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Post by houstonsandy on Jan 22, 2019 20:50:58 GMT
...after she has told him that she wants to "take a break"? They have been friends since high school and have dated seriously for the past four years. He's a great guy and everyone around here absolutely loves him! He's been such a part of the family for so many years...I can't just drop him as easily as my dd apparently can! lol.... He graduated college last spring and has been working full time now since summer. He works 12 hour days and has been doing training in Utah, Nebraska, and Houston. DD is still away at college (the same one he graduated from) and now finds him to be "boring". Seriously?!?!? He is working hard at building a career and saving money to get married! I get that they are in different phases of life right now....I just hope she does not regret her decision later and find out its too late to go back. Oh well...her life/her decision.... But back to my original question....is it odd to want to keep in contact with him? I'm not ready to just say so long. Its like losing a son!
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Post by busy on Jan 22, 2019 20:54:04 GMT
I suppose I can understand the impulse, but I don’t think you should do it. It puts pressure on your DD and it gives false hope to the boyfriend.
This is why I’m not a big fan of boyfriends/girlfriends being “part of the family” in young relationships. It makes breaking up more complicated than it should be, and high school/college kids shouldn’t have to worry about hurting their families if they want to break up.
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Post by missmiss on Jan 22, 2019 20:56:29 GMT
I would say yes. Maybe not odd but odd. Would you still talk to your daughter's ex-husband if they had to ties together? I don't think I could. I would be upset if my parents talked to one of my boyfriends after we stopped dating. Sooner or later communication will stop though because nothing tying the two of you together unless they get back together.
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Post by mustlovecats on Jan 22, 2019 21:01:40 GMT
I wouldn’t do it. When it’s over they should move on. If the mom of someone I dated tried to keep in touch with me I would think it was kind of past a boundary. I don’t have ties with any of them anymore and that’s healthy.
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Post by houstonsandy on Jan 22, 2019 21:04:55 GMT
I guess I should also mention that I am friends with his mom too....lol. We both host International Students and carpool together.
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Post by christine58 on Jan 22, 2019 21:08:51 GMT
is it odd to want to keep in contact with him? I'm not ready to just say so long. Its like losing a son! Yes...you can be polite when you see him..do NOT search him out to keep contact. Your DD is more important.
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Post by sean&marysmommy on Jan 22, 2019 21:13:29 GMT
I don't think it's odd at all; people form attachments to each other. But please try not to keep him in your life if it bothers your daughter. After 4 years of dating my first fiance, my mom was devastated when I broke up with him. He was a great guy, but I was convinced he wasn't the one for me. When I started dating someone new a few months later, my mom was downright rude towards him, constantly making comparisons, etc. It was the biggest disagreement we've ever had, and we didn't speak for about 3 months. This is back when I was 21-ish, and I'm 42 now!
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Jan 22, 2019 21:13:31 GMT
Odd? No, he seems nice and hard working. Should you do it? Nope...be nice since you see his mom but I wouldn't go out of your way to check up on him.
Your DD has her reasons for wanting to break up and while you may not agree with them it's her decision and who knows maybe there is more to her wanting to break up than you know about...just because it looks one way on the outside doesn't mean it's really what it is.
Good luck!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 11:43:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 21:15:08 GMT
Wanting to? Not odd. However, if you are purposely trying to maintain a relationship then that would be odd. He likely needs time to deal with the fact that your DD broke up with him and your presence will only make it harder.
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Post by workingclassdog on Jan 22, 2019 21:23:09 GMT
When my DD and her 1st serious boyfriend broke up his mom and I went through a 'mourning' time. Neither one of us were ready for it. She loved my daughter as much as we loved him. So when it was over her and I would talk about how hard it was for US (not them) to move on. It was probably better for her and I to talk than to try to stay friends with the ex boyfriend. Eventually his mom and I just talked less frequently and got over it. They both moved on to other boyfriends/girlfriends. Mom and I stay 'in touch' over FB but we rarely talk now.
I don't think I would talk to any of her ex-boyfriends no matter how hard it is. Seems to be a little betrayal of the daughter. Unless she doesn't care but I think I would bow out.
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Marina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,505
Aug 12, 2014 23:32:21 GMT
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Post by Marina on Jan 22, 2019 21:23:10 GMT
It’s not odd to FEEL that way but you have to let go. Four years is a long time so I can imagine you thought they’d marry. But it’s her decision. Cry and let go.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Jan 22, 2019 21:45:34 GMT
I understand wanting to keep in contact, but it's really not appropriate.
