Mystie
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Post by Mystie on Nov 13, 2017 19:13:27 GMT
...the family guilt trip has begun and I need to write it all out. I believe in boundaries, but they are certainly hard to work out when it's your family.
My husband and I decided in September to stay home in Virginia for Christmas. We had worked out a system, for a while, where we alternated staying home and driving to Ohio (9 hours) each year. The past two Christmases we have gone to Ohio, partly because my dad has been ill and I felt it was important to go. This year I really wanted to take a year off from traveling. I got a small guilt trip from Mom but whatever. Dad's health is stable at the moment.
Part of the reason I felt like it was okay for us to stay home is that my brother and his family always go up for Christmas (6 hour drive for them) so I felt like they'd have them and the granddaughters there so we wouldn't be as missed. I just talked to my mom and she said my brother and his family are coming up for Thanksgiving but not Christmas. GUILT! She's upset about it, and my sister is also upset about it, which makes me feel worse. My sister really puts a lot of importance on seeing family at the holidays, and if none of us are there she will be sad. She has such a shitty life, I hate to make her holidays sad, too. Her husband's family had a huge blow-up after his mother passed away earlier this year so they won't be doing anything together. Neither my sister or her husband will have time off to be able to travel to see us, and their kids are in school and working, so they wouldn't have the time, either.
Adding to the equation is my husband's parents, who live in the same area as my parents and my sister. usually when we stay in VA for Christmas, they come down to us, but my FIL had double bypass surgery in September and although he is doing well, they're dubious about making the trip down. So if we went home, we could see them and they wouldn't have to travel.
But I was looking forward to being in my own house for Christmas. I just was. Going home is stressful, my dad can be difficult, I feel like I increasingly need my own space, which is impossible to come by when you're staying in other people's homes. Being home is usually hard on my mental health.
This feels like a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation. I haven't run it by my husband yet...he'll go along with what I decide to do, I think, but he will have an opinion to factor in, too, I'm sure. I guess the bottom line is, do I put my family first or myself first, and will I even be able to enjoy staying home if I feel supremely guilty the whole time, which I will? Ugh.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Nov 13, 2017 19:18:44 GMT
Well, not to add any guilt to you but my first thought was 'when they're gone, will you be glad you went or stayed home?'
Is there anyway you can manage some time for you and DH and also travel? I don't know what your work schedules are but maybe you can shift travel so you can also have some time home. Just an idea.
Will you enjoy staying home if you're feeling guilty the whole time?
Just my thoughts, I wouldn't blame you if you did stay home. Driving is a pain and not high on a list of fun things to do.
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Kerri W
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Post by Kerri W on Nov 13, 2017 19:19:01 GMT
I get it. Is there any way you could go for a really quick trip? Take your time and do some sightseeing on your way there and back so you and your DH have some time together?
In situations like this I generally go with the choice that can't be repeated. If dad was not in great health, I'd bite the bullet and head to OH for Christmas. I think I'm pretty good at boundaries, and there's great need for them in my life with my mom, but sometimes *I* feel like I just have to take one for the team.
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pudgygroundhog
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Nov 13, 2017 19:19:25 GMT
I'm probably the wrong person to ask because I tend to have views of family that deviate from the rest of the peas, but I personally would just stay home and not feel guilty about it. Is it a compromise to go see your parents in the spring without all the headaches of travel at the holidays the pressure/expectations of the holidays itself?
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 22:54:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2017 19:20:45 GMT
Is there any way that you could get your own place to stay in while you are visiting? If not a hotel, maybe a VRBO or something similar? I know for me, I do not like staying in someone else's house even if it is family. I feel like we have a routine and if I can't get comfortable enough to do that then I never relax. It would also be a good excuse to be able to leave if things got a little heavy.
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pudgygroundhog
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Nov 13, 2017 19:23:13 GMT
Is there any way that you could get your own place to stay in while you are visiting? If not a hotel, maybe a VRBO or something similar? I know for me, I do not like staying in someone else's house even if it is family. I feel like we have a routine and if I can't get comfortable enough to do that then I never relax. It would also be a good excuse to be able to leave if things got a little heavy. I think that's a good idea if a good alternative is available. Although some people would be offended if visiting family went that route. |
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The Birdhouse Lady
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Nov 13, 2017 19:50:44 GMT
If I were you I would bite the bullet and go. Trust me...I get where you are coming from, I would want to be at home too.
