloaded a lot of cr*p in their last moments, as if they were looking for forgiveness or absolution. They got a clear conscience and I got to (involuntarily) hear stuff I wish I never knew. So I'd say ask for recipes but that might just be my family: sometimes they put the "fun" in dysfunction. Your family might be more normal than mine. This would be my MIL. She wrote a tell-all, air the dirty laundry memoir a couple years before she passed away and gave copies to DH and his sister. Oh.Emm.Gee.  Definitely nothing I needed to know, and *not* something I want DD to stumble upon and read someday. |
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Post by houston249 on Jul 18, 2017 14:16:19 GMT
Recipes. Even the ones I "hated". I often wish to recreate them and it is really sad i cant.
Seriously, use your voice recorder on your phone.
Start writing down your list of questions now.
Plan on having a second and maybe a third time to ask her questions because the answers can often be a rabbit hole.
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Post by Prenticekid on Jul 18, 2017 15:52:25 GMT
Every day things.
Remember to let her talk too, not just answer questions. My grandma would often say she didn't remember things, but as we talked she would tell you the stuff you never thought to ask....like drawing a line on the back of her legs when she couldn't get nylons. My favorite was when she talked about daring to wear red nail polish and how people used to call them "whore hands."
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Post by peabay on Jul 18, 2017 15:58:39 GMT
Get all the family dirt, gossip, medical history and funny stories you can. Anything you've wondered about over the years, make sure you ask. My mom's been gone 1.5 years and I still have this automatic response of "ooh, let me call mom and ask" when I wonder about something in our family history.
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Definitely nothing I needed to know, and *not* something I want DD to stumble upon and read someday. 
