ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 24, 2019 23:16:50 GMT
** Edited: I wrote this in a tizzy and was not clear on some things. I apologize for that. I have cleared up a few things in my responses. Thank you to everyone who has read, read/responded. I want to clarify here that she is in counseling. She is starting with a new therapist but she's been in therapy for several years. **
I know how the Peas love an anonymous account. I've been a Pea for a long time, way before we became Refupeas. Don't hold this anonymous account against me, please. I need advice and am not going to air her issues to the world using my own name. This is really long and probably sometimes rambling. If you've got a bit of time...
The Facts
-18 yr old daughter - diagnosed w/ type 1 diabetes at 7 years old - introvert - raised Christian - began suffering from anxiety and depression - accidentally outed at 14 - father not ok w/ gay - mother ok w/ gay - used to be a straight A student, had high expectations for herself - father very hard on her RE grades - small group of close friends - sketchy school attendance due to not feeling well - began suffering panic attacks concerning school, refused to attend - attended three week out-patient program - diagnosed with anxiety and depression - suicidal ideation (never attempted that I know of) - began regular counseling, began seeing a psychiatrist - began not taking care herself (diabetes wise) at 15/16 - dropped out of several activities (golf, archery, horseback riding) due to frequently feeling badly (mainly uncontrolled diabetes, also depression and anxiety) - diagnosed with ADD, began meds - changed to a much more flexible school for new environment - had to quit job because of not taking care of diabetes - does not have driver's license - now an atheist (went through much self hate due to the way Christianity was presented and accepting the fact that she was gay) - her therapist of two yrs changed positions in May, they were a great match, we're both sad about this - got into habit of lying to not face uncomfortable situations - I believe she still frequently lies ("yes, I walked the dog" "yes, I worked on my class" "yes, I checked my number") - no drug or alcohol use that we know of, don't suspect it - not walking/training dog unless forced to - feels trapped in our home, hates being here - leaves messes everywhere she goes, does not clean up after herself - highly resentful of her father who is not accepting of her being gay - frequently butts heads with father about politics, morality, etc - didn't graduate
I love this young woman beyond measure. I am proud of her - she is very smart, clever, funny, and talented. She cares so deeply for her friends and for animals. She has been through so much CRAP. It's not fair. We all know it's not fair, but it is what is it and we (she) has to deal with what she's been dealt. She's choosing not to deal right now, or just can't.
I know we need family counseling, she refuses - she doesn't want to open up in front of parents, particularly her father. She sees a therapist (will begin seeing a new one soon) and I was seeing a therapist. Father is not in counseling (he should be). There are so many other things at play here. I can't get into everything.
Her father immediately told her that he loves her when he found out she was gay, but pretty much shut down for two months afterwards. Barely spoke with her, stayed in his room... went into turtle mode, didn't want to talk about her being gay. When asked about homosexuality he says that gay people suffer from same sex attraction and that something happened to make her that way. He thinks acting on homosexual attraction is a sin and likens it to adultery. He can't answer her when she asks if he'll be at her wedding one day. A couple years after we found out she was gay she was so full of resentment toward her father (I don't blame her) that she spent two hours airing her grievances, told him she didn't want him involved in her life... "Don't ask me anything about my life." She is very stubborn and will not back down. She can pop an attitude quicker than anyone alive. They butt heads. She has developed such anxiety concerning him.
I've had to micro-manage her diabetes for a couple of years, which I know is not good for either one of us. I am generally a "you have to let them fail sometimes" parent, but failing here means she dies, so I can't be hands off concerning her diabetes. Even now with me on her, following her number when she uses her continuous glucose monitor, reminding her to do things, asking if she checked, if she pre-bolused, etc. her numbers are usually high, or bouncing between high and low. She'll eat without checking, not bolus for food, eat when she's high, let her pump run out of insulin, she'll go low and eat half the kitchen and not bolus later so she end up going high again, etc. How she takes care of herself is reflected in EVERYTHING else in her life. Her life is a disaster right now.
She is taking an independent studies class to fulfill one of her two remaining graduation requirements. Other than that she's asked to do very little. She needs to walk her dog once a day at least. She needs to train him four times a day (10 minute sessions), needs to mow the lawn every other week, and usually has one household chore a day (unload/load dish washer, gather and take out trash, pick up dog poop, etc.). She knits, plays musical instruments, writes, texts/Skypes with her girlfriend (who her father doesn't know about), and watches videos/listens to podcasts. She's very much a SJW and is very politically minded. And she sleeps. A lot. Actually, I think she stays up really late and then sleeps late to avoid us.
