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Post by Bridget in MD on Jan 29, 2019 2:41:50 GMT
My son is 13 and in his 2nd year of Confirmation (we are Lutheran). The church has changed its program from since I was a kid, even to when my daughter went through it 2 years ago (it was a 1 yr program and now its 2). The church requires the kids to go on an overnight retreat. There are 6 kids in his class, and he's the only boy. Last year when they went on the retreat, there was another boy and they shared a room with twin beds. (The boy has moved away.) The girls shared rooms with twin beds. There was a male and female teacher (not related). But this year, there are enough kids for a 6th grade class, and while both classes were supposed to go on retreat on the same weekend, the 6th grade class had more conflicts so they go the following weekend. This year, they are staying somewhere else and the Pastor texted me tonight asking if we have base access (it's on a military rec facility). I said yes, my husband and I both do, but we were waiting to hear what the sleeping arrangements are, and that we would be happy to bring DS home and back on Sat morning. The pastor responded "I'll let you know what the plan is." Tonight, he texted me the plan. The confirmation teacher and her husband are chaperoning the retreat, and spending the night. They will share a room. Two girls will share a room with a king sized bed. There are 3 other rooms with queen beds, and a common room with a pull out sofa. The other 4 kids will be dispersed btwn the 3 beds and the couch. So, my kids are both in Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts, and as a GS leader and involved with BS, I know the practice is that two related (by marriage or by blood) adults cannot be the only 2 chaperones. There has to be a 3rd unrelated adult present. I'm not trying to rock the boat. I know the married couple since I was a kid attending the same church. They are fine people. But the kids are not familiar with the husband at all. Bottom line is - I'm not comfortable with this arrangement. I think it's just asking for trouble. I think I need to be strong and tell the Pastor I'll just bring DS home late Friday and back early Saturday. It's only 20 min away from our house. I just know the other parents are going to think I am over the top...
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Jan 29, 2019 2:43:54 GMT
You need to do what feels right for you and your family.
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Post by myshelly on Jan 29, 2019 2:45:57 GMT
My child would not go on that retreat.
Trust your instinct.
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 29, 2019 2:47:46 GMT
I think in most cases I think parents are being over the top. I do get how this could be extremely uncomfortable for your son though. I'd talk to the pastor.
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ModChick
Drama Llama
True North Strong and Free
Posts: 5,078
Jun 26, 2014 23:57:06 GMT
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Post by ModChick on Jan 29, 2019 2:51:11 GMT
My child would not go on that retreat. Trust your instinct. Trust your gut! You’re close by, I’d do the pick up and drop back off next day like you mentioned.
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Post by Really Red on Jan 29, 2019 2:56:13 GMT
Nope. I wouldn't send him.
I still have fond memories of my super calm, super easy-going, nothing-ever-bothers-me kiddo calling me at midnight from her confirmation retreat telling me that I had to come and get her RIGHT THAT MINUTE (it was 3.5 hours away, over mountains!). She was about 15 I think. At the same time, her best friend was calling her mom. Her best friend was even calmer than my kid. The least drama kids you've ever seen. I spoke with the other mom and we were just floored. It was so out of the ordinary for these girls that we were tempted to go. If it weren't for the mountains, I might have gone. Instead, I told them to wait the night and call in the morning and by then they were calm. There were just some super religious kids (it was a retreat for the entire state) and they did sound a bit scary.
But I absolutely wouldn't send your kid if you are in any way wary. Not worth it.
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Post by LisaDV on Jan 29, 2019 3:00:09 GMT
It would really depend on whether I know the married couple and am comfortable with the supervisory skills and them. I can think of one couple at my church that I'd be like, ok. But most of the others, not so much. My DH would probably say stop helicopter parenting since I went to retreats and had NO supervision, plus he thinks it builds character. Luckily DS hasn't had to attend retreats as a requirement. But DH did want him to voluntarily go to the one offered (another state). I'd talk to the pastor first.
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Post by pierkiss on Jan 29, 2019 3:01:18 GMT
So your son would just be sleeping in whatever bed/sofa that’s available to him in the house while both chaperones are off sleeping together in a seperate bedroom? Where they can’t see what’s going on?
