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Post by arizonastamplover on Apr 23, 2019 16:28:54 GMT
I'm having an internal conflict with myself. I last saw my grandmother in August. She was getting around fine, although using a walker. She has entered hospice care at this point, but there is no timeline of x days/months. She did just fall today, and is losing the will to live, and will be on a low dose morphine drip. I am honestly debating about going to see her or not. I did not when my grandfather was in this state because I wanted to remember him when he was well. Emotionally, it will be difficult to see her without totally breaking down and crying, so staying strong for my grandmother is likely not an option. I'm actually ok remembering her how she was in August, but I feel like a crappy person for not visiting. Should I go or not go? There would be no pressure from my family for my decision either way, as they all know how emotional I get, and how I can't control it (and just writing this has me crying). TIA |
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Post by christine58 on Apr 23, 2019 16:37:34 GMT
Can you call and just let her hear your voice??
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Post by nlwilkins on Apr 23, 2019 16:46:23 GMT
When I was in kind of the same situation (could not visit because loved one was in hospital and I had to stay away from all the germs) I sent a card EVERY SINGLE DAY. Mu husband went for me and took the cards. Between sending the husband and sending the cards, I felt OK with not being able to visit. Though when it was the last day, and we were told it was the last day, I went.
You have to do what you feel will work for you. Perhaps, being emotional is what your grandmother needs. A good cry sometimes clears the air. If you whole family knows how emotional you can get, surely your grandmother knows too. Perhaps you can ask another relative who is visiting her to feel her out on the idea of you coming and the fact that you would not be able to hold it all in. Maybe your grandmother would be OK with that. Or maybe she would say for you to stay home as she could not deal with it.
For me the important thing would be what would be good for grandmother and to know that I did everything I could do and thus not have regrets.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 23, 2019 16:56:10 GMT
You’re not going for you, you’re going for HER. Go. You won’t regret having that last chance to tell her what she has meant to you. My BFF’s mom was like a second mom to me. When she had cancer and the treatments to give her a bit more time resulted in her feeling physically bad, she lost her hair so she felt ugly, etc. so she kept saying she didn’t want any visitors. I kept asking anyway until finally she was ready. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew I was going to bawl. I went anyway. I am SO GLAD I did. I sat with her and held her hand and we talked. We talked about the adventures we’d gone on, all the places we had been, the fun times we’d had together. I gave her hugs, told her how much she meant to me, what a blessing she was in my life and to my family, and how much I loved her and yes I cried. A lot. She told me she loved me like a daughter and that she felt lucky to have me in her life too. I was able to go see her one more time when she was at the hospice home, and she passed a week later. I was so glad that she knew firsthand how much she was loved and how much I cared. You don’t have to be strong for her, you just have to be THERE.
You will still remember her the way she was before. When I think of BFF’s mom, I generally don’t remember her the way she was at the end. I remember her as the lively, funny, vibrant, thoughtful, lovely lady she was during her life, and that is how you will remember your grandma too.
Several of my sibling’s kids didn’t go see my mom in the last year before she passed away for the very reason you stated, they said they didn’t want to remember her “that way” so they never went once when she was in the nursing home. (These were girls in their late 20’s, so it’s not like we’re talking about little children.) Well, my mom passed away somewhat unexpectedly and then they never got the chance. Their loss, IMO. I have no regrets, I don’t know if they can say the same.
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Post by shamrock on Apr 23, 2019 16:58:48 GMT
My experience, for what its worth:
My grandmother was 102. She’d been in a memory care facility for 2 years. She hadn’t known me the last time I visited. She hadn’t been the grandmother I knew for a good 5 years. I last saw her late spring/early summer. She died late July. We knew it was coming, probably about a week out. I couldn’t bring myself to go see her. No pressure from family at all (hell, my cousins & 2 uncles hadn’t seen her in almost a year.) I’d said my goodbyes to her a few times over the previous years when she’d gotten bad, but had always recovered. She didn’t always know my dad and aunt in those last few weeks. I was at peace with my choice. Still am to this day. But honestly, it might have been different if she would have known me.
Wishing you peace.
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Post by christine58 on Apr 23, 2019 17:01:58 GMT
I was able to see my gram three days before she died. told her I loved her--would always love her. There were no words left unsaid. I remember her as the zesty,crazy dancing irish woman she was...
