ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 1:49:52 GMT
BTW, who's dog is it? Who wanted it and begged to have it? If your daughter did then yes, she should continue with the walking/training chores. If your husband did then I'd think about switching those chores to your husband. I would imagine if I were your daughter and I was having to train his dog and walk it I'd be building up a ton of resentment in myself. Especially since he rejected her. It would feel like a penance hop2, not his dog - not at all. The dog is all hers. I wouldn't insist that she take care of his dog.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 1:52:29 GMT
I am so sorry you are having such a struggle. My niece was diagnosed with type 1 at 4 years old. It was a struggle from the start. At first a positive struggle she was engaged and wanted to help and be independent. She too, at around 15, started to rebel. She’d do the same exact things your daughter is doing. Her parents would beg her to self-care. She was extremely independent and moved out at around 20 with the same issues dogging her. After becoming so ill multiple times, dKa, she had to move back home. Her story ended sadly, but she Bever completely handled her blood sugars, she was able to do her at home dialysis, after she lost her sight. I hope you can find a peace. And a good diabetic mental counselor. I tell you this because even though my niece couldn’t truly pull out of her dive, her medical team said that age 15 is definitely when issues surrounding the disease and the individual cause become evident ( I’m glad you are so supportive of her. I got the feeling my family was very hands off and now regrets it) slkmommy - it's terrifying that she doesn't care for herself. I'm so sorry that you and your family had to go through such a hard time with your niece.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 1:57:38 GMT
I am just going to drop this here. My father was an extremely difficult, explosive and violent man. I suspect he is bipolar as there is clearly a genetic component and I have it, as well as my brother and my children. Does he bear some responsibility for the damage in our family? Yes he does. But my mother? Well I think she bears the most. She stood right there and allowed mistreatment all the while whispering I love yous. It doesn't work that way. You don't get to stand beside someone mistreating your child and place the blame on anyone other than yourself. You are just as accountable. And I read your entire post. I have struggling children too. There are a lot of thoughts I could probably share with you but I can't get beyond the fact that you maligned your husband a million times in your post without even pausing to consider that you are continuing to stand right beside him while he mistreats your child. Your DD has my empathy. jeremysgirl - I get where you're coming from, but I am not your mother. I did not and do not "allow mistreatment." I have made mistakes and have not always handled everything as I should have, but I have countered and fought him and for her the entire way. I am not standing right beside him and my daughter would tell you that, so would he. You don't know all of our story. I wish you and your children the best.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 2:00:15 GMT
Are YOU in counseling? I don’t say that with judgment at all, counseling was the best thing I did for myself when I was dealing with a child’s mental health issue. I have a sneaking suspicion you may be propping her up a little to make yourself feel better about her situation with her health and her dad, treating her a little gently, perhaps trying to be the good mom to make up for her dad not being ok. Maybe a little codependency going on there and you need some tools for it. I say that because I was there, I was trying to be good mom so my kid would want a relationship with me, it meant I wasn’t providing enough guidance or boundaries for my child, being too much friend and too little MOM. NO JUDGMENT. just a little gentle thought that perhaps something I experienced might be similar to what you’ve experienced. Love to you mama, parenting is hard. I was in therapy, I recently stopped going, but should probably return. I probably am propping her up, or was. I think that may be one reason why our relationship isn't as good now. I'm not being as gentle with her as I was being and she's pushing back a bit. Thank you for your comments, I think there is truth in them. I need to get myself back into counseling.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 2:02:35 GMT
Your husband is an ass. He is awful to your daughter. And you stay with him, thereby saying you’re ok with the way he treats her and what he’s doing to her. I couldn’t be with someone who treated my child that way. I couldn’t let my child think I’m ok with someone who is supposed to love her treating her that way. He can be. He was awful. I am not OK with the way he treated her and he knows that, and so does she. There are things going on that you don't know about. She knows that I'm not OK with ANYONE treating her poorly.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 2:11:41 GMT