When the school year ended, we made it clear that she would be given more freedom, but that she will have responsibilities that had to be taken care of before she leaves the house. It's a struggle almost every day. Most of the time she doesn't feel good, she forgets to do whatever she's supposed to do, she does her chores - but does a half ass job. She is moody, difficult, rude, removed and defensive.
She and I have had a good relationship until about four months ago, but lately things have just gone to shit. One of the main issues is that now she's just flat out ignoring me. She sometimes leaves when she's been told she can't leave until chores are done. She's told she has to be back by a certain time (to do something) and she texts to say she won't be home by that time. Most of the time these delays are due to friend issues... "I can't leave my friends. My friend's need me." Other times she says she just can't be in the house.
Example: Yesterday she was supposed to load/unload the dishwasher and walk her dog - might have taken 30 minutes. I woke her up at 12:30pm and told her what she had to do. She was upset because a friend of hers was having a birthday party and she was supposed to be there at noon. She hadn't mentioned this to me. I told her she could go once she walked her dog and did the dishes. She didn't feel good because her number had been high, so she kept asking if she could go and then do the things afterward. I agreed that if she would be home by 7:00 that she could go, but that she had to finish her chores when she got home. She texted and told me she wasn't going to be home at 7:00. Then she texted and told me she wasn't going to come home, that she was going to stay at her friend's house. This morning she told me she'd be home at 1:30pm. Then she texted me and told me that she wanted to stay at her friend's house again. I told her no. She has responsibilities and commitments, and a doctor's appt tomorrow that I wasn't going to risk her missing. She ignored me for a while and when I pressed via text for a response, she responded, "I'll be home tonight, mother."
I think she frequently feels badly about how she behaves but nothing changes.
I know she needs to be on her own. She needs her license. She needs a job, she needs to live her own life. She has a plan to do all these things... problem is she still won't take care of herself/her diabetes. I've explained to her that nothing is going to fall into place until she takes care herself. She knows this, but she can't do it, not now. She says it's a lot, that it's too hard. She wants to move out so badly and she knows that it's not going to happen until she can take care of herself (she can't hold down a job if she's not managing her diabetes). But she won't/can't do it. I think her meds need adjusting. I think she needs to not be so absolute with her father. She's not going to give him a chance to change their relationship. She needs exercise. She needs good sleep.
There are so many things running through my mind. I know I don't always handle things correctly. I know I get my feelings hurt and I sometimes say the wrong things. I really am trying to do what's best for her and often times I do screw it up. I'm just so sad that this is what it has come to with her. Sometimes I think she's trying to make me kick her out. I will not kick her out, won't do it. It's something she's feared (unrealistically) from her father for years and I won't do it.
I'm just at the end of my rope. Do I show up at her friend's house and cause a scene? Do I let her do whatever and end privileges at home? Cancel her phone plan? Take away her door? Force her into family counseling. Do I disengage and let her do whatever the hell she wants? I feel for her. I know it's tough living here with the emotional baggage she has from her relationship with her father. He's nothing but nice to her and patient with her now, but she isn't willing to budge an inch. She wants nothing to do with him and told him as much. She's developing anxiety with me now because I won't let her skirt her responsibilities without repercussions.
What say the Peas?
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,143
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Jun 24, 2019 23:24:18 GMT
I am sorry you are going through this. I have no advice but didn’t want to read and run. Continue with therapy. She needs to learn to love herself enough to care for herself.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Jun 24, 2019 23:33:33 GMT
I am so sorry. Continue to be supportive. When kids are acting out and making it hard to love them, is exactly when they need your love and support most. She needs to know you have her back. Continue to have expectations and hold her accountable, but also continue to be supportive.
I will be honest, I skimmed your long post, but that is my takeaway. If you can get her Dad to counseling that would be good.
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Post by melodyesch on Jun 24, 2019 23:33:39 GMT
I have no advice either but I’m sorry.
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Post by flanz on Jun 24, 2019 23:34:26 GMT
I am so very sorry. What a tough situation for your dd and for you. I don't have much sympathy for your dh, I'm afraid. I'm not sure it's possible for him to ever have a trusting, loving relationship with your/his dd again.
Dealing with diabetes alone is a huge thing for teens. I understand that hormones make it all that much harder. Being outed by someone at a young age and then rejected by her dad must hurt so very much. I'm sorry I don't have advice other than to please keep letting her know, via your words and actions, that you love her. I don't know if a tough love approach is the right thing to do, but I hope a good therapists (for you) would be able to help you determine your healthiest next steps. Sending you love and hope for a brighter future for your family. (((HUGS)))
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jun 24, 2019 23:37:28 GMT
At 18 she is an adult. She needs to know what ignoring her diabetes will destroy her body. Sugar out of control can also affect her whole system and life. That needs to be addressed. Who pays for her meds and supplies? She need to accept some responsibility at home. Tough, but she needs go for counseling, NOW!