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 23, 2019 17:04:12 GMT
I can't imagine not going.  Of course it's going to be emotional, but I think crazy4scraps is right when she said it isn't for you, it's for your grandmother. One last chance for her to hear your voice and hold your hand. |
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MDscrapaholic
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Apr 23, 2019 17:08:21 GMT
My husband passed away between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Our house was usually full of people during that time, but since they knew he was on hospice at that point, some of his friends made a special effort to see him. I can tell you those visits were the highlight of his last days. We cried, we hugged, we told stories. I don't remember a lot because I was kinda walking around in a fog, but I know they really lifted my husband's spirits. They were very respectful of him and if he was tired, they left or came back at a different time. Not everyone came, but those that did - they were greatly appreciated.
It's actually up to you, OP. I don't think your grandmother is going to worry about you crying, I think she's going to be so excited to see you, that's all that will matter to her. You will be there to talk with her, hug her and tell her you love her. In the end, that's all we really have - time with our loved one.
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Deleted
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Jul 8, 2024 1:54:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2019 17:09:16 GMT
Can you call and just let her hear your voice?? I was going to suggest the same thing. You need to do what's best for you. If you're going to be a hot mess I don't think there is anything wrong with a phone call.
Some people just can't handle end-of-life issues.
I wish you well no matter what you decide.
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Deleted
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Jul 8, 2024 1:54:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2019 17:10:26 GMT
While it's nice remembering our loved ones the way they were, seeing them towards the end has more to do with saying our goodbyes and letting go. If you are feeling guilty, then go as the internal guilt you are feeling may continue to haunt you if you don't.
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SweetieBsMom
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Apr 23, 2019 17:13:35 GMT
You go for her. When my FIL passed, his daughter was "too busy" to visit and she will regret if for the rest of her life.
When my DH passed, his family (w sisters, a brother, and his mother) had every opportunity to come to the house and say goodbye. Only his brother came, the day before he passed. He said he'd never forgive himself if he didn't see him one more time. My DH was CRUSHED that no one else came to visit him. His mother is having a very difficult time, from what I'm told, because she didn't visit when she could and all I can think is "good". DH was devastated that no one visited him. DEVASTATED. But they were all too busy. Needless to say, I don't have any interaction with them whatsoever...other than his brother. If I never see/talk to any of them again it will be too soon.
Just go so you don't live with that regret, visit for her.
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Post by katlady on Apr 23, 2019 17:13:37 GMT
I would go to tell her one more time that I love her. I did with my grandfather and I know he heard me. It is hard, but I am so glad I went.
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Post by jubejubes on Apr 23, 2019 17:26:15 GMT
I'm having an internal conflict with myself. I last saw my grandmother in August. She was getting around fine, although using a walker. She has entered hospice care at this point, but there is no timeline of x days/months. She did just fall today, and is losing the will to live, and will be on a low dose morphine drip. I am honestly debating about going to see her or not. I did not when my grandfather was in this state because I wanted to remember him when he was well. Emotionally, it will be difficult to see her without totally breaking down and crying, so staying strong for my grandmother is likely not an option. I'm actually ok remembering her how she was in August, but I feel like a crappy person for not visiting. Should I go or not go? There would be no pressure from my family for my decision either way, as they all know how emotional I get, and how I can't control it (and just writing this has me crying). TIA If I were your grandmother, I would really wonder where my grandkids were. I would be thinking of all the times that I spent with them, kissing their boo-boos, watching them grow up. I was there to comfort them when they were young and having good fun and family times with them. And now that I am old, and dying, they are all about themselves. They don't want to remember me being so old and not looking so good, so therefore, I am now all alone, with no visitors. How selfish of them. What about my last memories about them - seeing them now all grown up. One day they (YOU) will be old and lonely. Wouldn't you want a visitor? Get over yourself, this isn't about you. If you love your grandmother, do the proper, LOVING thing and visit her, comfort her and be by her side. |
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Post by leslie132 on Apr 23, 2019 17:34:42 GMT
My father was at home when he was in his final days. It was hard. So very hard. My one sister could not handle it, but she made herself come. My dad passed while she was in the room. All of us other kids had stepped out...it is the hardest thing for my sister to handle, but she is glad she saw him and said her goodbyes.
Death is such a hard subject. You have to do what's best for you in this situation. I always ask myself if I will regret it years down the road. That answer is what steers my decision.
