hs graduation: family not attending

Here's the thing,if it was your sister posting, most peas here would say that your vacation and your  nuclear family come first no matter the situation. We both know that.  I have found that people here rarely vote on inconveniencing themselves in favor of family obligations and events.

Personally, if she was only an hour away, I think she should come. But then, I tend to always come down on the side of attending things like this. However, I am the minority on this.

For me, a big family event like graduation is a big deal and we never miss them. If she has no physical issues an hour away is nothing. For the party? It depends. Is this mostly a kids' party or is it a big family event? Did she know when he was graduating when she made her vacation plans? Knowing my nephew was graduating around that time I would have made sure my vacation didn't interfere before I booked anything. But every family is different.

Im sorry you're hurt. I would be hurt as well. Yeah she should come to one of the events (if not both) but for whatever reason, she is choosing not to. I would try not to let it get me down and just focus on my son.

The ceremony itself? Meh. I think it’s silly. I didn’t even want to go to my own, much less someone else’s. I hope my own kids will elect not to participate.

The party? I think she should come, but it depends on a lot of other circumstances (what’s she doing on vacation, which was scheduled first, if there’s some reason she can’t drive back, etc.).

I'm sorry you are hurt. It's understandable that you feel this way. We were in your shoes last year. My family and my husband's family both said they were coming to my sons graduation, even though they live several states away. They said they were excited and told us for months that they would stay with us for a week. My family bailed out a month before and his family bailed a week before. We were hurt that they told us one thing, but obviously had no intentions of coming because they never bought airline tickets.

I think that your sister should be at your son's graduation.

However, she obviously doesn't see it that way, since she planned a vacation during the graduation. You probably have 0% chance of getting your sister to see your point of view.

Therefore, I would just enjoy my son's graduation and grad party and try not to dwell on the fact that your sister is not there. (I know it's easier said than done).

So just because you went to her graduations you expect it of her? This sadly may be a lesson for you to not expect from others what you would do.


Did she have these plans before you had a party date set? Is this the only time she could get away with her family? My family would come first, and if I had to miss a nephews party, I would. As long as I acknowledge the graduate to him/her, I think that’s okay. Parties around here are open house style, so some people only stay for a few minutes, including close family.

It sounds like you are judging her love for your son when you state these reasons for attending your nephews' graduations. 

I'm curious what "family teaches at his school" means. Do you have a higher expectation of her attending because of this?

I know every family is different, but expecting anyone other than our immediate family attend a graduation just isn't on my radar of a family obligation. In my family, you don't even get invited to the ceremony. 

Grad parties around here are usually open houses and people will hang around for an hour or two at most. I'd have second thoughts about driving 2 hours roundtrip for a visit where others are vying for the attention of the new grad and my sister is busy hosting.

I would feel sad also.  I can't imagine not being at my nephew's or niece's graduation/party if at all possible.    I hope everything works out.

That's a question that no one else can answer.

You either feel bad or you don't.

Would *I* feel bad in your shoes? Probably. Possibly not, though. It would all depend on everything going on for both families.

I wouldn't expect her to come either. She's a teacher and she's on burnout. She probably needs the vacation for her sanity. For me I go to my nephew and niece's graduations out of love and I don't worry if they don't come to my kids. (They didn't. It was a couple states over and they didn't have the money at the time.) I would take all the facts into consideration and just love my family. It all comes out better if you do.

OP, I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. However, I’ve never understood the hurt feelings and drama surrounding high school graduation. IMO, unless there are special circumstances, it’s not a huge unique accomplishment. It’s a minimal expectation.

Sorry, but I would rather have a root canal than attend a graduation. Unless the graduate is giving a speech. An hour or more of hearing name after name being called and watching diplomas being handed out one at a time is painful. We went to our two daughters' graduation and were happy that the one who graduated college was not interested in the ceremony. I did not even attend my own ceremonies. Graduation parties were for the kids. Family usually had a big meal at a different time and not a party.

But, it sounds like your party is more for every body instead of just grads. But still, not a big issue in my opinion. If you don't make a big issue of it, your son won't either. Its up to you whether you make this about his graduation or about your sister not attending.

Not everybody expresses love the same way. Your sister obviously does not see attending the graduation events as an expression of love. Maybe she sees other things as more important. Talk to her about it and see what her view point is about missing the graduation events. Also, you might find out that this vacation is something that is important to her for reasons she has not shared. Knowing the reasoning behind her decision might alleviate some of the hurt. Perhaps, in the future for things that you feel she should do, it would be wise to let her know just how important it is to you and not assume she knows already. Because she might not know how hurt you are that she is skipping your son's graduation.

True, but it's still a milestone in a kid's life.

I mean, baptism isn't an accomplishment. Heck, getting married isn't (staying married, now that... ). But these are celebratory events that recognize the fact that a person is starting a new phase of their life, and it's nice to do that with your 'tribe'.