I would let them know this year that next Christmas you will not be coming. That gives them a year to get used to the idea.
Also your brother might be able to make it next Christmas so you wont have the guilt.
I like the idea of staying elsewhere if it is financially doable. |
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Mystie
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Post by Mystie on Nov 13, 2017 19:54:28 GMT
Is there any way that you could get your own place to stay in while you are visiting? If not a hotel, maybe a VRBO or something similar? I know for me, I do not like staying in someone else's house even if it is family. I feel like we have a routine and if I can't get comfortable enough to do that then I never relax. It would also be a good excuse to be able to leave if things got a little heavy. I would do that in a heartbeat but my cheap-ass husband will not. I feel like staying in a hotel would reduce my stress by a good 30% or more. |
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gina
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Post by gina on Nov 13, 2017 19:56:27 GMT
Go and stay elsewhere. I get not wanting to travel, I really, really do. But that drive is not that long a trip to make and with ill feelings and elderly parents not in the best health, I would just go. Don't stay for that long if you don't want to and come home and enjoy the rest of the season in your house.
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Mystie
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Post by Mystie on Nov 13, 2017 19:57:49 GMT
Well, not to add any guilt to you but my first thought was 'when they're gone, will you be glad you went or stayed home?' Is there anyway you can manage some time for you and DH and also travel? I don't know what your work schedules are but maybe you can shift travel so you can also have some time home. Just an idea. Will you enjoy staying home if you're feeling guilty the whole time? Just my thoughts, I wouldn't blame you if you did stay home. Driving is a pain and not high on a list of fun things to do. See, that's what I'm always thinking: "Someday you'll spend every holiday old and alone and then you'll WISH you still had family to be with!" LOL. Not productive thinking, I'm sure. But there's always that thought that I should spend time with people while I can, which I wholeheartedly believe, but it's hard to embrace that when it's always ME that has to do the traveling and put up with the inconvenience. |
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purplebee
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Post by purplebee on Nov 13, 2017 19:58:18 GMT
Another vote for staying in a motel or other rental rather than with family. You will have time to spend with them, but will be away from them for part of the visit. If anyone fusses, say that this will be the determining factor in you coming this year.
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Post by myboysnme on Nov 13, 2017 20:05:24 GMT
I would do the following in this order
1. Go home for a few days between Christmas and New Year and have Christmas in my own home.
2. Fly home and back to keep the length of my visit within the parameters of my flight times
3. Stay elsewhere during my visit. My mom and brother always get a nearby hotel and it suits all of us.
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Post by Jamie on Nov 13, 2017 20:11:14 GMT
I think I would probably go, but for like 2 days. I know that's a lot of driving, but Christmas is on Monday. Anyway to leave Friday and return home say the morning of Christmas Eve and tell your parents you will have to celebrate early?
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 22:54:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2017 20:19:00 GMT
Drive half way there and spend the night. At a nice place. Have a nice breakfast, do a little window shopping , then finish your trip.
Btw staying at a hotel does eliminate all the stress. And gives you a place to escape to.
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Post by mom on Nov 13, 2017 20:22:28 GMT
I get it - I really do. I also get the part where you would miss having them to celebrate later on once they've passed on.
If it were me, I would tell DH we are going & it will be a quick trip. Drive down one day and then stay a day, then back the next day. I would also tell him we are getting a hotel. He can be cheap in other ways, but staying in a hotel isn't something he gets to override me on.
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Post by mikklynn on Nov 13, 2017 20:24:46 GMT
Is there any way that you could get your own place to stay in while you are visiting? If not a hotel, maybe a VRBO or something similar? I know for me, I do not like staying in someone else's house even if it is family. I feel like we have a routine and if I can't get comfortable enough to do that then I never relax. It would also be a good excuse to be able to leave if things got a little heavy. I would do that in a heartbeat but my cheap-ass husband will not. I feel like staying in a hotel would reduce my stress by a good 30% or more. Just tell him you NEED to stay in the hotel for your sanity. DH and I do that when we visit family in TX. They always try to make us stay with one of them. Nope, DH knows it's a deal breaker for me. Good luck, Mystie. It's a tough decision, for sure. |
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Post by melodyesch on Nov 13, 2017 20:24:47 GMT
You’ve been there the last two years in a row. I’d stay home and visit in the spring. Sometimes you just have to do what’s best for you and your mental health.
