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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 27, 2014 13:54:01 GMT
Honestly, it would irk me that I bought new shoes and the new shoes were not being worn. I hate to feel like I wasted my money and that's how I would feel. And while I wouldn't fight over it, I would approach it with my kid that way. But I feel your pain. My DS looks absolutely ridiculous right now, his hair is nearly down to his chin and I keep asking him to go get a haircut and he's not budging. His hair looks like a total disaster. I even suggested just a trim and a shape up, but he doesn't want his hair cut. We are having family pictures next week and he looks really bad right now. But I'm not going to force him to get a haircut. I figure once the kids at school see his hair, maybe peer pressure will kick in.
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 27, 2014 13:59:15 GMT
. I really just needed to vent. I understand that! Teens are difficult, and parenting them is hard. I like to remind myself I'm glad I have an independent kid, but that doesn't help during a skirmish!
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Post by **Angie** on Aug 27, 2014 14:17:17 GMT
Haven't read all of the replies....
My thoughts are if it's THAT important to her, let her wear them! It's a pair of shoes, not a pair of shorts with the butt hanging open. If the school has a problem with it, let them tell her.
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Post by kmk1112 on Aug 27, 2014 14:32:20 GMT
When we bought new school shoes we agreed these wouldn't be worn to school. SO that is why we had the argument about the shoes this morning. I am just trying to decide what to do next. Can you still return the new ones? I said earlier I wouldn't fight it, and I still wouldn't, but I'm with you that I would be ticked off about this part. I can't tell you how many things I've bought DD that she loved in the store and had to have and then didn't like once she got them home and it was too late to return.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Aug 27, 2014 14:42:36 GMT
Are the new shoes not broken in enough to be comfortable? Kids do a lot of walking, and new shoes that aren't broken in are very uncomfortable to wear for a long day of walking.
I totally agree if y'all made an arrangement when you bought the new shoes, that she should stick with it.
My mom had to control *everything* when I was growing up. Clothing, hairstyle, everything.
When I was in college, I bought a new pair of shoes to replace an unwearable old pair that turned out to rub the back of my heel all day of walking and hurt so bad. My mom refused to send me money to replace them. It wasn't until the pain got so bad that I went to a doctor who said that if I didn't stop wearing those shoes that I would have a permanent issue (the back was rubbing on a tendon) that she finally relented.
I prefer to wear new shoes for a few hours at a time until they are broken in.
She could also have been teased for wearing brand new shoes when everyone else is sporting the "well worn" look.
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eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Aug 27, 2014 14:48:43 GMT
As a middle school volunteer it's the buns and boobs hanging out of clothing that I'd worry about. Around here pretty much any footwear goes. There is a group of girls that wears Uggs and imitation Uggs.
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,233
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Aug 27, 2014 14:52:16 GMT
As long as it's allowed by dress code rules, I don't care what they wear. Believe me, there will be bigger things than shoes to battle over before she's grown.
