momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
|
Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 20, 2018 13:18:48 GMT
Hopefully he gets over it quickly. Sometimes you just need to do what is right for you. Things like this can be eye opening though. We had a similar thing situation and things have never been the same since.
Parents wanted a big anniversary party, I realized on a day that ds had committed to a wedding. Since nothing was planned I thought no biggie, Mom is always about family so she'll want him there. Yeah she wanted him to cancel his plans because she thought she was more important. The date was reluctantly changed and nothing has ever been the same since (a lot of other things went on along with it because it was the first time she couldn't steamroll over everyone to get her way.)
I've used it to learn from. My family is important to me, I would have never behaved like my mother, but it also makes me realize if there is something important that I need certain people to attend then i'd plan after consulting schedules. If it's important you accommodate.
|
|
|
Post by auntkelly on Aug 20, 2018 13:24:29 GMT
High School graduations are a pretty big deal in my family and we’ve attended all but one of our six nieces and nephews’ high school graduations. (One of my nephews was graduating from high school in Oklahoma the same night my son was graduating from high school in Texas, so we missed that nephew’s graduation). We would start talking about the graduations when the school year began, and everyone would add the graduation weekend to their calendar. If it was important to your brother that you attend his son’s graduation, he should have told you the date far in advance. He should have known the date when the school year began. In a way, I understand why your brother’s feelings were hurt that you weren’t at graduation.. However, I think it’s unfair for him to hold a grudge since he didn’t give you the graduation date as soon as he knew it and he didn’t explain to you how important it was to him that you attend. I hope your brother lets go of his anger and the relationship can be healed. While I think graduations are important, I sure don’t think they are worth destroying a brother/sister relationship. She was talking about the party, not the ceremony. Where I live, the parties and the ceremony are generally held on the same weekend, so I was assuming she was invited to both the party and the graduation and missed both due to the wedding. My answer would be the same however, if it was just the party which was missed. If it was really important to the brother that his sister attend the graduation party, he should have told her as soon as the date was set for the party. In my experience, the dates and times for graduation parties are planned far in advance of invitations being sent. If the party was a spur of the moment thing, then the brother should understand if his sister already had plans.
|
|
paigepea
Drama Llama
Enter your message here...
Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
|
Post by paigepea on Aug 20, 2018 13:41:41 GMT
Was this the party or the graduation?? The party - omg the wedding trumps the grad party. Andbto be honest if it was the graduation I’d say the wedding trumps that too (unless it is your child’s HS graduation).
Around here graduation isn’t as big a deal as in the US, I think.
|
|
|
Post by Skellinton on Aug 20, 2018 13:49:08 GMT
My brother did the same thing, and I was furious. Graduations are a big deal around here, my son was Valedictorian, and my brother is my closest sibling and he and my son have a wonderful relationship. I was extremely hurt. I got over it, obviously. But, I was hurt. I bet your brother is too. An heartfelt apology and some understanding could go a long way. But in this situation the op had already committed to another event and made travel arrangements. I don’t know why your brother missed your son’s graduation, but if weddings and graduations carry the same weight (which is debatable, but I don’t see a situation where a HS graduation out weighs a wedding unless it is your own kid) which ever one asked first and was rsvp-ed to first wins.
|
|
|
Post by mellowyellow on Aug 20, 2018 13:53:39 GMT
We have a pretty small family so we do try to make it to all events if possible. With that being said, my immediate family comes first. If that makes me selfish then so be it. I really try hard to accommodate everybody but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I spent my early adult life being guilted into doing things that I didn't really want to or jumping through hoops to make a family event. You had already made plans and I agree with the others....if it was so important they should have given you advanced notice.
I think you did just fine with the card and gift. Hopefully they will get over it quickly.
