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Post by M~ on Jun 30, 2014 2:13:08 GMT
So since I've come out, my friends have tried to set me up with women they know. Two friends specifically said that their friend (the "victim" i.e. the prospective date) was all gung ho about meeting me until they inadvertently mentioned that I had never dated. Both women freaked out and one flat-out refused. One said basically that she couldn't deal with being someone's first and the other just didn't even give a reason.
So why would that freak anyone out? is this going to be a common reaction or what?
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jun 30, 2014 2:16:03 GMT
Ok..this is probably going to sound bad..and don't handslap me...but how do you really know if you are gay, if you are a virgin? It's just the attraction part? just wondering..don't hate me! LOL
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Post by M~ on Jun 30, 2014 2:18:22 GMT
Well, since you ask: whenever I fantasize about sex I think of women exclusively. I've never been sexually attracted to a man. I've always been attracted to women.
ETA: it's this whole "it feels right" vibe I get. It's sort of hard to explain, but that's the best I can do.
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matthewsmom
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Jun 26, 2014 19:30:42 GMT
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Post by matthewsmom on Jun 30, 2014 2:20:29 GMT
Just a guess....but many don't want to be a "first" - just in case you decide you aren't really gay. Sounds silly, but I can see where it'd be a risk.
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Post by hop2 on Jun 30, 2014 2:25:20 GMT
Cindy, how did you know you liked whoever you liked before you had sex? Did you flip a coin the first time? Spin a bottle?
Why on earth would it be different for Angie? She's a person, with a heart, and soul, and mind. She can think for herself and knows her own feelings.
People are people are people. They aren't a huge mystery because they are different from you or think different than you.
OP I'm sorry. I sucked at dating I can't give any valuable advice. Ok may be, I'll borrow from my gramma ' be yourself' and ' you are a complete, whole, wonderful person just as you are, so if you are yourself people will notice.'
Thats all I've got.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jun 30, 2014 2:28:15 GMT
I just think about some people being attracted to both sexes. I don't think it's spinning a bottle at all. Thanks for the nice explanation angie! I knew I would offend someone...sorry
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Jun 30, 2014 2:30:21 GMT
I'm sorry, but I don't know why that would freak someone out. Everyone needs a first time and if a prospective mate can't deal with that then they probably aren't the right person for you. I would think that there would be many women who won't mind so I wouldn't think twice about it.
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Post by Amelia Bedelia on Jun 30, 2014 2:31:23 GMT
There was a Seinfeld episode about this. (Heterosexual version though.) Some people don't want the pressure of being the first. There's also the idea of a lack of maturity or experience that comes with newbies, and some people don't want to deal with that. I think if I weren't married and I were dating, I'd prefer someone on an even playing field so to speak.
Eta: that might have sounded overly critical. I'm just thinking I would probably not be looking to coach someone through the nuances of a whole new set of life experiences if I was being set up set up by a friend. I imagine if I were going on a blind date it would probably be looking for fun rather than something long term. Announcing that you're a virgin before you even meet is kind of heavy for some people, especially if they're looking for something light. I hope that came out right
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Post by dulcemama on Jun 30, 2014 2:34:09 GMT
My guess is they've been burned by women who were bi-sexual or "experimenting" and don't want to get involved with someone who is, potentially, not as invested as they are.
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Post by doesitmatter on Jun 30, 2014 2:42:00 GMT
Just a guess....but many don't want to be a "first" - just in case you decide you aren't really gay. Sounds silly, but I can see where it'd be a risk. That's what I was thinking as well. But honestly why does a blind date or a 1st date even need to know that before?
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Grom Pea
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Jun 27, 2014 0:21:07 GMT
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Post by Grom Pea on Jun 30, 2014 2:42:04 GMT
I had a lesbian friend and her girlfriend was very critical of those she called tourists. I know that might not be you, but there is a bias as other posters have noted.
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Post by Lexica on Jun 30, 2014 3:19:42 GMT
I have a gay male friend and he won't date someone who is inexperienced. For him it translates to inhibited physically. I reminded him he is getting up there in age, and if he weren't so picky, he might have found a partner by now. He very much wants to marry and settle down. Yet, he has this list of requirements. We all have some sort of a list, I suppose, but how many partners someone has had just seems a bit picky.