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 24, 2019 23:44:27 GMT
I am sorry she is dealing with a medical issue on top of feeling so rejected by her dad.
If she isn’t working how does she get everywhere? Who pays for her cell phone? Why does she have a dog that she needs to train (is it for medical help? )
Right now there does not seem to be a reason for her to do things if she chooses not to. I am sure her issues with her dad color things, but that does not mean she lives there and only does what she wants.
Maybe she needs to start earning back some of the things she takes for granted. My son is almost 18 and we had a discussion today about expectations and consequences this summer. Right now he went to play basketball but first had to clean his room which I had asked him to do previously. He was irked at having to wait but got it done because we control the car keys.
I hope you can find a way to help her become more independent. And I agree with the above poster that your DH needs counseling as well.
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 24, 2019 23:51:04 GMT
She needs counseling and probably treated for counseling.
You probably need to back off and treat her as an adult. Stop micromanaging her. Don't facilitate her doing things (money or rides)
the man has basically said she is going to hell (sinner) and that he does not love her enough to be at her wedding and SHE is the one that needs to not be absolute.
He is probably the trigger for some of her behaviors. Is there a family member she could get away to for a couple of weeks to a month? The she could be away from his disapproval and your being overbearing (I'm think she probably feels that way)
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Post by hop2 on Jun 24, 2019 23:55:40 GMT
What I’m going to say will sound harsh but imagine I’m speaking in the rebellious point of view of a teenager.
Of course she feels trapped in your house she can not be herself. Your husband, who owns the home, won’t speak to her. & you stand by and allow it therefore appear complicit to her. How is she supposed to feel?
Why does she have a dog if she is not caring for it? Not fair to the dog
I wouldn’t have a suicidal teen mow a lawn, to me that’s asking for trouble ( I grew up mowing both lawns & fields so I’m not opposed to it generally )
If you told her she can’t leave before doing her chores then bent the rule ‘because’ she didn’t feel well, YOU’ve negated the rules, not her. Therefore it’s a free for all. She’s a teen, you have to be consistent & firm when parenting a teen because once they know they can crack you they’ll do it again & again. You’ve shown her that you won’t remain firm therefore any rule you have is ‘bendable’ to her. ( why is she going out when she doesn’t feel well? )
Honestly you have so much in that post I don’t know what to tell you going forward. I don’t know how you fix the situation that’s created. She was supposed to be safe, secure & loved in her home with her family but being given the silent treatment & ‘turtle mode’ Is not safe & secure & loved. So now it doesn’t feel like home.
Her father rejected her so she’s rejecting herself.
And don’t comeback & say she shouldn’t feel that way because you say you accepted her, you allowed the silent treatment of her for months so to her you didn’t really accept it.
And yes I know I have my own skeletons in my closet for how I ‘allowed’ my ex ass to act towards his children I’m working thru that with them. You can too, but you have to open up your mind and see it from her point of view first. Your going to have to visibly advocate for her when she is shut out. And, yes it’s a two way street & she is going to have to grow up a little bit.
But there’s too many issues in your post going on concurrently that I don’t know how I would proceed if I were you. I guess I’d work on her feeling more safe & secure at least with me, then I’d work on being firm.
Hugs, teen years are hard, when you get to the ‘other sude’ You’ll breathe a sigh of relief.
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Post by jemmls4 on Jun 24, 2019 23:55:51 GMT
I hav a child that is gay. We’re all good with it, but her dad sometimes would make ignorant remarks at beginning. Let me tell you it’s one of the few come to Jesus discussions that I’ve ever had and I laid down the law. He got it. I understand how you feel and how she must.
For the diabetes, that’s a hard one. You can’t just let it all hit bottom because as you said, it’s her life. Can you discuss with her doctor or yours? Is there some type of residential treatment facility that can tackle her mental health issues and at same time give her the structure to get her diabetes under control?
I don’t know how you can get her to do her chores, but I think if I were in your place, since she has no license, no rides to anywhere until chores/taking care of dog is done to YOUR satisfaction. Perhaps being the bad guy and doing this will force her to see what she’s doing. Life is sucking for you and yet she’s getting (mostly) what she wants.
As others said, getting dad in therapy would be so good. I find it so sad that parents can act like this about their children. She’s the same little girl he loved and supported before she came out.