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Post by epeanymous on Nov 13, 2017 20:28:58 GMT
I'm probably the wrong person to ask because I tend to have views of family that deviate from the rest of the peas, but I personally would just stay home and not feel guilty about it. Is it a compromise to go see your parents in the spring without all the headaches of travel at the holidays the pressure/expectations of the holidays itself? This was exactly my thought. Traveling at the holidays is hard logistically and emotionally for a lot of people; if you want to have that connection in this time frame with family, maybe going another time that is less difficult (but soon-ish) would be better.
I gave up traveling for the holidays when I had my twins seven years ago, and it has been, let me just say, awesome.
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Post by epeanymous on Nov 13, 2017 20:30:52 GMT
Is there any way that you could get your own place to stay in while you are visiting? If not a hotel, maybe a VRBO or something similar? I know for me, I do not like staying in someone else's house even if it is family. I feel like we have a routine and if I can't get comfortable enough to do that then I never relax. It would also be a good excuse to be able to leave if things got a little heavy. I would do that in a heartbeat but my cheap-ass husband will not. I feel like staying in a hotel would reduce my stress by a good 30% or more. You cannot put a price on emotional well-being  .
It is an absolute rule in this house that we do not stay with family when we travel. We all get along much better when we have our own space to retreat to (whatever sugary visions relatives may have in the abstract).
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pudgygroundhog
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Nov 13, 2017 20:37:22 GMT
The OP said it's a nine hour drive one way (and who knows what weather and holiday traffic will be like). That's not really conducive for just a quick trip and I think adds to the stress.
Mystie, I would discuss with your husband and if you both decide to go, I would insist on the hotel room. Look for deals, use credit card points, or at the very least book on hotels.com so you can accrue the days and get a free room eventually. It sounds like a hotel room would make it better and it's worth it to pay.
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 22:54:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2017 20:42:39 GMT
As the mom of 3 kids who do not come home for holidays, I will tell you your parents will be fine. They may complain, but they will figure it out and they will be fine.
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Post by stampnscrap1128 on Nov 13, 2017 20:47:56 GMT
I vote for staying at home. You said a 9 hour drive. Is that one way? That alone would be a huge factor for me, especially in the winter.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Nov 13, 2017 21:04:08 GMT
When I was a kid, we would all have Christmas Eve at my grandma's house. Cousins, Aunts, and Uncles. We're a small family, my mom had two brothers, and between the three, there were 6 of us cousins. We lived out of state for much of my early childhood, but high school years we were local. Adults only on furniture in the living room, the two of us eldest cousins got the stairs to sit on during unwrapping, and the the younger cousins sat on the floor. When we cousins were adults, we still sat in our "assigned area." Kitchen full of goodies was free for all. So fond of those Christmas's.
My grand mother passed away about 10 years ago. Since then, the Aunts and Uncles pretty much stay at their own homes for Christmas (and we don't visit) and the cousins (except my two siblings) have moved to Fl and don't come home for Christmas.
As for my parents/brother/sister.. they all live within a block of one another. I have, for the last 20+ years, lived at least 10 hours away, as much as 20. Usually I make the trip. I have only had 4 Christmas's at my home, in my entire life. I realize it's easier for me to travel than them. I can get (initially 5 people) 2 or 3 people to PA way easier than the 5 adults and 2 kids in PA to get to me. So, I reluctantly own that I have to put in the work, but I know, someday, just like Christmas's at my grandmas, my parents won't be here.
It's been alot tougher the last few years though. It used to be I'd only stay for 2 or 3 days max, and crash at my sister's house. She isn't the "guest room" type. It's couch for me and my son (now 16) usually sleeps on the floor in my nephew's (now 18) room. The last few years, her family has expanded. She has a fiancee, and a three year old. The last 2 years, she's hemmed and hawed alot basically making it clear that there is no room at the inn. It's impossible to stay with my parents, and my brother lives with my parents. The last two times I went home, I stayed at a hotel.