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gsquaredmom
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Post by gsquaredmom on Apr 23, 2019 17:37:29 GMT
I see helping family through their death experiences a part of what family does. Death is part of life. I know not everyone sees it this way or is equipped to handle it, and I don't find it easy or pleasant, but I do it. And I still remember the way they were before. Those memories are not replaced by those I form at death. It is my last act of support and love.
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Post by quinlove on Apr 23, 2019 18:02:18 GMT
This pretty much sums it up. Well said. |
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pilcas
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Post by pilcas on Apr 23, 2019 18:09:49 GMT
I'm having an internal conflict with myself. I last saw my grandmother in August. She was getting around fine, although using a walker. She has entered hospice care at this point, but there is no timeline of x days/months. She did just fall today, and is losing the will to live, and will be on a low dose morphine drip. I am honestly debating about going to see her or not. I did not when my grandfather was in this state because I wanted to remember him when he was well. Emotionally, it will be difficult to see her without totally breaking down and crying, so staying strong for my grandmother is likely not an option. I'm actually ok remembering her how she was in August, but I feel like a crappy person for not visiting. Should I go or not go? There would be no pressure from my family for my decision either way, as they all know how emotional I get, and how I can't control it (and just writing this has me crying). TIA If I were your grandmother, I would really wonder where my grandkids were. I would be thinking of all the times that I spent with them, kissing their boo-boos, watching them grow up. I was there to comfort them when they were young and having good fun and family times with them. And now that I am old, and dying, they are all about themselves. They don't want to remember me being so old and not looking so good, so therefore, I am now all alone, with no visitors. How selfish of them. What about my last memories about them - seeing them now all grown up. One day they (YOU) will be old and lonely. Wouldn't you want a visitor? Get over yourself, this isn't about you. If you love your grandmother, do the proper, LOVING thing and visit her, comfort her and be by her side. This. Assuming you had a good relationship with her it seems kind of selfish not to be there when she needs you the most. It would be somewhat different if she didn’t know you but if she is aware of things you should go. |
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Post by flanz on Apr 23, 2019 18:15:51 GMT
You go for her. When my FIL passed, his daughter was "too busy" to visit and she will regret if for the rest of her life. When my DH passed, his family (w sisters, a brother, and his mother) had every opportunity to come to the house and say goodbye. Only his brother came, the day before he passed. He said he'd never forgive himself if he didn't see him one more time. My DH was CRUSHED that no one else came to visit him. His mother is having a very difficult time, from what I'm told, because she didn't visit when she could and all I can think is "good". DH was devastated that no one visited him. DEVASTATED. But they were all too busy. Needless to say, I don't have any interaction with them whatsoever...other than his brother. If I never see/talk to any of them again it will be too soon. Just go so you don't live with that regret, visit for her. I'm so sorry. That must have been brutal for your dh and for you. (((HUGS))) |
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Post by malibou on Apr 23, 2019 18:20:59 GMT
My father died on Thanksgiving 2010. That summer I had gone to see him and help get paperwork and such in order for my step mom. I told my father at that time how much I loved him, how thankful I was for being his, etc. I also told him I would not be coming back to see him. He told me he was a okay with that as was my step mom. My siblings all waited until the end when he could no longer speak. My step mom tells me every time we speak how much my visit meant to my father and her and how he wished that the others had come when he could speak. He didn't want anyone seeing him on his death bed. I told my siblings his desires and they disregarded. They tried to make me feel shifty for not being there at the end. I know in my heart that I did what was best for him, my step mom, and myself. I have no regrets.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 23, 2019 18:21:04 GMT
I sat at my father’s bedside the entire night before he died. ( but he died when my sister was there the next day-we took turns ) Yes it was hard. However, I treasure that time I had with him. I treasure his last words to me. I had a picture of my holding his hand all night long. I do not regret it one single bit.
I did the same for my mother - less treasuring, but I felt it was the right thing to do. My mother didn’t want us there & told us so. Point blank I don’t want you I only want Jane doe. She only wanted her health aid & her cat. Health aid could not be there 24x7 & cat couldn’t feed himself. I don’t regret it even though the cat bit me when I was doing the medicine we had to put on her lips. Im pretty sure the cat thought I was hurting her. I know she was loved & cared for & as comfortable as was possible.