Lol nope. I would pick him up and drop him off.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jan 29, 2019 3:02:26 GMT
Nope. I wouldn't send him. I still have fond memories of my super calm, super easy-going, nothing-ever-bothers-me kiddo calling me at midnight from her confirmation retreat telling me that I had to come and get her RIGHT THAT MINUTE (it was 3.5 hours away, over mountains!). She was about 15 I think. At the same time, her best friend was calling her mom. Her best friend was even calmer than my kid. The least drama kids you've ever seen. I spoke with the other mom and we were just floored. It was so out of the ordinary for these girls that we were tempted to go. If it weren't for the mountains, I might have gone. Instead, I told them to wait the night and call in the morning and by then they were calm. There were just some super religious kids (it was a retreat for the entire state) and they did sound a bit scary. But I absolutely wouldn't send your kid if you are in any way wary. Not worth it. I wish my son had a buddy in the class. The girls are fine, the adults are fine. But this isn't something he wants to do, it's not optional - the purpose of this retreat is part lesson study and part brainstorming for a project every confirmand completes at the end of class. My son already has a project in mind tho, and since he went on retreat last year, I don't really see the point again, but... I'm the only one who ever questions or confronts the pastor on the class (he unfortunately has a case of the Scope creep and constantly adds to the kids' schedules, until i finally drew the line). so he's just going to think "there goes Bridget squwaking about this class again..." LOL I'm sure...
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jan 29, 2019 3:04:06 GMT
So your son would just be sleeping in whatever bed/sofa that’s available to him in the house while both chaperones are off sleeping together in a seperate bedroom? Where they can’t see what’s going on? Lol nope. I would pick him up and drop him off. yep, correct.
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camcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,110
Jun 26, 2014 3:41:19 GMT
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Post by camcas on Jan 29, 2019 3:05:40 GMT
Squawk away...your son only has you to advocate for him......trust your instinct
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Post by flanz on Jan 29, 2019 3:08:15 GMT
I am also in the trust your gut camp and don't have him stay the night.
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Post by mom on Jan 29, 2019 3:20:16 GMT
I am with everyone else Trust your gut.
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Post by Outspoken on Jan 29, 2019 3:24:37 GMT
Can you go? If not, neither would my child.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 29, 2019 3:38:11 GMT
On pea parenting threads I tend to fall in the more lenient category, but this makes me uncomfortable too.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,091
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Jan 29, 2019 3:41:45 GMT
I would ask my son what he wants to do and how he feels about it.
What is the source of your concern about this man?
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jan 29, 2019 3:52:42 GMT
I would ask my son what he wants to do and how he feels about it. What is the source of your concern about this man? My main discomfort is that it’s a married couple. The kids know their teacher but I’m not even sure they’ve met her husband. I grew up in this church so I know who he is but I don’t know him myself. If anything were to happen -which I’m sure it won’t - it’s a child’s voice against a married couple. Maybe I’m too deep into youth protection and scouting, but it’s just a no-no. You have a third impartial adult if two of the chaperones are related. But that’s Scouting and this is not a Scouting event. I honestly wish the other male teacher was going on this retreat. The kids know him but they already have a room shortage so that’s probably another advantage on having the married couple.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jan 29, 2019 3:54:00 GMT
Can you go? If not, neither would my child. No parents don’t attend. And even if I wanted to - where would I sleep lol?
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Post by scrapmaven on Jan 29, 2019 4:32:25 GMT
Oh, this would not happen in my world. Adults need to supervise the kids and they should be separated by gender. Sorry folks, but hormones and lack of supervision lead to experimentation, peer pressure and some not-so-good things happening at a way-too-young age.
