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Post by meeko77 on Jun 30, 2014 14:56:57 GMT
Re: non virgins not knowing what the hell they are doing....for sure! Experience does not always equal how good they are. Some people are truly clueless.
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Post by meeko77 on Jun 30, 2014 14:58:10 GMT
And...some can be taught quickly....by the right person. Sigh....I remember the days...heehee
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Post by M~ on Jun 30, 2014 22:49:22 GMT
Geez, I wrote a long reply and it got erased.
I think I need to clear up a few misconceptions I see:
1) I've never asked anyone to look for dates for me. My friends did that on their own. My friends talked to these two women on their own and did not have my permission to share these details with them. When they told me, I was really upset because I didn't think it was appropriate for them to have done so.
2) I don't talk about this with just everyone (obviously I do here, but it's a MB) and you all don't know me.
3) I am not confused. I know what I want. I have not dated because 1) I come from a very conservative family, and you date to get married, not just to date. I think I've always questioned my sexuality, and for me, the fact that I questioned it at all meant that I was either a lesbian or bisexual. I didn't think I was bisexual because I've just never been attracted to men. 2) I have been very busy with school, work and family duties 3) I didn't think it would be fair to get married just to marry someone, since I was unsure of what I wanted.
4) most people (who don't know me) assume that I am either really religious or that I'm really conservative. A lot of people at work think I'm married because I have a hyphenated last name. I don't discuss these issues openly.
5) I really am not "desperate." I need to be discreet because I haven't come out to the rest of my family. I already know that I'm going to do this, but only when my grandmother dies. That's my deadline for coming out. That's also the reason I cancelled my memberships to online dating sites and I don't "go out to gay events."
Really, I was just curious about the reaction that these two women had. I feel embarrassed, even if they don't know me personally. It's something that I realize it's not the norm in the U.S. but I didn't think people would necessarily have such a strong reaction to. It's really not that weird or unusual in a conservative Latin community.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Jun 30, 2014 22:52:41 GMT
My guess is they've been burned by women who were bi-sexual or "experimenting" and don't want to get involved with someone who is, potentially, not as invested as they are. That was my first guess, as well.
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Post by Lexica on Jun 30, 2014 23:21:56 GMT
Angie, I certainly understand you not wanting it come out until your grandmother dies, but I think it is a shame. You have already given up many years of your life tending to her. Is she really so unyielding that she would turn from you or disown you if she knew you were gay? Does she think it is perfectly fine that you have devoted yourself to her care and your career? Doesn't she want you to experience love and companionship, regardless of whether to not that is a man or woman, does she care that you are single in your 40s?
As far as your friends overstepping and setting you up, I'm hoping it is because they think you are an awesome person with a great deal to offer in a relationship. I would speak with them about announcing your past, or lack of it to others. That's just strange and weird to me. I wouldn't ever think to give a synopsis of someone's virginity to whomever I was recommending to meet you! As a rule, I know nothing about my friends bedroom activities to tell. And if I did, it would have been something told to me in confidence. Tell them to knock that off.
You have siblings, right? Do they date?
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Post by M~ on Jun 30, 2014 23:33:43 GMT
Angie, I certainly understand you not wanting it come out until your grandmother dies, but I think it is a shame. You have already given up many years of your life tending to her. Is she really so unyielding that she would turn from you or disown you if she knew you were gay? Does she think it is perfectly fine that you have devoted yourself to her care and your career? Doesn't she want you to experience love and companionship, regardless of whether to not that is a man or woman, does she care that you are single in your 40s? As far as your friends overstepping and setting you up, I'm hoping it is because they think you are an awesome person with a great deal to offer in a relationship. I would speak with them about announcing your past, or lack of it to others. That's just strange and weird to me. I wouldn't ever think to give a synopsis of someone's virginity to whomever I was recommending to meet you! As a rule, I know nothing about my friends bedroom activities to tell. And if I did, it would have been something told to me in confidence. Tell them to knock that off. You have siblings, right? Do they date?
Yes, she is that unyielding. She's also 99 and ultra-Catholic, so I never expected her to be open about this. God knows I've heard horrible things about gays and lesbians throughout my life from her and from my aunts, uncles and various relatives. She's really the only person beyond my sisters that I care about. Well, two of my sisters. I already came out to them, and they were perfectly fine. I'm not close to my oldest sister, and I've not said anything to her because I know she would blab about it.
Re: my friends. I certainly hope so too. I mean, the only reason my VERY CLOSE friends know is because they know I've never dated. I was upset. I mean, one of my other friends knows a person who wants to date, and SHE didn't share any details about me. These other people did--and I told them to knock it off.
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Post by Lexica on Jun 30, 2014 23:49:53 GMT
Yes, she is that unyielding. She's also 99 and ultra-Catholic, so I never expected her to be open about this. God knows I've heard horrible things about gays and lesbians throughout my life from her and from my aunts, uncles and various relatives. She's really the only person beyond my sisters that I care about. Well, two of my sisters. I already came out to them, and they were perfectly fine. I'm not close to my oldest sister, and I've not said anything to her because I know she would blab about it.
