Nink
Pearl Clutcher
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Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Aug 20, 2018 18:56:59 GMT
Our family is very close, but i didn’t make it to a single niece/nephew graduation or party. Nor did my siblings make it to my DS and that’s been ok with all of us. It’s just not a big thing in our family. But we’ve made it to every wedding.
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Post by wholarmor on Aug 20, 2018 19:01:55 GMT
I would have been mad at you too, but HS graduations are a bigger deal around here. Both sides of the family are small and everyone makes the effort to show up for the big stuff (graduations, weddings, etc.). I will say that I most definitely would have made sure everyone knew the date months in advance. So what's bigger? graduation or wedding? That's a hard place to put anyone in. They made their reservations already. You would have no right to be mad at them. The only family members besides my mom and sister that came to my high school graduation was my grandma. And you know what? I didn't care. I still got gifts from others. I think the OP's brother and SIL are being petty, and I think you are, too.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 20, 2018 19:04:09 GMT
But what did your son think?? Grad parties are big here too but I also know that kids are excited at who is there and don't give a second thought to someone who was unable to come. I know that my nieces and nephews were very understanding to relatives and friends who might not have been able to attend. It's one day in a lifetime of other events. I suggest that lexilu call and talk to her nephew and explain. Kids are more understanding than we think. Truthfully, I don't know what he thought. I wanted my family together to witness a unique and proud event, it was very important to me. I'm guessing my son had other things on his mind, i.e., his speech to 4,000 people. Graduations aren't just about the graduate, it's also a celebration for the parents who sweated and sacrificed to get the kid there. It's about family honoring achievements and rites of passage. My son was the salutatorian and also gave a speech. It was a great day and I was able to sit on the stage for a different honor. My brother didn't come and I was okay with it. It was a very proud moment for me, but my brother didn't feel the same way. I think that was okay though. I think people put demands on others that don't always make sense to other people. Grad parties here are important, but getting mad at family for not attending something just doesn't make sense to me.
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Post by wholarmor on Aug 20, 2018 19:19:33 GMT
I didn't even have a graduation party. Life went on. I didn't know that graduation parties were a thing until I went to a cousin's just a few years ago. Graduations aren't necessarily that big of a deal to many in the U.S. A lot of people I know who graduate from college don't even want to attend their graduation ceremony because it's long and boring.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 20, 2018 19:24:20 GMT
I didn't even have a graduation party. Life went on. I didn't know that graduation parties were a thing until I went to a cousin's just a few years ago. Graduations aren't necessarily that big of a deal to many in the U.S. A lot of people I know who graduate from college don't even want to attend their graduation ceremony because it's long and boring. I went to my college graduation because my parents wanted to attend. I also got a VCR our of it, so it was worth it to me. I didn't attend my master's degree graduation though. That seemed too painful.
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Post by littlemama on Aug 20, 2018 20:02:54 GMT
If your presence meant that much, he should have made you aware of the date well in advance.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,522
Location: So Cal
Jun 26, 2014 16:42:12 GMT
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Post by caangel on Aug 20, 2018 20:07:48 GMT
I’m a really involved aunt. I love my nieces and nephews and *want* to be super involved with them. To me, you knew he was graduating this year, you know approximately what time of year, I would have asked brother, hey, any ideas on date for grad party? before agreeing to the wedding. I mean, I always ask my SIL and sister for the dates of their kids’ birthday parties before making any plans in their birthday months. I would have sent SO to the wedding without me and I would have gone to see my nephew. I asked about the date for the grad party in the middle of June, but they didn't have a date yet. The invite came via facebook around the end of June, then, a mailed invite came early July. The grad party and wedding were end of July. I couldn't back out of the wedding with 3 weeks notice to go to my nephew's graduation party. Then, my SO would have been the one mad at me. IMO the only other thing you could have done (and maybe you did) is let them know you had a wedding on x day. Other than that you should not feel guilty at all. You did all you could and their poor planning was the result of you not attending. As someone else said if they really wanted you there they would have verified that the date worked for you and planned ahead of time. It's on them not you.
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amom23
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Jun 27, 2014 12:39:18 GMT
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Post by amom23 on Aug 20, 2018 20:20:48 GMT
I would have been mad at you too, but HS graduations are a bigger deal around here. Both sides of the family are small and everyone makes the effort to show up for the big stuff (graduations, weddings, etc.). I will say that I most definitely would have made sure everyone knew the date months in advance. So what's bigger? graduation or wedding? That's a hard place to put anyone in. They made their reservations already. You would have no right to be mad at them. The only family members besides my mom and sister that came to my high school graduation was my grandma. And you know what? I didn't care. I still got gifts from others. I think the OP's brother and SIL are being petty, and I think you are, too.
