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Post by cade387 on Aug 27, 2014 19:11:04 GMT
Hi. I know kids at weddings is a touchy subject in general, but I'm really at a loss here and I'm not sure what to do. Maybe this is one of those "you can't please everyone" kinds of times...
My DH's cousin is getting married soon. We live out of town, generally all of the family is in the town where the wedding is, we are the only family members travelling a great distance. We weren't sure if kids would be invited but understood it was a possibility going into this. We have two kids 3yo and 9 mos.
Some backstory:
DH's uncle is his Godfather and they have a close relationship, first son is named for this uncle. So there is no option of "just don't go" involved. (It is DH's uncle's daughter getting married)
We are struggling as to what to do with the children during the wedding. We will need to stay at a hotel on Saturday night because the wedding is just over an hour away from everyone's homes - even the local family is all staying at this hotel. It is $220/night. and we can't check in until 3pm, the wedding is at 1pm (right in the middle of naps too).
DH's parents are divorced, but his mom will be watching his brother's daughter (9yo) and her house is full of small objects and she has bad knees and can't chase after a fully mobile, fast crawling baby (our first son fell down her stairs a 1.5yo while at her house). DH and I both agree having her watch the kids (over an hour away) is not a good idea due to the length of time and her house situation (she refuses to childproof the house, which is fine but we just don't stay there long without multiple adults on duty watching him)
We can't afford to pay for a hotel for his mother to stay in another room by the reception, plus it would be two rooms because of his brother and daughter (who wouldn't share a room with their mom overnight and they have no money to pay).
I mentioned missing the wedding and my husband got ticked and said it isn't an option.
I know my kids aren't welcome and if we were in our home state I would use our regular babysitter or my family but I'm not going to trust a stranger off the internet that I have never met in this case. Their family there all uses family to babysit so they have no baby sitter for us to use.
I'm not really sure what to do here.
When my DH asked if my parents could watch the boys all weekend I wasn't thrilled with that because my parents would have to take off work to do it and they haven't been planning for it. Plus we would be out the cost of DS's plane ticket too. When he mentioned not bringing the kids his parents got mad because they want to see their grandkids, we just can't win.
Has anyone else been through this and what would you recommend? I do want to go to this wedding. Unfortunately, the hotels are about 30 minutes from the wedding venue with only a shuttle running between them so we couldn't even swap on and off in the hotel. I'm just not sure.
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Post by Prenticekid on Aug 27, 2014 19:16:29 GMT
Ask for babysitter recommendations from the local family members. Use a service.
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Post by *christine* on Aug 27, 2014 19:19:03 GMT
Seems like you have three options -
1. Have the 9yo help watch your kids with your MIL. Is BIL staying at the hotel, or going back to pick up his DD? If so, maybe he can bring your MIL back home?
2. Leave the kids with family you trust at home.
3. DH goes and you stay home with the kids.
Young parents with young kids have to figure this out for family weddings all the time.
When my SIL got married in another state, we brought my mom with us to watch our then 8 month old at the hotel we were staying at and I ran back to nurse him between church/reception and toward the end of reception.
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Post by bianca42 on Aug 27, 2014 19:20:45 GMT
What are the local family doing with their children during the ceremony? Are you close enough with any of them to trust their childcare choices? Maybe someone who is a stranger to you, but related to one of DH's brother or sister in laws? I'd suggest bringing a babysitter....but then you have to pay for another plane ticket. What a cruddy bunch of choices...
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Post by ChicagoKTS on Aug 27, 2014 19:21:00 GMT
I would contact the hotel and see if they have baby sitting services or referrals for approved sitters available.
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Gennifer
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,176 
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Post by Gennifer on Aug 27, 2014 19:21:11 GMT
I would use a service. They are likely far more vetted (background check, etc.) and trained than your regular babysitter. (I used to babysit for vacationing families in Park City in my late teens. The steps we had to go through were crazy serious.)