I’m so sorry that you have so much on your plate with your daughter. Your worry and wanting to help her come across clearly. I wish I had the answers for you. It is overwhelming. If I could pick a place to start, I’d re-home the dog. It is just one thing, but a substantial one. Re-homing isn't an option. Believe me, I have considered it. But I love the butthead and I take care of him when she can't and will continue to do so.You say that the expectation is that she walk it once per day and train it 4 times per day. Yet she has no issue staying away from the house for over 24 hours at a time. So, obviously, it isn’t that important to her that she flakes on those things. I have pointed this out to her and she gets really defensive. But, there's proof in the pudding. Having a dog is HARD work and a HUGE commitment, even for people who don’t have all the issues she does. You have unwittingly set her up to fail at one more relationship in her life. It sounds like she doesn’t keep her commitments to the dog more often than she meets them. And you have to nag her to try to keep them, which isn’t good for your relationship/is yet one more thing you have to nag about. I’m surprised her therapist thought this was a good idea. Me nagging her about it is not good for anyone, that's for sure. The dog helped her through some very hard times. I really do think he saved her from going from suicidal ideation to being suicidal. A dog was recommended by her therapist with the understanding that others would care for the dog if she couldn't. I knew that going in and am sticking to it. Either have a family dog that you publicly take most of the responsibility for - because you evidently are the consistent one in the dog’s life - and have that be a gift that you give to her and the dog, or find the dog a home with an owner who is ready to have a dog. She isn’t ready for that level of commitment to another living being - she has to first commit to her own health. For some kids it might work the other way around - committing to a pet leads to being grounded and following through on other things - but for her, it isn’t working out and you all know it. I'm going with option one, he's going to have to be a family dog. I like the idea of it being a gift to her - thank you. I know she feels badly that she doesn't do what she's supposed to with him eta: (((Hugs))) Thank you, Elaine, truly. I really appreciate what you've said and will focus on not nagging her. I'm just going to have to take over, until she's in a place where she wants to and can do it on her own.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 25, 2019 2:11:54 GMT
I am just going to drop this here. My father was an extremely difficult, explosive and violent man. I suspect he is bipolar as there is clearly a genetic component and I have it, as well as my brother and my children. Does he bear some responsibility for the damage in our family? Yes he does. But my mother? Well I think she bears the most. She stood right there and allowed mistreatment all the while whispering I love yous. It doesn't work that way. You don't get to stand beside someone mistreating your child and place the blame on anyone other than yourself. You are just as accountable. And I read your entire post. I have struggling children too. There are a lot of thoughts I could probably share with you but I can't get beyond the fact that you maligned your husband a million times in your post without even pausing to consider that you are continuing to stand right beside him while he mistreats your child. Your DD has my empathy. jeremysgirl - I get where you're coming from, but I am not your mother. I did not and do not "allow mistreatment." I have made mistakes and have not always handled everything as I should have, but I have countered and fought him and for her the entire way. I am not standing right beside him and my daughter would tell you that, so would he. You don't know all of our story. I wish you and your children the best. I'm glad to read that. Because your OP gave a much different view of things at least through the lens that I view things from which is my perspective, my experience. And the gay thing just completely gets my hackles up. There are so many, many challenges that come with parenting, mental illness, physical illness, learning disabilities, etc that I just don't understand creating a problem where there isn't one. Being gay in 2019 should be no big thing. Truth, your DD sounds a heck of a lot like my kids. I get totally trying to address the immediate health need which is the diabetes. My DD is a tiny little wisp of a thing because she has an eating disorder. And some nights my focus is just on the intake of calories. She wants banana bread, I'm making it. But the psychiatrist told me that the eating disorder would improve with improved mental health. And I see it. When she's doing better mentally, the eating disorder will improve. When she's having a crisis, weight will start to fall off. And I think that your DD might take more stewardship of her diabetes once she's in a better place mentally.
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ketriblue
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Jun 24, 2019 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by ketriblue on Jun 25, 2019 2:16:42 GMT
Well I told my retired son that he had one month to get off his ass and get into college or I would give him $1000 and drop him off at the nearest bridge. I then found him a job at the local Fred Meyer,in the deli. It was the kick he needed Thank you for your input, megmc, but I'm not going to threaten to drop my anxiety-ridden, clinically depressed, ADD and type 1 diabetes having daughter off at a bridge. I know you're kidding (maybe?), and get that the threat may have been just what your son needed, but I think that may just backfire a bit in my daughter's situation. I hope that he's doing well now!!
