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Post by teach4u on Jan 14, 2019 17:24:38 GMT
Long story short: one of my students began the year with extremely disruptive behavior on a daily basis. Had a meeting with parents and the child has made huge gains. I am in frequent email communication with one parent(other doesn't email). I have been sending complimentary email praising the changes, etc. I have been letting administration know of the positive progress. I thank parents for their help, etc.
Anyway, I sent an email asking parent to remind student of expectations ( we haven't had a full week since Christmas) and I wanted to emphasize progress.
Parent 2 sends me email tearing me to shreds. I call parent to diffuse situation, which it seemed to do. Talked things through, but parent was still pretty testy. I was on the cusp of tears, though I held it together.
I'm so done working hours after school, all weekend, all summer, to get reamed a new one for asking parents to simply remind their child of the expectations we are jointly working on.
How do you let conversations, emails like these roll off your back?
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,885
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 14, 2019 17:37:47 GMT
I'm not a teacher but I just want to say I'm sorry that happened to you.
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,890
Jun 26, 2014 12:56:40 GMT
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Post by CeeScraps on Jan 14, 2019 17:41:59 GMT
I would bet it isn't you at all. They probably envy what you've accomplished with their child. I would bet that the child is acting up due to break and not having your structure and they don't have structure at home.
Consider the source....the parent and them having to live with said child without your support. It's hard, been there done that. They have a lot going on at home you aren't aware of. It's not right what they did. If they continue invite them in for a meeting. They may spill what's going on.
***I had parents attack me at a Curriculum night. I had a room full of parents. A lot of parents whom I had with previous children. These parents went for my neck. I stood there and listened. I openly invited them to come in the following morning with their child for a meeting. They took me up on it.
The following morning they attacked once again. This time in front of their child. I looked at their child and asked that the child explain what was happening in class. I was seeing white, they were seeing black. The child was lying to them. ALL THE TIME! The parents backed off big time. They apologized.
Fast forward about 3-4 months. Dad was having an affair. The child wanted attention from them. The parents divorced.
Oh and back to curriculum night...the previous parents were very, very supportive and complementary to me in front of the upset parents. The previous parents absolutely did not understand where the upset parents were coming from.
So.....no, not right, but I just bet the stress of the child being home over break has just thrown the house into a tizzy. Oh, and remember this at Spring break. It may be the same thing. If you meet with the parents bring that up to them.
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Post by Merge on Jan 14, 2019 17:47:11 GMT
Try to remember that when people act like that, it usually doesn't have anything to do with you. It's all about them. You don't know what's going on in that person's life right now - maybe they just got bad news or are under a lot of stress about something else.
Also - remember that kids who consistently make poor behavior choices often (not always) also have parents who also lack emotional or behavioral self control. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree!
Take a deep breath and let it go! Treat yourself to a little something after school and pat yourself on the back for remaining calm and professional. If this kid has parents who will "tear you a new one" via email, he probably relies on you to be the calm, thoughtful, steady one in his life.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Jan 14, 2019 18:42:56 GMT
I often remind staff - 9 times out of 10, the story behind the misbehavior won't make you angry; it will break your heart. Many parents do not see their part in their child's behavior. I have worked with great parents, but they needed some coaching in areas they just did not know about. It was not how they were raised so they just did not know.
When I have had parents attack me I look at the child and think: That child is surrounded by this daily, what can I do to make a positive impact in that child's life. I just need to let go of the parent's anger and focus on the child, that is the reason I am there.
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Post by mikklynn on Jan 14, 2019 18:47:28 GMT
I am sorry. Just know there are more parents out there that appreciate you than there are jackasses.
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Post by destined2bmom on Jan 14, 2019 19:20:53 GMT
I am sorry. Just know there are more parents out there that appreciate you than there are jackasses. This. And what everyone else has said is also very true and insightful. I am not a teacher but have many friends who are and when they find out what the parents are like; they understand the child. There have been some kids who have such a bad home life emotionally, who want to do well at school and their parents are jerks and don’t see the need to help them at home or that they are a team with the teacher. For one family, the child needed counseling and extra help and the dad said absolutely no to the offer. And he was the biggest jerk parent at school.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Jan 14, 2019 21:11:20 GMT
I'm so done working hours after school, all weekend, all summer, to get reamed a new one for asking parents to simply remind their child of the expectations we are jointly working on.