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Aug 20, 2018 13:56:50 GMT
I knew my son's graduation date one year in advance. I knew I wanted my family there so I told them one year in advance. Three months in advance I reminded them (they didn't need a reminder, but I did anyway ). That you got your nephew's grad invite so late is on your brother. If you didn't know, you go to the first thing you said yes, too. Also, as the mother of a son, I can assure you, your nephew likely did not care.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 3, 2024 1:24:16 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 14:02:00 GMT
You were thoughtful to send the card and gift. I can't imagine that your nephew is upset with you, so hopefully his parents will let their anger go because you are a thoughtful person.
|
|
|
Post by rockymtnpea on Aug 20, 2018 14:08:17 GMT
Just like Realky Red I knew my sons graduation one year ahead of time. As soon as they posted the graduation date I consulted the other calendars for my kids’events (State Track is always that same weekend) and I booked the venue for the grad party. I immediately told my immediate family and asked them to note it on their calendars. Our event was fabulous and all the other moms with kids graduating at the same time stayed away from the date I selected (not that I expected them too but the kids like to go to each other’s party) Win win.
My sister on the other hand waited and waited to select a date for her sons party. I reminded her on January, February and March that people would start filing their calendars with events and she need to select a date. In April I reminded her again and in MAY she picked a date...that conflicted with another family grad party. Ugh. She picked another date and it changed twice within the week of the party. The final date she picked conflicted with a close friends daughters party (in a different city) so we had to leave early.
I do t think she was mad but if she was that is on her. Plan ahead.
Our last kids are graduating in 2020. I will select the grad party date and book the venue in May 2019...my sister will again fly by the seat of her pants. Lol
Oh and NO...EVERYONE does NOT graduate from high school. Check out drop out rates.
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 20, 2018 14:53:32 GMT
Just how much advance notice did he give? Surely the date of graduation was known months and months ahead. Did he not give you advance notice? If not, then the onus is on him. Around here, the graduation ceremony and the graduation party are almost always on different weekends so the date of the graduation itself is irrelevant. Most of the time graduates only get 4-6 tickets to the actual ceremony and the individual grad parties will stretch for weeks after that, often well into July. If we get an invite to a party and we’re already committed to something else, oh well. The graduate will get a nice congratulatory card with a check inside, which honestly is what most of them really care about.
|
|
|
Post by Prenticekid on Aug 20, 2018 14:56:09 GMT
Graduations are a big family event in our family, sort of like mini family reunions. Yeah, the graduate might get over it, but the other family who got dissed because they got fluffed off? I can certainly see hurt feelings there. It isn't like graduations jump up out of nowhere. You know when a person you know is coming to that age and you know when graduations usually occur, and you know how your family treats them and what the expectation is. It does not take an actual invitation for me to know that my nephew is graduating in June and a party will be planned in that timeframe. In this case, when the wedding invite for SO arrived, presumably OP knew she had a nephew ready to graduate. A simple phone call or text to say "hey, when is Little Johnny's party...." could have lent itself to the decision to go to the wedding that required hotel reservations.
I guess I just understand the brother being upset, and find it a little sad that others are so quick to brush off his hurt.
|
|
IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
|
Post by IAmUnoriginal on Aug 20, 2018 15:20:53 GMT
I can't imagine that your nephew is upset. I don't really understand why his parents are, either. It's on them that they didn't let you know well ahead of time if your presence at your nephew's party was important to them. Summer weekends fill up fast. They could have told you at Christmas "We're still settling on a weekend, but we're having a party in early August before he leaves for college." You would have known to check before RSVP'ing for the wedding, if you really didn't want to miss it. Your brother and SIL are being boobs.
Like Really Red, I knew DS's graduation date a full year ahead. The date doesn't change for us no matter how many snow days because it's held at a local community college. We were in MN last Labor Day to take DS's senior pics. I let my family know then that we'd be having DS's party at my brother's place so that my grandpa wouldn't have to travel too far, and I'd let them know a date as soon as my sister-in-law and I figured it out. By Christmas, they knew we were planning on June 9th. We sent out official invitations with details later, but all those important to DS knew we were coming up from IL that weekend well ahead of time.
|
|
|
Post by myshelly on Aug 20, 2018 15:21:37 GMT
I’m a really involved aunt. I love my nieces and nephews and *want* to be super involved with them.
To me, you knew he was graduating this year, you know approximately what time of year, I would have asked brother, hey, any ideas on date for grad party? before agreeing to the wedding.
I mean, I always ask my SIL and sister for the dates of their kids’ birthday parties before making any plans in their birthday months.