Re: my friends. I certainly hope so too. I mean, the only reason my VERY CLOSE friends know is because they know I've never dated. I was upset. I mean, one of my other friends knows a person who wants to date, and SHE didn't share any details about me. These other people did--and I told them to knock it off.
I understand. You love her and what is the point of getting into anything with her at her age. Well, and this sounds awful, but at least she is 99 and you don't have to put off your own life, at least that part of it, for many more years. I think your love and respect for her is awesome. I would think you could still date, just don't bring them home to meet grandma. There isn't any chance she would be out and about and run into you while you were on a date, like at a restaurant, is there?
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Post by M~ on Jun 30, 2014 23:59:35 GMT
I understand. You love her and what is the point of getting into anything with her at her age. Well, and this sounds awful, but at least she is 99 and you don't have to put off your own life, at least that part of it, for many more years. I think your love and respect for her is awesome. I would think you could still date, just don't bring them home to meet grandma. There isn't any chance she would be out and about and run into you while you were on a date, like at a restaurant, is there? Thanks for understanding. That's exactly it. I figured, "what's the point," when it will only torment her. I still *can* date, but I have to be careful. God no. Not running into her specifically but some random family member, but I can easily explain away having lunch with someone. Now kissing in public is a bit trickier!
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Post by meeko77 on Jul 1, 2014 12:06:01 GMT
Don't worry, Angie, you don't have to kiss in public. I think just getting out and meeting other lesbians would be good for you. Also, be careful not to get sucked up into the inevitable drama of *some* communities. It can get really intense when a bunch of women are involved.
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Post by pynke on Jul 1, 2014 15:32:33 GMT
If I was dating and someone wanted to introduce me to a virgin I would say no thanks simply because I don't want to teach. If i was dating someone and got to know him, had invested in getting to know him and then I found out about his lack of experience it would be different. It would be like let me show you a whole new world because I want to experience it with you. Seems shallow but that's what it would be for me as an older sexually experienced woman.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jul 1, 2014 15:35:25 GMT
to your friends: "Listen, if you stop telling your friends I'm a virgin, I'll stop telling my friends your a slut. Deal?"
LOL
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Post by hennybutton on Jul 11, 2014 0:38:16 GMT
I understand. You love her and what is the point of getting into anything with her at her age. Well, and this sounds awful, but at least she is 99 and you don't have to put off your own life, at least that part of it, for many more years. I think your love and respect for her is awesome. I would think you could still date, just don't bring them home to meet grandma. There isn't any chance she would be out and about and run into you while you were on a date, like at a restaurant, is there? Thanks for understanding. That's exactly it. I figured, "what's the point," when it will only torment her. I still *can* date, but I have to be careful. God no. Not running into her specifically but some random family member, but I can easily explain away having lunch with someone. Now kissing in public is a bit trickier! Don't kiss in public! Problem solved. Personally, I find anything more than a little peck in public a bit off-putting from any couple, gay or straight.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 12:15:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 1:48:35 GMT
Sorry I didn't read the whole thread, but why would your friends tell anyone you've never dated? Seems kind of backhand bitchy to me. To be really honest, people may just be put off by the fact that you haven't dated, and this is taking sex out of the equation entirely, like "Why not, what's wrong with her?" Not that there IS anything wrong, but you know...dating is scary. And also people suck and are judge-y.
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Post by Tamhugh on Jul 11, 2014 2:21:35 GMT
I feel embarrassed, even if they don't know me personally. It's something that I realize it's not the norm in the U.S. but I didn't think people would necessarily have such a strong reaction to. You have no reason to be embarrassed. They just aren't the right ones for you. Hopefully, when the time is right, you will meet someone who doesn't care how much experience you have (or don't have, in this case). Your friends are the ones who should embarrassed for having shared your personal information.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 12:15:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 5:24:55 GMT
Angie I hear you. I took care of my grandma too. I am not gay but I know if I was she would have freaked out. I tried to explained to her why I couldn't marry one of my best guy friends who was gay. She just kept telling me I could change his mind. She didn't get it at all. She had a hard enough time when I joined the Mormon church, she would have freaked if I told her I was a lesbian so I get it. I also agree that it's sad that you are losing years of your life. But man I understand. It's tough because family always comes first. I agree with telling your friends it's fine if they want to set you up but they don't need to share that you have never been with a woman. It's not their business unless you are in a long term relationship. I don't ask guys I date whether they are virgins or not. I wouldn't expect them to ask me either. Although in my culture it is encouraged!
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Post by *KatyCupcake* on Jul 11, 2014 5:50:26 GMT
Too bad so many people place so much value on sex in a relationship. Not that it isn't important or enjoyable, but intimacy is more important than sex itself. You can always learn to please each other sexually and learning with one another is an exciting journey for a couple. Personslly, I'd go for character qualities first if I were prioritizing. Maturity, honesty, confidence, compassion, adventurous, integrity, faithful, etc... Those would come before sexually experienced.
I'd say it's more important to establish a trusting relationship before worrying about physical intimacy. Are there singles groups that plan outings and activities you could join to start establishing friendships? Finding someone to share all parts of your life is important- the physical intimacy will come naturally if you communicate well and have a natural attraction in other areas of your relationship.
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