This is the hard part for me to swallow. If I'm going to drive 20 hours round trip (I'm 10 hours away now) to my hometown which is a dead little steel mill town, I want to have "Christmas." I want to spend time together. Not stay in a crap hotel locally, with nothing to do other than at scheduled Christmas Hours. Or stay an hour away, in Pittsburgh, but that makes spending unstructured time with the family more difficult. For the previous 14 years, this was not an issue at all.
This year- I'm not going for Christmas. They don't know it yet. I am going for Thanksgiving, and if she insinuates I have to get a hotel, it will be be in a much better area with entertainment planned a state away, and I'll just have a long day drive for Thanksgiving and only spend a few hours with family.
OP as to your question. If it is simply the travel vs Christmas at my own home- my decision would be to do the travel and enjoy my family. If it is travel literally less positive enjoyable time with family than the one way trip, I wouldn't bother.
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Post by redshoes on Nov 13, 2017 21:13:27 GMT
In the situation you describe, I would stay home this year - and make the decision to NOT feel guilty! The rest of the family can feel however they choose, but it's just their feelings, nothing else.
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Post by gailoh on Nov 13, 2017 21:25:00 GMT
Stay home for Christmas and go for New Years...
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smcast
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Post by smcast on Nov 13, 2017 21:29:23 GMT
I would go but stay in a hotel.
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kibblesandbits
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Post by kibblesandbits on Nov 13, 2017 21:31:50 GMT
Seems like the way it's all lining up, you're better to bite the bullet and go visit your families. Rent the hotel room.
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rickmer
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Post by rickmer on Nov 13, 2017 22:02:31 GMT
I would do that in a heartbeat but my cheap-ass husband will not. I feel like staying in a hotel would reduce my stress by a good 30% or more. stay in a hotel with a jacuzzi tub or something. tell your DH it will be worth it to have some "alone time" (wink wink) and maybe he will soften his stance!!  |
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Post by papersilly on Nov 13, 2017 23:00:15 GMT
But I was looking forward to being in my own house for Christmas. I just was. Going home is stressful, my dad can be difficult, I feel like I increasingly need my own space, which is impossible to come by when you're staying in other people's homes. Being home is usually hard on my mental health. i think you answered your own question. you are better off staying home and i think deep inside you would be perfectly fine with that. and even if you did feel slightly guilty, i would rather be slightly guilty in the comfort of my own home than miserable in someone else's. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 13, 2017 23:19:37 GMT
Well, not to add any guilt to you but my first thought was 'when they're gone, will you be glad you went or stayed home?' Is there anyway you can manage some time for you and DH and also travel? I don't know what your work schedules are but maybe you can shift travel so you can also have some time home. Just an idea. Will you enjoy staying home if you're feeling guilty the whole time? Just my thoughts, I wouldn't blame you if you did stay home. Driving is a pain and not high on a list of fun things to do. See, that's what I'm always thinking: "Someday you'll spend every holiday old and alone and then you'll WISH you still had family to be with!" LOL. Not productive thinking, I'm sure. But there's always that thought that I should spend time with people while I can, which I wholeheartedly believe, but it's hard to embrace that when it's always ME that has to do the traveling and put up with the inconvenience. While I appreciate what you’re saying, you have to take care of yourself too, now. As much as I miss my mom now that she’s gone, quite honestly I don’t miss all the holiday drama. AT ALL. I’m glad we don’t have to go out of our way to spend forced time with people who don’t go out of their way to see us at any other time of the year. Flip that around and ask yourself when was the last time any of those family members who are guilting you to go have made the effort to come to YOU? We stay home these days and I really do love it. I love not having to drive around from house to house because no one ever wants to come to us. I’m glad I don’t have to see anyone I don’t really, really WANT to see. I’m glad I can sleep in my own bed and my kid can wake up in hers on Christmas morning and stay home to play with all her new stuff. All of our parents are gone, we almost never see our siblings and I have zero regrets. ETA: I totally agree with pudgygroundhog that if you really feel you need to go visit them, go in the spring or summer when traveling is easier and there is less emotional baggage. |
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