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Post by pattyraindrops on Jun 25, 2019 2:25:44 GMT
What I’m going to say will sound harsh but imagine I’m speaking in the rebellious point of view of a teenager. Of course she feels trapped in your house she can not be herself. Your husband, who owns the home, won’t speak to her. & you stand by and allow it therefore appear complicit to her. How is she supposed to feel? Why does she have a dog if she is not caring for it? Not fair to the dog I wouldn’t have a suicidal teen mow a lawn, to me that’s asking for trouble ( I grew up mowing both lawns & fields so I’m not opposed to it generally ) If you told her she can’t leave before doing her chores then bent the rule ‘because’ she didn’t feel well, YOU’ve negated the rules, not her. Therefore it’s a free for all. She’s a teen, you have to be consistent & firm when parenting a teen because once they know they can crack you they’ll do it again & again. You’ve shown her that you won’t remain firm therefore any rule you have is ‘bendable’ to her. ( why is she going out when she doesn’t feel well? ) Honestly you have so much in that post I don’t know what to tell you going forward. I don’t know how you fix the situation that’s created. She was supposed to be safe, secure & loved in her home with her family but being given the silent treatment & ‘turtle mode’ Is not safe & secure & loved. So now it doesn’t feel like home. Her father rejected her so she’s rejecting herself. And don’t comeback & say she shouldn’t feel that way because you say you accepted her, you allowed the silent treatment of her for months so to her you didn’t really accept it. And yes I know I have my own skeletons in my closet for how I ‘allowed’ my ex ass to act towards his children I’m working thru that with them. You can too, but you have to open up your mind and see it from her point of view first. Your going to have to visibly advocate for her when she is shut out. And, yes it’s a two way street & she is going to have to grow up a little bit. But there’s too many issues in your post going on concurrently that I don’t know how I would proceed if I were you. I guess I’d work on her feeling more safe & secure at least with me, then I’d work on being firm. Hugs, teen years are hard, when you get to the ‘other sude’ You’ll breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you hop2. I apologize, there's been a bit of miscommunication on my part... her father does speak to her and has been for a long time. He's trying to foster a better relationship with her and exploring why he feels the way he does about her being gay. I am not going to come back and say "she shouldn't feel that way." I know full well that I made mistakes, and that she has the right to feel whatever she feels. She's entitled to be supremely pissed at him. Having said that, from day one I made it clear to her and him that his reaction was unacceptable. I stressed to him that he had to talk with her. He had to be ok with it and tell her he was ok with it. I have fought for her since day one. Did I divorce him because of this? No. Should I have, maybe. There is so much more going on that I'm trying not to bring into the conversation. So, I'll have to leave it at that. Thank you for your words and hugs. I can't wait to breathe that sigh of relief. I bet she's waiting for it even more than I am. It is really not fair to to tell him he has to be ok with her being gay. I know many people have no problem with it. He is one who obviously has struggled with the idea so telling him he has to be ok with it would be like telling you that you have to be ok with the her diabetes. It sounds it was pretty painful for both of them and as the adult/parent he obviously didn't handle it well. I'm no expert so I definitely agree with YOU getting therapy to help you know how to handle it all, but if I were not going to go the first thing I would let go of is dad's relationship with her. He should continue to be kind to her and figure out why he is bothered, but neither of you should push the relationship. She doesn't trust him now or herself and she needs to be able to start trusting/controlling herself before she goes into the scary place of trusting dad again. My guess is you probably need to pull back on the control of the diabetes. I got it when I was 9. My parents and everyone wanted to control it for me. As a teen I subconsciously told myself it was my choice so I was way out of control because the only way to gain/feel control of myself was be out of control so my parents couldn't make me be in control. I am 51 now and I have spent my life trying to get past that. So quit asking what her numbers are. Instead ask her questions that will help her understand how she feels and how they relate to the numbers. But don't ask too often. You are not wanting to manipulate her. You are helping her give herself her own bio feedback. Perhaps ask her, "a pea friend said that when her blood sugar gets to 300 she starts getting sick to her stomach. Like the flu, but it is worse. Is that how it is for you?" (Yes, I'm that pea). Then don't tell her she should take better care not to get there etc. She already knows. Tell her that you are sorry she has to deal with that. Ask her what blood sugar range she personally feels best in, not what doctors say it should be, but where she like to be and then ask how it is different than say 20-50 points lower or higher. Just let your curiosity work to help you ask the questions that won't be manipulative or controlling. Those are the types of questions that really help me understand myself better, make me want to help myself better and don't put me on the defensive.
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 25, 2019 2:33:24 GMT
No advice, mom, just hugs hugs.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jun 25, 2019 2:34:54 GMT
You said it yourself—sometimes you have to let them fall. You’re doing everything to manage her, yet she is not doing for herself.
Let her go to see the real consequences for her actions—let her know what the max you’ll do (ie. Ground rules for your home, loss of assistance if she ignores the house rulespay for her phone, etc)
And have a Dr tell her what will happen if she continues to ignore her diabetes.
She’s 18. Maybe it’s time she gets to “adult” and can see how much easier you’re making it for her.
Get yourself counseling—take care if you!