I think I would regret it if I had not gone.
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Post by flanz on Apr 23, 2019 18:22:54 GMT
I see helping family through their death experiences a part of what family does. Death is part of life. I know not everyone sees it this way or is equipped to handle it, and I don't find it easy or pleasant, but I do it. And I still remember the way they were before. Those memories are not replaced by those I form at death. It is my last act of support and love. Same here. My dear FIL was dying of cancer and we got the call that his time was near. DD was home from college on spring break and the day of her 20th birthday she and I spent on three planes and bus getting there to say our goodbyes. Her beloved grandpa looked like a shell of himself, emaciated, he seemed like he was sleeping. We got there at about 9 pm and joined a huddle of dd's cousins (his other local grandkids) and some of his children, dd's aunts and uncles. DD and her cousins cried together and took turns holding grandpa's hand and telling him they loved him. I held his hand and talked to him for along while, going on the assumption/hope that the could hear us, and shared with him so very many things I appreciated about him, and things he had done for our family. At about 1 a.m. in-laws and grandkids left the room to go to a lounge down the hall, and he died with 3 of his children with him. my dh couldn't leave when we did and arrived a few hours too late... When I think of dear FIL, I don't see the emaciated man he was at the end. I picture him frying up mountains of potato pancakes every Friday night, building giant snowmen in the yard for his grandkids to enjoy, making and smoking his homemade Polish sausage, his smile and laugh... I am so very glad that we raced to his bedside. |
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mvavw
Full Member
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Jun 25, 2014 20:21:43 GMT
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Post by mvavw on Apr 23, 2019 18:27:21 GMT
I see helping family through their death experiences a part of what family does. Death is part of life. I know not everyone sees it this way or is equipped to handle it, and I don't find it easy or pleasant, but I do it. And I still remember the way they were before. Those memories are not replaced by those I form at death. It is my last act of support and love. my grandmother died earlier this month. She waited to go until she said goodbye to all of her grandchildren. She was 99 years old, but healthy and active up until just before she died. While the last time I saw her she was in bed and very weak, I also saw her strength, will and all of her love for all of us. That will be my last memory, love. Honestly, when I think of her, my mind always goes to the fun times. I'm sorry your grandmother isn't doing well. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers . Maria |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2019 18:30:07 GMT
Please go. Tears are necessary and expected in this situation, no one will judge you or think you weak for showing emotion.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 23, 2019 19:06:20 GMT
There's nothing wrong with tears. I truly do not understand why people try and avoid the hard parts of life because they might cry. Who cares if you break down? I am in the "we show up during the tough times not just the fun ones" camp. And while I agree with previous posters that it's important to be there for your grandmother, I would say it's just if not more important to be there for your family. It's the time to support each other - to come together and laugh and yes cry, but know that when life is tough - you're there for each other.
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moodyblue
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Post by moodyblue on Apr 23, 2019 19:13:19 GMT
There's nothing wrong with tears. I truly do not understand why people try and avoid the hard parts of life because they might cry. Who cares if you break down? I am in the "we show up during the tough times not just the fun ones" camp. And while I agree with previous posters that it's important to be there for your grandmother, I would say it's just if not more important to be there for your family. It's the time to support each other - to come together and laugh and yes cry, but know that when life is tough - you're there for each other. This. So much this. Tears are normal at times like this. And while I’m usually very much in the “Do what is best for you" camp, there are times when you do what others need even if it’s hard. Everyone has to deal with death and loss and avoiding it because it’s hard and you might cry is selfish. The words and time spent together before the end are so precious - and you don’t get a second chance. |
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carhoch
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Post by carhoch on Apr 23, 2019 19:22:35 GMT
Is it about you or is it about her , that’s what you need to decide... but if you decide that it is indeed about her put your big girl pants on and go see grandma.
I know I sound harsh but you make it seems like it’s all about you when she’s the one dying .
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Post by PenandInk on Apr 23, 2019 19:25:36 GMT
One of the hardest things you’ll ever do. I don’t think you’ll regret going, but you will always wonder “what if I had gone?”
Honestly, if I were at the end of my days, and my child or grandchild came and cried in front of me, I would be so comforted that I obviously meant something to that person. That my life had meaning and I wouldn’t be forgotten. I know not everyone feels that way, but that’s my outlook.
