peasquared
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,658
Jul 6, 2014 23:59:59 GMT
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Post by peasquared on Nov 13, 2017 1:47:40 GMT
I don't mind them. They give me pause and both remind me that the area may be dangerous, and that someone is just trying to survive a loss of a loved one. As far as the mother wanting the stuffed animals, I've learned that everything in honor of a lost loved one is cherished. It's all there is left to hold on to.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 21, 2024 0:49:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2017 2:07:58 GMT
I also have always thought it was weird when someone (like a soldier) is killed by a gun and at their funeral they shoot volleys to honor the dead. It always makes me uncomfortable. Do NOT turn my remarks into a debate on gun control. That was not my point. My father had a 21 gun salute( 7 soldiers/ 3 rounds fired each). It is a powerful moment. When taps is played ..... Some say it is a welcoming to ranks for the fallen.
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Post by compwalla on Nov 13, 2017 2:23:44 GMT
I also have always thought it was weird when someone (like a soldier) is killed by a gun and at their funeral they shoot volleys to honor the dead. It always makes me uncomfortable. Do NOT turn my remarks into a debate on gun control. That was not my point. When a temporary cease-fire on a battlefield is declared, the volley signals they're finished retrieving the injured and dead back to their own side. At a funeral, it means they've cared for the person through to the end and they're sending the person on, that the work here is completed. I have always found it very moving but I know some people find it upsetting.
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Post by LilyRose on Nov 13, 2017 2:41:01 GMT
I am not a big fan of roadside memorials for the reasons many have listed, namely that they can be distracting, and that they often fall into disrepair and look tacky. They do, though, serve as a reminder that driving is serious business, and it just takes a split second to lose a life (I’m amazed at how many memorials I see). IL has signs that a direct relative of the deceased may request in instances of death due to DUI or reckless driving. If approved by the state (there is an application process), the cost is $150 for the sign, and $50 for an additional sign with the victim’s name. Here is an example I found in a newspaper article (I don’t know this person): Theres another option that says “Drunk driving costs lives”. These are a good alternative to the roadside cross and plastic flowers, I guess. They get the point across, memorialize the victim, yet are maintained by the state and are perhaps less distracting.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 13, 2017 2:41:53 GMT
How about we create a memorial to every single individual killed by guns. And leave them there.
50 in one place? 50 separate memorials. In a school. A church. Theaters. Restaurants.
Maybe when we can barely get around because these memorials are taking up so much space, maybe when the different areas are growing like cancers, and becoming one big memorial, maybe, people might get together and agree something should be done.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Nov 13, 2017 3:09:06 GMT
My DD had a friend who was killed in high school and their friends erected a memorial in that spot. They kept it up for years, felt like it was a place they could meet and reflect. It wasn’t far from his home so I often wondered how his parents felt but later heard it was comforting to them to know his friends still care and haven’t forgotten him. I found the memorial difficult to drive by and would often go out of my way to avoid it.
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Post by houston249 on Nov 13, 2017 3:31:06 GMT
Concerning the roadside memorials. Here are a few reasons to have them. -It reminds others to drive safely, by doing this, it may save just one life, thus the original victim did not die in vain. This thought can bring comfort to the victims family. -sometimes that is the only "grave side" (the body was destroyed in the wreck) that the family has. -when it is a whole family, it feels more complete and much cheaper considering funerals average 10,000 a person. - it can serve as a warning for the community when multiple signs are added over time to a single area. The multiple signs can also anger a community therefore forcing the local government to deal with the dangerous situation by adding barriers, stop signs or lights. Thus saving additional lives.