My thoughts and best wishes for you, your daughter, and your family. Please keep us updated.
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Post by christine58 on Jun 25, 2019 0:05:13 GMT
Her father rejected her so she’s rejecting herself. BINGO plus she is clinically depressed IMHO. She needs help NOW...Your entire family needs help. I have a really bad feeling about this....really bad. I hope she is not suicidal.
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Post by birukitty on Jun 25, 2019 0:16:15 GMT
I don't think you should force her into family counseling. The person who should be forced into counseling is your husband! Your poor daughter. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for her to be so completely rejected from the person who is supposed to love her unconditionally-her father. I also don't think your daughter will be able to have a healthy relationship with him until he understands and realizes that gay people are born that way, just as he was born heterosexual. That it was nothing she did or that this is not how she chooses to be. She just is. Why does your husband prefer women? Who knows. He just does. He was wired that way. Same with your daughter. She isn't gay to provoke him, get back at him, or to go against his church. She was born gay. He needs to learn and accept this.
As to how to handle your daughter. I suggest totally against the tough love approach. That will do so much more harm right now. The loss of acceptance she feels from her father caused a huge loss in her. She is craving acceptance and love. This is where you as her mother comes in. Yes, of course discipline her. But let her know 100% that you love and support her over and over. Talk to her. Tell her you know how unhappy she is with her father. Tell her you will help her with her plans to move out because you know how unhappy and uncomfortable she is living at home with a father who doesn't support her as a gay young woman. Tell her that the first step to moving out is managing her diabetes so that she will be healthy enough to get a job, get a driver's license-all steps that will be necessary once she moves out to make the step of moving out work. Remind her you will help her every step of the way.
Take her out to lunch away from home to have this conversation. I know you don't want to go against your husband, but I think in this case if you want to help your daughter if it were me this is what I would do.
BTW, who's dog is it? Who wanted it and begged to have it? If your daughter did then yes, she should continue with the walking/training chores. If your husband did then I'd think about switching those chores to your husband. I would imagine if I were your daughter and I was having to train his dog and walk it I'd be building up a ton of resentment in myself.
Also I would consider loosening the reins a bit as far as her curfews. She's 18, not 13. Why would you even consider showing up at the friend's house? Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be for your daughter? I imagine she's staying away from home because she cannot bear to be under the same roof with a father who has totally rejected her. Even if he says he still loves her it's not nearly enough. Put yourself in her shoes. She's gay and he thinks she's an abomination. Saying she's not that it's only a sin if she acts on it is BS. It's still rejection by the one person who's supposed to love you regardless.
Last but most important help her manage her diabetes since you say she cannot do it. Get her to the doctors and if you need to find a new one for her do it. Go with her to the appointments, tell her you will help her manage it until she can do it herself. By showing by example she will learn, hopefully.
These are just my thoughts. I wish you the very best, and hope things improve for your daughter. I feel for her so much.
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Post by hop2 on Jun 25, 2019 0:21:47 GMT
BTW, who's dog is it? Who wanted it and begged to have it? If your daughter did then yes, she should continue with the walking/training chores. If your husband did then I'd think about switching those chores to your husband. I would imagine if I were your daughter and I was having to train his dog and walk it I'd be building up a ton of resentment in myself. Especially since he rejected her. It would feel like a penance
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slkmommy
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Jun 28, 2014 3:56:16 GMT
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Post by slkmommy on Jun 25, 2019 0:31:26 GMT
I am so sorry you are having such a struggle.
My niece was diagnosed with type 1 at 4 years old. It was a struggle from the start. At first a positive struggle she was engaged and wanted to help and be independent. She too, at around 15, started to rebel. She’d do the same exact things your daughter is doing. Her parents would beg her to self-care. She was extremely independent and moved out at around 20 with the same issues dogging her. After becoming so ill multiple times, dKa, she had to move back home.
Her story ended sadly, but she Bever completely handled her blood sugars, she was able to do her at home dialysis, after she lost her sight.
I hope you can find a peace. And a good diabetic mental counselor.
I tell you this because even though my niece couldn’t truly pull out of her dive, her medical team said that age 15 is definitely when issues surrounding the disease and the individual cause become evident
( I’m glad you are so supportive of her. I got the feeling my family was very hands off and now regrets it)
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 25, 2019 0:33:08 GMT
I am just going to drop this here. My father was an extremely difficult, explosive and violent man. I suspect he is bipolar as there is clearly a genetic component and I have it, as well as my brother and my children. Does he bear some responsibility for the damage in our family? Yes he does. But my mother? Well I think she bears the most. She stood right there and allowed mistreatment all the while whispering I love yous. It doesn't work that way. You don't get to stand beside someone mistreating your child and place the blame on anyone other than yourself. You are just as accountable. And I read your entire post. I have struggling children too. There are a lot of thoughts I could probably share with you but I can't get beyond the fact that you maligned your husband a million times in your post without even pausing to consider that you are continuing to stand right beside him while he mistreats your child. Your DD has my empathy.
