julie5
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Post by julie5 on Nov 8, 2018 15:38:55 GMT
Not forever but for awhile. School starts in les than 2 months for me and I’ve been sobbing hysterically for the past 24 hours. My husband has had about a million mind changes about the money and mentally I’m shredded. Just shredded. So I’m looking around the house and I’m thinking if I put away one thing stressing me out, maybe I won’t feel so bad. Maybe I won’t feel so guilty. He’s blubbered I’m about being the only income so I decide to go but then he blubbers that I have to help with his business more and I feel like I’m never going to win. My heart hurts really bad right now and my gut says go. Take care of me. He’s going to be mad no matter what I decide.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Nov 8, 2018 15:48:27 GMT
(((Hugs)))
You need to do what it takes for you to be successful. You are the one with children to think of.
You've shared on the boards before, and I know you have a lot going on. I've been in similar situations as you.
I'm sorry he isn't supportive, and I know it's involved. I totally get it. Start making your plans. They don't have to be perfect, and they're not written in stone. But you don't want the day to come when it is go time and have no idea what to do.
Do you have a safe place where you could send your finished scrap pages?
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Nov 8, 2018 16:13:45 GMT
(((Hugs))) You need to do what it takes for you to be successful. You are the one with children to think of. You've shared on the boards before, and I know you have a lot going on. I've been in similar situations as you. I'm sorry he isn't supportive, and I know it's involved. I totally get it. Start making your plans. They don't have to be perfect, and they're not written in stone. But you don't want the day to come when it is go time and have no idea what to do. Do you have a safe place where you could send your finished scrap pages? Thank you for all the love and support you’ve given. I got my school bill yesterday and went straight into panic mode because of the money. He’s yelled at me for that in the past. Then he said it’s whatever makes me happy. And I said for me to be happy you need to be happy because you’re unhappy most of the time. So then he says I’m too valuable here at home. So I slept on it. And I kept coming back to all the weekends he screams at me for not doing enough. Or all the times he screams that he’s the only income. And all the time and effort I put into getting readmitted to school. And how proud my kids are of me. So I said ok I think I’m going to go. By the time I graduate, my youngest that I am homeschooling will be doing mostly project based work and graduating high school. So my career will be getting started as my child heads off to college and needs money from me. I have reread my posts on NSBR and I know the doubt in my head is him. I know this. I know I have to face the real world. It’s so hard when you’ve been emotionally put through the ringer for so long. It’s hard to face people. It’s humiliating really. Because I know it’s not right. And I post here to hold myself accountable because I find myself wanting to stay hidden inside my home. And nothing will ever change if I do that. He’s panicking too. He is going to flip the fuck out when he doesn’t control every minute of my day and that’s why I’m crying so much. Cause I know he’s going to make it difficult. But i honestly feel like giving g up some times and I know that that’s not healthy for my kids. I can’t give up. I can’t stay home and hide and let him keep pulling me down emotionally. I’m helping my 19 year old DD through a break up and I’ve said all of this to her this week. I need to say it to myself too. If he loves me, he’ll support me. Most of the times deep down I think he loves himself more than he’ll ever love me. Maybe that’s why I’m afraid. I’d have to face that. |
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Post by scrappersue on Nov 8, 2018 16:22:49 GMT
I don't know your story, but I do know what a controlling relationship looks like. Go to school, no matter what - do that for you. My advice is to go to counseling. I did back then (individual and couples) and it was through that that I knew I had to get out of my marriage. It was not pretty and it was not easy and it was not cheap and it was not quick. But, 14 years later I look back and it was worth it. My happiness was worth it. My children's happiness was worth it. You are worth it.
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Post by sleepingbooty on Nov 8, 2018 16:27:58 GMT
Oh, dear Julie, my heart breaks for you. I can see you find excuses for him as though he is just a misunderstood toddler who needs to find an outlet for all his negative emotions and you're the one who'll save him. I know this is an uncomfortable armchair diagnosis to read but I saw the title of your thread and wondered if this was going to be about your marital relationship rather than the scrap stuff, which it unfortunately is.