Eta-my experience with road side memorials begin and end in the state of Florida. Florida requires an application and permission from the immediate family in order to erect a memorial sign and I agree that the decision should be made exclusively by the immediate family.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 13, 2017 3:59:20 GMT
As the mom of a dd who was killed in car collision (passenger), it was her friends who put up a memorial at the side of the road. I was furious, as they used her picture (she was a minor) and put out some personal details about her. 2 days after her funeral, my brother came with me and we cleaned up everything. Later, we went to the farm where my brother has a small incinderater and burned everything. I felt like my privacy had been invaded and that no one even cared about what I, her mother, thought about this "memorial". I knew where she died, where she took her last breathe. Doesn't mean that the whole world had to know about it. Grief can be such a personal, private thing. I’m so sorry about your terrible loss
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Post by hop2 on Nov 13, 2017 4:16:00 GMT
Because my sister lived a life and she was so much more than the last minute of her life. Why do a memorial there to memorialize that!
Why would I want a memorial of the absolute worst moment of my sisters life? I want a memorial of her with her grandkids. Of her helping people. Of her loving people. Yea, no, I think those are very tragic and misguided memorials. It just makes no sense to memorialize that last awful moment rather than the many fantastic moment the person lived!!
And on a less rational level I feel it keeps the person’s soul or spirit pinned to the last awful moment of their life longer than they need to be there. Which is cruel.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Nov 13, 2017 4:25:23 GMT
I tend not to judge over something like this because I've not walked that path. Even if you (general you) ) have walked the path and don't think it's right it's still not for you or anyone else to judge others how they grieve their loss. The one one person grieves isn't more right/wrong than someone who does it differently. As long as it's not on anyone's property and being kept up with then I don't see a issue. Oh and obviously it needs to be ok with the family.
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Post by femalebusiness on Nov 13, 2017 4:31:20 GMT
compwalla @megmc I was thinking more like JFK's funeral. He was shot in the head and then they shoot 21 times. Or when a cop is killed by a bullet and at their funeral they shoot the volleys. Because of the way they died it has just always seemed creepy to me. I think about the loved ones sitting there and hearing the shots. I do get it is custom though.
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Post by NanaKate on Nov 13, 2017 4:32:30 GMT
I agree that grief is a very personal thing. If the roadside memorials bring comfort in some way to grieving family and friends, I say more power to them.
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Post by AngieandSnoopy on Nov 13, 2017 4:38:27 GMT
They weren't common, in fact, I don't think I ever saw one in north Louisiana where I grew up. I can't remember if there were common in the part of Texas I lived in but they were common in Colorado and especially here. Very very common here. For the most part, they are kept up nice, flowers/crosses replaced frequently.
In fact, a few years ago when I was talking to my (catty corner) neighbor about her daughter (neighbor behind my house), she mentioned that she'd lost a grandchild, a husband and now a daughter and it was taking a toll on her. She mentioned where her grandchild was killed in an accident and I realized I'd been seeing a cross with flowers there for years. It is only about 2 miles from us. I've wondered if that is one she put up but just haven't wanted to ask her.
The ones I see aren't gaudy, just a cross with flowers that is changed out. I don't have a problem with them, every one grieves differently and if it helps them, it is a good thing.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 13, 2017 4:39:41 GMT
There is a pretty large memorial for a high school student near here that was hit by a train. I see people there reflecting often. He died in February and the flowers continue to be replaced. I've seen his parents and his girlfriend there as well as teammates and friends. It must bring them comfort.
For me, when I see one, I think that the area might have hidden dangers and I am more aware. Around here (rural) they are mainly on intersections. I hope it makes people think to come to a complete stop and to make sure the road is clear to cross.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 21, 2024 0:49:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2017 7:17:58 GMT
I have no opinion on them because I think there is a wide berth of acceptable grieving practices and if it's comforting to some, why begrudge then.
They do remind me, when I see them, to check my driving at that moment.
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Nov 13, 2017 12:44:09 GMT
Memorials in our area stay there forever. We have one that is on a corner near me (a cross with name on it) where a young mother died at least 15 years ago. Everytime I see it I think of how old her son must be and wish him well.
They don't bother me if they have given comfort, if only for a few minutes, to the person putting them up.