I would have sent SO to the wedding without me and I would have gone to see my nephew.
|
|
|
Post by chances on Aug 20, 2018 15:51:17 GMT
[quote author=" wellway" This would be me too. I don't understand the significance, doesn't everyone finish high school? [/quote] Why would you say this when you know it isn't true? Are you trying to be condescending or hurtful?
|
|
|
Post by myshelly on Aug 20, 2018 15:55:05 GMT
[quote author=" wellway" This would be me too. I don't understand the significance, doesn't everyone finish high school? Why would you say this when you know it isn't true? Are you trying to be condescending or hurtful?[/quote] Because to most people finishing high school seems like the bare minimum required, not a big deal to celebrate. I see graduation parties as sort of like a birthday party, you’re celebrating the person and the milestone, but it’s not as if it’s an impressive achievement.
|
|
ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
|
Post by ginacivey on Aug 20, 2018 16:00:37 GMT
High School graduations are a pretty big deal in my family and we’ve attended all but one of our six nieces and nephews’ high school graduations. (One of my nephews was graduating from high school in Oklahoma the same night my son was graduating from high school in Texas, so we missed that nephew’s graduation). We would start talking about the graduations when the school year began, and everyone would add the graduation weekend to their calendar. If it was important to your brother that you attend his son’s graduation, he should have told you the date far in advance. He should have known the date when the school year began. In a way, I understand why your brother’s feelings were hurt that you weren’t at graduation.. However, I think it’s unfair for him to hold a grudge since he didn’t give you the graduation date as soon as he knew it and he didn’t explain to you how important it was to him that you attend. I hope your brother lets go of his anger and the relationship can be healed. While I think graduations are important, I sure don’t think they are worth destroying a brother/sister relationship. this - graduations and the parties are important in my family once a child starts their senior year we start discusssing events and when the graduation date is set - around here it's usually february -we make plans - our graduation parties follow the graduation - the next day because everyone is in town for the actual grad ceremony it's just how we do it - your milage may vary for me - i'd have backed out of the wedding as soon as i learned the dates conflicted - gina
|
|
pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,630
Nov 14, 2016 23:47:03 GMT
|
Post by pinklady on Aug 20, 2018 16:02:10 GMT
Graduations aren't just about the graduate, it's also a celebration for the parents who sweated and sacrificed to get the kid there.
Wow, considering what you wrote on the S/O post, you really think everything is about YOU. Honestly, you need to lighten up and stop acting so entitled.
|
|
rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,130
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
|
Post by rickmer on Aug 20, 2018 16:02:20 GMT
graduations aren't a big deal here either beyond immediate family. you see an occasional grandparent and maybe an aunt or uncle here and there - usually just parents/siblings.
you made a commitment and already put money out... you would think he would understand.
if it was that important, i would have put notice out months in advance to ensure my sister checked with me for any sept events before accepting (no, i wouldn't actually... but again, graduations are just not that big of deal here)
|
|
|
Post by refugeepea on Aug 20, 2018 16:05:20 GMT
I guess I don’t see what’s the big deal about a graduation party - probably because they’re not a thing where I come from. They aren't a big thing everywhere in the U.S.! I didn't know they were a thing until 2 peas and I am relieved that we don't do them here! My husband and me come from large families. He's the oldest and I'm the youngest. It would be never ending. By the time the teens graduate from high school in his family, the great grandchildren in my family will be graduating . Within 3 years, there is going to be 9 nieces and nephews graduating and my own daughter. No thanks!
To the OP, you made plans previously. A wedding trumps graduations if you are equally close to both. At least to me.
ETA: I have 34 total nieces and nephews NOT counting the greats. My immediate family is more important than attending every.single.event.
|
|
kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
|
Post by kibblesandbits on Aug 20, 2018 16:30:21 GMT
Graduations aren't just about the graduate, it's also a celebration for the parents who sweated and sacrificed to get the kid there.
Wow, considering what you wrote on the S/O post, you really think everything is about YOU. Honestly, you need to lighten up and stop acting so entitled.