I’m sorry that this is happening to your family.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jun 25, 2019 2:42:01 GMT
What I’m going to say will sound harsh but imagine I’m speaking in the rebellious point of view of a teenager. Of course she feels trapped in your house she can not be herself. Your husband, who owns the home, won’t speak to her. & you stand by and allow it therefore appear complicit to her. How is she supposed to feel? Why does she have a dog if she is not caring for it? Not fair to the dog I wouldn’t have a suicidal teen mow a lawn, to me that’s asking for trouble ( I grew up mowing both lawns & fields so I’m not opposed to it generally ) If you told her she can’t leave before doing her chores then bent the rule ‘because’ she didn’t feel well, YOU’ve negated the rules, not her. Therefore it’s a free for all. She’s a teen, you have to be consistent & firm when parenting a teen because once they know they can crack you they’ll do it again & again. You’ve shown her that you won’t remain firm therefore any rule you have is ‘bendable’ to her. ( why is she going out when she doesn’t feel well? ) Honestly you have so much in that post I don’t know what to tell you going forward. I don’t know how you fix the situation that’s created. She was supposed to be safe, secure & loved in her home with her family but being given the silent treatment & ‘turtle mode’ Is not safe & secure & loved. So now it doesn’t feel like home. Her father rejected her so she’s rejecting herself. And don’t comeback & say she shouldn’t feel that way because you say you accepted her, you allowed the silent treatment of her for months so to her you didn’t really accept it. And yes I know I have my own skeletons in my closet for how I ‘allowed’ my ex ass to act towards his children I’m working thru that with them. You can too, but you have to open up your mind and see it from her point of view first. Your going to have to visibly advocate for her when she is shut out. And, yes it’s a two way street & she is going to have to grow up a little bit. But there’s too many issues in your post going on concurrently that I don’t know how I would proceed if I were you. I guess I’d work on her feeling more safe & secure at least with me, then I’d work on being firm. Hugs, teen years are hard, when you get to the ‘other sude’ You’ll breathe a sigh of relief. Yes! Yes! Yes! The most important line: "Her father rejected her so she's rejecting herself." Your dd not taking care of her diabetes is suicidal. I would bet a lot that she is so careless because there is a part of her that doesn't care if she lives or dies. Or maybe wants to see if how her father would treat her if she was at her end. I agree that she needs to be in counseling. But also she needs to be in a LGBT adolescent support group. She needs people she can relate to. She needs people who can see that amazing young lady inside, and not judge her, not have a negative history with her. And for your husband, well I don't have much to say positive about him. He's done did fucked up his relationship with her forever most likely. But I'm sure that's what his God would want. And for you, I'm gonna be honest, this is the time you need to choose. Do you toe the line, keep your support quiet for your young outted gay dd who needs mom's unconditional love and support right now just so you don't upset your Christian husband? Or do you make every month Pride month in your home, out loud and proud RuPaul style?I Her very being not being a matter of contention, not being labelled a damn sin for fucks sake, will make a world of difference. She should be able to proudly and giddily talk about her gf. Buy her a rainbow bracelet and a shirt that reads "Yes Homo" or "Can't Think Straight!" (My teen literally has both those shirts.) Your dd shutting down and shutting you out and not caring for her diabetes are symptoms of the underlying problem. She feels worthless, and she acts accordingly.
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Post by bc2ca on Jun 25, 2019 2:43:49 GMT
I'm just at the end of my rope. Do I show up at her friend's house and cause a scene? Do I let her do whatever and end privileges at home? Cancel her phone plan? Take away her door? Force her into family counseling. Do I disengage and let her do whatever the hell she wants? I feel for her. I know it's tough living here with the emotional baggage she has from her relationship with her father. He's nothing but nice to her and patient with her now, but she isn't willing to budge an inch. She wants nothing to do with him and told him as much. She's developing anxiety with me now because I won't let her skirt her responsibilities without repercussions. What say the Peas? Have you asked her what she wants? Other than nothing to do with her dad right now. She isn't interested in dealing with that baggage, so honor that and ask how she wants to handle a few other things. Ask how you can help her reach her goals. Don't tell her what her goals should be. When working on life skills with teens we work to have them set monthly goals in writing and back off the daily/weekly micromanaging. There is a check in and we'll ask how they are doing/if they need any help, but we don't tell them what to do or ask for specifics on what they have done. At the end of the month you meet and help them figure out the next set of goals. Some months it's baby steps, sometimes it's giant leaps that are accomplished. A nephew was diagnosed with diabetes at age 8 and it was really, really hard for his mom not to be in charge of his numbers as he transitioned into adulthood. He was terrible through his teens and hospitalized a couple times. He couldn't get a DL until his numbers were under control for 6 months and that is what actually motivated him to finally take responsibility for his health (around 19/20?). Does your DD see a diabetes councilor or has she attended a nutritionist led workshop on her own? I have two young adults at home and all I ask is they let me know if they will be home for a meal and/or what time they expect to be home. They haven't asked for permission to go anywhere since high school. We have common courtesy rules about everyone keeping the shared space clean (kitchen/bathrooms/family room) but the bedroom is their space.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Jun 25, 2019 2:45:03 GMT
A few thoughts. First insofar as the shirking chores, leaving messes everywhere, and feeling trapped my 18 year old does and feels all those things. Annoying as hell but also age appropriate. I think it is to make you want to throttle them so you are relieved when they leave home.
From your description it sounds as if depression rules her. I think that even if your husband won't go to family therapy there might be some benefit it just the two of you go. Also consider group therapy, my daughter volunteered at a clinic and was surprised that many others had self doubt and anxiety. I think that social media makes people think other people have perfect lives.