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Post by warrior1991 on Nov 13, 2017 13:41:20 GMT
I was never bothered by them in the past and I would say still am not, but 2 years ago, I witnessed an accident where the driver of the motorcycle died. His family has a memorial at that intersection. I remember the accident every time I drive by there, so for me that one bothers me, but only because I replay it in my mind over and over again. It is just a simple white cross and it always looks nice.
Several years ago, my parents drove by an accident where 5 people in 1 family died from a drunk driver. They had 5 crosses right by the road and almost ever month they would have balloons, teddy bears, etc on it. It was very close to the road and it was distracting. The family was asked by the highway department to move the memorial back from the road. They did, and there are 5 simple white crosses there now. On the anniversary of the accident, you will see flowers around it, but it is always kept up.
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Post by MissBianca on Nov 13, 2017 13:48:01 GMT
We have one near my house and the family of the victim and the owner of the home have an understanding. There is a small cross and flowers behind the guard rail and at the very end of the yard. It doesn’t interfere with home owners lawn and the family only comes once a year to mourn and fix it. It’s probably been there 20 years or so. I don’t like them at all but this one is at least not distracting.
In our old town we had one on a notoriously bad road. This one I called and complained about repeatedly. The family and friends would put a hanging plant with bright yellow flowers on the tree, large yellow sunflowers and spinning yard decorations. They would blow around every time a car or truck would go by. They were very distracting at an already dangerous intersection, especially at night when you would just catch the movement out of the corner of your eye. The DOT would take it down and the next day it was back. The DOT finally cut the tree down and cleared back the brush and the land was sold. A driveway went in right away which stopped the memorial, a business was built there about 8 years later.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Nov 13, 2017 14:22:36 GMT
I don't really have a problem with it. On the other hand I don't understand how a grave site would be a good place to remember or mourn a loved one as to me, it is literally just a place where the body is left to decompose, it isn't a place I would connect/associate with a loved one since none of my loved ones hang out in cemeteries for fun. I'm also pretty adamantly against being buried after I die.
But personally I don't judge how people choose to mourn their loss as long as it's not harming others (and I don't believe that road side memorials do so).
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Post by Prenticekid on Nov 13, 2017 15:37:24 GMT
Before they were used more generally, these types of memorials started out as memorials for people killed by drunk drivers. Personally, I think a lot of people could use some reminding to take care and not drive recklessly. In one particular memorial near my home, the person was killed by someone going 50 (in a 25) on a very long, very winding hill. I've had people bearing down on me on that hill causing me fear and anxiety. However, I bet a lot of people have been caused to slow the heck down when confronted with the lovingly maintained memorial there. I mean no disrespect or snark to anyone here, but I also think that is what causes some of the "discomfort" people people feel when they see the roadside memorials.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 13, 2017 15:37:34 GMT
Putting the memorial where they died keeps the person in the sights of the living. It says this person was just like you going about their business when their life was ended suddenly. They are authentic displays of love. People need rituals, they need art, they need a concrete way to deal with their emotions. It provides a release for some people and I don’t begrudge them that. While both of these resonate with me as reasons for such memorials, it's still not something I prefer or would do personally. And, can I just say for the umpteenth time? I love the way compwalla often puts into stark words what I am also thinking. And, I am so sorry for the shitty hand you've been dealt with the cancer. But I do admire the way you take it on.
