|
Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 16:54:31 GMT
I am not a date person. I struggle to remember birthdays of my immediate family ... my husband and I were married on a date that has a pattern in the numerical month, day and year. Largely so I could remember our anniversary 😉 but I have a complete and shocking subconcious awareness of the time of year when my daughter and my son died. Their dates are very close together - November 18 and December 9. Toward the end of October I start listening to Christmas music. Thankfully my family is understanding, but it's almost like putting a goal post in front of me. By listening to Christmas music, I feel like if I can get to Christmas, then that means I have survived the fast approaching mine field of grief. But those first few days of turning on the Christmas playlist are almost involuntary ... I'm doing it before I even realize completely why I'm doing it. Grief is hard and complex and so very different for everyone. I am so very sorry for all of the losses lived in this thread, and to anyone who may be reading. I'm so very sorry. "Grief is hard and complex and so very different for everyone." So much truth here. It's something I'm still learning - nobody grieves the same. It's very individual. And our wedding had a pattern too. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg)
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 16:57:32 GMT
Please don't laugh but I woke up so sad today...and realized my beloved cat Vinnie died one year ago today. The Facebook memories are bittersweet. He was my furry soul mate, the feline love of my life and we had 15 years together. He was there for me during some of the worst, lowest times in my life. It's hard to lose a pet because often people don't get it. I do understand that it's certainly not the same as losing a person, but the hurt can be just as hard. Going to go hug my kitten and take joy in his health and playfulness. I'm sorry for everyone who is hurting. ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/mYSUyHtG9Jrcmm_ydVcK.jpg) I'm sorry.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 16:59:52 GMT
I see these reactions in my grandma and my mom (mom denies them though). My Uncle was killed in Vietnam and didn't get to come home. He was home last at Christmas, so Christmas is emotional for them both. Then he was killed in April, and his birthday in May. So April and May are emotional too. It was 50 years ago, and neither of them can hear the song I'll be Home For Christmas. It will be instant tears and heartbreak for them both. So sad. And a lesson to me to not get frustrated at myself when emotions come.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 17:02:52 GMT
Hugs, Jenjie and everyone going through this and thanks for the links. I will read them.
My father's birthday is December 6th and he passed on December 28th. I guess that's was why when December gets close, it's not so "jolly" for me anymore. My mom passed Thursday. My younger brother who came from out of the country arrived on the last day my mom was somewhat lucid and I want to think she recognized him. He's going back home in a couple of weeks, after the services and won't/can't stay for Christmas.
I'm just so sad.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and for all these sad memories. Big hugs.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 18, 2024 11:43:22 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2017 17:22:13 GMT
Please don't laugh but I woke up so sad today...and realized my beloved cat Vinnie died one year ago today. The Facebook memories are bittersweet. He was my furry soul mate, the feline love of my life and we had 15 years together. He was there for me during some of the worst, lowest times in my life. It's hard to lose a pet because often people don't get it. I do understand that it's certainly not the same as losing a person, but the hurt can be just as hard. Going to go hug my kitten and take joy in his health and playfulness. I'm sorry for everyone who is hurting. ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/mYSUyHtG9Jrcmm_ydVcK.jpg) Sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved furbaby is a very sad thing. We've experienced losing a few pets and the grief is real. No one would laugh. 15 years is impressive for a cat, so you must have kept him healthy!! We have 5 cats left and one is 14. She's shrinking and DD29 won't admit it. Her health is fine but I keep thinking about how sad we'll all be when we lose her. She's gotten DD29 through very dark days with her bipolar. Pets can make the lowest times in your life bearable. I have 1 cat who is my "nurse" when I'm in pain. People wouldn't get it unless they have cats or pets like that.
|
|
|
Post by femalebusiness on Nov 26, 2017 17:44:49 GMT
jenjie and all who are dealing with grief, I wish I had a magic wand to make it all better. ((Hugs))
|
|
|
Post by donna on Nov 26, 2017 18:12:41 GMT
Thank you for posting about this topic. This time of year is so hard for me. The last holiday with my sister was Thanksgiving 30 years ago. She committed suicide on December 2nd. She was only 19 years old. Then my grandfather died on December 31st. That year really sucked. Thanksgiving and Christmas are just tough.