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anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,722
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Post by anniebeth24 on Aug 27, 2014 19:23:34 GMT
We were in a similar situation and asked the bride's family to recommend a sitter. We contacted the sitter before the event and spoke to some of her references. Even if your family doesn't regularly use sitters, they probably know someone who uses one or who babysits. Yes, it was technically a stranger, but we felt ok since it was a good friend of a good friend. Hope you find a solution - weddings can cause such family drama.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 27, 2014 19:28:16 GMT
I left the kids at home with the opposite grandparents. Perhaps we're lucky as our kids' grandparents are always ready and willing to have some alone time, so I can't imagine them being put out by the opportunity to spend a weekend of alone time whether it was preplanned or not. BTW you're probably not out the full cost of the ticket. Most airlines will let you apply the value to a future ticket minus a ridiculous change fee (usually $100) which while not great, is better than nothing.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 27, 2014 19:34:54 GMT
Hi. I know kids at weddings is a touchy subject in general, but I'm really at a loss here and I'm not sure what to do. Maybe this is one of those "you can't please everyone" kinds of times... My DH's cousin is getting married soon. We live out of town, generally all of the family is in the town where the wedding is, we are the only family members travelling a great distance. We weren't sure if kids would be invited but understood it was a possibility going into this. We have two kids 3yo and 9 mos. Some backstory: DH's uncle is his Godfather and they have a close relationship, first son is named for this uncle. So there is no option of "just don't go" involved. (It is DH's uncle's daughter getting married) We are struggling as to what to do with the children during the wedding. We will need to stay at a hotel on Saturday night because the wedding is just over an hour away from everyone's homes - even the local family is all staying at this hotel. It is $220/night. and we can't check in until 3pm, the wedding is at 1pm (right in the middle of naps too). DH's parents are divorced, but his mom will be watching his brother's daughter (9yo) and her house is full of small objects and she has bad knees and can't chase after a fully mobile, fast crawling baby (our first son fell down her stairs a 1.5yo while at her house). DH and I both agree having her watch the kids (over an hour away) is not a good idea due to the length of time and her house situation (she refuses to childproof the house, which is fine but we just don't stay there long without multiple adults on duty watching him) We can't afford to pay for a hotel for his mother to stay in another room by the reception, plus it would be two rooms because of his brother and daughter (who wouldn't share a room with their mom overnight and they have no money to pay). I mentioned missing the wedding and my husband got ticked and said it isn't an option. I know my kids aren't welcome and if we were in our home state I would use our regular babysitter or my family but I'm not going to trust a stranger off the internet that I have never met in this case. Their family there all uses family to babysit so they have no baby sitter for us to use. I'm not really sure what to do here. When my DH asked if my parents could watch the boys all weekend I wasn't thrilled with that because my parents would have to take off work to do it and they haven't been planning for it. Plus we would be out the cost of DS's plane ticket too. When he mentioned not bringing the kids his parents got mad because they want to see their grandkids, we just can't win. Has anyone else been through this and what would you recommend? I do want to go to this wedding. Unfortunately, the hotels are about 30 minutes from the wedding venue with only a shuttle running between them so we couldn't even swap on and off in the hotel. I'm just not sure. Couple questions: What are the plans since you can't check in till 3?? Are you flying in the same day as the wedding?? Staying only one night?? Are you sure the kids are not invited?? Sounds like a HUGE expense with flying and a hotel room....thinking maybe you should have thought this out more before buying tickets etc. |
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Post by gmcwife1 on Aug 27, 2014 19:50:23 GMT
I have taken my own sitter with me or you would stay at the hotel with your kids and dh would go alone even though he doesn't want to.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 11, 2024 0:23:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2014 20:36:10 GMT
I have been in this position, too. I called the church and got a nursery worker to keep my kids in the church nursery. I paid her, of course. Doesn't sound like your wedding is in a church, though.
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Post by kmcginn on Aug 27, 2014 20:42:27 GMT
I am of the school of thought that you can ask the family to receommend some teens of freinds or family that they would trust. Or, ask the hotel to receommend a service. Not ideal but better than nothing.
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Post by Bitchy Rich on Aug 27, 2014 20:43:11 GMT
I mentioned missing the wedding and my husband got ticked and said it isn't an option. When he mentioned not bringing the kids his parents got mad because they want to see their grandkids, we just can't win. I would ask my DH and his parents to come up with a solution, since they don't like what you have come up with. |
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Post by delilahtwo on Aug 27, 2014 21:10:52 GMT
I would send my husband and stay home with the kids. But then, I breastfed till age 2 and when my babies were 9 months old, would not have left them for hours with strangers...or friends...or families.... They didn't take the bottle and I would not have pushed it just for a wedding.
