Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2018 11:39:00 GMT
A situation came up at a family gathering this weekend and I'm curious to know how those with teen boys feel. This is not me, I have a teen girl only.
Obviously we all know that teenagers often don't like to be hugged and kissed in front of their friends. But how about in front of say extended family members? Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc? If they aren't interested in giving mom a hug/kiss goodbye, do you get upset or not think much of it? Would you force the issue?
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Post by destined2bmom on Apr 30, 2018 11:42:41 GMT
No they don’t want any affection in front of anyone. And no, I don’t get upset. I understand that is who they are at the moment; but I miss when I could be that way with them at anytime.
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sueg
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Post by sueg on Apr 30, 2018 11:43:18 GMT
If they aren't interested in giving mom a hug/kiss goodbye, do you get upset or not think much of it? Would you force the issue? I don't believe that children of any age should be forced to hug or kiss anyone at anytime. Even their mum or grandma. |
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Apr 30, 2018 11:45:40 GMT
If they aren't interested in giving mom a hug/kiss goodbye, do you get upset or not think much of it? Would you force the issue? I don't believe that children of any age should be forced to hug or kiss anyone at anytime. Even their mum or grandma. That. It's to my parents' eternal regret that they forced us to hug and kiss a relative who took advantage of that. I will never do that. |
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wellway
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Post by wellway on Apr 30, 2018 11:49:20 GMT
Like you, I only have a girl and I've never forced her to hug or kiss anyone, I really wanted her to understand it's her body, her rules.
I get plenty of hugs from her but rarely in public and that's okay. It's what she is comfortable with.
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liya
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Post by liya on Apr 30, 2018 11:55:08 GMT
I am a parent of a boy and a girl who are now in their 20's. They both did not mind kisses when they were toddlers and gave them freely. As they got older they were much more aware of their personal space and I respected that and never "made" them give hugs or kisses to anyone. My DS is still very reserved and not a hugger; that's okay.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Apr 30, 2018 12:01:56 GMT
My older two boys (ages 15 and almost 13) are somewhat affectionate towards me at home. The oldest especially comes up and gives me hugs at least once a day and he likes when I give him hugs. The younger one is the same, but less frequent with the hugs. I don’t think either of them would refuse a hug from me or my mom in public, but I’m not sure. I would probably be more likely to give a side hug or put my arm around them in most situations in public.
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Post by Zee on Apr 30, 2018 12:02:09 GMT
It's not a big deal. I don't force it. He's 20 now and sometimes if I feel down I ask if I can have a hug and he'll generally oblige but I wouldn't all in front of others.
I do miss my snuggly little boy 😢
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Post by walkerdill on Apr 30, 2018 12:11:42 GMT
I have a 14yo boy. He is not affectionate at all. I don't force it on him. He does give his grandma hugs & grandpa the man hug unprovoked (even in front of other company). It's probably just habit from doing it since he was a baby.
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Post by Kelpea on Apr 30, 2018 12:15:36 GMT
Obviously one should never force a teen, boy or girl, to force them to show affection. That being said, I’m surprised the query is gender specific. My 18 year old son is a HUGE hugger and also is quite affectionate with me in front of his friends, track team, neighbors, etc.
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Post by mom on Apr 30, 2018 12:16:26 GMT
I have 17 & 19 year old sons. They usually will both give me a hug at home (on their own, but definitely if I asked). With other people, I don't make them hug/kiss anyone but both of my boys will give hugs to their grandparents. I've always told them they don't have to hug/kiss anyone they don't want to, but they have to be prepared to be not be bratty about it & they have to be respectful. More often than not, if they don't want to hug someone both boys will stick their hands out to shake hands.
Edited: I misread the OP. No, I would not be particularly upset if DS's did not hug/kiss me bye. I know they love me.
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Kerri W
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Post by Kerri W on Apr 30, 2018 12:19:46 GMT
Obviously one should never force a teen, boy or girl, to force them to show affection. That being said, I’m surprised the query is gender specific. My 18 year old son is a HUGE hugger and also is quite affectionate with me in front of his friends, track team, neighbors, etc. I agree—not gender specific. I have boys and girls and they all started to shy away from public affection in their early teens. Hugs were replaced with eye rolls from what I recall. No, I did not force the issue and think it’s slightly odd that anyone would. |
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on Apr 30, 2018 12:22:44 GMT
Teen boys, like everyone else, are individuals. I have 16 and 18-year-old boys. One will spontaneously hug me whether in private or in public. The other will hug me when prompted but never in public.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2018 12:30:26 GMT
I guess I specified as I thought that teen boys might be more resistant to hugs and affection than girls. Not the forcing part, just the willingness to give/receive on the part of boys.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2018 12:33:14 GMT
Would you force the issue? Good god no. I can't think of anything worse than being forced to hug or kiss someone I didn't want to. Why would we think children are any different? |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Apr 30, 2018 12:37:01 GMT
I used to be a teenage girl and public affection or even private affection with family was uncomfortable for me. I was very private and reserved into my 30s. I’ve become less so with age.