This year has been weird because of my illness. Are these most likely my last holidays with my family? Am I creating good memories for them?
|
|
MDscrapaholic
Drama Llama
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star_green.png)
Posts: 6,399
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
|
Post by MDscrapaholic on Nov 26, 2017 18:15:06 GMT
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 18:26:54 GMT
Thank you for posting about this topic. This time of year is so hard for me. The last holiday with my sister was Thanksgiving 30 years ago. She committed suicide on December 2nd. She was only 19 years old. Then my grandfather died on December 31st. That year really sucked. Thanksgiving and Christmas are just tough. This year has been weird because of my illness. Are these most likely my last holidays with my family? Am I creating good memories for them? donna it’s a hard place to be. I just posted on the gift giving thread (about not giving gifts) what I would have done differently if I knew it was our last Christmas together vs what we did. Don’t try to make it the perfect Christmas. You will make yourself and everyone else crazy. Make it a good Christmas. No expectations. Enjoy your time together. Big big hugs to you.
|
|
|
Post by kenziekeeper on Nov 26, 2017 18:55:12 GMT
Just wanted to say thanks for this thread. My grandma passed away very unexpectedly at the beginning of November and it feels as though this whole month has been a blur. Thanksgiving was rough and I'm expecting this month/Christmas season to also be very hard. It's helpful to read similar experiences of others. Hugs to all!
|
|
|
Post by AngieandSnoopy on Nov 26, 2017 19:02:06 GMT
Yes, this is a thing. I lost a husband 16 years ago and my father died the Monday after Thanksgiving when I was a little girl. Thanksgiving has always been thinking about my adored father. And I always try to make sure I don't work on late DH's birthday and work on crafts that make me happy on his birth and death dates.
And yes, losing our pets is very painful. Especially since they are what got me through bad times in my life. And they are always there and leave a big hole when you lose them.
|
|
|
Post by leftturnonly on Nov 27, 2017 0:46:56 GMT
I always try to make sure I don't work on late DH's birthday and work on crafts that make me happy on his birth and death dates. I have some therapy yarn on knitting needles right now! Turning into an afghan right before my eyes.
|
|
|
Post by pondrunner on Nov 27, 2017 0:55:45 GMT
I think what's happening right now in our family is we are doing the same things we were this time last year, planning thanksgiving dinner, tidying for Christmas, hearing Christmas music, etc. But we are subconsciously recalling that in mid December last year we had a family tragedy and then we both left our jobs and sold our house and moved, and we were finding our normal again but right now no one is normal and it is hard and it's not like we even know why. I took a group of kids to see Nutcracker today and sat in the back wiping tears the whole time, why did that make me sad? The person we lost didn't care about ballet so why did this make me cry? Because we don't do anything in a vacuum, this is just part of what we did around that time last year.
It's hard to explain. Just that daily life has a rhythm and a cycle and we aren't looking at a date on the calendar but we still know that the season is upon us.
My sympathy to those grieving at this time.
|
|
|
Post by meridon on Nov 27, 2017 2:58:46 GMT
My oldest DD spent several years bouncing around in foster care before she came to me. She always goes off the rails in October/November. Every year--it's like clockwork. We're not sure why, but we suspect some of the trauma she experienced as a young child must have been during that time of year. I truly believe her subconscious remembers something, even if she can't actually call it to mind.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 27, 2017 4:33:10 GMT
Just wanted to say thanks for this thread. My grandma passed away very unexpectedly at the beginning of November and it feels as though this whole month has been a blur. Thanksgiving was rough and I'm expecting this month/Christmas season to also be very hard. It's helpful to read similar experiences of others. Hugs to all! I’m so sorry.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 27, 2017 4:37:19 GMT
I think what's happening right now in our family is we are doing the same things we were this time last year, planning thanksgiving dinner, tidying for Christmas, hearing Christmas music, etc. But we are subconsciously recalling that in mid December last year we had a family tragedy and then we both left our jobs and sold our house and moved, and we were finding our normal again but right now no one is normal and it is hard and it's not like we even know why. I took a group of kids to see Nutcracker today and sat in the back wiping tears the whole time, why did that make me sad? The person we lost didn't care about ballet so why did this make me cry? Because we don't do anything in a vacuum, this is just part of what we did around that time last year. It's hard to explain. Just that daily life has a rhythm and a cycle and we aren't looking at a date on the calendar but we still know that the season is upon us. My sympathy to those grieving at this time. Yes. And I’m the type that looks for a trigger. WHY did I start crying or feel sad at that particular moment? Sometimes it’s obvious; sometimes there’s an anniversary date involved; sometimes it just because. I’m learning to accept that “just because he died” is reason enough.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 27, 2017 4:40:30 GMT
My oldest DD spent several years bouncing around in foster care before she came to me. She always goes off the rails in October/November. Every year--it's like clockwork. We're not sure why, but we suspect some of the trauma she experienced as a young child must have been during that time of year. I truly believe her subconscious remembers something, even if she can't actually call it to mind. Ahhhh that’s got to be so hard. Good for you for recognizing the pattern. It’s got to break your heart. I shared this a few years back and bump it up every year. It may be helpful to you. 2peasrefugees.boards.net/thread/14262/parenting-kids-sabotage-days-2016
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Nov 27, 2017 6:32:02 GMT
I'm sorry, jenjie. It's hard and it never totally goes away.
