Am I being overprotective?

Follow your instincts - if you are not comfortable with the arrangements be frank and honest about it and do what you think is best.

I wouldn't have an issue with the adult chaperones. I would be totally okay with my dd going overnight with her youth group leader and his wife. *BUT* I know both of them. (for argument's sake, I'm setting aside the fact that our church wouldn't allow just them to chaperone)

My issue would be the sleeping arrangements.

But teenage girls can be the worst. A a recent  camp 2 girls (13/14 - but both look 16 +  and dress very provaocatively) were 'shrieking and squealing' over all the boys, going up to them touching their bums and telling them they were hot, using very sexually provocative  behaviour(so much so that 3 boys approached the staff and asked to be moved from the group as they found the girls behaviour sexually inappropriate and intimidating and didn't know how to deal with it).  A 15 year old boy asked the younger girl if she wanted to go outside with him,.  She did and once outside he put his arm around here put his arm around her at which point she screamed blue murder and told him he couldn't do that because she was only 13!  She is now claiming she has PDST as a result.

The point I am trying to make is no these girls didn't plan to ruin "innocent boys lives" but this boy did nothing wrong and the girls behaviour got him into so much trouble.  He was suspended, there was an investigation, fortunately there were witnesses and  he was cleared, but regardless he's now the one with the reputation while she carries on as if nothing has happened.  So yes, it goes both ways and yes, there is a need for children of both sexes to be protected.

so no - I don't think you are being over protective at all

just to clarify, because I don't think I'm understanding correctly...

• you're saying the youth group is doing a retreat, and the only chaperones will be a married couple.
  
  
• you're ALSO saying that (from your previous experience) in Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts, THEIR rules are that if the two chaperones are a married couple, there also needs to be a third, unrelated chaperone.
  
  
• however, you are NOT saying that the 3rd person rule applies to this church youth group-- correct?  It's something you know about from other organizations, though, and that's why you're leery of the church group being chaperoned only by this married couple?

I just want to make sure people's outrage about 'rules not being followed' isn't misplaced.

What is the ACTUAL RULE from the CHURCH regarding chaperones for youth group overnights?  I don't think a married couple chaperoning would have caused anyone to bat an eye when I was in youth group in church, but that was in the 1980s.   I think the pastor and his wife were the chaperones for the events we attended, but I don't remember for sure.

If I were you I'd leave out any "feelings" when you text the pastor. Just say that you've decided to pick up your son on Friday night at XX time and that you'll bring him back on Saturday at XX time. He doesn't need an explanation. Your kid, your say-so.

Just tell him this fits your family plans better!

Not in relation to your scenario but I am just curious - here anyone working/volunteering with children or vulnerable adults has to be screened beforehand. There are checks into the persons background to see if there are any criminal convictions, reasons why they may not be allowed to work with children etc. Is that the case in the US?

I can't imagine the pastor would fight you on the overnight. They should be able to provide a schedule ahead of time, and you could offer to bring back donuts or something in the morning.

The chaperone situation isn't that big of a deal to me, but they aren't giving you the specifics on how the kids will be kept apart at night. With only one boy, it seems like there could be some pressure to join the "slumber party" (because even if there are enough beds, a group of 13 year old girls are going to turn this into a slumber party). I've also been through Girl Scout training, and I think some of the guidelines are over the top. They are set by the insurance company, when it comes down to it.

As a long term goal, I would talk with your pastor about the church's policies for kids/youth. All of our youth workers and volunteers go through training. Ours requires 2 adults, but I don't think it specifies unrelated. I know when youth retreats have been planned in the past, I ask who the female chaperone will be (I never word it as a question - I expect a male and a female chaperone).

From what I know about being a teenager in an overnight situation with other teens, it honestly didn’t matter whether the chaperones were married or not. Adults fall asleep, kids get up and into trouble.

No way in hell. This time you have to be that parent.

That part wouldn't even be on my radar. What would be is that there are so many separate bedrooms and the trouble that's likely to happen. Hell, when we had lock-ins at church or went on weekend retreats with youth group, we all slept in sleeping bags in the fellowship hall - including the chaperones. And even then... over the years, so many kids lost their virginity at church functions. And there was endless making out going on. 

I support you. I would not allow my child in that situation. But I'd also tell the pastor why. There needs to be another adult in this situation. And if your DS did stay overnight, he should be the one to have the bedroom alone with the queen. Although rules that I'm familiar with would say that there needs to be another male child present.

We are Catholic and I teach 7th grade Confirmation. I've gone through a 3 hour VIRTUS training class and then an hour long recertification yearly. I've also been a Girl Scout leader and DH is an Assistant Scoutmaster for Boy Scouts. And I've been a teacher. After all of that training, the 2 deep rule has been trained into us. In our weekly Confirmation classes, we are to have our classroom doors open until there are at least 2 students in the room. Students don't go anywhere alone. A husband and wife cannot teach the same class without a third adult. We use the bathroom in the sacristy, not the public bathrooms--those are only for the kids. The Catholic Church has done a 180 and takes youth protection VERY seriously.

Our Confirmation program is also a 2 year program and our kids go on retreat. But for youth protection, the kids don't stay overnight anymore. There are just too many mine fields to navigate and they are at the church from 8am to midnight. That's plenty of time to hold the retreat. Adults aren't always there with good intentions and neither are the kids.

It's not that abuse was more prevalent in the Catholic Church--it's that it was covered up for decades. (Well, centuries.) When the allegations of abuse started coming out, the sheer numbers reported were because victims over many decades were coming forward and the Church was covering for those priests/employees/volunteers that had actually been reported on at the time. Other churches need to look at this, be smart, and protect themselves.



Abuse happened because people thought this was ok. A married couple doing the Lord's work? Why would we question that? There is a 99.99% chance that it's all ok. That the husband will probably feel just as awkward because he doesn't know the kids. But I still feel that your church (or anyone working with children) needs to put those protection plans in place. For the sake of the kids, the church, the husband and wife team--for everyone.

Oh, well, that pretty well settles it, then.

No, I do not think you are being over the top. I think you are being a responsible parent.

Separating by sex is no guarantee of anything.