Second and as important as the depression is getting the diabetes in check. The depression probably hinders her and she probably feels physically lousy.
Finally, encourage her to hand out with her friends and socialize. At 18 the face to face is super important.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,787
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jun 25, 2019 2:48:54 GMT
Big hugs! I got nothing but did want to ask about the "therapy dog"- if it's HER dog and it's for HER therapy, why does she not take it with HER all the time? Isn't that what therapy animals are all about? To be with the person who needs them 24/7?
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Post by shanni on Jun 25, 2019 2:49:42 GMT
I’m the mom to an 18 year old daughter who is a lesbian and also has had severe anxiety and depression issues. She also has high-functioning autism, so while we don’t have the diabetes thing going, we do have another issue that plays into everything. She was also raised Christian.
I have to say, your post really resonated with me. Thankfully, my husband has been supportive from the beginning since she came out to us. Even though we are both supportive, her anxiety still gets the best of her sometimes. Every couple months I have to reassure her that we won’t ever kick her out and that we will accept her no matter what.
Does your daughter have a good psychiatrist? It sounds to me that she’s not on the right medications. I wouldn’t even try with all the other stuff until her meds are adjusted. If her anxiety and depression aren’t well managed, she just isn’t capable of taking care of the other stuff right now. I, not saying let her have free reign. But she might need help managing her diabetes and her schedule for a little while longer.
I feel like there is so much more to say, but I think the bottom line here is whether or not her psychiatric medication is where it should be.
As far as her relationship with her dad, I wouldn’t push that right now either. If he is still saying he isn’t sure he would go to her wedding, he doesn’t accept her. She’s hurting. Even after he gets to the place that he can fully accept her, I think it could take her years to heal from that. He rejected her at an incredibly vulnerable time in her life. She needs time to process that. Hopefully she will be able to forgive him at some point. But that’s going to have to be on her terms, not his.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 9:31:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2019 2:55:02 GMT
Well I told my retired son that he had one month to get off his ass and get into college or I would give him $1000 and drop him off at the nearest bridge. I then found him a job at the local Fred Meyer,in the deli. It was the kick he needed Thank you for your input, megmc, but I'm not going to threaten to drop my anxiety-ridden, clinically depressed, ADD and type 1 diabetes having daughter off at a bridge. I know you're kidding (maybe?), and get that the threat may have been just what your son needed, but I think that may just backfire a bit in my daughter's situation. I hope that he's doing well now!! My son is high functioning asperger’s. He does have anxiety issues. So no pushing him into anything stressful. We were just letting him exist. He was very comfortable... if he were 65 y/o , he would be retired. I had enough of him sitting in his shit filled room and practically begging him to at least mow the whole lawn. I exploded! He did go to college, graduated, but no longer wants to be a police officer. He works full time now, and is living by himself, taking care of his house and yard. He has taught himself to really and he cleans constantly. I am sorry it came to threatening him m, but he needed a kick in the ass or he would still be living in his pit. I am not saying that you have to go to the extreme I did, but know that sometimes the extreme doesn’t fail. And not all kids who don’t go straight to college after high school fail at life. Some just need a little regrouping. ( just don’t let that regrouping go on as long as we did)
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jun 25, 2019 3:02:54 GMT
Here’s a thing—when a child comes out, and parents are shocked/saddened/furious, they ARE STILL the kids you birthed and raised.
The only difference is that they’ve known they are gay and the parents (and everyone else) need to catch up and get with the program, as it’s 2019 and in this day/age, being gay should not be what a parent loses their shit over.
THEY’RE still your kids. Unconditional love.
It does sound like your DD needs to mature, and learn how to be an adult in adult relationships including with her father.
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Post by Zee on Jun 25, 2019 3:05:05 GMT
Many young people with Type I rebel at some point and quit taking care of themselves. That is a struggle for you, but she is an adult and variable of taking care of herself. It's "hard", as she says, but it's not impossible. She needs to start doing for herself because you can't be there doing it for her forever. She's trapped in an endless cycle of being a child when you continue to treat her like one.
No, don't take her door or limit her freedom as punishment. Tell her if she wants to continue to live there as an adult she needs to act like one, and that starts with re-negotiating things with her dad (add long as he's willing to own up to his mistakes).
Family therapy would be a good condition to put on her. Help her make a game plan to live independently... Finish school, get her license, learn a trade or choose college, keep a job. Make a budget. Care for her dog. These are all life skills she needs to be independent.
My son also has anxiety and depression and has been difficult to guide through life as well, though without a chronic illness or struggles with sexuality/family, so I do understand that your DD has additional issues that make it difficult for her.