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Post by Kelpea on Apr 30, 2018 12:59:20 GMT
I guess I specified as I thought that teen boys might be more resistant to hugs and affection than girls. Not the forcing part, just the willingness to give/receive on the part of boys. Yeah my girl is the complete opposite of my boy! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2018 13:39:30 GMT
Here's the situation. This weekend we went out to dinner with my parents, sister and nephew (17). It was dd's 18th birthday dinner. After we came back to our house for cake and presents. At some point we were just sitting aroudn relaxing and talking. DD wanted to go to Walmart to get some fabric for the new sewing machine my parents got her. She doesn't drive yet and my nephew offered to take her. So they were getting ready to go and my sister asked her son for a kiss goodbye. He refused. She kept pushing it. My dad said to knock it off as sometimes teenage boys don't want to hug/kiss their mom all the time. That really set my sister off and she and my nephew were arguing about it with him being silly and running around our house and then outside with her yelling after him. She thinks it's disrespectful of her son not to hug/kiss her goodbye (note, he will tolerate it when it's just the two of them, sometimes initiate it) but is uncomfortable showing affection in front of others.
The kids ended up leaving and my sister and dad just argued to the point where she just sat and pouted. She thinks her son should respect her wishes and give her a hug/kiss goodbye. She was also very angry as my dad put in his two cents. My nephew really respects his grandfather's opinion and will now be quoting him whenever my sister wants her son to give her a hug/kiss goodbye. She was also upset because she thought my dad's saying that boys don't like hugs/kisses from their mom is sexist and boys shouldn't be afraid to show affection.
FWIW I see both sides but I think she seriously over reacted and I don't get needing a hug/kiss goodbye every time your child leaves the house just for a short time. I mean it would be nice but they were going to Walmart which is like five miles away. That said, my dd is pretty affectionate and while there are times she doesn't want hugs or kisses, we usually hug a few times a day with her often initating it. So maybe I would feel differently if she were not so affectionate.
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StephDRebel
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Post by StephDRebel on Apr 30, 2018 13:43:18 GMT
I akways allow my boys to make choices for and to be in control of their bodies.
I'm grateful they've always let me smooch their cheeks, call them my schmookies and hug me when they arrive/are leaving somewhere and they don't really care who is around.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 30, 2018 13:50:31 GMT
Here's the situation. This weekend we went out to dinner with my parents, sister and nephew (17). It was dd's 18th birthday dinner. After we came back to our house for cake and presents. At some point we were just sitting aroudn relaxing and talking. DD wanted to go to Walmart to get some fabric for the new sewing machine my parents got her. She doesn't drive yet and my nephew offered to take her. So they were getting ready to go and my sister asked her son for a kiss goodbye. He refused. She kept pushing it. My dad said to knock it off as sometimes teenage boys don't want to hug/kiss their mom all the time. That really set my sister off and she and my nephew were arguing about it with him being silly and running around our house and then outside with her yelling after him. She thinks it's disrespectful of her son not to hug/kiss her goodbye (note, he will tolerate it when it's just the two of them, sometimes initiate it) but is uncomfortable showing affection in front of others. The kids ended up leaving and my sister and dad just argued to the point where she just sat and pouted. She thinks her son should respect her wishes and give her a hug/kiss goodbye. She was also very angry as my dad put in his two cents. My nephew really respects his grandfather's opinion and will now be quoting him whenever my sister wants her son to give her a hug/kiss goodbye. She was also upset because she thought my dad's saying that boys don't like hugs/kisses from their mom is sexist and boys shouldn't be afraid to show affection. FWIW I see both sides but I think she seriously over reacted and I don't get needing a hug/kiss goodbye every time your child leaves the house just for a short time. I mean it would be nice but they were going to Walmart which is like five miles away. That said, my dd is pretty affectionate and while there are times she doesn't want hugs or kisses, we usually hug a few times a day with her often initating it. So maybe I would feel differently if she were not so affectionate. IMO your sister is at high risk of severely alienating her son. I do not say that lightly. I think she's picked a ridiculous hill to die on and by continuing to insist she is doing nothing but exacerbating the situation. |
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Apr 30, 2018 13:53:06 GMT
If they aren't interested in giving mom a hug/kiss goodbye, do you get upset or not think much of it? Would you force the issue? I don't believe that children of any age should be forced to hug or kiss anyone at anytime. Even their mum or grandma. 100% right! |
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Post by malibou on Apr 30, 2018 13:53:17 GMT
I have the extremely affectionate teenage boy. He's 17 and a junior. This kid thinks nothing of giving us hugs and kisses regardless of where we are. When I drop him at school he comes around to my side to get a kiss. His friends teased him a bit when he was younger, but he just told them that he really likes his us and that he is fine with huge and kisses. That ended the teasing. He still holds my hand in the parking lot.