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Post by gar on Jan 22, 2019 21:51:03 GMT
I understand wanting to keep in contact, but it's really not appropriate. Exactly.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 11:43:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 21:53:31 GMT
...after she has told him that she wants to "take a break"? They have been friends since high school and have dated seriously for the past four years. He's a great guy and everyone around here absolutely loves him! He's been such a part of the family for so many years...I can't just drop him as easily as my dd apparently can! lol.... He graduated college last spring and has been working full time now since summer. He works 12 hour days and has been doing training in Utah, Nebraska, and Houston. DD is still away at college (the same one he graduated from) and now finds him to be "boring". Seriously?!?!? He is working hard at building a career and saving money to get married! I get that they are in different phases of life right now....I just hope she does not regret her decision later and find out its too late to go back. Oh well...her life/her decision.... But back to my original question....is it odd to want to keep in contact with him? I'm not ready to just say so long. Its like losing a son! But he ISN"T a son. He is an ex boyfriend. IMO, it is a betrayal to your daughter to keep in contact with him. Also, IMO, it is not wise for parents to become friends with people their kids are dating. Let him go.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,012
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jan 22, 2019 21:55:28 GMT
Like others I agree it's not odd to want to keep a nice person in your life but no, if I was in your shoes I won't do it.
If I was your dd I'd be really uncomfortable to come home with any new boyfriend and find old boyfriend having coffee with my Mum.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 22, 2019 22:00:08 GMT
Just don’t. My BFF’s DD was in a longtime relationship with someone she ultimately got engaged to, and while they were actively planning the wedding she decided he wasn’t the one for her. BFF and her DH (not DD’s dad) continued to have a FB friendship with the ex and it really didn’t end well. DD has been married to a different guy for a few years now and is still salty about the fact that her mom and stepdad didn’t cut the ex loose when she did, she kind of felt like they were choosing friendship with him over their relationship with her. (They have since cut any remaining friendship ties, but the damage has been done.)
Since you are also friends with his mom I wouldn’t go out of my way to avoid him and would continue to be polite when you see him but I also wouldn’t go out of my way to stay in contact with him either IYKWIM.
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Post by AussieMeg on Jan 22, 2019 22:08:26 GMT
My 21yo DD and her boyfriend have been together for about 5 years and I would be sad if they broke up. He’s such a wonderful guy and they are great together. I know that I would have a hard time severing all contact immediately. If it was my daughter’s choice to end it and if she was okay with it, I would keep in contact for sure. If my daughter didn’t want me to keep up any kind of contact then I would respect her wishes, after saying my farewell to him. If HE was the one to break it off and hurt my baby in the process, then see ya later boy!
ETA: By “keeping in contact” I mean the odd comment or message on Facebook, or birthday text, NOT catch up for coffee or anything like that.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 11:43:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 22:09:58 GMT
Like others I agree it's not odd to want to keep a nice person in your life but no, if I was in your shoes I won't do it. If I was your dd I'd be really uncomfortable to come home with any new boyfriend and find old boyfriend having coffee with my Mum. Not only would I be uncomfortable with coming home to find old boyfriend having coffee with mom I would wonder what of my current life she has been discussing with him that I might not want him privy too. WAY to easy for mom to gossip about me to a listening ear.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jan 22, 2019 22:24:58 GMT
I'm facebook friends with my youngest son's ex gf. They dated a couple years. I really thought she would be the one. I didn't take it very well (well, I didn't say anything to my son or her, but I was really sad about it)
They are both married now, she has 2 children. I dearly love my DIL and SHE was the right one. My son is not upset at me and neither is my DIL. I like seeing how she's doing and her little boys. She follows my photography and artwork. She has the right husband now - he was a catch! (he's a cute red-headed state trooper).
I don't see a problem with it if you were facebook friends just so you can see how he's doing. I wouldn't go have lunch with him (right away anyway).
A good friend of mine was one of my former brides. They cancelled the wedding about 2 weeks before. The groom's mom and the former bride are friends too. Groom's mom is also one of my friends. (it's weird lol). They get along great and the mom thinks of the friend as another DIL. Now, former bride and former groom don't hang, but I doubt either would want to.
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Post by papersilly on Jan 22, 2019 22:29:55 GMT
we all miss the kids' ex-BFs and GFs . but contacting them? yes, odd. almost creepy.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,885
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 22, 2019 22:35:24 GMT
If you do, keep it between the two of you, but even with that, I say don't do it.
My mom always had boyfriends of ours (I have 2 sisters) who she liked more than we did. And then she'd stay in touch with them and try to insinuate them back into our lives. It was awful and uncomfortable and cruel to the boys. I'm not saying you would do that but you certainly feel like he's a keeper and your daughter doesn't. Or she just isn't there. And if she lives to regret it, she lives to regret it. (as my mother told me when I dumped Tom for Jerry: "Jerry will be working under Tom's Mercedes one day.") Yup. That's the effed up message my mom would send. (Jerry ended up a well regarded NYC detective and Tom worked for a non-profit, so there's that.) It's your daughter's mistake to make.
