ashley
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 13:12:24 GMT
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Commiseration maybe?
I think I generally have a decent attitude toward dating — I figure if you meet someone for a drink, have a decent conversation, and nothing else happens, it was another person met and probably a few things learned and life goes on. I don’t get attached to people quickly (so it’s not like every man I meet is “the one”). I have high-ish expectations and feel like I vet men well enough, so I’ve yet to have a crappy or horrible experience. I don’t demand expensive dinners out and gifts and such, as I’ve heard from most men is quite common.
I have found over the past nine months or so that almost everyone is just looking for “friends with benefits” which I have NO problem with in theory, and have enjoyed these kinds of relationships in the past. However, there’s no actual friendship to be had. It’s essentially code for guilt-free booty calls with absolutely zero investment. One guy I was seeing for a while didn’t even have alcohol to offer me (he had his own which I didn’t drink and he knew). All these guys are in board for sex when they need it, but ask them to go see a movie with you, and you’d think the end times were upon us.
I headed into summer feeling positive and optimistic about having some fun. I bought lots of tickets to concerts for the season and into the fall, and arranged some free weekends without kids, expecting I could find someone who’d be willing to see a concert or maybe take an overnight road trip somewhere. Well, this has not been the case. My free weekends have been spent alone and my extra concert tickets have been given to strangers.
Between my ex-boyfriend soliciting unattached sex from me and creeping me out in other ways, and that one other guy who I was interested in who’s taking care of his ill ex-wife telling me he can’t see me because he’s trying not to fall in love with me... and the guys online who say they don’t date women with children but we could fuck if I was down with that (I wasn’t).... I don’t know. I’m just feeling like life is kinda an asshole.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 13, 2019 14:40:38 GMT
For all the reasons you posted, I don't date.
I have no energy for people who just want a free vagina to use, without the "hassle" of a relationship that goes both ways.
I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it. It sucks.
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trollie
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Posts: 3,580
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Post by trollie on Jul 13, 2019 14:44:05 GMT
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Commiseration maybe? I think I generally have a decent attitude toward dating — I figure if you meet someone for a drink, have a decent conversation, and nothing else happens, it was another person met and probably a few things learned and life goes on. I don’t get attached to people quickly (so it’s not like every man I meet is “the one”). I have high-ish expectations and feel like I vet men well enough, so I’ve yet to have a crappy or horrible experience. I don’t demand expensive dinners out and gifts and such, as I’ve heard from most men is quite common. I have found over the past nine months or so that almost everyone is just looking for “friends with benefits” which I have NO problem with in theory, and have enjoyed these kinds of relationships in the past. However, there’s no actual friendship to be had. It’s essentially code for guilt-free booty calls with absolutely zero investment. One guy I was seeing for a while didn’t even have alcohol to offer me (he had his own which I didn’t drink and he knew). All these guys are in board for sex when they need it, but ask them to go see a movie with you, and you’d think the end times were upon us. I headed into summer feeling positive and optimistic about having some fun. I bought lots of tickets to concerts for the season and into the fall, and arranged some free weekends without kids, expecting I could find someone who’d be willing to see a concert or maybe take an overnight road trip somewhere. Well, this has not been the case. My free weekends have been spent alone and my extra concert tickets have been given to strangers. Between my ex-boyfriend soliciting unattached sex from me and creeping me out in other ways, and that one other guy who I was interested in who’s taking care of his ill ex-wife telling me he can’t see me because he’s trying not to fall in love with me... and the guys online who say they don’t date women with children but we could fuck if I was down with that (I wasn’t).... I don’t know. I’m just feeling like life is kinda an asshole. That sucks. I'm sorry. |
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Post by Jessica on Jul 13, 2019 14:45:27 GMT
I am right there on the bench next to you! It's a confidence buster, that's for sure.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 13, 2019 15:11:16 GMT
I am right there on the bench next to you! It's a confidence buster, that's for sure. Please you and ashley don't let the assholes steal your magic. There are nice guys and there are pigs. And I don't know the ratio of one to another at specific ages, but just know that good men are out there. I have a lot of friends dating right now and while they aren't perfect, they are sincere. |
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Post by Jessica on Jul 13, 2019 15:22:01 GMT
I am right there on the bench next to you! It's a confidence buster, that's for sure. Please you and ashley don't let the assholes steal your magic. There are nice guys and there are pigs. And I don't know the ratio of one to another at specific ages, but just know that good men are out there. I have a lot of friends dating right now and while they aren't perfect, they are sincere. Thank you, that's good for me to remember. |
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Jul 13, 2019 15:28:44 GMT
I experienced much the same when I was single. I always got the feeling it was because I had kids. No one wanted “to be a daddy”. My husband was the opposite. He really wanted kids, which is why he didn’t meet mine for a year. He wanted to make sure we were going to make it before attaching to my kids.
But yeah, sex with no strings is a common thing. It sucks. I’m not into that. For me sex is only good if I’m in love. And I don’t fall in love easily.
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Post by KelleeM on Jul 13, 2019 15:29:51 GMT
I’m really sorry. When I was dating I found that most men were just interested in sex or chatting on line (before texting was so common, I’m old!). When I finally found the right guy for me it was purely accidental. We were both at the point we where we were looking for FWBs and ended up falling in love...here we are almost 12 years later, married 6 years and very happy.
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 15:48:30 GMT
Well, I’m both sad and relieved to know I’m not alone in this.
I don’t think most men are assholes! I’ve met lots of great guys and had some super fun sex, for sure. Which does make me smile.