|
|
|
Post by gmcwife1 on Nov 27, 2017 13:35:48 GMT
My dd was born in March and passed in April, so I really struggled with that time period. It took me many years to realize why I was always so down.
|
|
|
Post by ladytrisha on Nov 27, 2017 18:26:11 GMT
My Mom has a really hard time in October and November.
Mom met my Dad in October, they married in October, he had a massive heart attack on their wedding anniversary and died the next day, and his birthday is in November. It is just a HARD HARD month for her. I can feel it from her starting as soon as the calendar page turns ... it's just so hard. She didn't want to be without him - and her companion isn't even close to my Dad in so many ways. He's very good and totally understands and supports her as much as he can.
This year she has some health issues going on and the worry and stress are compounded. She's near San Antonio, I'm in So. California and is very vocal about us moving to be near her; oh to be able to move on a whim and not think about child in college, health insurance and jobs at 58! And of course my MIL issues which have stressed us out.
I'm hoping December is better for her.
|
|
bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,550
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
|
Post by bethany102399 on Nov 27, 2017 18:44:18 GMT
Hugs, I watch my mom struggle at this time of year and if I'm being honest so do I. My DD asked me the other day why I don't like Christmas I said part of it is because I miss your Pampa (my dad) he LOVED the holidays, the time from Thanksgiving to Christmas, the anticipation, the crowds, the delight at santa, the music. All of it. It gave him energy and life and he was just so happy at this time of year.
As a result, both mom and I struggle to make anything of the season, so many traditions tied up in memories of him and of course the knowledge that if he thought we were neglecting the season because we miss him how angry he'd be.
Be gentle with yourself, it's not easy.
|
|
bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,550
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
|
Post by bethany102399 on Nov 27, 2017 18:46:04 GMT
There's ALWAYS room for pie.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 27, 2017 19:14:29 GMT
I'm sorry, jenjie. It's hard and it never totally goes away. 😢
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 27, 2017 19:14:48 GMT
My dd was born in March and passed in April, so I really struggled with that time period. It took me many years to realize why I was always so down. I’m so sorry.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 27, 2017 19:17:11 GMT
My Mom has a really hard time in October and November. Mom met my Dad in October, they married in October, he had a massive heart attack on their wedding anniversary and died the next day, and his birthday is in November. It is just a HARD HARD month for her. I can feel it from her starting as soon as the calendar page turns ... it's just so hard. She didn't want to be without him - and her companion isn't even close to my Dad in so many ways. He's very good and totally understands and supports her as much as he can. This year she has some health issues going on and the worry and stress are compounded. She's near San Antonio, I'm in So. California and is very vocal about us moving to be near her; oh to be able to move on a whim and not think about child in college, health insurance and jobs at 58! And of course my MIL issues which have stressed us out. I'm hoping December is better for her. That is so hard. That’s a LOT. Does she recognize the pattern? Is she able to see that when December rolls around, she will begin to come out of it? Does it help at all? Part of why I share this stuff is so other people will be able to see that what they’re going through is “normal,” and that it’s temporary, even if it comes like clockwork.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 27, 2017 19:18:50 GMT
Hugs, I watch my mom struggle at this time of year and if I'm being honest so do I. My DD asked me the other day why I don't like Christmas I said part of it is because I miss your Pampa (my dad) he LOVED the holidays, the time from Thanksgiving to Christmas, the anticipation, the crowds, the delight at santa, the music. All of it. It gave him energy and life and he was just so happy at this time of year. As a result, both mom and I struggle to make anything of the season, so many traditions tied up in memories of him and of course the knowledge that if he thought we were neglecting the season because we miss him how angry he'd be. Be gentle with yourself, it's not easy. He brought the fun to Christmas for you and it feels like it left with him. I’m so sorry. Is there something that you can do in his memory, or maybe make a new memory?
