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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 27, 2014 12:04:44 GMT
who's life I happen to be ruining... can't wear the converse with the holes in them to school, when she has a brand new pair in her closet? (Along with three other pairs of acceptable school shoes)
Or am I just being a bitch?
Is this the mountain I want to fight the war over?
We agreed she could keep them for the weekends, but they weren't to be worn to school. She has worn them a couple of days because I didn't notice. She had a HUGE blow up this morning when I said no. Said she wasn't going to wear any shoes... I was the meanest mom... etc. And she made the carpool late...
She is at a new school. Her year is bigger than her entire school last year. I think she's struggling a bit with friends... though about 6 or 7 of her friends are at her new school.
I needed another parent this morning. Sometimes doing it on my own really sucks!
Update: She sent me a text on the way home and apologized. She knew she should honor her agreement. We talked all is good.
She knows if she had come to me and asked me to discuss our agreement I would reconsider, but not when she is being a brat about it.
Her reason for wanting to wear the old shoes... they "go" with her outfit more. Her carpool friend looked at both shoes and said they look the same to her. DD said, "Yeah, I made a real stink this morning about nothing"
So we are good. She said she will start wearing the new ones to school, keep the old ones for weekends and wading in creeks etc!
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,302
Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Aug 27, 2014 12:08:53 GMT
Not worth fighting over. Is it really going to make a difference which shoes she wears?
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Post by brina on Aug 27, 2014 12:12:06 GMT
not a battle I would fight.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 27, 2014 12:12:16 GMT
What's the issue with wearing comfortable shoes with holes in them? Sometimes the holey shoes complete the look or are just the most comfortable to wear. This really doesn't seem like something worth the fight and it appears you are trying to push your appearance issues on your daughter.
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Post by angieh1996 on Aug 27, 2014 12:15:11 GMT
That's not a battle I'd fight. You should see some of the weird things my dd wears. I just shake my head.
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janeliz
Drama Llama
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
Posts: 5,641
Jun 26, 2014 14:35:07 GMT
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Post by janeliz on Aug 27, 2014 12:15:38 GMT
You're not a bitch, and you weren't being unreasonable. And I bet I would have argued with my middle schooler about it as well. Buuuut, it probably is one of those issues that isn't worth the ensuing drama. Especially if she ended up late for carpool.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,026
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Aug 27, 2014 12:16:53 GMT
I figure the shoes are working like a comfort blanket for her - a piece of familiar in a changing scene.
When she's calmer, chat with her and see how she is settling into her new school, is she overwhelmed?
I feel for you, my dd starts a new school next week, her year group is also bigger than the entire school she has just left. It will be a big adjustment period and I expect some interesting moments in the weeks and months ahead. But at least I won't have to worry about clothes as most schools in the UK have uniforms and the teachers can deal with any infringement!!
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Post by kmk1112 on Aug 27, 2014 12:17:19 GMT
I wouldn't make an issue of it unless it violates school dress code. I think that within reason, kids need to be able to have some freedom with how they dress. Holey shoes to school wouldn't bug me. Holey shoes to a dress up event would.
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melissa
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,912
Jun 25, 2014 20:45:00 GMT
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Post by melissa on Aug 27, 2014 12:17:45 GMT
Pick your battles carefully.
I would say something (as you have already done) but not push it. As the song says "Let it go, let it go." Save it for something bigger- garish make-up, piercings, tattoos, holes that reveal things that should not be revealed, etc.
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,949
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Aug 27, 2014 12:19:43 GMT
Totally NOT worth a fight. Let her wear them. I don't always agree with what my kids wear but hey, it's their life and as long as they aren't hurting themselves or others, I say let them be.
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Post by monklady123 on Aug 27, 2014 12:28:29 GMT
I'd let her wear them, unless the school specifically said "no shoes with holes." Honestly, I didn't care what my kids wore to school as long as it didn't violate the school's dress code. I figure they know what's "cool" and what isn't, and they know what their friends are wearing. And they know if they even care what other people are wearing. lol. (my ds, for instance, did not care, he wore what he wanted. Dd wanted to be more like the other girls.)