But none of those things are insurmountable and helping her make a plan can help. She cannot expect her mother to manage her disease her whole life.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 9:31:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2019 3:38:15 GMT
My advice as a diabetic: let her manage it. The fastest way to get me non-compliant with my diet and meds to have anyone (My doctor, sister, anyone) start "in" on me about my numbers. Being compliant then feels like I have given them control. The only way **I** have control is to do what they don't want me to do. A doc visit where she lectures about my high A1C will result in me stopping for a banana split on the way home.. guaranteed.
At 18 give your daughter the "gift" of adulthood. You do not manage her life anymore. Take the ap off your phone/computer where you track her monitor. Don't ask about meds beyond a weekly check in that you are doing shopping does she have any needs.
Ask her what her plans are going forward toward independence. No reminders, just asking to be kept in the loop. It has got to be extremely hard to live in a house where you can't be who you are. Yea, dad may talk to her but so much she can't say to him about her life. Help her come up with HER plan to become independent. Not because you want to kick her out but because adult independence is an inborn life goal that you want to help her achieve.
She doesn't need a curfew but you can ask to be informed about whether she plans to be in for a meal so you know how many to cook for and what time she expects to be in so when you hear her in the house at night you know it is her and not a break in. Don't punish her like a child because she isn't a child any more. Move the relationship out of the mother/child smother mode into a friendship of helping her achieve independence. She is not 8; she is 18. As appropriate point out resources she could take advantage of but let the doing be hers. Don't ask if she followed up or not. talk to her about a time line (one year, two years?) IMO, "maturity" is a bad way to determine if a young adult is ready or not to leave home. The mom who thinks her 18-20 year old is mature enough is a fairly rare bird. We can convince ourselves they can't live on their own.
Get her back into therapy but also get yourself and the h into therapy too.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jun 25, 2019 12:14:32 GMT
Her father immediately told her that he loves her when he found out she was gay, but pretty much shut down for two months afterwards. Barely spoke with her, stayed in his room... went into turtle mode, didn't want to talk about her being gay. When asked about homosexuality he says that gay people suffer from same sex attraction and that something happened to make her that way. He thinks acting on homosexual attraction is a sin and likens it to adultery. He can't answer her when she asks if he'll be at her wedding one day. A couple years after we found out she was gay she was so full of resentment toward her father (I don't blame her) that she spent two hours airing her grievances, told him she didn't want him involved in her life... "Don't ask me anything about my life." She is very stubborn and will not back down. She can pop an attitude quicker than anyone alive. They butt heads. She has developed such anxiety concerning him. Her father said some awful things. The reason I said she is being so absolute is that he has told her that he is open to seeing things differently. He is examining why he feels the way he does. He is open and trying. He behaved very poorly at first, and has apologized for making her feel they way he has. I'm absolutely sure he is a trigger for some of her behaviors. Over time, his approach to her has changed. I know he's trying, at the same time, I don't blame her for being resentful, at all. She may be able to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks. We're talking about that. I probably am overbearing to her. The thing is, with parenting, sometimes we only get one chance to do the right thing. It's a make it or break it moment. Your husband broke it. He broke trust with his daughter in a deep way. A way that leaves scars and never leaves you. He said he loved her, but then went on to say and do things that say he does not love her. You can't say you love someone and treat them like that (also think of what lesson he just taught her about how loved ones are allowed to treat us). He didn't talk to her for 2 months in some stupid ass childish "turtle" mode? He basically rubbed her face in his rejection of her every day. Every day. In HER own home. Her home ceased to be a safe place for her. It became a place of rejection, anger, and fear. That is what your house is to her now -- a place of rejection, anger and fear. Your daughter is not being stubborn or popping an attitude. She is protecting herself from further hurt. That is actually a wise choice. Your husband proved he cannot be trusted. Honestly, your daughter is behaving in a logical manner -- actions have consequences and her behavior is a consequence of his actions. I will tell you that this story hits close to home for me. I do not normally share this story of my life, but I will because maybe it will help you see through your daughter's eyes, which I really do not think you are. When I was younger than your daughter, my father made an offhand casual comment telling me very clearly that girls were useless to him and he wasn't going to waste his time on girls (I was the only one at the time). 50 years later, I can still remember where we were standing, what I was wearing, etc. When my mother found out what he'd said, there was a very nasty fight and a come to Jesus meeting with him which I overheard. He went on, in his asshole way, to try to "fix" it but I knew the truth. I felt everything he did for/with me was under duress and that he'd rather being doing something else. Even when he seemed happy to do it, to myself I was thinking, "Yeah, right. Big fat liar." Later daughters were treated much better. However. The damage was done, it was irrevocable. Our home became a house to me whenever he was in it. I tried to make myself invisible in many ways. (At some point in my teens, I toughened up and became the I don't give a shit person I still am, but that strength grew in part out of deep pain and the deep scars that only a parental rejection can cause.) The thing is... It really did not matter what he said or did afterwards. His parenting moment was a break it moment and our relationship could never be repaired. Because I knew the truth. So does your daughter.