WTH? OP asked a question and I gave MY opinion. Where I live HS graduation is always held on Memorial Day Sunday at 2pm. Graduation open houses are always held afterwards. The graduating class doesn't get to party hop, but underclassmen, family friends and family do. DH and I have small families and we all show up for the big stuff in our lives if at all possible. So yeah I'd be mad if someone didn't show, but would I get over it? Of course.....duh! Obviously there should have been better communication between OP and her brother's family. I think they are both to blame for their situation.
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Post by lexilu on Aug 20, 2018 21:31:31 GMT
So what's bigger? graduation or wedding? That's a hard place to put anyone in. They made their reservations already. You would have no right to be mad at them. The only family members besides my mom and sister that came to my high school graduation was my grandma. And you know what? I didn't care. I still got gifts from others. I think the OP's brother and SIL are being petty, and I think you are, too.
WTH? OP asked a question and I gave MY opinion. Where I live HS graduation is always held on Memorial Day Sunday at 2pm. Graduation open houses are always held afterwards. The graduating class doesn't get to party hop, but underclassmen, family friends and family do. DH and I have small families and we all show up for the big stuff in our lives if at all possible. So yeah I'd be mad if someone didn't show, but would I get over it? Of course.....duh! Obviously there should have been better communication between OP and her brother's family. I think they are both to blame for their situation.
Obviously there should have been better communication between OP and her brother's family. I think they are both to blame for their situation. OP: Yes, I have definitely learned from this graduation-wedding dilemma. I have a lot of family graduation parties, weddings, showers, etc. in the years to come. I will definitely ask the dates of the events and write them on my calendar.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 3, 2024 0:26:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 22:55:58 GMT
Truthfully, I don't know what he thought. I wanted my family together to witness a unique and proud event, it was very important to me. I'm guessing my son had other things on his mind, i.e., his speech to 4,000 people. Graduations aren't just about the graduate, it's also a celebration for the parents who sweated and sacrificed to get the kid there. It's about family honoring achievements and rites of passage. My son was the salutatorian and also gave a speech. It was a great day and I was able to sit on the stage for a different honor. My brother didn't come and I was okay with it. It was a very proud moment for me, but my brother didn't feel the same way. I think that was okay though. I think people put demands on others that don't always make sense to other people. Grad parties here are important, but getting mad at family for not attending something just doesn't make sense to me.
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quiltz
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Posts: 6,760
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Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Aug 20, 2018 23:14:46 GMT
My brother did the same thing, and I was furious. Graduations are a big deal around here, my son was Valedictorian, and my brother is my closest sibling and he and my son have a wonderful relationship. I was extremely hurt. I got over it, obviously. But, I was hurt. I bet your brother is too. An heartfelt apology and some understanding could go a long way. Truthfully, I don't know what he thought. I wanted my family together to witness a unique and proud event, it was very important to me. I'm guessing my son had other things on his mind, i.e., his speech to 4,000 people. Graduations aren't just about the graduate, it's also a celebration for the parents who sweated and sacrificed to get the kid there. It's about family honoring achievements and rites of passage. Did they at least acknowledge the graduate with a card & gift? How much notice did you give them about the date? Simply because something is important to you, doesn't make it that important to someone else. Sliding out of the same vagina does not obligate you to spend time with siblings if you don't want to. It seems to me, after reading various posts by you, that you like things done your way. From your response from an open garage door (from someone who might be concerned about theft) to having time with your step-ds's children to a high-school graduation. If people don't act/accept/do things the way YOU want, they are hurting your feelings. I would really step back and take an overall look at things. You seem to seek out drama. Your way or the highway. Something that is important to you doesn't necessarily register as the same importance on my part.
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Post by refugeepea on Aug 21, 2018 0:06:42 GMT
Where I live HS graduation is always held on Memorial Day Sunday at 2pm. Graduation open houses are always held afterwards. I'd decline based on the date. A long holiday weekend and graduation right in the middle, nope.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 21, 2018 1:57:01 GMT
I'd be pissed as hell at my brother. In fact ds will graduate in May and if my brother decided that he wouldn't be there, our relationship would not be the same.
He has 2 kids and I have 2 kids and while family is probably more important to me, it is also important to him
I'd also be very irritated if my cousins or my aunts and uncles that live close weren't there.
(This is for the graduation party, not the ceremony).
We flew from colorado to Florida for my niece's graduation. She was valedictorian, but we would have gone anyway.
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pilcas
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Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Aug 21, 2018 2:29:26 GMT
So what's bigger? graduation or wedding? That's a hard place to put anyone in. They made their reservations already. You would have no right to be mad at them. The only family members besides my mom and sister that came to my high school graduation was my grandma. And you know what? I didn't care. I still got gifts from others. I think the OP's brother and SIL are being petty, and I think you are, too.