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Post by mom on Nov 13, 2017 15:59:49 GMT
People want to know their loved one is remembered. A memorial is a visual way to remember their loved one. Many parents who have lost a child will tell you that their biggest worry is no one will remember their child/teen. I suppose a memorial could be a parents way of showing the world they lost part of their heart in that particular place and that the person who died was loved.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Nov 13, 2017 16:20:01 GMT
As a driver, I find them distracting and wish the memorial was not there. I really don't like seeing them either. Often they become quite dilapidated or just tacky looking. Too many of the homemade roadside memorials end up being just a roadside mess- Not to mention they look weathered and derelict in no time and therefore start looking depressing just adds to my dislike. for all of you - aesthetics is more important that a grieving family i've been thinking of this thread all morning - it's sad that these memorials don't blend in with the road side better and that the flowers wilt and the balloons loose their loft I've never heard of a roadside memorial causing an accident or creating a major problem. An inconvenience and or short moment of ugly on the side of the road is nothing compared to their loss. I can overlook that second or two of unpleasantness. i can over look a lot if it makes someone process their grief
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 13, 2017 17:23:29 GMT
ginacivey I was wondering why they are generally cleared so fast around here. I found out in Colorado, they are illegal. I am not sure why the one I mentioned has been up for six years, but it is (not in city limits). As a grieving parent, I would NOT want the place where my son was killed to be pointed out to me every day I drove past it. It took me years of driving past the spot where my son was in an accident to not have some anxiety. The electronic road signs in my state say that almost 500 people have been killed in driving accidents so far this year. Can you imagine how many memorials that would be all over the city if they were allowed to all have memorials? I can see leaving up a memorial for a limited time, but not indefinitely. Years ago there was a crash at a very busy intersection in town (Interstate and major street). The memorial there was so large that it did cause other accidents. It would get taken down and then another one would pop up. It had a huge poster of the lady's face and flowered wreaths like you see at funerals. I remember it being a problem for the city for a while.
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Post by utmr on Nov 13, 2017 19:06:57 GMT
I want one of those giant road signs that the highway department puts up. I want it to say "Slow the f### down and stay the f### awake."
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Post by jenjie on Nov 13, 2017 20:02:22 GMT
We have quite a few up in our area. We are in a small farming town that now has a lot of commuters to the city. But we are surrounded by country roads so a lot of people tend to go off the road especially in snowstorms or from drinking. One problem is that the memorials are put up on other people's property. They don't necessarily mind for a short time, but they don't really want them on their property for years. Often they become quite dilapidated or just tacky looking. This happened in my IL's front yard. Someone wrecked their car and died. The family asked permission to put up a memorial. IL's were fine with something temporary, but didn't want anything permanent.
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,082
Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Nov 13, 2017 20:03:03 GMT
There are many of these in the city in which I live. They don't bother me at all. When I drive past them I always wonder about the person who died there. What they were like . . .
One time I was driving on a VERY busy interstate that goes through the city I live in. Apparently, someone had been killed in a particular spot on it recently, because there were about 6-8 cars parked in the median and a group of people had gotten out of their cars. It looked like they were having a memorial service of sorts at the location of where a loved one had died. It was so dangerous! Just the presence of them was a distraction to drivers, and on an interstate during rush hour most people aren't expecting to see several cars pulled over onto the median and get out of their vehicles.
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Post by jenjie on Nov 13, 2017 20:15:41 GMT
Before they were used more generally, these types of memorials started out as memorials for people killed by drunk drivers. Now that you mention it, I remember this too.
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Post by jenjie on Nov 13, 2017 20:17:25 GMT
As the mom of a dd who was killed in car collision (passenger), it was her friends who put up a memorial at the side of the road. I was furious, as they used her picture (she was a minor) and put out some personal details about her. 2 days after her funeral, my brother came with me and we cleaned up everything. Later, we went to the farm where my brother has a small incinderater and burned everything. I felt like my privacy had been invaded and that no one even cared about what I, her mother, thought about this "memorial". I knew where she died, where she took her last breathe. Doesn't mean that the whole world had to know about it. I'm so sorry Cassie's friends didn't consult you before taking matters into their own hands. I can feel your hurt. (((hugs)))
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Post by littlemama on Nov 13, 2017 21:20:34 GMT
I don't understand it either. (Well, I understand wanting to memorialize your loved one, but that sort of execution is misguided in my opinion.)
I also don't understand the stickers on a car with the person's names and dates on it, particularly when it is an older person. If it is a young person who died under circumstances that were well known to the community, maybe (not for me, but that is more understandable).
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