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 27, 2014 14:56:40 GMT
I generally let her wear what she wants.. Though she likes to wear her shorts way too short. She has shot up like a weed and the shorts "fit" but really are not appropriate. We will have to have a talk when she gets home. Her reaction this morning was unnecessary, and I am sure we will come to a mutually agreeable decision. I really just needed to vent. The shorts are the hill I would die on. Luckily for us, the dress code says no shorts or skirts shorter than the fingertips (with arms down by her side.) It's not easy finding longer shorts, but it is doable. I bought 2 pairs at Ann Taylor a few weeks ago, of all places. $22 each and they are dressier. Yay! I wouldn't care about the shoes. But I would talk about how she spoke to you this morning. And I would be careful that I don't talk to her that way, either. (Not saying that you do, but I'm amazed at times to hear how some parents talk to their kids and then can't figure out why the kids talk like that!) My DD has several pairs of Converse and wears a pair for a week or so straight. Then it's on to another pair. They were probably convenient on the floor and comfortable. But she doesn't get a free pass to mouth off. Dealing with that is a good reason to miss carpool and drive her myself. Because that's the biggest hill I would die on.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Aug 27, 2014 16:21:35 GMT
Not worth fighting over. Is it really going to make a difference which shoes she wears? I agree! I just found out that my 15 yr old has a reason that she is wearing her old faded Vans with a hole in them. She is trying to see how long they will last. Luckily I don't give her a hard time about them, I just made sure she has a good pair when she needs to wear non holey shoes. Dh kept asking about them and it bothered him, but he has let off lately
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mlana
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Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
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Post by mlana on Aug 27, 2014 16:28:14 GMT
I figured the Pea's would say as much. ( Not being dismissive.. just that is what I figured) When we bought new school shoes we agreed these wouldn't be worn to school. SO that is why we had the argument about the shoes this morning. I am just trying to decide what to do next. I generally let her wear what she wants.. Though she likes to wear her shorts way too short. She has shot up like a weed and the shorts "fit" but really are not appropriate. We will have to have a talk when she gets home. Her reaction this morning was unnecessary, and I am sure we will come to a mutually agreeable decision. I really just needed to vent. If I bought new shoes with the understanding that I was doing so only because I didn't want the old shoes worn to school, I would absolutely die on that hill. I made my kids keep their bargains; I'm really big on remembering and keeping your word. That would be the point I stressed in the evening when she came home. We would talk about while she did one of my chores to make up for blowing up when I held her to her word. Marcy
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calgal08
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,519
Jun 27, 2014 15:43:46 GMT
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Post by calgal08 on Aug 27, 2014 16:28:58 GMT
chances are, she's doing it to get under your skin - and it's working.
Let her wear shoes with holes in them, yes, she might get teased by some of the mean kids, but that was her choice not yours.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 11, 2024 0:28:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2014 16:29:52 GMT
A middle schooler is old enough to choose what they want to wear as long as it's not inappropriate (and by that I mean against dress code and/or too revealing, etc.). Holey shoes, as long as they aren't against school rules, are NOT something I would argue about with a middle schooler.
I would deal with the fact that she went against what you had agreed on - they wouldn't be worn to school - but I would also tell her that you've thought about it further and decided she's old enough to choose her own footwear so you will not forbid them any longer. That doesn't absolve her from breaking your agreement, though. There would be an appropriate punishment for that.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 27, 2014 17:40:34 GMT
When we bought new school shoes we agreed these wouldn't be worn to school. SO that is why we had the argument about the shoes this morning. I am just trying to decide what to do next. Can you still return the new ones? I said earlier I wouldn't fight it, and I still wouldn't, but I'm with you that I would be ticked off about this part. I can't tell you how many things I've bought DD that she loved in the store and had to have and then didn't like once she got them home and it was too late to return. Can't be returned her Dad bought them in Florida last month!
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 27, 2014 17:49:44 GMT
I wouldn't care about the shoes. But I would talk about how she spoke to you this morning. And I would be careful that I don't talk to her that way, either. (Not saying that you do, but I'm amazed at times to hear how some parents talk to their kids and then can't figure out why the kids talk like that!) My DD has several pairs of Converse and wears a pair for a week or so straight. Then it's on to another pair. They were probably convenient on the floor and comfortable. But she doesn't get a free pass to mouth off. Dealing with that is a good reason to miss carpool and drive her myself. Because that's the biggest hill I would die on. The way she spoke to me this morning is the big thing we will be talking about when she gets home. I imagine she will be full of apologies.. but she needs to learn to control her temper in the moment. The other big thing we will be talking about is attachment to things. I get having a favorite pair of shoes... I do not accept being so attached to any "thing" that you feel its okay to be rude about it.
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Post by GamGam on Aug 27, 2014 17:58:17 GMT
"We agreed she could keep them for the weekends, but they weren't to be worn to school." See, right there makes it a hill to die on. It's not about what she wears to school. It's that she made an agreement and isn't living up to it. If it were my house, the shoes would go in the trash the next time she tried to wear them to school. But, I am the meanest mom....so says my son! i agree with JJ. The agreement needs to be honored. This sounds to me like she made you so uncomfortable that you backed off and let her emotions rule the day.