I don't think everything is about me, at least I hope not. But, as I said in the other thread, I'm willing to look at the issue. Thanks for your input.
|
|
craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
|
Post by craftykitten on Aug 20, 2018 16:48:22 GMT
[quote author=" wellway" This would be me too. I don't understand the significance, doesn't everyone finish high school? Why would you say this when you know it isn't true? Are you trying to be condescending or hurtful?[/quote] Because, like me, wellway is in the UK and graduation parties just aren't a 'thing' here, at all. Nor are graduation ceremonies. We don't have valedictorians and nobody gives a speech. For 16 years olds, Most schools here in my county go on study leave sometime in May, and then the kids come back in to sit their exams. They'll get their results at the end of August. And there's no such thing as 'failing', really...you can get terrible exam results obviously but you don't fail to graduate or anything like that. You just get poor exam results. And nobody retakes a year- if your exam results were so bad you had to redo it then you'd probably just go to a 16+ college and retake the ones you need. So truly, I struggle to understand the cultural significance that a lot of you put on graduation because it is totally alien to me.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 20, 2018 16:48:55 GMT
IMO, graduations, weddings, and funerals you make every effort to show up. Depending on the relationship, I would think wedding trumps graduation but not if it's like a neighbor's kid or a work colleague getting married.
|
|
|
Post by deekaye on Aug 20, 2018 16:59:36 GMT
I understand your bro/sil being disappointed that you weren't there, but its ridiculous to be mad. Graduations are a huge thing in my family and we just had a college graduation party for our daughter. For what I thought was a pretty lame reason, my sister skipped the party to hang with some friends. I was disappointed (and yes, if I'm honest, a little mad) but it's not worth it to create family drama over. If I were you, I'd just silently roll my eyes at bro/sil and move on. Their issue, not yours! ETA: I'm not insinuating that YOUR reason for missing the party was lame. I think it was valid. Just saying that in MY opinion, my sister's excuse was lame.
|
|
|
Post by chances on Aug 20, 2018 17:10:36 GMT
[quote author=" wellway" This would be me too. I don't understand the significance, doesn't everyone finish high school? Why would you say this when you know it isn't true? Are you trying to be condescending or hurtful? Because, like me, wellway is in the UK and graduation parties just aren't a 'thing' here, at all. Nor are graduation ceremonies. We don't have valedictorians and nobody gives a speech. For 16 years olds, Most schools here in my county go on study leave sometime in May, and then the kids come back in to sit their exams. They'll get their results at the end of August. And there's no such thing as 'failing', really...you can get terrible exam results obviously but you don't fail to graduate or anything like that. You just get poor exam results. And nobody retakes a year- if your exam results were so bad you had to redo it then you'd probably just go to a 16+ college and retake the ones you need. So truly, I struggle to understand the cultural significance that a lot of you put on graduation because it is totally alien to me. [/quote] I'm not talking about graduation parties or different cultural emphasis. I'm talking about flippant statements that everyone finishes high school. They dont-- not even in the UK. Different contexts place different levels of importance on events, but it's an extra (and condescending) statement to say everyone graduates (eyeroll, what's the big deal?).
|
|
wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,896
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
|
Post by wellway on Aug 20, 2018 17:46:16 GMT
Why would you say this when you know it isn't true? Are you trying to be condescending or hurtful? Because, like me, wellway is in the UK and graduation parties just aren't a 'thing' here, at all. Nor are graduation ceremonies. We don't have valedictorians and nobody gives a speech. For 16 years olds, Most schools here in my county go on study leave sometime in May, and then the kids come back in to sit their exams. They'll get their results at the end of August. And there's no such thing as 'failing', really...you can get terrible exam results obviously but you don't fail to graduate or anything like that. You just get poor exam results. And nobody retakes a year- if your exam results were so bad you had to redo it then you'd probably just go to a 16+ college and retake the ones you need. So truly, I struggle to understand the cultural significance that a lot of you put on graduation because it is totally alien to me. I'm not talking about graduation parties or different cultural emphasis. I'm talking about flippant statements that everyone finishes high school. They dont-- not even in the UK. Different contexts place different levels of importance on events, but it's an extra (and condescending) statement to say everyone graduates (eyeroll, what's the big deal?).[/quote] My question was , in fact, a question not a statement. Nor was my question intended to be condescending just a request to understand why graduation was so important to the point of causing discord in families when it is not noted in the expected manner.