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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 27, 2014 12:33:06 GMT
Add me to the list of "not a hill to die on." In fact, this is one of those times you might even be able to win a few brownie points.
I always thought that as parents we should also show our kids that we can be reasonable and rethink our positions and "let" the kids win. If we show them that we are willing to listen to what they say, reaccess and change our stand on something, it appears to the kids that we are listening and understanding what they are trying to say to us. When we do find the hill to die on, the kids can trust that we aren't just being unreasonable to be unreasonable.
You could have a nice conversation with your daughter that starts with "you know, I have been thinking about our fight this morning over the shoes and I have reconsidered my feelings. If you want to wear them, I am okay with it. They wouldn't be my choice, but I love that you have your own style..." and go from there.
To me, hair (as long as it is clean) and clothes (as long as all bits are covered) are times for a kid to show their personality without my input.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 27, 2014 12:36:47 GMT
Pick your battles, this is one that is not worth it.
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Post by alibama on Aug 27, 2014 12:41:48 GMT
I say choose your battles. Save it for the important stuff. If she likes them and it doesn't embarrass her let it go. It is so hard to do but worth it in the end. My husband and son (when he was a teen) argued about everything under the son, until someone got through to my husband. Pick your battles, one of the big ones were the long hair. My husband hated it but he had to step back and let it go. It was not important enough to feud about. Eventually one day on his own he went and got his hair cut short. Now it is military short lol.
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,026
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 27, 2014 12:45:35 GMT
I would probably try to have another discussion about it. Explain why you would prefer to wear the new shoes. Then ask her why her old shoes are so important. Then I would let her wear the old shoes. It really isn't something to fight over. Unless there is some school policy against it, or if there is some kind of safety issue, I wouldn't make her change shoes.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 11, 2024 0:22:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2014 12:46:25 GMT
My former middle schooler would only wear track pants for 2 years. I bought jeans, chinos and everything under the sun. Only track pants. Wasn't a battle I was willing to die for.
Then came grade 8 when he would only wear shorts. He said the school was too hot and he needed shorts. Expensive shorts too! So he wore shorts. When it snowed he wore track pants over the shorts. He is headstrong and when he makes up his mind there is no giving in. Again not a battle I wanted to die for.
Grade 9 was jeans, all jeans. Thank you for high school, God!
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Post by icedcoffee14 on Aug 27, 2014 12:46:55 GMT
New to middle school mother here as well and I can relate. My daughters 6th grade class is almost as much as her elementary school all 6 grades (K-5) and yeah just let this one go. My kid matches things together that I'd never pair up, wore mismatched socks on purpose to school and well it's just a part of finding your place and style. It will pass in time. Hang in there!
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Post by SabrinaM on Aug 27, 2014 12:58:57 GMT
I can relate! The only time I battle over her old shoes if it they are too small and obviously not healthy for her feet. We just went through this exact situation last week.
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 27, 2014 13:02:07 GMT
I'm probably not the one to ask. My son has worn thick black knee high nike socks with a pale bargain canvas slip-on we bought at the beach. Not his topsiders, or new trainers. It's over 100 here and humid, so he's had on a long sleeve tee too.
Ugly, but he feels great. Not a battle for me, his peers will correct his fashion sense if they agree.
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Post by PEArfect on Aug 27, 2014 13:03:12 GMT
I have clothes wars with my middle daughter, so I can relate. I don't think you're a bitch. Why bother buying new shoes if they're not going to wear them? I would have let it go this morning and talked to her about it when she got home.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 11, 2024 0:22:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2014 13:05:42 GMT
When things like this came up with our children DH and I would try to decide if a particular issue was going to be important in 5 years. Some issues are well worth the battle, some not so much. Oh, and my boys would deliberately wear mismatched socks because they knew it drove me nuts. I let them win that battle and they loved it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 11, 2024 0:22:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2014 13:08:22 GMT
Why does it bother YOU so what SHE chooses to put on her body to wear to school?