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Post by mustlovecats on Jun 25, 2019 0:42:12 GMT
Are YOU in counseling? I don’t say that with judgment at all, counseling was the best thing I did for myself when I was dealing with a child’s mental health issue.
I have a sneaking suspicion you may be propping her up a little to make yourself feel better about her situation with her health and her dad, treating her a little gently, perhaps trying to be the good mom to make up for her dad not being ok. Maybe a little codependency going on there and you need some tools for it. I say that because I was there, I was trying to be good mom so my kid would want a relationship with me, it meant I wasn’t providing enough guidance or boundaries for my child, being too much friend and too little MOM. NO JUDGMENT. just a little gentle thought that perhaps something I experienced might be similar to what you’ve experienced.
Love to you mama, parenting is hard.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 0:53:35 GMT
Thank you all, so much. I haven't relayed some things very well. I will go through and respond to some comments and hopefully explain things a little better and clear somethings up.
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Post by myshelly on Jun 25, 2019 0:55:55 GMT
Your husband is an ass. He is awful to your daughter.
And you stay with him, thereby saying you’re ok with the way he treats her and what he’s doing to her.
I couldn’t be with someone who treated my child that way. I couldn’t let my child think I’m ok with someone who is supposed to love her treating her that way.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 0:57:59 GMT
At 18 she is an adult. She needs to know what ignoring her diabetes will destroy her body. Sugar out of control can also affect her whole system and life. That needs to be addressed. Who pays for her meds and supplies? She need to accept some responsibility at home. Tough, but she needs go for counseling, NOW! Thank you for your reply, revirdsuba99. She knows that ignoring her diabetes will destroy her body. She knows that out of control blood sugar levels affect everything in her life. Husband and I pay for her supplies, but who pays for her supplies is moot. I'm not going to use that as a bargaining chip. Accepting responsibility at home is a main point of this post. It is a huge issue. She is in counseling and has been for years. She is about to start with a new counselor, her previous one changed positions.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 25, 2019 0:58:05 GMT
hop2 said: And yes I know I have my own skeletons in my closet for how I ‘allowed’ my ex ass to act towards his children I’m working thru that with them. I have total respect for you. You own it. And I pray your children give you grace. I pray my children give me grace too. Hugs, my friend.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 1:00:10 GMT
I am sorry she is dealing with a medical issue on top of feeling so rejected by her dad. If she isn’t working how does she get everywhere? Who pays for her cell phone? Why does she have a dog that she needs to train (is it for medical help? ) Right now there does not seem to be a reason for her to do things if she chooses not to. I am sure her issues with her dad color things, but that does not mean she lives there and only does what she wants. Maybe she needs to start earning back some of the things she takes for granted. My son is almost 18 and we had a discussion today about expectations and consequences this summer. Right now he went to play basketball but first had to clean his room which I had asked him to do previously. He was irked at having to wait but got it done because we control the car keys. I hope you can find a way to help her become more independent. And I agree with the above poster that your DH needs counseling as well. Her friends give her rides. Husband and I pay for her phone. She has a dog as part of her therapy. Dh definitely needs counseling. Thank you, shescrafty.