I have been in a similar situation, the outcome was not great and I wish we had done what I just recommended to you. It's just a wedding, not a family event. If people want to see your kids, maybe either you go visit and stay with them or they come and stay with you.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Aug 27, 2014 21:22:04 GMT
I mentioned missing the wedding and my husband got ticked and said it isn't an option. When he mentioned not bringing the kids his parents got mad because they want to see their grandkids, we just can't win. I would ask my DH and his parents to come up with a solution, since they don't like what you have come up with. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 27, 2014 21:22:18 GMT
Ask the hotel for an early check in. Your entire group probably won't be able to check in early, so don't mention them. Just ask for yourself. Then the kids can nap while the wedding is ongoing and if you are really uncomfortable, you can excuse yourself early to go back to the hotel.
Then ask the hotel for a babysitter recommendation or use a service. I'm afraid this is one thing that you are going to have to fix with money.
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Post by 3dcrafter on Aug 27, 2014 21:29:16 GMT
I mentioned missing the wedding and my husband got ticked and said it isn't an option. When he mentioned not bringing the kids his parents got mad because they want to see their grandkids, we just can't win. I would ask my DH and his parents to come up with a solution, since they don't like what you have come up with. I have to agree with this...seems like the only person here who is trying to find a solution is you. |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 27, 2014 21:37:58 GMT
I would call the hotel and ask for an early check in.
I would ask local family to recommend/help find a baby sitter.
All else fails...
I would stay home for the wedding and let my DH go.
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Post by peasful1 on Aug 27, 2014 21:47:31 GMT
I would get a room nearby at a Marriott with 2bdrm suites and bring my sitter with me. Or I would send DH as our family rep.
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Post by myboysnme on Aug 27, 2014 22:15:19 GMT
First, kudos to you for not showing up at the wedding and reception with your kids. Most people are unfortunately thoughtless enough to do just that. Second, your kids are the main consideration here. If they can't stay with a relative that loves them I would forget it. I would just not go. If I already had tickets and wanted to see the family, I would stay with the kids and let DH go to the wedding.
You already know if the kids are invited; they would have been included on the invite. Since they are not invited, and showing up with them in tow is not an option, I would stay home unless my mom or other close relative could watch them at our house.
Technically, the public can come to a church wedding, so you could go sit in the back row during the ceremony, but it is a 90% chance one or both kids will force you to take them out anyway, so I would forget that option.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 27, 2014 22:45:41 GMT
Are you staying with family before and after the night of the wedding?
Is there any possibility of bringing your babysitter with you and have her stay in town with MIL and niece since it sound like they aren't going to the wedding/staying at the hotel?
If that doesn't work, I'm with others saying I'd either stay home or travel, but stay in town with the kids and miss the wedding.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 28, 2014 1:37:44 GMT
I don't think that going to a wedding should be such a pain in the ass and I would send my regrets. At that age I would not have been comfortable leaving my children with a stranger.
Honestly, I would have left my kids with the opposite set of grandparents, but my MIL or mom would gladly take the time off if we gave them any notice. I would not be bringing them even if the other side wanted to see them. Sorry, but that is nuts that they expect it.
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Post by cade387 on Aug 28, 2014 1:45:57 GMT
Thanks to everyone for the replies.
Some more info:
We booked tickets for the family because my DH always brings the kids when he goes home.
The save the date was addressed to "the cades" and the invite now says "mr. & mrs. Cade" so while we thought kids were invited we are now understanding that is not the case.
We were told that we would also be invited to the rehearsal dinner so we booked a flight on Thursday. The planning being to stay at a family members house the first two nights. This makes it near impossible to have parents here watch as they work and don't have the time to take off.
DH's brother is a recovering alcoholic and drug user. His mom watches DN on weekends regardless. We are not entirely sure if he will go or was invited to the wedding. Either way she is not helpful to watch the baby. But if we try to bring MIL to the hotel near the wedding then DN and BIL will come which isn't appropriate for my kids to be around (MIL will not say no) and none of them have money so we would have to pay for hotel, food everything.
There are only four other kids in the family. They will all be watched by the au pair who wouldn't watch 6 kids especially when one is a baby. They use each other or the au pair so they have no recommendations for us.