By the time kids hit middle school, as long as their clothes are dress code appropriate, you need to allow them to make the decisions on what they wear.
Teachers won't judge you based on what your kid wears...and other parents are going through the same thing. They're not going to judge.
At the end of the day...wearing old sneakers is more a reflection of her and not you...let her do it. NBD.
Don't make it a battle and don't fight for control over old shoes. It's just not worth it. At all.
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Post by melanell on Aug 27, 2014 13:08:55 GMT
Unless something in the school code says they cannot be worn, I wouldn't care.
My middle schooler wouldn't even pick out new shoes this month when i brought him shopping. None met his coolness demands.
So my plan is to let him wear the old shoes until he decides he is finally ready to buy new ones.
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iowgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,286
Jun 25, 2014 22:52:46 GMT
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Post by iowgirl on Aug 27, 2014 13:09:25 GMT
No it is not. It would be something I might joke with them about - but I had zero input on what they wore to school at that age (as long as it was a reasonable - no revealing clothes, etc)
I also bit my tongue when they were discovering eyeliner.... oh boy.
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Post by Jennifer C on Aug 27, 2014 13:14:28 GMT
Add me to I would let it go.
My dd is trying new styles right now. It's driving me bonkers.
Dh and I put our foot down on no make up until she's 13. I think that is the battle that's going to wake up the neighbors one day. Jennifer
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Post by pretzels on Aug 27, 2014 13:27:57 GMT
Wouldn't fight it. My seventh-grader wanted to wear black combat boots this morning -- boots that I bought her for her hiphop dance class. I said OK as long as she brought tennis shoes for marching practice.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,410
Jun 27, 2014 12:39:18 GMT
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Post by amom23 on Aug 27, 2014 13:38:52 GMT
Add me to the list who wouldn't have made an issue over the shoes. I know it's hard, but let her wear the old shoes. Mornings can be stressful enough.
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Post by mtscrapper on Aug 27, 2014 13:41:26 GMT
I was in the dentist's office on Monday and a teen girl (probably 14-15) and her mom were talking about going school shopping next. They then were arguing with each other about skinny jeans. Her mom apparently doesn't like skinny jeans and wanted her to go shopping at Boot Barn to get cowgirl pants (we live in Idaho - lots of cowgirls/cowboys and mom was dressed like that). Her mom said she could get skinny jeans but that they couldn't be too skinny and she should always wear them with boots because they looked best that way and they didn't look good with regular shoes. The daughter actually had skinny jeans on at the time and they looked really nice with nice flats. I personally like that look and she looked really cute.
I had a really, really hard time not saying anything to the mom, but I didn't feel it was my place. I felt really bad for the girl. Mom apparently had ideas of what she thought looked good and thought her daughter should be the same way. At the end her mom said something and was laughing (couldn't hear what she said but it was directed at the situation) and the girl ended up going out to the car. If there weren't 2 other siblings there, I probably would have said in a joking way something about picking your battles. I really hope the girl got some skinny jeans.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 27, 2014 13:44:00 GMT
I figured the Pea's would say as much. ( Not being dismissive.. just that is what I figured)
When we bought new school shoes we agreed these wouldn't be worn to school. SO that is why we had the argument about the shoes this morning. I am just trying to decide what to do next.
I generally let her wear what she wants.. Though she likes to wear her shorts way too short. She has shot up like a weed and the shorts "fit" but really are not appropriate.
We will have to have a talk when she gets home. Her reaction this morning was unnecessary, and I am sure we will come to a mutually agreeable decision. I really just needed to vent.
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jj
Shy Member
Posts: 48
Jun 26, 2014 19:11:33 GMT
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Post by jj on Aug 27, 2014 13:50:37 GMT
"We agreed she could keep them for the weekends, but they weren't to be worn to school."
See, right there makes it a hill to die on. It's not about what she wears to school. It's that she made an agreement and isn't living up to it. If it were my house, the shoes would go in the trash the next time she tried to wear them to school. But, I am the meanest mom....so says my son!
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