Everything that makes you who you are, including your aspirations, are/have become sources of anxiety and stress for you which is the true shame in this sad situation. You're considering packing up and putting away your hobby so it doesn't impact your home life. You're *so* close to going back to school and wondering if it's the right decision after all (and the incredible opportunities that have come your way since summer) because it could impact your home life. And by home life, alas, I mean your husband. That's what really worries me here. You're bending and breaking and twisting yourself to suit his tantrums and emotions. In the process, you end up crying your heart out and feeling stressed which is actually the result of his lashing out rather than your hobby or your choice to pursue a realistic career choice for which you need to make a temporary financial sacrifice. But you still try to convince yourself it's scrapbooking and going back to school that are to blame. Those things are not the culprits here. I wish you'd see.
Do what makes you feel good and morally doesn't hurt others. If others are hurt because you're spending some time on your own, getting an eduation so you can both have a positive impact in the world (you're aiming for such a wonderful and much-needed job!) and a career or simply playing with paper and photos, then you're not doing anything morally wrong. They're only hurt because you're no longer 100% at their beck and call, physically, emotionally and mentally. And that's no life to live.
Life is not Beauty and the Beast. You're not going to change someone radically and make them mature, grow up and "see the light" by loving them more and sacrificing more of yourself, of your life for them. You should not give up what matters to you for someone else. Ever.
I know you come to us because you're aware we will push you forward. And we will again today. There's no way you're giving up now. Not on your beautiful KP baking mini kit or your schooling. Nuh-huh, not happening, young lady. You've worked hard to get this close to going back to school. You still want this career opportunity, right? You still want to spend some time at school starting in January, right? You still want to bake some cookies for Christmas and make a mini about it, right? If so, don't give up. Don't pack up your feelings and your scrap stuff and your amazing school + work opportunity.
ETA: Even people unaware of your history and marriage immediately see the red flags go up, julie5 . scrappersue 's own experience is very telling. Please consider the basic survival kit: counseling for yourself at the very least, a secret bank account with an address away from your marital home (set up a PO box) so you can stash even just $50 to 100 away a month, a safe place for you and your children to go.
ETA2: Some reading material because you've just come out of a horrible 24h of crying and are likely mentally drained and experiencing a lot of mixed emotions. I hope this will help your brain settle and find its way again.
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Nov 8, 2018 16:49:31 GMT
Still reading but had to say sleepingbooty I kept my kp kit/supplies/album out because I already promised my kids a cookie party. They will have so much fun.  |
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Post by streetscrapper on Nov 8, 2018 17:00:52 GMT
I honestly don't know your story but I see red flags for sure. I've been there too... a long time ago but I did exactly what sleepingbooty said, stashing away money until I could get out. It took over a year ... 22 years ago... and I've never looked back. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do. It's not easy but peace of mind in a non-controlling environment is worth every struggle. Hugs to you... |
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Post by sleepingbooty on Nov 8, 2018 17:01:06 GMT
Still reading but had to say sleepingbooty I kept my kp kit/supplies/album out because I already promised my kids a cookie party. They will have so much fun. And so will you, madame la pâtissière!  |
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Post by Citygirl on Nov 8, 2018 17:16:56 GMT
I also don't know your story but I lived a similar story with my ex husband. All I can say is going back to school and getting my degree was THE BEST thing I have ever done for myself. My only regret was not doing it sooner. It was a total game changer for my life, and independence. You will never regret it.
I also believe that a true partner is someone that supports and encourages you to pursue your passions and interests. Big change is always scary and there are sacrifices to made but you should not be made to feel bad for bettering yourself and your family.
Good luck!
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Nov 8, 2018 17:22:45 GMT
Yesterday I had completely decided not to go and cried all day. And today I post on here and am so glad I’m going to go. Thank so much peas. <3 last night he was actually telling me how important I am and how much he needs me here. I slept on that and reminded him this morning that it wasn’t even 3 weeks ago he was screaming about how it was going to take so long until I’m graduated and working and bringing in money. I told him I never know what he’s going to get mad about and it makes decision making impossible. He hasn’t spoken to me since I decided to go ahead and go. I’m going to buy my books next week. There will no turning back then. |
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Post by cynipidae17 on Nov 8, 2018 17:29:51 GMT
Just sending you hugs
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Post by dasmith2 on Nov 8, 2018 17:47:03 GMT
I have no words right now I’m just heartbroken your doh is a complete selfish ass 🤦♀️ You take care of you sweetie because he is going to keep doing what he has been. Lots of hugs to you 💕💕💕stay strong
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Nov 8, 2018 17:48:59 GMT
And maybe I just need to *move my scrap stuff to a better location in the house thank you guys. From the bottom of my heart. |
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peasquared
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Post by peasquared on Nov 8, 2018 19:20:09 GMT
I am so sorry for the rollercoaster you seem to be on. Look out for yourself, you are number 1! No one else is going to. As sad as that is. Move forward and don't look back. You need that self pride, honey. I'm afraid he's making you believe you aren't worth it, but you are!