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Post by Really Red on Jan 22, 2019 22:52:21 GMT
I hate when my kids break up with people!! I am often friends with their parents and I've fallen in love with them, too! It is SO SPANKING HARD!!!
The short answer is no. No, you cannot. It just sucks.
You can be friendly when/if you see him, but you can't be his friend. I'm sorry.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,407
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on Jan 22, 2019 22:54:32 GMT
I understand wanting to keep in contact, but it's really not appropriate. Agreed. Respect your DD and just don’t...
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 11:43:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 22:56:00 GMT
I think it's fine to stay in contact in a not over-the-top way if it feels right. Just be careful that it isn't an "in" for him to try to get her back. And check in with your DD and get her take on it (maybe at a later point when they have processed the break-up a bit). One of my DD's has an ex that we casually stay in contact with, both him and his family. Mostly just social media and even though I haven't seen his mom lately, she would be all hugs if we saw her. And DD and this ex seemed to have managed to stay friends and in contact, although DD did opt to limit seeing him in-person. For most of the ex's, though...we have wished a few well or just cut-off communication. I had to block one on snapchat, that seemed to be the only way I could get rid of him on there Isn't it hard when you get to know them so well and they feel like part of the family? We know someone that has had one of their son's GF living with them for the school year due to her cruddy home situation. I wonder how that would go if they decided to break up (they are HS seniors).
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 22, 2019 23:05:23 GMT
I wouldn't do it and I haven't. I also think it's odd to be friends with the parents of the person your child dating. That seems like you are just setting yourself up for crossing the line with your kid.
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lurkyloo
Full Member
Posts: 284
Dec 5, 2018 6:53:08 GMT
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Post by lurkyloo on Jan 22, 2019 23:06:04 GMT
Ugh...when I met my (now ex) husband, I walked into this situation of his ex high school girlfriend being “like a daughter” to his mom. Pictures of her all over the house, I had to share birthday cakes with her, she was invited to every freaking family thing because “they broke up, but WE didn’t break up!” Obviously I was compared to her, either silently or out loud. I dealt with that for about a decade before I finally said no more. I figured if mil wanted to think of me as petty and selfish because I couldn’t get past their beautiful friendship to have her there every thanksgiving and Christmas, then so be it.
It finally blew up the year she invited us for Christmas (little kids and a 7 hour drive) and after we accepted, she said ex girlfriend and her husband and kids will be there, too, and won’t it be such FUN to all be in the house together!! She was mad as a hatter. We canceled our attendance, which forced her hand to choose between us. I’m still not sorry.
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Post by catmom on Jan 22, 2019 23:52:48 GMT
My mother did that when I broke up with my boyfriend in university. Super awkward and uncomfortable and it really felt like a betrayal and not backing my choices.
Also, I will reiterate the previous poster that your daughter may have reasons for breaking up that you aren’t aware of.
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Post by tentoes on Jan 23, 2019 0:39:27 GMT
My son and ddil are friends with their son's girlfriends family. They all go to the same church together. I don't think that is odd at all. If they broke up, I think the parents would remain friends, not sure about the girl with my son and ddil--but I wouldn't think anything of it. Their daughter, however, was going with a boy from their church. It didn't end well, the parents are no longer friends. The boy's parents quit coming to the church after the pair broke up. (not sure it had to do with the break up, it may have been because of the mother's health--or lack thereof.) They weren't great friends when the kids were going together, though.
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Post by kernriver on Jan 23, 2019 0:49:06 GMT
If you broke up with a boyfriend but your daughter decided to maintain a relationship with him, would you be comfortable that that?
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marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,282
Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
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Post by marimoose on Jan 23, 2019 0:54:08 GMT
My 21yo DD and her boyfriend have been together for about 5 years and I would be sad if they broke up. He’s such a wonderful guy and they are great together. I know that I would have a hard time severing all contact immediately. If it was my daughter’s choice to end it and if she was okay with it, I would keep in contact for sure. If my daughter didn’t want me to keep up any kind of contact then I would respect her wishes, after saying my farewell to him. If HE was the one to break it off and hurt my baby in the process, then see ya later boy! ETA: By “keeping in contact” I mean the odd comment or message on Facebook, or birthday text, NOT catch up for coffee or anything like that. I agree. I think it depends on the situation. My daughter broke up with her boyfriend after 6 years and this young man is like a son to me. Heck he was along for more activities than my own sons, their choice on many of them. We did/do remain in contact by text, not often but enough to check in occasionally. He knows he can ask for help if he ever needs it. We did not speak of my daughter, she was off limits. She also knew that we spoke and was not bothered, at least not often, sometimes she was cranky and he was the target. We always wished each other a happy birthday or seasonal greeting as we always did and still do. He had a gf for a short time and I knew about her. I was happy for him. My daughter and he are back to a comfortable place where they are best friends who hang out a few times a month, texting often. He has been part of my family for over 8 years. Everyone's situation is different.
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