WTH? OP asked a question and I gave MY opinion. Where I live HS graduation is always held on Memorial Day Sunday at 2pm. Graduation open houses are always held afterwards. The graduating class doesn't get to party hop, but underclassmen, family friends and family do. DH and I have small families and we all show up for the big stuff in our lives if at all possible. So yeah I'd be mad if someone didn't show, but would I get over it? Of course.....duh! Obviously there should have been better communication between OP and her brother's family. I think they are both to blame for their situation.
I guess every place is different. I live in a big city where there are public and private schools galore. There are tons of different dates and they are generally known maybe 3-4 month’s in advance. They have been known to change as well due to scheaduling issues. THey are usually held mid June, on a weekday because school staff is not available on weekends. Graduation parties are not a thing here. When husbands relative from Florida sent a graduation announcement for her son I thought it was weird. Later I learned it is actually a tradition in some places. Pleople place different values on different things. What is very important to someone may not be important to you and it’s something that we need to accept or we will always be unhappy about something. There are times that you need to do what seems right to you and forget about other people’s expectations. Often We are all pulled in many different directions ad we need to stand our ground and do what is right for us.
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AmeliaBloomer
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Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Aug 21, 2018 3:06:29 GMT
I didn’t have grad parties for my kids. Kids graduate. Parents parent, no matter what the kid’s GPA was.
We did attend many backyard parties, so I wrote dozens of $50 checks. I’m sure my kids would have liked that benefit, but the whole thing doesn’t sit well with me.
But the biggest surprise of this thread is that people invite relatives to graduation CEREMONIES. Ouch! Torture alert!
So, as you can guess, I’d choose the wedding. LOL.
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Aug 21, 2018 4:04:57 GMT
I went to my college graduation because my parents wanted to attend. I also got a VCR our of it, so it was worth it to me. I didn't attend my master's degree graduation though. That seemed too painful. I didn't want to attend my masters graduation, but my parents (who footed the bill for it) said, "Oh, no, you WILL walk!" and so walk I did - it was a small price to pay. Now I'm glad to have my masters hood for academic parades, even if I never got doctoral bars for my robe. I did have a party for HS graduation (a small, family affair in my parents' home). I remember who came, and I have no idea who did NOT attend. For my own kid, we did not have a grad party. There were plenty of events held by the school and coordinated by some moms in the class. The aunts and uncles live too far away to be expected to attend, and only one surviving grandparent was well enough to attend - that was my mom, and we all enjoyed spending time with her. For us, graduation and grad parties are things we attend if it's convenient. Nobody cares if we can't make it.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 21, 2018 4:11:32 GMT
I went to my college graduation because my parents wanted to attend. I also got a VCR our of it, so it was worth it to me. I didn't attend my master's degree graduation though. That seemed too painful. I didn't want to attend my masters graduation, but my parents (who footed the bill for it) said, "Oh, no, you WILL walk!" and so walk I did - it was a small price to pay. Now I'm glad to have my masters hood for academic parades, even if I never got doctoral bars for my robe. I did have a party for HS graduation (a small, family affair in my parents' home). I remember who came, and I have no idea who did NOT attend. For my own kid, we did not have a grad party. There were plenty of events held by the school and coordinated by some moms in the class. The aunts and uncles live too far away to be expected to attend, and only one surviving grandparent was well enough to attend - that was my mom, and we all enjoyed spending time with her. For us, graduation and grad parties are things we attend if it's convenient. Nobody cares if we can't make it. I didn't walk at my masters and I regret it now.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Aug 21, 2018 4:24:48 GMT
I didn't want to attend my masters graduation, but my parents (who footed the bill for it) said, "Oh, no, you WILL walk!" and so walk I did - it was a small price to pay. Now I'm glad to have my masters hood for academic parades, even if I never got doctoral bars for my robe. I did have a party for HS graduation (a small, family affair in my parents' home). I remember who came, and I have no idea who did NOT attend. For my own kid, we did not have a grad party. There were plenty of events held by the school and coordinated by some moms in the class. The aunts and uncles live too far away to be expected to attend, and only one surviving grandparent was well enough to attend - that was my mom, and we all enjoyed spending time with her. For us, graduation and grad parties are things we attend if it's convenient. Nobody cares if we can't make it. I didn't walk at my masters and I regret it now. I didn't walk at my Master's and I have no regrets. So many expectations about things on this thread. My siblings and I didn't have grad parties; my brother didn't even attend his own high school graduation ceremony. I think it's nice when family can attend a grad party, and we try to attend when we can, as we do with other grad parties, like for friends' and neighbors'children. But I don't think it's a big deal when we can't. And around here graduation dates are not always set in stone at the beginning of the school year; they can change based on "snow days" used. And parties are held that weekend or any of several weekends afterwards. And sometimes parties are done jointly with other grads, so there may be two or three kids being celebrated at the same party, some of whom we may not know. I'm just bemused by the number of people who would be mad because someone didn't make it to a grad party. We made it to some this spring/summer, and not to others because we had other commitments or plans.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 21, 2018 10:59:24 GMT