Remember, we are here for you, always.
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Deleted
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Jun 27, 2024 2:29:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2018 20:00:01 GMT
Many many thoughts for your peace of mind, julie5 |
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Post by sjwoody1167 on Nov 8, 2018 20:09:19 GMT
Go to school. Education is the one thing no one and nothing can take away from you. Like you said, your husband will be unhappy either way so do what is good for you.
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 8, 2018 21:18:10 GMT
Maybe he's worried that if you have a good job you will leave him. Who knows. Do this for you. You. You can help out if and when you have time. Right now your education take a front seat. DO NOT go back on this. With your eduction, you can make positive changes. Without it, you are stuck where you are.
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kate
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Post by kate on Nov 8, 2018 21:47:10 GMT
 You're doing great. Hang in there, and stop by the RefuPod whenever you need a boost! |
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clio
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Post by clio on Nov 8, 2018 22:01:27 GMT
We don’t know each other, but I have been here too. Survival kit described above - especially P.O. Box and starting some savings with the alternate address. Things you care about - sentimental, important papers, etc - in a safe place, outside the house if you can, so no one can hurt them/you (I had a generous friend who put things in her basement and never told anyone). Go back to school. You will grow and be amazing. You are so much stronger than you think & you can do this!
Wishing you peace.
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Post by katyscrap on Nov 8, 2018 23:29:22 GMT
Bettering yourself is never wrong. You have been beaten down for so long, it will be empowering to take a stand and get to a state of independence. Do what is best for YOU, not for him. He may not be in your life next week, next month or next year.
I have always worked and had a career and when I got divorced, I was fine moving out and getting an apartment. I left him everything, I just needed to get out. I can't imagine being stuck in a marriage because I didn't have the financial means to make it on my own. It took a lot of strength to get out but it was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. I am now remarried and in a healthy relationship.
(((hugs))) You have a whole cheerleading squad behind you. Come and talk to us if you ever need a boost of encouragement. Some wise women on 2peas told me to take it one day at a time and that's what I'm doing. Don't panic about the future, just do what you can in the present. YOU GOT THIS!!
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nicolep
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Post by nicolep on Nov 9, 2018 15:06:54 GMT
julie5 All I can say is that you have been through SO much for so long now. I believe you're determined and can do anything. GO TO SCHOOL. GO GO GO. I can tell through your words that your children and going to school are things that bring YOU joy! ((hugs))
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Post by dasmith2 on Nov 9, 2018 20:39:44 GMT
You have already been through so much and this emotional roller coaster he is putting you on, isn’t okay, it’s abuse. I’m sure you know that though, with all you’ve gone through. He is trying to keep you down, making you feel guilty, for going to school.... more than ever you need to go. My ex was the same way... the final straw for me was when he started screaming in my daughters face. It finally hit me, after 18 years of marriage I looked at my daughter and thought there’s no way I want her to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship. I left, wasn’t allowed to take any beds, any of my clothes, no vehicle he burned my as card, birth certificate etc. we were allowed 2 dressers a tv and a nightstand. It sucked, I cried so much. I sold my wedding band for gold scrap so we had food to eat. But the greatest thing that happened, is that my daughter thanked me. When she saw herself in a bad relationship, she was able to recognize it and cut it off and didn’t look back. I still lack self esteem and suffer from ptsd, but at least my daughter learned enough not to put herself in an abusive situation. Leaving may not be something you’re considering, but please don’t let him stop you from going to school and if you’re open to therapy I’m sure there’s one out there willing to show you just how great you truly are and that you deserve so many great wonderful things. My heart aches for ya and sorry all I know I’m being overly personal but idc. Hugs hugs hugs and much love to you 💕
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joyfulnana
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Post by joyfulnana on Nov 10, 2018 3:58:04 GMT
julie5 I don't "know" you, but I've seen enough of your posts to get an idea of how things have been for you. Please don't give up on yourself. GO TO SCHOOL!! You want this, and you have to do what's best for YOU. He isn't going to change, do what you need to do for YOU! No matter what you do, he will want the opposite, and going to school will be your way out when you are ready. And keep enough of your supplies out so that you can give yourself a crafty break! You will probably need it
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dald222
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Post by dald222 on Nov 10, 2018 4:22:09 GMT
I am so sorry that you have to do this  |
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Post by stinkerbelle on Nov 10, 2018 4:59:27 GMT
i've read many of your posts on different threads and this is just my opinion, but your husband sounds like a dick. listen to that little voice inside you, keep re-reading your posts, do what you have to do for you and your children, and know we're here for you!