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
SLPea
Posts: 4,366
Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Jun 25, 2019 1:09:43 GMT
This is a terrible situation for your dd, and I'm so sorry. I don't have any specific advice, but I agree with the thoughts/ideas that birukitty and freecharlie had to offer.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 1:11:34 GMT
She needs counseling and probably treated for counseling. You probably need to back off and treat her as an adult. Stop micromanaging her. Don't facilitate her doing things (money or rides) the man has basically said she is going to hell (sinner) and that he does not love her enough to be at her wedding and SHE is the one that needs to not be absolute. He is probably the trigger for some of her behaviors. Is there a family member she could get away to for a couple of weeks to a month? The she could be away from his disapproval and your being overbearing (I'm think she probably feels that way) Thank you for posting, freecharlie. She is in counseling. I'm not sure what you meant by treatment for counseling... depression? She is being treated for depression and anxiety. We're trying to treat her as an adult. The only micromanaging I am doing now is her diabetes, and even that isn't as much as it was. She has to be able to take care of herself. She earns very little money doing some extra jobs around the house. I don't give her rides or extra money, well rides if she has done what she was supposed to do. Her father said some awful things. The reason I said she is being so absolute is that he has told her that he is open to seeing things differently. He is examining why he feels the way he does. He is open and trying. He behaved very poorly at first, and has apologized for making her feel they way he has. I'm absolutely sure he is a trigger for some of her behaviors. Over time, his approach to her has changed. I know he's trying, at the same time, I don't blame her for being resentful, at all. She may be able to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks. We're talking about that. I probably am overbearing to her.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 1:21:26 GMT
What I’m going to say will sound harsh but imagine I’m speaking in the rebellious point of view of a teenager. Of course she feels trapped in your house she can not be herself. Your husband, who owns the home, won’t speak to her. & you stand by and allow it therefore appear complicit to her. How is she supposed to feel? Why does she have a dog if she is not caring for it? Not fair to the dog I wouldn’t have a suicidal teen mow a lawn, to me that’s asking for trouble ( I grew up mowing both lawns & fields so I’m not opposed to it generally ) If you told her she can’t leave before doing her chores then bent the rule ‘because’ she didn’t feel well, YOU’ve negated the rules, not her. Therefore it’s a free for all. She’s a teen, you have to be consistent & firm when parenting a teen because once they know they can crack you they’ll do it again & again. You’ve shown her that you won’t remain firm therefore any rule you have is ‘bendable’ to her. ( why is she going out when she doesn’t feel well? ) Honestly you have so much in that post I don’t know what to tell you going forward. I don’t know how you fix the situation that’s created. She was supposed to be safe, secure & loved in her home with her family but being given the silent treatment & ‘turtle mode’ Is not safe & secure & loved. So now it doesn’t feel like home. Her father rejected her so she’s rejecting herself. And don’t comeback & say she shouldn’t feel that way because you say you accepted her, you allowed the silent treatment of her for months so to her you didn’t really accept it. And yes I know I have my own skeletons in my closet for how I ‘allowed’ my ex ass to act towards his children I’m working thru that with them. You can too, but you have to open up your mind and see it from her point of view first. Your going to have to visibly advocate for her when she is shut out. And, yes it’s a two way street & she is going to have to grow up a little bit. But there’s too many issues in your post going on concurrently that I don’t know how I would proceed if I were you. I guess I’d work on her feeling more safe & secure at least with me, then I’d work on being firm. Hugs, teen years are hard, when you get to the ‘other sude’ You’ll breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you hop2. I apologize, there's been a bit of miscommunication on my part... her father does speak to her and has been for a long time. He's trying to foster a better relationship with her and exploring why he feels the way he does about her being gay. I am not going to come back and say "she shouldn't feel that way." I know full well that I made mistakes, and that she has the right to feel whatever she feels. She's entitled to be supremely pissed at him. Having said that, from day one I made it clear to her and him that his reaction was unacceptable. I stressed to him that he had to talk with her. He had to be ok with it and tell her he was ok with it. I have fought for her since day one. Did I divorce him because of this? No. Should I have, maybe. There is so much more going on that I'm trying not to bring into the conversation. So, I'll have to leave it at that. Thank you for your words and hugs. I can't wait to breathe that sigh of relief. I bet she's waiting for it even more than I am.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 1:29:39 GMT
I hav a child that is gay. We’re all good with it, but her dad sometimes would make ignorant remarks at beginning. Let me tell you it’s one of the few come to Jesus discussions that I’ve ever had and I laid down the law. He got it. I understand how you feel and how she must. For the diabetes, that’s a hard one. You can’t just let it all hit bottom because as you said, it’s her life. Can you discuss with her doctor or yours? Is there some type of residential treatment facility that can tackle her mental health issues and at same time give her the structure to get her diabetes under control? I don’t know how you can get her to do her chores, but I think if I were in your place, since she has no license, no rides to anywhere until chores/taking care of dog is done to YOUR satisfaction. Perhaps being the bad guy and doing this will force her to see what she’s doing. Life is sucking for you and yet she’s getting (mostly) what she wants. As others said, getting dad in therapy would be so good. I find it so sad that parents can act like this about their children. She’s the same little girl he loved and supported before she came out. My thoughts and best wishes for you, your daughter, and your family. Please keep us updated. It's been weird with her father. He said the I love you, he said that nothing could change that, then he didn't say anything about it. He was out of it for a few weeks, which was bad. He never said anything else without being questioned about it. When asked, he told me, or her, or both if us how he felt. I told him, and her, that I thought he was wrong and that he was damaging her. He didn't know what to do with it. That lack of talking said more than almost anything he could actually say. Like I've mentioned in other replies, he's at a place where he's trying now. It may be too late, though. I am looking into in-patient/residential treatment options. So much is riding on her being able to take care of herself. Thank you, jemmls4. I appreciate your input, especially coming from a mother to a gay child. I'm glad you come to Jesus worked. I'll try to keep the Peas updated.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 1:33:09 GMT
Her father rejected her so she’s rejecting herself. BINGO plus she is clinically depressed IMHO. She needs help NOW...Your entire family needs help. I have a really bad feeling about this....really bad. I hope she is not suicidal. christine58 - she dealt with suicidal ideation a couple of years ago, but with help from her therapist and psychiatrist she was able to move past it. I do not believe she is suicidal. Angry. Yes. Very angry, which is much better than suicidal. Of course, I can never know exactly what is going on in her head, so I'm keeping an eye out as much as I can. I agree that family counseling is important. I will have to push the issue with her.