Although, I will admit, I wouldn't want to date someone who has reached my age and has never married. That just says player or problems to me. I wouldn't want to be another notch on their belt.
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rxgal
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Jun 26, 2014 12:10:09 GMT
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Post by rxgal on Jun 30, 2014 3:40:18 GMT
Being a virgin at 23 isn't that big of a deal. Being in your 40s with no prior relationship experience and suddenly realizing you're gay? Yeah, that has some yellow caution tape wrapped around it.
It's not specifically about the sex, but people wonder what your "deal" is when you have gotten that old without any intimate relationships. They wonder: - repressed - family drama that kept her from coming out? - Will she get overly attached? - is she really comfortable with herself and her sexuality? - what is wrong with her personality that no one has pursued her? - am I going to have to teach her everything?
You asked. It has everything to do with the age at which you're a virgin and it is less about sex and more about never having had a romantic relationship. It would be less weird if you had had any relationships, male or female.
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Post by Zee on Jun 30, 2014 3:46:16 GMT
Everything rx just said...and I think you'd be better off telling your friends not to disclose your dating history for you. Maybe they could just say you don't date much, if pressed.
I do agree that it's going to shock pretty much anyone you date that you've never been in an intimate relationship, at your age, but that doesn't mean the right person isn't out there.
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Post by momof3pits on Jun 30, 2014 5:29:58 GMT
Just a guess....but many don't want to be a "first" - just in case you decide you aren't really gay. Sounds silly, but I can see where it'd be a risk. That's what I was thinking as well. But honestly why does a blind date or a 1st date even need to know that before? I agree with both of these points. Why would you need to disclose that to someone you are just starting to date? Seems like an overly personal thing you should not have to share.
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Post by fkawitchypea on Jun 30, 2014 11:31:41 GMT
This definitely. I have a lesbian friend who said she never wants to be the first, especially for someone who was previously into men. And I cannot blame her.
My bff has recently decided she wanted to switch teams. Not because she was always attracted to women or really thinks she's gay. It's because she recently had her heart broken by a man and there is a gay woman she works with who has been fawning all over her telling her how beautiful she is, what a wonderful person she is and how she just really deserves to be treated like a queen. I see disaster ahead.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 12:16:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 12:05:19 GMT
My guess is it will be a fairly common reaction. You have desires/needs in a relationship and so do they. People with sexual experience **know** what they like and don't like. They aren't looking for a tentative experimental experience. And they know a virgin partner is going to need a lot of schooling~ in short, with you bring it is a return to the teen/early 20 years of a tentative experimental exploratory state. And if you have waited this long what is to keep you from getting cold feet with them? A satisfying sex life isn't as intuitive as one might think.
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Post by lovemybabes on Jun 30, 2014 12:29:54 GMT
My guess is they've been burned by women who were bi-sexual or "experimenting" and don't want to get involved with someone who is, potentially, not as invested as they are. This is what a very dear (gay) friend of mine said. Almost verbatim, just that it is scary for her to get burned by someone who is "trying it on." That was her experience, I am not at all saying that you are doing that. I'm sorry that they freaked on you. ((hugs))
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Post by hop2 on Jun 30, 2014 13:40:44 GMT
Ok..this is probably going to sound bad..and don't handslap me...but how do you really know if you are gay, if you are a virgin? It's just the attraction part? just wondering..don't hate me! LOL Cindy I apologize if I took that the wrong way. It's sort of a hot button issue for me. I can see now rereading that my own feelings about that might have influenced how i took your post. Im sorry. OP (should I really call you angievp? LOL ) I am sorry to you as well, I had no intention of making a controversy or handslapping Cindy on your thread or anything. I might have been more snarky than I intended. I apologize.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jun 30, 2014 14:06:16 GMT
Okay, I'll be truthful as to why I didn't want to date inexperienced people after my divorce -
I didn't want to go through the whole getting-to-know-and-like someone and then find out they had no idea what the hell they were doing in bed.
I know it's kind of selfish, but I was at an age where I just had no patience for teaching someone how to be good at it.
That sounds so bad, I know. But it's brutally honest.