My dad died very suddenly and the fact that I could not say goodbyes still gives me great pain. I kissed him on the head the last time I saw him (he was not a huggy kissy guy so it was rare) and that memory holds me up.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Apr 23, 2019 19:27:49 GMT
You won't see her well, but she'll see YOU well.
It's not about you.
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Post by pierkiss on Apr 23, 2019 19:32:17 GMT
It is a big regret of mine that I didn’t get to have a final goodbye with my last grandparent. I had just moved to FL for school and had just started working when my grandma had her stroke and heart attack. There was no way for me to get from FL to MD in time (there was only like a week and a half and I was a very broke grad student). I am very sad that I didn’t get to say goodbye in person. My parents went. My mom called me after the last time they saw her and told me that they said goodbye to her for my brother and I, and that we loved her. And that’s good. And it was enough. But man I wish I could have done it myself.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Apr 23, 2019 19:40:23 GMT
I also couldn't imagine not going.
My grandmother was a very very strong willed and healthy lady. Then she got old. She remained strong willed and pretty dang healthy. Lived in her own home, drove, and remained sharp as a tack.
Then, all that changed. The first time we noticed something was wrong was when she needed to buy a car, and refused to do so until my uncle went with her to sign the paperwork. Weird.
Then her health declined. She moved into assisted living (loved it!) And she was there a short short time until she started having some significant health issues. I won't get into it. But OP, you said will to live? That's the best way I can describe it.
I had planned a trip to go visit in the near future, since I lived 10 hours away, but my mom told me that I should go "sooner than later" because she wasn't well. And, I did. And, she wasn't. She was having terrible (mismanaged) shoulder pain and even dressing was horrible for her. She was always the put together lady. Hair and makeup, nails and dressed for breakfast. I only had an hour before "visiting hours closed" the night I arrived. She was wearing a nightgown, because putting on regular clothes, even with help, was too painful. The visit was bittersweet. We left, and I went straight to mall to find the most beautiful nightgowns I could. I found 3 and washed them at my sisters before going to lunch with her the next day. She dressed in the prettiest nightgown and looked beautiful. Went to lunch with my son, my cousin and I (in the dining room of her facility) and it was a nice visit, my son read her his newest conquest of a book. He was 5 and it was a Dr Seuss book. She smiled and smiled, but I noticed she wasn't eating. Not even drinking her coffee. I asked, and she said she didn't feel well, and shortly after, ended up being nauseous. She was taken back to her room to change into a clean gown, and the three of us waited outside her room. I heard her begging them to be careful (they were kind) and crying. It was heartbreaking. So very heartbreaking. We tried to finish our visit, but it was clear she was exhausted. We gave her all our love, hugged her gently and held on long.
The following week, I was planning to go back up, and leave after work. At lunch time on Friday my mom told me my grandma had been refusing to eat. She wanted to go, to join my grandfather. It had been a few days, and my uncle made the horrible decision (not the decision, but being the one to have to make it) to take her off the feeding pump, she didn't want that. I left work immediately. I picked up my son at daycare, and we pointed the car, and went. Not so much as a pair of underwear between us. I drove home as fast as I could, but didn't arrive til 9:30. Visiting hours ended at 9. I'd called and called and begged them to let me see her as I drove and the refused. I physically went there and begged through the call box. She was always a night owl, she didn't sleep anyway (mismanaged pain) please, just let me see her. NO. I went to my sisters 30 minutes away and we stayed up talking about Gram. My cousins red eye flight landed and she too went to my sisters house. We were drinking wine and telling grandma stories (very colorful lady!) when my Uncle called to tell use he'd gotten the call she'd passed.
I will forever regret not getting there in time. It was so very hard to see her that previous weekend, she was not at all who she used to be, but I wouldn't trade those moments of her smiling with my son, and my son has forever called that book the Grammy book. I don't think he really has any first hand memories of her, but there has been a beautiful picture of him kissing her cheek and her smiling with her eyes bright that afternoon in my living room and he knows he knew her.
In my mind, that last day has in no way changed the way I remember her. In fact, I think the gulf between the firecracker she was and the way her body failed her made it easier to say goodbye. To know it was time. To make peace with the fact that she'd had a good life and was ready to move on from the pain and the old body she'd grown into.
I wish the nursing home had let me in the night she passed, so I could hold her hand and she wouldn't have passed alone.
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