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Post by elaine on Jun 25, 2019 1:34:44 GMT
I’m so sorry that you have so much on your plate with your daughter. Your worry and wanting to help her come across clearly. I wish I had the answers for you. It is overwhelming. If I could pick a place to start, I’d re-home the dog. It is just one thing, but a substantial one.
You say that the expectation is that she walk it once per day and train it 4 times per day. Yet she has no issue staying away from the house for over 24 hours at a time. So, obviously, it isn’t that important to her that she flakes on those things.
Having a dog is HARD work and a HUGE commitment, even for people who don’t have all the issues she does. You have unwittingly set her up to fail at one more relationship in her life. It sounds like she doesn’t keep her commitments to the dog more often than she meets them. And you have to nag her to try to keep them, which isn’t good for your relationship/is yet one more thing you have to nag about. I’m surprised her therapist thought this was a good idea.
Either have a family dog that you publicly take most of the responsibility for - because you evidently are the consistent one in the dog’s life - and have that be a gift that you give to her and the dog, or find the dog a home with an owner who is ready to have a dog. She isn’t ready for that level of commitment to another living being - she has to first commit to her own health. For some kids it might work the other way around - committing to a pet leads to being grounded and following through on other things - but for her, it isn’t working out and you all know it.
eta: (((Hugs)))
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 11:16:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2019 1:37:12 GMT
Well I told my retired son that he had one month to get off his ass and get into college or I would give him $1000 and drop him off at the nearest bridge. I then found him a job at the local Fred Meyer,in the deli.
It was the kick he needed
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Post by hop2 on Jun 25, 2019 1:46:36 GMT
What I’m going to say will sound harsh but imagine I’m speaking in the rebellious point of view of a teenager. Of course she feels trapped in your house she can not be herself. Your husband, who owns the home, won’t speak to her. & you stand by and allow it therefore appear complicit to her. How is she supposed to feel? Why does she have a dog if she is not caring for it? Not fair to the dog I wouldn’t have a suicidal teen mow a lawn, to me that’s asking for trouble ( I grew up mowing both lawns & fields so I’m not opposed to it generally ) If you told her she can’t leave before doing her chores then bent the rule ‘because’ she didn’t feel well, YOU’ve negated the rules, not her. Therefore it’s a free for all. She’s a teen, you have to be consistent & firm when parenting a teen because once they know they can crack you they’ll do it again & again. You’ve shown her that you won’t remain firm therefore any rule you have is ‘bendable’ to her. ( why is she going out when she doesn’t feel well? ) Honestly you have so much in that post I don’t know what to tell you going forward. I don’t know how you fix the situation that’s created. She was supposed to be safe, secure & loved in her home with her family but being given the silent treatment & ‘turtle mode’ Is not safe & secure & loved. So now it doesn’t feel like home. Her father rejected her so she’s rejecting herself. And don’t comeback & say she shouldn’t feel that way because you say you accepted her, you allowed the silent treatment of her for months so to her you didn’t really accept it. And yes I know I have my own skeletons in my closet for how I ‘allowed’ my ex ass to act towards his children I’m working thru that with them. You can too, but you have to open up your mind and see it from her point of view first. Your going to have to visibly advocate for her when she is shut out. And, yes it’s a two way street & she is going to have to grow up a little bit. But there’s too many issues in your post going on concurrently that I don’t know how I would proceed if I were you. I guess I’d work on her feeling more safe & secure at least with me, then I’d work on being firm. Hugs, teen years are hard, when you get to the ‘other sude’ You’ll breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you hop2. I apologize, there's been a bit of miscommunication on my part... her father does speak to her and has been for a long time. He's trying to foster a better relationship with her and exploring why he feels the way he does about her being gay. I am not going to come back and say "she shouldn't feel that way." I know full well that I made mistakes, and that she has the right to feel whatever she feels. She's entitled to be supremely pissed at him. Having said that, from day one I made it clear to her and him that his reaction was unacceptable. I stressed to him that he had to talk with her. He had to be ok with it and tell her he was ok with it. I have fought for her since day one. Did I divorce him because of this? No. Should I have, maybe. There is so much more going on that I'm trying not to bring into the conversation. So, I'll have to leave it at that. Thank you for your words and hugs. I can't wait to breathe that sigh of relief. I bet she's waiting for it even more than I am. I pray that you get there. The teen years are a rocky time even without the things your DD has to deal with. i hope counseling helps and you can sort it out. I am glad to hear your DD heard you advocate for her. Heck my head was whirling reading your post so i can imagine how hers and yours are living it.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 1:48:09 GMT