I didn't even have a graduation party. Life went on. I didn't know that graduation parties were a thing until I went to a cousin's just a few years ago. Graduations aren't necessarily that big of a deal to many in the U.S. A lot of people I know who graduate from college don't even want to attend their graduation ceremony because it's long and boring. I went to my college graduation because my parents wanted to attend. I also got a VCR our of it, so it was worth it to me. I didn't attend my master's degree graduation though. That seemed too painful. i attended my college graduation because my father ‘made’ me. He had bet me $1000 that I would not graduate so to get my money I had to actually do the ceremony jst picking up the degree did not count in his eyes. As per the OP- families are big and varied and sometimes there are 2 events on one day. IMHO if you already accepted an invitation then you have to honor that commitment unless there was an emergency situation. A hs grad party is not an emergency situation. That’s the proper thing to do. If your brother wanted you there so bad he could have let you know the date long before. Graduations are set months& months before.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 3, 2024 0:26:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2018 13:38:36 GMT
Simply because something is important to you, doesn't make it that important to someone else.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 21, 2018 16:23:00 GMT
I went to my college graduation because my parents wanted to attend. I also got a VCR our of it, so it was worth it to me. I didn't attend my master's degree graduation though. That seemed too painful. i attended my college graduation because my father ‘made’ me. He had bet me $1000 that I would not graduate so to get my money I had to actually do the ceremony jst picking up the degree did not count in his eyes. As per the OP- families are big and varied and sometimes there are 2 events on one day. IMHO if you already accepted an invitation then you have to honor that commitment unless there was an emergency situation. A hs grad party is not an emergency situation. That’s the proper thing to do. If your brother wanted you there so bad he could have let you know the date long before. Graduations are set months& months before. My mom died about 18 months after I graduated from college. My dad came to me and handed me a check. He said, "Your mom wanted you to get your master's degree. Take this is you want to go." Well, crap, how does one say no to that? I got my degree (on weekends) while teaching. It was difficult, but I am glad he pressed me to do it.
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Post by elaine on Aug 21, 2018 16:40:01 GMT
We have 22 high schools in our school district. All big enough (2000-3000 students) that graduation is held at a local college (George Mason) auditorium. As should be evident, no 2 high school graduations are at the same date and time. They are spread out over 2 weeks, with some days having an afternoon graduation and an evening graduation. Grad parties start in May and run through July.
Simply because something is done one way where you live, doesn’t mean it remotely resembles what is done someplace else.
Sending a card and gift is a perfectly fine substitute for physical presence, IMO. People sometimes can’t physically attend events, for a whole variety of reasons. It isn’t for me to judge or force them to attend. What *is* important is that they acknowledged the event and sent the appropriate wishes to the celebrant.
Someday, any one of us might not be able to physically attend an event. You don’t know what the future holds for you. May people be understanding and kind to you in those cases.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 21, 2018 16:43:42 GMT
3We have 22 high schools in our school district. All big enough (2000-3000 students) that graduation is held at a local college (George Mason) auditorium. As should be evident, no 2 high school graduations are at the date and time. They are spread out over 2 weeks, with some days having an afternoon graduation and an evening graduation. Grad parties start in May and run through July. Simply because something is done one way where you live, doesn’t mean it remotely resembles what is done someplace else. Sending a card and gift is a perfectly fine substitute for physical presence, IMO. People sometimes can’t physically attend events, for a whole variety of reasons. It isn’t for me to judge or force them to attend. What *is* important is that they acknowledged the event and sent the appropriate wishes to the celebrant. Someday, any one of us might not be able to physically attend an event. You don’t know what the future holds for you. May people be understanding and kind to you in those cases. In our district, one school has it in their gym (5,000 people attend- it's cramped), and the other school rents out the World Arena. They don't always get it the day they want it and it changes. I am always kind of surprised that people don't assume everyone does things differently. I guess so many of my friends live all over the US and I just know that families, schools, governments etc. are all different.
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PaperAngel
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Posts: 7,601
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Aug 21, 2018 17:17:02 GMT
Based on your OP & subsequent posts, you should be upset with your brother! His family planned your nephew's graduate party at the last minute, which conflicted with your prior committment. They're probably upset because few people showed, since many others invited likely had already committed to other events during the busy summer. You were kind to send a card & gift in lieu of attendance.
I wish your nephew & his fellow 2018 graduates success in their future endeavors.
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