He is also affectionate with others and wouldn't think twice about hugging the mom of a friend, or even one of my friends.
It will be interesting when he gets a girlfriend.
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on Apr 30, 2018 13:54:21 GMT
Your sister was wrong. On so many levels.
Your dad was wrong too - it's not a teenage boy thing, it's an individual thing. I'm not a hugger, one of my teenaged sons is.
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Post by jlynnbarth on Apr 30, 2018 14:19:20 GMT
I would never force either of my kids, a boy and girl, to hug or kiss me or anyone else goodbye. I’m lucky that both of them are super affectionate people and always hug or kiss me goodbye though, no matter where or when. One time I went to a pool party that my dd and I had been invited to for her high school Volleyball team. I was a little late because of a work meeting. When I got there, my dd ran up to me and kissed my cheek and hugged me and said “I’m so glad you made it safely.” Her female coach just stared at us. I assumed she thought we were nuts lol! A few minutes later she approached me and said “I hope you never ever take that welcome your dd gave you for granted. I’ve never seen a single other teen girl show that much love and affection to a parent in all my 10 years of coaching.” I could tell she was being genuine and thought it was very odd but wonderful. I never take that stuff for granted because I know as a teen I didn’t always want to be affectionate with my parents. I remember the first time I didn’t want to kiss my Dad goodbye in front of s group of friends. He bent over to kiss me and I said “please Dad! Not here!” I could tell he was so sad, but he never forced it.
My ds never had a problem hugging me ever. He quit kissing me probably in about 9th grade. He said it felt awkward to be kissing his Mom, and I never took offense. I was happy to receive a hug and he gave those freely no matter when or where, even in front of his baseball team. He didn’t care what any of them thought. He had a teammate that lost his Mom to cancer and I think that made him appreciate that he still had a Mom he could hug.
All kids are different and all parents are different. I’d never force anything on anyone. My sister’s kids aren’t anywhere near as affectionate as my kids. I’m lucky to get a side hug from them when I see them once every couple of years. They just aren’t those people and that’s ok. 😀
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pinklady
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Post by pinklady on Apr 30, 2018 14:21:13 GMT
Why does it matter if it’s a teen boy or girl?
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 30, 2018 14:27:31 GMT
Your sister was wrong. On so many levels. Your dad was wrong too - it's not a teenage boy thing, it's an individual thing. I'm not a hugger, one of my teenaged sons is. I don't know if we have the whole story on if the dad was wrong. In this case there was a teenage boy having an issue with his mother in front of him. Stating teenage boys don't like to kiss their mothers all the time doesn't mean he thinks teenage girls like to kiss their mothers or that teenage boys like to kiss their fathers. He's addressing the issue in front of him, and I wouldn't infer something that wasn't said. The mother fixating on the "sexism" sounded a whole lot like my kids when they were young where if I said "Johnny you're great at puzzles" would induce my daughter to say "I'm good at puzzles too" No one said you weren't. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 30, 2018 14:37:02 GMT
I only have a daughter, and she still likes to get a goodbye hug and kiss before she gets on the school bus in the morning. I’m sure when she gets a little older that will change, and I’ll respect that if and when it happens. FWIW, I don’t like kissing kids on the lips either (or anyone other than DH, really). I kiss her on the forehead or on the cheek.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2018 14:37:58 GMT
Older kids I make them hug us goodbye if they are leaving, i.e. back to college, long trip, etc. By making I mean, telling them to give us a hug goodbye and they do it. I wouldn't argue back and forth about it, but I would be a bit upset if one of them refused, especially being that it's not something we ask for regularly and only in situations where we won't see them for a while. Teen DS we wouldn't ask unless he is going off to some retreat and we won't see him for a bit. Heck, I'm lucky if he grunts when I drop him off at school! With other family members, I just make sure they acknowledge them. Up to them to hug, shake hands, etc.
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sueg
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Post by sueg on Apr 30, 2018 14:55:35 GMT
She thinks her son should respect her wishes and give her a hug/kiss goodbye I guess the other side of this coin is that she should respect his wishes NOT to give a hug/kiss goodbye. ETA: I have two sons, who are now late 20s/early 30s. The younger one is a hugger, always has been, even as a teen while the older one not so much. We went through a phase when I got my goodbye hugs/kisses before we got in the car to drive to school, which was OK by me. I can't recall it ever being an issue with family situations. Mind you, I would never have asked for/expected a hug when they were just going to the store with a cousin either. |
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gizzy
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Post by gizzy on Apr 30, 2018 15:01:45 GMT
Luckily no one in our family takes offense if the niece or nephew doesn't want to give a hug. It's not a big deal at all.
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