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Post by SabrinaM on Aug 27, 2014 17:59:13 GMT
I remember being a teen and at a new school. Talk to her about her taking her anxieties out on you, but give her some time to adjust.
We're in this exact boat right now. We moved this Summer so we're also going through some adjustments.
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Post by gar on Aug 27, 2014 18:05:06 GMT
So the shoes won't be worn...today....she's a teenager, who knows what she'll want to wear tomorrow. And it doesn't mean the shoes are 'wasted'.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Aug 27, 2014 18:17:06 GMT
I'd let it go. It's not like she doesn't have any other shoes to wear. Where are the holes? On the tops or the soles? You can put a cut piece of vinyl flooring into the shoes if it's the sole so she won't be walking around with soppy socks all day.
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The Birdhouse Lady
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Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,352
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Aug 27, 2014 18:26:41 GMT
Actually I am surprised that so many people say to let her wear them. I don't think the issue is whether or not she should wear them but the fact that you had a conversation that she could keep them and wear them on the weekends only.
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tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,899
Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Aug 27, 2014 18:28:25 GMT
This is not the hill I'd die on for sure.
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Post by keknj on Aug 27, 2014 18:35:03 GMT
I fully expect to be fighting this same battle next week, to the day! We start school next Wed. I bought both kids tie sneakers for the first time this year. They've always gotten velcro or elastic laces (converse!) because that's what they begged for. This time I put my foot down and said they are getting tie sneakers so they flippin learn to tie their shoes properly and consistently. I told them I didn't care if they ever had another pair of tie shoes, but they would learn/get it down with this pair. I expect DS to try to get away with the same ones he's been wearing for a year that I know are hurting his feet, he just won't admit it.
This is an important battle to me, how many 8 and 11 year olds can't tie properly? Well, at least two that I know of! Hopefully a week into wearing these shoes they will be experts at it!
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MizIndependent
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Quit your bullpoop.
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Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Aug 27, 2014 18:38:59 GMT
who's life I happen to be ruining... can't wear the converse with the holes in them to school, when she has a brand new pair in her closet? (Along with three other pairs of acceptable school shoes My DD's middle school years were horrible. She would only wear two different hoodies and jeans and that was it. I bought her as many nice clothes as I could and when I was finally able to talk her into wearing one of the beautiful Old Navy button up shirts (looks amazing on her! the color, the cut, everything!) she came home in tears and I finally learned why she wore what she did. She told me that the other girls mocked her every single day. Some days she could just blend into the scenery and not be noticed. Other days, like the day she wore her beautiful new shirt, attention was called to her and they were merciless. Broke my heart to hear some of the names she was being called and the school...phffft! Absolutely useless. So, my DD wore what what she felt the safest in and when I understood that and was on board about helping her feel safe, she felt a little more in control of what she had to deal with at school. Could it be that your DD wants to wear these shoes because they help her feel more confident? I would reconsider allowing it if that is the case. Middle School is brutal, especially to those beautiful, tall, thin, quiet types like my DD. ETA: A current pic of my girl - caught her unaware. She no longer wears just hoodies.
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Post by delilahtwo on Aug 27, 2014 18:43:00 GMT
I have clothes wars with my middle daughter, so I can relate. I don't think you're a bitch. Why bother buying new shoes if they're not going to wear them? I would have let it go this morning and talked to her about it when she got home. May I ask what kind of clothes wars? If they were dressed I was ok. But then I had the kid who wore 1 pair of jeans in grade 4. A different pair in grade 5 because the previous had worn out. Then a different pair in grade 6. They had to be washed and reafy to go the next day. I have had so many battles with this kid, clothes are not abig deal at all.