I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for her to be so completely rejected from the person who is supposed to love her unconditionally-her father. I also don't think your daughter will be able to have a healthy relationship with him until he understands and realizes that gay people are born that way, just as he was born heterosexual. That it was nothing she did or that this is not how she chooses to be. She just is. Why does your husband prefer women? Who knows. He just does. He was wired that way. Same with your daughter. She isn't gay to provoke him, get back at him, or to go against his church. She was born gay. He needs to learn and accept this. Yes, 100,000 times. I agree wholeheartedly, birukitty, and have explained this to him. I've asked him that exact question... why do you prefer women? I won't bother telling you his answer.As to how to handle your daughter. I suggest totally against the tough love approach. That will do so much more harm right now. The loss of acceptance she feels from her father caused a huge loss in her. She is craving acceptance and love. This is where you as her mother comes in. Yes, of course discipline her. But let her know 100% that you love and support her over and over. Talk to her. Tell her you know how unhappy she is with her father. Tell her you will help her with her plans to move out because you know how unhappy and uncomfortable she is living at home with a father who doesn't support her as a gay young woman. Tell her that the first step to moving out is managing her diabetes so that she will be healthy enough to get a job, get a driver's license-all steps that will be necessary once she moves out to make the step of moving out work. Remind her you will help her every step of the way. Thank you. I need to remember this, to show her love all the time. sometimes it is hard. I know she's hurting. I have to let go of myself sometimes and just prop her up. Take her out to lunch away from home to have this conversation. I know you don't want to go against your husband, but I think in this case if you want to help your daughter if it were me this is what I would do. I don't have an issue with going against my husband. We've gone head to toe over this multiple times over the years. But, you are right about trying to have a good conversation with her outside of this house.
BTW, who's dog is it? Who wanted it and begged to have it? If your daughter did then yes, she should continue with the walking/training chores. If your husband did then I'd think about switching those chores to your husband. I would imagine if I were your daughter and I was having to train his dog and walk it I'd be building up a ton of resentment in myself. It's 100% her dog. She wanted it, was recommended as part of her therapy and he has helped her tremendously, still does. She's just having a hard time right now taking care of him - so it's on me. She did great taking care of him for the first 18 months. Def not his dog. He took the "not going to try to stop you, but I don't want to have to do any of the work" approach. Also I would consider loosening the reins a bit as far as her curfews. She's 18, not 13. Why would you even consider showing up at the friend's house? Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be for your daughter? I imagine she's staying away from home because she cannot bear to be under the same roof with a father who has totally rejected her. Even if he says he still loves her it's not nearly enough. Put yourself in her shoes. She's gay and he thinks she's an abomination. Saying she's not that it's only a sin if she acts on it is BS. It's still rejection by the one person who's supposed to love you regardless. Asking if I should show up at her house was more a proclamation of desperation. I don't think I would have done that. I don't think she'd ever forgive me if I did. She does have a curfew, but only because her dog usually starts whining and being a butthead because he misses her. It's flexible though... so maybe it's not a curfew so much as I "your dog is driving me nuts, come home." Plus, her girlfriend does have a curfew of midnight, and she's usually her ride. I agree with everything you said at the end of this paragraph. He should love AND accept her.Last but most important help her manage her diabetes since you say she cannot do it. Get her to the doctors and if you need to find a new one for her do it. Go with her to the appointments, tell her you will help her manage it until she can do it herself. By showing by example she will learn, hopefully. This is what I'm doing. I'm trying to do it without annoying her so much. She actually has an appointment tomorrow. I'm half afraid she's going to ask that I not go in with her. These are just my thoughts. I wish you the very best, and hope things improve for your daughter. I feel for her so much. Thank you, birukitty - thank you for your input.
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