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Post by librarylady on Jun 25, 2019 13:13:57 GMT
I think the best thing would be to help your daughter get out of the house where she has to face her father and his disapproval every single day. It is toxic for her and she needs to be in a loving place.
Nothing will ever be able to remove those hateful words that were spoken out of her memory bank. I can't imagine how hurtful that was for her and will haunt her life.
You and DH need to find a PFLAG group and attend every meeting for a long time.
I also get very angry at those who use the term "Christian" to give permission to being hateful to gay people. Jesus felt it so insignificant that he never said a word about same sex love. He did say that the greatest commandment was to love one another. --I will stop here.
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Post by dancingqueen on Jun 25, 2019 16:21:24 GMT
I'm a long time lurker, but your post brought me out It seems that your daughter is very uncomfortable in her own home right now. I know that people are suggesting that she leave for a while to get away from her dad, but I'm thinking there might be another way that could lead to some healing. Of course, it would depend on your husband, and if he is truly interested in a relationship with his daughter. Would it be possible for your daughter to have her friends over to your house? She has told you many times how important they are to her. How open would your daughter be to inviting her girlfriend over? They could watch a movie and sit on the couch together, hold hands. Or maybe work up to that. That is such a part of growing up that I feel bad your daughter may not be experiencing it. At 18, it shouldn't have to be a secret... Maybe explain to your daughter that before she asks her father to come to the wedding, maybe they could work up to having dinner with her girlfriend? It doesn't seem like she is comfortable in her own skin, and she obviously isn't comfortable in her own house. She has no ownership of it, which might be contributing to why she can't be bothered with chores. Maybe if you made it a place she wanted to be, she might invest. Encourage her to have her friends over. Make yourselves scarce if you have to, only a few times so that she and her friends can become comfortable there. Just my two cents. I wish you all the best.
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Post by twinks on Jun 25, 2019 16:49:17 GMT
I love the insight the peas have and how we try to help others. It is great. I've been reading each post with gratitude.
I have a couple of thoughts that go inline with some of the other posts. I think you DD is using her diabetes as something she can control and something that she can use to "test" your relationship. She is acting like a child so you are treating her like a child.
Yes, being a diabetic isn't fair. Yes, it is a problem that needs to be dealt with everyday for the rest of their lives. Yes, it is a hassle. Yes, if you are struggling with other things then this just feels like one more thing and you don't know if it is the diabetes, hormones, depression, anxiety, or what is going on.
I think one of the things is maybe making an appointment with someone (not taking a class with all the old people and their Type 2 diabetes) and teaching her ALL the ways to manage her diabetes on her own. Step out of it a bit. I am sure that when she was younger, you managed the food, exercise, etc. for her. Maybe she needs to hear things for herself so she can manage them for herself. I never heard my mother or my father ask my brother his blood sugar levels. I don't think any of us have ever asked my brother his levels to this day. He is on the same system and has a pump. He bolsters at mealtimes and it is not a big deal. Put her in control of her diabetes by helping her get the information from someone - not Mom. I am thinking a class to start and maybe a NP or PA in her doctors office that she can check in with weekly until things settle down and get under control. Support her in learning how to and manage her own disease. Support doesn't mean doing it for her. Resist the urge to treat her like a child. Voltagain and Pattyraindrops already beautifully addressed this issue.
Losing a therapist is extremely hard, especially one that you worked well with. She may not feel like she is up to the work of establishing another therapeutic relationship, even though she desperately needs to be in therapy. Again, be supportive of her. Help her find a new therapist. Listen to her about establishing that relationship and if it isn't working, find her a new one.
When I read your initial post, I read a lot of her dad feels this way, and DD is rebelling and acting out. I didn't read anything about how DD is feeling. Focus more on being understanding, supportive, and listening to what is going on with her. Not graduating with peers is a big thing. I feel for your DD. Is she not driving because of her diabetes and it being out of control? Or are there other reasons? If it is the diabetes, then for hell sakes stop treating her like she is an invalid. She has a disease, and a controllable one at that. Stop babying her! She has diabetes. She can go to school, she can drive, and she can hold down a job. Work with her self concept and give her, her self esteem back.
Have her get in touch with a LGBT support group or community. I don't understand why you haven't done this before now. So what, your DD is gay, not a big deal. Get your DD the support that she desperately is screaming for. My mother gave me the best advise ever in raising children. She looked at me and said, "The greatest gift a mother can give her children is to accept them for who they are." To me, and these are my personal feelings, the fact that you are hiding the fact that your DD has a girlfriend from your husband means that the subject still isn't one that is embraced and support given. Again, that is just my personal opinion. Stop worrying about how your husband feels and look at how your DD feels.