I would always go w/my gut when it comes to my kids. If something feels wrong to you then it's wrong.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,091
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Jan 29, 2019 4:46:43 GMT
I would ask my son what he wants to do and how he feels about it. What is the source of your concern about this man? My main discomfort is that it’s a married couple. The kids know their teacher but I’m not even sure they’ve met her husband. I grew up in this church so I know who he is but I don’t know him myself. If anything were to happen -which I’m sure it won’t - it’s a child’s voice against a married couple. Maybe I’m too deep into youth protection and scouting, but it’s just a no-no. You have a third impartial adult if two of the chaperones are related. But that’s Scouting and this is not a Scouting event. I honestly wish the other male teacher was going on this retreat. The kids know him but they already have a room shortage so that’s probably another advantage on having the married couple. I do think Boy Scouts has raised awareness. Something to think about: everyone knocks the Catholic Church, but they are the only church keeping track. There apparently is no data-gathering system in other denominations. No one is keeping track of Lutherans, Baptists or any others. If your gut is saying what if, listen to it.
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Post by idahopea on Jan 29, 2019 4:46:57 GMT
If I understand this correctly your ds will be sleeping on a sofa in a suite or room with 2 girls. Is that correct? I would be concerned that one of the girls might accuse your ds of something even if nothing happens. It could ruin his life forever so I would not be comfortable with that. That is just 1 scenario that could happen at that age with raging hormones. I'm shocked that the church would allow that set up!
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Jan 29, 2019 5:13:44 GMT
No, I wouldn't send him. Those rules were developed for a reason. And, I fall on the lenient side.
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Post by pierkiss on Jan 29, 2019 5:36:36 GMT
I would ask my son what he wants to do and how he feels about it. What is the source of your concern about this man? My main discomfort is that it’s a married couple. The kids know their teacher but I’m not even sure they’ve met her husband. I grew up in this church so I know who he is but I don’t know him myself. If anything were to happen -which I’m sure it won’t - it’s a child’s voice against a married couple. Maybe I’m too deep into youth protection and scouting, but it’s just a no-no. You have a third impartial adult if two of the chaperones are related. But that’s Scouting and this is not a Scouting event. I honestly wish the other male teacher was going on this retreat. The kids know him but they already have a room shortage so that’s probably another advantage on having the married couple. Does your church/school make your volunteers take a VIRTUS training (Protecting Gods Children) workshop before volunteering? If so, you can use that training to bring up the fact that this is not an appropriate arrangement. That it goes against those tenants of the course.
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,684
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
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Post by hannahruth on Jan 29, 2019 6:03:31 GMT
Go with your gut feeling.
When in doubt don't.
Your kid, your rules.
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Post by gillyp on Jan 29, 2019 8:50:05 GMT
Go with your gut feeling. The rules you mentioned are not only to protect the children but to protect the adults and if you are accused of squawking then point that out. I know the rules relate to a different organisation but they are there for a reason.
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snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,285
Location: Colorado
Apr 26, 2017 6:14:47 GMT
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Post by snyder on Jan 29, 2019 9:27:27 GMT
Does seem odd. What does your son have to say about it? I would discuss with pastor to clarify arrangements, but don't think I would have that much of a problem unless you don't trust the chaperones or your son. I would request that all bedroom doors to remain open at all times including the chaperones. Also, I see you mentioned he went last year, so unless you son wants to go, I would see about him being able to count last years for credit as to me the only real fair way is to grandfather rules, policies, curriculum etc, because I don't like changes in the middle of the course that throw me way off course. Should know the rules upfront.
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Post by Zee on Jan 29, 2019 9:48:10 GMT
If I was that suspicious of the adults I wouldn't have him in the group in the first place. I don't really get why these people are entrusted with your son at other times but the thought of him staying overnight fills everyone with a sense of dread and wrongdoing? I think the co-ed sleeping arrangements at that age are weird, but I'm not getting the "trust your instincts" posts. If my instincts were alarming at this arrangement, he wouldn't be going at all, ever.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 13:26:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2019 9:54:29 GMT
Ah yes because all those hormonally rampant teenage girls care about is ruining innocent boys lives! Stop with that bullshit, please.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 13:26:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2019 10:47:47 GMT
So, what are you afraid may happen? Seriously, be open here, because I truly do not get it.
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Why
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,168
Jun 26, 2014 4:03:09 GMT
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Post by Why on Jan 29, 2019 10:50:57 GMT
So, what are you afraid may happen? Seriously, be open here, because I truly do not get it. .................. Is your son older than the other kids? 13 seem to be older than I remember mine being in 6th grade.
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