|
|
inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
|
Post by inkedup on Nov 27, 2017 19:32:06 GMT
This is my first holiday without my mom. She died on October 7th. Our grief is still fresh. I had no idea that grief could be so physical. Some days are okay. And others, not so much.
This time of year is full of emotional landmines for my family. Halloween. Thanksgiving (her favorite holiday). Christmas. I am pregnant with a baby boy whose due date is January 1st. My mom's birthday is on February 18th, and mine on the 24th. It's overwhelming to think of spending the rest of my life counting anniversaries without her.
I was okay on Thanksgiving, though the days leading up to it were difficult. I hosted because I felt like it was a way to honor my mother. We had a beautiful meal, lots of laughs and tears, and we were proud of ourselves for making it through our first big holiday without mom. The day after Thanksgiving, though, my entire body ached. My body felt as wrecked as my head and heart.
I'm sending love to all of us who are struggling with grief. I hope this season is bearable and that our good memories of our loved ones will sustain us through the dark times.
|
|
MsKnit
Pearl Clutcher
RefuPea #1406
Posts: 2,648
Jun 26, 2014 19:06:42 GMT
|
Post by MsKnit on Nov 27, 2017 20:05:07 GMT
Please don't laugh but I woke up so sad today...and realized my beloved cat Vinnie died one year ago today. The Facebook memories are bittersweet. He was my furry soul mate, the feline love of my life and we had 15 years together. He was there for me during some of the worst, lowest times in my life. It's hard to lose a pet because often people don't get it. I do understand that it's certainly not the same as losing a person, but the hurt can be just as hard. Going to go hug my kitten and take joy in his health and playfulness. I'm sorry for everyone who is hurting. ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/mYSUyHtG9Jrcmm_ydVcK.jpg) You are not alone. ((((Hugs)))) Z*G One of my losses is my first puppy. She was with me fifteen years. It was 14 years since her passing last month. Losing her devastated me. In addition, there is the loss of my grandmother, grandfather, a couple of uncles, a man that was like a dad to me, my parents divorce, the loss of my fertility through surgery (my human family wasn't complete), and the hell that I went through with the meds post-surgery. All different years, mostly. So, October through December wreak havoc on me. Anyway, I don't need a calendar. It took a few years of going through emotional upheaval until I realized that it was the losses that were effecting me. Afterward, I was aware that it was likely to happen and it didn't seem so hard, knowing. Now, I have a name for it. Thank you for sharing the link, Jenjie.
|
|
|
Post by gmcwife1 on Nov 27, 2017 21:26:01 GMT
My dd was born in March and passed in April, so I really struggled with that time period. It took me many years to realize why I was always so down. I’m so sorry. Thank you, I'm sorry for your loss too
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Nov 27, 2017 21:36:04 GMT
This is my first holiday without my mom. She died on October 7th. Our grief is still fresh. I had no idea that grief could be so physical. Some days are okay. And others, not so much. This time of year is full of emotional landmines for my family. Halloween. Thanksgiving (her favorite holiday). Christmas. I am pregnant with a baby boy whose due date is January 1st. My mom's birthday is on February 18th, and mine on the 24th. It's overwhelming to think of spending the rest of my life counting anniversaries without her. I was okay on Thanksgiving, though the days leading up to it were difficult. I hosted because I felt like it was a way to honor my mother. We had a beautiful meal, lots of laughs and tears, and we were proud of ourselves for making it through our first big holiday without mom. The day after Thanksgiving, though, my entire body ached. My body felt as wrecked as my head and heart. I'm sending love to all of us who are struggling with grief. I hope this season is bearable and that our good memories of our loved ones will sustain us through the dark times. I’m so sorry. Your mom should be here to celebrate the special times and especially to meet her new grandson. Big hugs to you.
|
|