Trying to get this straight - you sent an email reminding them of behavior expectations? Why? Has student been slipping in the days after christmas? Or was he/she behaving? If my kid were behaving and I got that e-mail, I'd be kind of upset. It's unnecessary. I probably wouldn't rip your head off, but I wouldn't be happy.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,143
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Jan 14, 2019 21:47:43 GMT
As a teacher, when parents were not receptive to my efforts in keeping them informed I took it as my cue to desist in my communication efforts. I often sent our schools pre-written letters where we checked off the issues, as poor grades, absences, etc. Concerned parents called, those who were not ignored my letters but there was usually no conflict. Phone calls often result in lengthy conversations where parents tell you all their troubles, gripes etc. Parents can be very unreasonable when they are caught by surprise with bad news. Thus I learned to send off a letter. Emails also have the potential to being answered inmediately in a moment of hot headeness. You are very professional to do all you do but now you are left with a bad feeling. In the future perhaps you can reach out to parents only when there is a problem that has to be resolved. Your time is important too.
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Post by teach4u on Jan 14, 2019 23:01:26 GMT
To be clear: the kid was misbehaving and I asked the parent remind them of the expectations we discussed.
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Post by teach4u on Jan 14, 2019 23:03:10 GMT
There was a reason for the email: behavior had slipped and I wanted to work with parents to redirect it
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,080
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Jan 14, 2019 23:06:32 GMT
There was a reason for the email: behavior had slipped and I wanted to work with parents to redirect it Your post made it sound like you preemptively sent an expectation reminder before a behavior issue popped up. I don’t know how teachers deal with some parents. It can’t be easy!
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Post by teach4u on Jan 14, 2019 23:09:12 GMT
I had been dealing with this behavior since the second week of school. Now on week 20
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,890
Jun 26, 2014 12:56:40 GMT
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Post by CeeScraps on Jan 14, 2019 23:19:58 GMT
It’s been going on way too long. Have you given a thought to refer this child or call a meeting with specialists? Rating scales? Have those been done?
Just tossing out somethings. I’m guessing you’ve done these.
I still believe the parents are tapped. Not an excuse just could be the reality.
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gottapeanow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,813
Jun 25, 2014 20:56:09 GMT
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Post by gottapeanow on Jan 14, 2019 23:28:22 GMT
As a former teacher, this type of treatment from parents frustrated me immensely.
Note the use of the word "former."
Just one of several reasons that I left the profession.
OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Lisa
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Post by kernriver on Jan 14, 2019 23:36:41 GMT
They’re upset about something concerning their child. Expect emotions to run very high. Do your best but expect the parent to react with an unusual amount of emotion because its regarding their child. And remember that no matter how much you want to do right by the child, the parents want it more. Its an unequal equation and the teacher usually comes out on the short end of things.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Jan 14, 2019 23:38:42 GMT
Thank you for teaching our children.
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,016
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Jan 14, 2019 23:41:17 GMT
I'm not a teacher, but I am a parent and I'm so sorry the parent upset you when all you were trying to do was help their child. I agree with what others have said. Most parents don't want to hear bad things about their children. Emotions are high. You did what you could to diffuse the situation. Be confident that you did it in the best interest of the child.
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Post by freecharlie on Jan 15, 2019 0:18:19 GMT
They’re upset about something concerning their child. Expect emotions to run very high. Do your best but expect the parent to react with an unusual amount of emotion because its regarding their child. And remember that no matter how much you want to do right by the child, the parents want it more. Its an unequal equation and the teacher usually comes out on the short end of things. that is not always the case
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Post by kernriver on Jan 15, 2019 0:49:20 GMT
They’re upset about something concerning their child. Expect emotions to run very high. Do your best but expect the parent to react with an unusual amount of emotion because its regarding their child. And remember that no matter how much you want to do right by the child, the parents want it more. Its an unequal equation and the teacher usually comes out on the short end of things. that is not always the case Of course. I was thinking about the times I had to rip my kids’ teachers a new one.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,821
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Jan 15, 2019 2:47:58 GMT
I’m sorry this happened to you. Parents are the downside to teaching.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Jan 15, 2019 3:14:19 GMT
To answer your question, how I let conversations like that roll off my back...
first, it sometimes takes a while. But I've learned several things over the years. Some of them may not apply.
The apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree. If a kid doesn't know how to treat people, he probably learned his disregard for respect from home.
Some people's problems aren't mine. If a parent overreacts to something I am going to assume they have some issues at play. Maybe they are going through a rough time or maybe they're a-holes. Those problems aren't mine and I don't have to take on their burdens.