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Post by LiLi on Jun 25, 2019 17:14:09 GMT
hop2 said: And yes I know I have my own skeletons in my closet for how I ‘allowed’ my ex ass to act towards his children I’m working thru that with them. I have total respect for you. You own it. And I pray your children give you grace. I pray my children give me grace too. Hugs, my friend. I just have to tell you, at the risk of sounding like a weirdo. You just seem like such a beautiful person. I wish I could be half as kind, thoughtful, and sweet as you. Your posts on this thread have me tearing up.
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Post by peace on Jun 25, 2019 18:14:55 GMT
I want you to know you are not alone. Feel free to message me. I have been trying to come up with words for a private message or post but I'm at a loss. I think I'm just exhausted and I feel you. Our paths are similar. I'm in the middle of it so I am not sure if I can offer advice since I have no answers myself- but certainly I can offer comfort.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jun 25, 2019 19:22:42 GMT
{{{Hugs}}}
My daughter has been an insulin-dependent diabetic since she was a toddler. She is on medication for anxiety/depression. She may or may not be gay.
Her diabetes has never not been under control, but her numbers do bounce up and down regularly.
I know no one with lower energy levels.
Based on this experience, I'm going to suggest that there may be something physical going on that makes it very difficult for her to sustain her energy levels. Chores may seem overwhelming because just getting started requires effort. If this is the case, then it may help to rethink how she can begin taking on more responsibilities. If you're open to being a little flexible, together you and your daughter could focus on what tasks she's more willing to do first. Maybe that's unloading the dishwasher, or sorting the laundry, or vacuuming the floor - and then maybe you could trade that task out for one of the chores that she refuses to do now.
The idea is for her to learn what it means to succeed with a responsibility for the home and family. Does it really matter what it is to begin with?
You've said that your husband loves your daughter. My suggestion: Sit him down and tell him that he has a choice; he is either more concerned with his daughter's health and well-being or he is more concerned with being right.
Your daughter's blood sugar readings may or may not be as erratic as she's allowing you to believe. She's got a constant meter and a pump - neither of which my daughter will commit to yet - so she may be more in control than you know. Her A1c tests are the only way to know for sure.
Without blood sugar being controlled, the PERMANENT damage is severe. Your husband needs to understand that his beloved daughter may be facing possible heart attacks, dialysis and amputations as soon as early adulthood if she refuses to keep her health a priority.
She can't do that if she feels inferior, a disappointment, a "thing" to be avoided by her own father.
Her sexual orientation shouldn't cost her her life.
If your husband continues to refuse, and he might, I would encourage you to find another home for your daughter. Maybe there are grandparents, aunts/uncles, or siblings that have a more welcoming environment that would be willing to take her in for the time being.
I don't say this casually.
Anxiety drives blood sugar levels up and makes it much harder to keep diabetes under control. I've witnessed it first hand. My daughter has been through some truly anxiety-producing events which included the death of her father and being displaced multiple times.
A disapproving parent in the home giving the cold shoulder to a child is one of the greatest anxiety-producing situations imaginable.
She needs to be in a less-stressed environment. Either your husband gets on board or you should consider alternatives.
Approach your husband logically. If he continues to insist on being right, then your daughter's health may decline precipitously.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jun 25, 2019 19:45:25 GMT
She knows that ignoring her diabetes will destroy her body. She knows that out of control blood sugar levels affect everything in her life. Your daughter is too young to really understand what that means. Your husband is not. she dealt with suicidal ideation a couple of years ago, but with help from her therapist and psychiatrist she was able to move past it. That multiplies the importance of lowering the stress in her environment immediately. {{{More Hugs}}} I know it's hard, but you can do this.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,787
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jun 25, 2019 19:49:29 GMT
hop2 said: And yes I know I have my own skeletons in my closet for how I ‘allowed’ my ex ass to act towards his children I’m working thru that with them. I have total respect for you. You own it. And I pray your children give you grace. I pray my children give me grace too. Hugs, my friend. I just have to tell you, at the risk of sounding like a weirdo. You just seem like such a beautiful person. I wish I could be half as kind, thoughtful, and sweet as you. Your posts on this thread have me tearing up. I think this same thing every time I see a post from jeremysgirl! She's an amazingly compassionate human. Gives me a smile.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jun 25, 2019 19:58:59 GMT
She actually has an appointment tomorrow. I'm half afraid she's going to ask that I not go in with her. That's a tricky bit, for sure. You can talk with your dd beforehand and agree that you'll go in for a short time and then leave so she can have privacy. Even if she doesn't care, I think it's good for her to know that you support her having an opportunity to speak with someone, saying whatever she wants and asking any questions she may have, without being monitored by her parents.
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