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Nov 10, 2018 14:41:57 GMT
Posting here cause I just feel like the world is piling up on me. My middle daughter is going to letter in band this year, she already has her chevron. So I bought a lettermen jacket for Christmas for her, paid for and all. I asked for her chevron and told her it was a surprise.
So she texts my oldest daughter to tell her how much she really I’m not buying one (daughter sent the screenshots) and it just broke my heart. We just bought her a new coat because she was cold and she said that one was enough when I was really trying to tide her over until the lettermen jacket was ready at Christmas.
So I’m thinking of just throwing it in the closet with the bridesmaid dress I paid for for my oldest daughter who didn’t want to be in my wedding. I’m just hurting right now.
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Post by sleepingbooty on Nov 10, 2018 15:41:32 GMT
julie5 Those teenage years though. They're tough on everyone, the teen and their surroundings. I think it would've been better had you not been sent the screenshots because emotions run high with those hormones being all over the place and the exploration of independence and autonomous identity. I clearly remember the exaggeration galore and overall lack of tact if not a desire to shock in how we express ourselves at that age.
I wouldn't pay too much attention to it. Put the jacket away for a few weeks and then let it slip under the Christmas tree. Things will blow over, including your daughter's over-the-top feels that were not meant for your eyes. She was confiding in her older sibling and was likely using a typical teen tone of woe-is-me-stuck-at-home that wasn't not meant for anyone else but her peers. I get it. I said some stupid stuff about my own mother when I was that age. If she'd heard/seen that, she would've been (rightfully) hurt. Thankfully for me, no screenshots were sent, no conversations taped.
Don't let that get to you.
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Post by woodysbetty on Nov 11, 2018 12:04:05 GMT
julie5, sometimes all you can do is take a deep breath and live your truth. Big cyber hugs and positive supportive energy sent!!
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kitbop
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Post by kitbop on Nov 11, 2018 12:39:11 GMT
 teens! She will love it when she gets it. When money is tight and you think you've made the wrong choice it hurts - this I have very personal experience on - but to me this sounds more like a teenager trying to save her Mom some money and that she'll really love it when she gets it after all. With all other the stuff above - all the hugs I can offer aren't enough and yes, I too see immediate red flags even tho I'm not over on NSBR and don't know your background story. My heart hurts for you. In my case, I had a controlling emotionally abusive mother (still do. And I've never "won" once.), and being emotionally beat down is just...exhausting. Even now, a few times a year I end up sobbing in my bed over what my Mom has said. I have to be VERY logical about what she has said - it's ridiculous when you break it down - like you can see that your DH flip-flops on what he is angry about - it isn't LOGICAL. We're all with you!! |
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Nov 11, 2018 14:18:32 GMT
Thanks yet again girls. You’re seriously the best to listen to me. I cried all day yesterday. Like a big baby. It’s overwhelming sometimes and sometimes I just can’t be the strong person I need to be. I told him this week that he’s made it pretty much impossible to ever make any kind of decision. He gets mad over everything.
The nsbr ladies gave pointed out (rightfully so) that I keep inviting this chaos into my life for a reason and I’m guessing that’s true.
When I was5, my mom had a boyfriend and he would drive her to parties and I slept in the hatchback portion of his car. As an adult I have a bunch of what he was actually driving her to (I think she was prostituting) but asa kid I just knew that when she got out of the car, that was the scary time. He would ask if I was asleep. I wouldn’t answer because I was pretending to sleep. Then he would get angry and yell “answer me” so then I would shrug my shoulders. Then he would yell because I wasn’t allowed to shrug my shoulders. Then he would pull over because I was awake. Then he would pop the hatchback and beat me with his belt. And a few other things.
Now my point yo that story is I was screwed either way. And I think as an adult I’ve been triggered and live in a somewhat helpless state of mind because I feel like none of my answers are going to be the right one.
Anyways thank you again for listening. I’m trying to just ride the storm out because I know that this too will pass. But it’s hard.
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