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SweetieBsMom
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Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Aug 27, 2014 18:50:18 GMT
"We agreed she could keep them for the weekends, but they weren't to be worn to school." See, right there makes it a hill to die on. It's not about what she wears to school. It's that she made an agreement and isn't living up to it. If it were my house, the shoes would go in the trash the next time she tried to wear them to school. But, I am the meanest mom....so says my son! I agree with this. I'm a stickler about things like this. If you made an agreement, you have to stick by it.
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Post by Prenticekid on Aug 27, 2014 18:56:46 GMT
"The other big thing we will be talking about is attachment to things. I get having a favorite pair of shoes... I do not accept being so attached to any "thing" that you feel its okay to be rude about it."
The problem could be that you are not recalling your own middle school years and what was important to you and/or how things can be at school. Instead of being a fashion dictator or acting on any current perceived mom notion - the agreement or how she talked to you, consider setting those aside without comment and just asking her to tell you about the shoes and why she wants to wear them. She might not open up, but you've sent the signal that you are willing to listen to her and her feelings. You're being a mean mom, not because you won't let her wear the shoes, but because you aren't taking the time to listen to her. Sometimes kids don't have the words to express what they are feeling.
It's the first week of school, I assume, let it go. Let her find her way. This is one time, one subject, when forcing your will could backfire on you. I think sometimes it is more important for a parent to show her good will towards a child and let the child figure things out for themselves without being taken to task.
And, on the other side of things - even if you let the shoes go, why do you feel the need to have the absolute last word by bashing her over her attitude or her lack of commitment to an agreement on a minor matter? Your kid had a bad moment during a stressful time in life (middle school, puberty, etc.). If she is not routinely attitudinal, how about a hug and an affirmation that her life is stressful at the moment. I think she'll get more out of an affirmation at this time than she will out of an admonishment. You might too!
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freebird
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Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Aug 27, 2014 18:59:20 GMT
We'd have to deal with her having an argument with you, being a petulant brat over something she already agreed to, lying (wearing the shoes when she said she wouldn't) and making the carpool late. Punishment for that first.
Then we could discuss the shoe issue. Honestly, my kids always wore out their clothes fast and looked like little welfare cases running around. My oldest would put a hole in the knees of his pants the FIRST DAY he wore them almost every single time. It would drive me nuts but you have to let some of it go. There's bigger fish to fry than a pair of shoes.
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Post by PEArfect on Aug 27, 2014 19:03:55 GMT
I have clothes wars with my middle daughter, so I can relate. I don't think you're a bitch. Why bother buying new shoes if they're not going to wear them? I would have let it go this morning and talked to her about it when she got home. May I ask what kind of clothes wars? If they were dressed I was ok. But then I had the kid who wore 1 pair of jeans in grade 4. A different pair in grade 5 because the previous had worn out. Then a different pair in grade 6. They had to be washed and reafy to go the next day. I have had so many battles with this kid, clothes are not abig deal at all. Her not wanting to let go of her favorites that are to short, to small, or to tight. She's 12 and had a few things in her closet that could almost fit her little sister who is 7. I love her sense of style, and don't care what she wears, as long as it's appropriate for school.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 27, 2014 19:14:53 GMT
Only way I'd fight that is if the child had foot issues and the doctor said they couldn't wear old shoes. ( or if they did not fit )
I'd make my child take unripped shoes in for PE because here they might get marked off if the shoes were bad enough. Then again maybe not if they can't afford new ones. The teachers aren't bad they would just worry about proper fit for doing athletics.
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Post by Aheartfeltcard on Aug 27, 2014 19:20:06 GMT
Btdt and will again. I say something and sometimes my advice is taken . And sometimes not. I pitch a shitfit when it is important. This is not one of those times. My son's sneakers look crappy after.a week and I am not replacing them too quickly .
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mimima
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Jun 25, 2014 19:25:50 GMT
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Post by mimima on Aug 27, 2014 19:25:23 GMT
I totally remember tennis shoes with holes in them being cool.
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