Parents have no power over me. They can make my boss' life complicated and in turn he can complicate mine, but they have zero direct power. If they want to ruin my day they're going to have to work for it.
sometimes parents have no frickin' clue what to do with their kids. They're at a loss and they react poorly when they're told what they're trying isn't working. They may expect that the teacher is the expert and if the teacher doesn't know, then what are they supposed to do?
or the opposite - how in the world is their child an issue at school when he's a perfect angel at home? It must be because the teacher sucks.
Regardless of the reason, there is no excuse for a parent to rip into a teacher. Zero. Even if the teacher does suck, the parent has no authority over the teacher and no right to be nasty. In the future I would not recommend making a phone call after an email like that. If you feel you must call, make sure there is someone else in the room and you do it over speakerphone.
I used to take things personally. I rarely do now. People that act that way just are not worth your emotions. I promise you, she isn't worried about it like you are.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Jan 15, 2019 3:18:47 GMT
that is not always the case Of course. I was thinking about the times I had to rip my kids’ teachers a new one. You've never had to rip your kids' teachers a new one. That isn't your place - YOU ARE NOT THEIR BOSS!
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Post by freecharlie on Jan 15, 2019 3:30:30 GMT
Regardless of the reason, there is no excuse for a parent to rip into a teacher. Zero. Even if the teacher does suck, the parent has no authority over the teacher and no right to be nasty. In the future I would not recommend making a phone call after an email like that. If you feel you must call, make sure there is someone else in the room and you do it over speakerphone. I agree with this
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,789
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jan 15, 2019 3:37:10 GMT
that is not always the case Of course. I was thinking about the times I had to rip my kids’ teachers a new one.Really? You went at a teacher? As an educator, that makes me very sad.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jan 15, 2019 3:41:26 GMT
As a parent I have so much respect for teachers. I'm sorry that you have to deal w/this frustrating situation. My ods is studying to become a teacher and I have told him that biggest hurdle will likely be the parents.
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Post by freecharlie on Jan 15, 2019 3:42:50 GMT
that is not always the case Of course. I was thinking about the times I had to rip my kids’ teachers a new one. I hope your child got a new teacher
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,789
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jan 15, 2019 3:44:20 GMT
Regardless of the reason, there is no excuse for a parent to rip into a teacher. Zero. Even if the teacher does suck, the parent has no authority over the teacher and no right to be nasty. ABSOLUTELY! It is NOT the parents place to rip into a teacher. Email the teacher with your issue, look for a mutually beneficial agreement. If that doesn't work, cc the principal and go from there. IME, parents think they are the "boss" of the teacher. Many times they have ZERO clue of what happens daily in the classroom in regards to their child's behavior. I have a kid that I asked 3 times in less than 5 minutes today to be quiet. 7th grader. QUITE capable of being quiet. Made the conscious decision to NOT be quiet. Said child ended up calling their parent because they kept needing to talk just to talk. I can't teach with that going on in my room all day. Not happening. The parent TORE into their kid. Kid came back to their seat and continued with his crappy behavior. I called, parent TORE into me for interrupting their day. Yeah, that parent won't get called again. Paper trail is going to be quite long on this one. I've been dealing with their lack of parenting for 94 days. I will deal with it for another 86 this year and then 180 next year.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Jan 15, 2019 4:17:39 GMT
I’ve had students whine that they’re going to tattle about a decision I’ve made. They’re usually surprised when I share that I don’t work for their parents. That I am not too concerned about their opinions about how I run my classroom.
Now, I have had some crappy exchanges with parents before. And I’ve had spineless admin cave to parental demands. But like I said up thread, if you’re going to upset my day, you’re going to have to work hard for it, lol.
For the most part, I don’t want or need parents’ permission or their opinions. If a student has extenuating circumstances please let me know and I will take them into consideration when I make decisions for the whole class. I want all of my students to be happy and successful. If their parents are as well I consider that a bonus, not a necessity.
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Post by kernriver on Jan 15, 2019 4:25:20 GMT
Of course. I was thinking about the times I had to rip my kids’ teachers a new one. I hope your child got a new teacher Unfortunately,they would not budge. But when itcame to my younger son I left a furious voicemail with the principal and she called me back and said ’I understand. Your son will not have Mrs. horrible teacher. Thanks for the call’. Years later this particular teacher happened to walk in front of my car in a parking lot and it was all I could do to keep my foot on the brake. She was the worst.
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