The flight isn't as expensive as the hotel room to cancel my sons, but the fare was less than the change fee so we would owe money there, and we have no one to watch them.
As for the time, we will request early checkin but they have said no guarantees we won't know until we show up at noon that day which makes it hard to arrange. Service even if I felt comfortable with that, which I don't
Still hoping my DH will agree that some concession somewhere has to be made
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Post by myshelly on Aug 28, 2014 1:49:47 GMT
I would send DH out of town to the wedding and I would stay home with the kids.
Even if I had initially thought the kids were invited no way would I take a 3yo and 9 mo to a wedding.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 28, 2014 1:52:15 GMT
With your added information, I would send my regrets and send DH.
It is entirely the wedding couple's decision to have or not to have children at their wedding, but then they risk some people not coming. In this case, I think you should stay home with your kids.
Unless you want to travel to the wedding and stay with your kids during the the wedding and reception and then just see the family around the wedding.
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 28, 2014 2:33:16 GMT
I'm changing my answer in light of more details.  Are you sure that the kids aren't welcome? I know we are the Peas and this just isn't done, but sometimes the rest of the world doesn't know (or follow!) all the rules. Since your DH and his uncle/godfather are so close, why doesn't he ask if the kids are welcome? If there are only 4 kids in the family, it's likely that no one has given them much thought. If they flat out say no, well then, either you go to see the family and hang with the kids during the wedding, or just stay at the hotel. You could just go to the ceremony and not the dinner. Since the tickets are paid for and the arrangements are made, I would probably go rather than stay home. Yep, it will suck to be you, but I would do it for the Grands and let the family see the kids. I live in the military world where protocol is king. And I have a protocol officer in my contacts. It's the world that I live in and I'm used to it by now. But one by one, my husband's nieces and nephews are getting married. And they don't have a lot of use for protocol. Heck, my BIL was cremated and buried in a Harley Davidson gas tank. So I rely on my sister in law to tell me how things are done back home. I was invited to my niece's bridal shower, but my 12 year old DD wasn't on the invite. It's a huge family with lots of kids; I was pretty surprised that DD wasn't invited, especially since she and my niece hang out when we are home visiting. My SIL told me I was nuts and of course DD was invited. So I RSVPed for the two of us and said if they didn't want DD there, it was ok. It turns out that there were probably 10 preteen girls there. And they had helper jobs lined up for DD, so she was expected. It's family. If you are close, just ask. Be nice about it and say you are willing to stay back at the hotel with the kids. If nothing else, you will have a few hours of quiet when the kids can nap and then take them to the pool. In a lot of ways, that sounds like more fun than the wedding! |
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 28, 2014 3:19:42 GMT
I don't think that going to a wedding should be such a pain in the ass and I would send my regrets. At that age I would not have been comfortable leaving my children with a stranger. Honestly, I would have left my kids with the opposite set of grandparents, but my MIL or mom would gladly take the time off if we gave them any notice. I would not be bringing them even if the other side wanted to see them. Sorry, but that is nuts that they expect it. I agree. I wouldn't go. Hubby should go and represent. We left our kids at a wedding in the hotel room with a stranger (for this exact reason) and I hated it. They hated it. It was also hard to do the other wedding things the following day with small kids. The only reason we brought the kids was because my son was the ring bearer and was not invited to the reception. I dunno, when you have little kids, sometimes you just have to make sacrifices with where you go. |
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 28, 2014 3:24:39 GMT
I agree. I wouldn't go. Hubby should go and represent. We left our kids at a wedding in the hotel room with a stranger (for this exact reason) and I hated it. They hated it. It was also hard to do the other wedding things the following day with small kids. The only reason we brought the kids was because my son was the ring bearer and was not invited to the reception. I dunno, when you have little kids, sometimes you just have to make sacrifices with where you go. See and I think this was rude as hell. I don't think you invite a kid so that you can have the cute pictures and then inconvenience the parents. |
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,069
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Post by luckyexwife on Aug 28, 2014 3:40:11 GMT
When we had an out of town wedding, we brought my niece with to babysit. It worked out great.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 28, 2014 3:41:44 GMT
Hee hee. Yes, I aree. This is hubby's family and I am never shocked by them anymore. It was also the night of our anniversary. My SIL was a little inconvenienced by that. Who knows why. They were divorced several years later so we got our anniversary back.
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