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Post by Kelpea on Jun 30, 2014 14:08:02 GMT
This. A thousand times this.
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Post by hop2 on Jun 30, 2014 14:15:16 GMT
Okay, I'll be truthful as to why I didn't want to date inexperienced people after my divorce - I didn't want to go through the whole getting-to-know-and-like someone and then find out they had no idea what the hell they were doing in bed. I know it's kind of selfish, but I was at an age where I just had no patience for teaching someone how to be good at it. That sounds so bad, I know. But it's brutally honest. There's plenty of people who are not virgins who really do not know what they are doing in bed. They just do what they want to do with no thought to what might please you, cause that's what they've always done and as long as they 'finish' then all is well.
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Post by meeko77 on Jun 30, 2014 14:15:56 GMT
I see disaster ahead as well. I don't even know them and already feel sorry for the lesbian who is going to get her heartbroken (eventually, and I am sure sooner rather than later). I also hate it when people say they are going to "switch teams" just because a guy broke their heart. It just adds fuel to the fire of the nutters who think being gay is a choice. You don't decide to switch. You might do so on the exterior, but internally you can't.
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Post by rumplesnat on Jun 30, 2014 14:26:50 GMT
I'll be the odd one out here and say that I'd prefer to be with someone with minimal experience. I don't want to be with someone who has slept around and I don't think I'm alone in this, so don't get discouraged.
I'm also a bit annoyed that your friends feel the need to share this information with potential dates.
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Post by annabella on Jun 30, 2014 14:29:06 GMT
ITA with rxgal
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Post by meeko77 on Jun 30, 2014 14:30:21 GMT
Yes, I meant to say that as well. I think it's crazy your friends are sharing that much personal info about you. All they have to say is "she hasn't dated much" or something to that effect. Unless you hit it off so well you plan on sleeping with someone, she doesn't need to know your history just to go on a date.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Jun 30, 2014 14:33:31 GMT
How about go on a dating site, and don't share that you're new to this. Just go on a few dates for fun. Then, you're no longer a newbie I don't know if I'd share right off the bat about the virginity thing, save that for date 3-4.
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rxgal
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Jun 26, 2014 12:10:09 GMT
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Post by rxgal on Jun 30, 2014 14:36:45 GMT
A lot of people are focusing on the "They don't want to deal with someone who might be just experimenting." While I think that is true in this particular situation, I think that many/most men would be put off too by a woman 40+ who didn't have any romantic relationships in the past. I don't think this is unique to homosexual relationships (although I will agree it is magnified because some people have been burned by "dabblers"). I don't know any of my friends or family that wouldn't give the side-eye to someone that old who hadn't had a relationship.
That doesn't mean it can't be overcome, but I think YOU need to think about why it is that you haven't had relationships prior and have an easy, comfortable explanation for it. Now, don't blurt that explanation out on the first date, but you need to make sure your friends are aware of it so if they are going to blab your story, they are blabbing the one that presents an understandable view of you.
"Angie has spent most of her adult life taking care of her very conservative grandmother and dedicated to her career, so she never really dated much" is understandable and not as concerning.
"Angie has been pretty much asexual for 20 years, just realized she is gay, and now we're trying to set her up with any lesbians we know" will scare people off.
Which message are people getting from you? Because to be frank, on NSBR, you're coming across as the latter.
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eastcoastpea
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Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Jun 30, 2014 14:43:03 GMT
I think if you can spend some time pursuing personal interests, for example, cooking classes or art appreciation, you will meet people that will share a common interest and that can be the basis for the start of a relationship. Good luck and remember there is no time frame for finding a partner. You are already open to it and that is the first step.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jun 30, 2014 14:50:42 GMT
Okay, I'll be truthful as to why I didn't want to date inexperienced people after my divorce - I didn't want to go through the whole getting-to-know-and-like someone and then find out they had no idea what the hell they were doing in bed. I know it's kind of selfish, but I was at an age where I just had no patience for teaching someone how to be good at it. That sounds so bad, I know. But it's brutally honest. There's plenty of people who are not virgins who really do not know what they are doing in bed. They just do what they want to do with no thought to what might please you, cause that's what they've always done and as long as they 'finish' then all is well. That is very true also.
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