|
|
tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,370
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
|
Post by tincin on Aug 20, 2018 17:56:22 GMT
My brother and SIL are upset because I didn't go to my nephews's high school graduation party. I did send a card with a monetary gift. I had all ready agreed to go to a wedding with my SO. We had responded yes to the wedding and booked our hotel reservation before receiving the grad invitation. I guess I also missed my nephew's 8th grade grad party too (I don't remember why). It's actually been a quiet summer .... the party and wedding were my only two invites .... of course they were on the same day/same time .... 2.5 hrs away from each other. I told my brother that I was sorry I missed the party. Enough with the cold shoulder from him. Thanks for listening! They’ll get over it. In the big picture a high school graduation is small potatoes. Quite honestly, I have likel missed half of my 35+ nieces and nephews graduation parties. What I haven’t missed is sending them a card and money. I have never received the cold shoulder but then again I could just be oblivious to it.
|
|
|
Post by lexilu on Aug 20, 2018 18:00:48 GMT
Just how much advance notice did he give? Surely the date of graduation was known months and months ahead. Did he not give you advance notice? If not, then the onus is on him. They sent the graduation invitation about one month before party. The wedding Save the Date came about 8 months ago and we had all ready responded "yes" to wedding before receiving grad invite.
|
|
|
Post by lexilu on Aug 20, 2018 18:20:19 GMT
Lordy, that is ridiculous. Sit at a graduation party for 3-4 hours in the heat or go have fun at a wedding? I'm sure if it was her, she would have been at the wedding also. I don't understand people and why they feel family has a major obligation to them. My brother is mad at me also. I said I couldn't go to my niece's baby shower because we are going up to our lakehouse for a girls' weekend, which I am hosting. I think because he is a guy he doesn't understand that sitting at a shower for 3 hours, compared to going away for the weekend with my friends, wouldn't be more fun. I'm sure they will be petty and "pay you back" by somehow not attending something you are hosting. I'm also skipping my great-nephew's 1st birthday party, as we have friends coming up to our lakehouse. If they are mad, so be it. You're absolutely right about the 4 hours sitting in the heat under a tent in their backyard. My SO has been friends with the groom's family for 26+ yrs. Their children grew up together since birth. The groom's dad is my SO's dentist. I have known the groom's mom and dad for 5 years. My SO has gone with me to all lot of my family functions. I couldn't back out of the wedding with 3 weeks notice to go to my nephew's graduation party. Then, my SO would have been the one mad at me.
|
|
|
Post by lexilu on Aug 20, 2018 18:22:13 GMT
My SO has been friends with the groom's family for 26+ yrs. Their children grew up together since birth. The groom's dad is my SO's dentist. I have known the groom's mom and dad for 5 years. My SO has gone with me to all lot of my family functions. I couldn't back out of the wedding with 3 weeks notice to go to my nephew's graduation party. Then, my SO would have been the one mad at me.
|
|
|
Post by lexilu on Aug 20, 2018 18:33:46 GMT
I’m a really involved aunt. I love my nieces and nephews and *want* to be super involved with them. To me, you knew he was graduating this year, you know approximately what time of year, I would have asked brother, hey, any ideas on date for grad party? before agreeing to the wedding. I mean, I always ask my SIL and sister for the dates of their kids’ birthday parties before making any plans in their birthday months. I would have sent SO to the wedding without me and I would have gone to see my nephew. I asked about the date for the grad party in the middle of June, but they didn't have a date yet. The invite came via facebook around the end of June, then, a mailed invite came early July. The grad party and wedding were end of July. I couldn't back out of the wedding with 3 weeks notice to go to my nephew's graduation party. Then, my SO would have been the one mad at me.
|
|
|
Post by lexilu on Aug 20, 2018 18:43:18 GMT
This graduation vs wedding dilemma has been a learning experience. I have a lot of family graduations, weddings, showers, etc. in the years to come. I will make sure I ask for the dates of upcoming events and write the dates on my calendar. I'll also be sure to let family members know of date conflicts, especially my brother and SIL.
|
|