But I’d really like to feel as if I am also worth spending time with.
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pilcas
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Post by pilcas on Jul 13, 2019 15:59:28 GMT
I hated dating when I was young. I would hate it more now, I think. I met my husband at work, so no awkward dating there. All I can say is that if I were single again I would just do without men altogether.
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Post by mustlovecats on Jul 13, 2019 16:06:43 GMT
Where are you meeting people?
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Post by femalebusiness on Jul 13, 2019 16:11:31 GMT
I don't know if I would have the perseverance to wade through all of the dates to find someone who was a good fit. While the Internet has opened up a lot more choices they are not necessarily quality, just quantity. You have my sympathy and my respect for having the energy to go for it. Good luck!
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ashley
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Posts: 3,400
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 16:24:45 GMT
I really am ok without “having a man”... I don’t want or need someone here to cut the grass or take care of the hurt animals or kill the spiders or to take me places or accompany me everywhere. I’m very comfortable with that part of my life now. I do go places by myself and I’m going on vacation completely alone. And I’m really really good with that.  |
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ashley
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Posts: 3,400
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 16:25:41 GMT
Where are you meeting people? Just online. It’s nearly impossible to meet people in person, I’ve tried. And it’s a very common complaint I hear from single people my age. |
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Post by Lexica on Jul 13, 2019 16:33:59 GMT
These are all the reasons (except having littles at home) that my mom referred to when saying that she “didn’t think meeting a man was for me” at this stage of my life. At first it really hurt my feelings. Then realizing how much of her day was filled with talking care of my dad before he died, I began to see where she was coming from. Her generation put the man and his needs way above their own.
She felt I had enough on my plate with my chronic pain and fibromyalgia to deal with and didn’t need to be waiting on some man too. I assured her that my generation wasn’t the one that felt a woman is empty without a man to care for. I wouldn’t get into a relationship with a man who wouldn’t hold up his end of things and even offer to help me once in a while. Mutual help is fine. Taking care of someone like she did isn’t.
But, they had also been married for most of their life and in that situation with my dad’s health as it was, sure I would have taken care of him too. But he spent many years providing for Mom and us kids too while she didn’t work. He gave her anything she asked for; she was just afraid to ask for some reason. It was an equal exchange, just not always simultaneously. Although Dad still maintained all their finances himself and frequently pulled his walker to the kitchen to prepare meals for the two of them.
What I have decided to do for myself is somewhat like you mentioned - date without major expectations and with high standards. And I also hope to meet lots of women friends when I move to have them to do things like shows and hiking and game nights. Do you have female friends who could do lots of the fun stuff with you?
People always say you will meet a potential mate when you aren’t looking. I think that needs to be modified to make sure you are both ready and open to it at the same time.
I’ve done the friends with benefits thing before and it suited my lifestyle at the time. The male friend married, but still wanted to continue our arrangement. There is no way I could be complicit in such an arrangement and told him that just his asking made me lose a lot of respect for him. He has called and stopped by a few times over the years, but I could never be a party to cheating.
Just go meet some women who enjoy the same things you do. And if you need sex, you know that you can always call one of these guys, although I doubt that you would enjoy it. With any luck, maybe one of your new women friends will have a great brother!
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craftymom101
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Post by craftymom101 on Jul 13, 2019 16:46:45 GMT
Your post completely resonates with me right now.
I swear men in their late 20s/early 30s who are still single have no idea how to be in a relationship. They have unreasonable expectations, are in it to get laid, and don’t have the stamina to make a long term relationship work.
My self-esteem is completely gone. I’m 34, a size 8, educated, and I have two great kids. Men either think I’m not a good parent and need to “fix” children (thankfully I don’t introduce my kids to them), only want sex, or lose their shit if I do something they don’t like (I’m not perfect and I’m one to apologize profusely if I’ve screwed up but it’s a one-and-done kind of thing).
My ex-boyfriend has huge expectations of me and I was constantly failing. He wanted me to wear sexy, fancy clothes whenever we went out yet would only wear cargo shorts and a T-shirt. He wanted lingerie every night because sweats/yoga pants “aren’t a turn on” (pretty sure it all comes off anyway...). He wanted my kids doing chores every day while I would ask them to do things about half the days they were with me. I have 50/50 custody and don’t want all their time with me spent doing chores. It was a constant battle because I was never quite enough.
Since he and I split I’ve dipped my toe in the dating water but I end up upset or disappointed or feeling horrible about myself.
OP, I’m sorry your summer is not working out the way you hoped. I’d go to a concert with you if you were close! I’m about to throw in the towel with dating and resign myself to a life with my cats (once my kids are gone). I’m probably not very helpful!
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 17:41:51 GMT
The Peas really are the best. Lexica , I can't imagine what it would have been like to be a woman from a generation previous to mine! I think the burdens are likely underappreciated. I'm trying to redefine just exactly what my expectations are regarding "dating"... it's hard when situations are so different and mine's also changing! Regarding finding mom friends, I have been trying and still am! I've found it hard to make people keep plans. My two closest mom friends often flake on plans. I'm supposed to meet up with one in two hours and I still haven't heard from her today. I did reach out to an old friend from my first year of university this week and we're both super excited to meet up in a week or so when she gets back from vacation. She told me she thinks of me and often has thought about asking to hang out, so I'm really glad I took that chance and messaged her. I've come to the conclusion that finding sex is easy and finding something meaningful is definitely not easy. |
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 17:47:35 GMT
craftymom101, dating with kids is a whole adventure I have barely any experience with. The only man I've ever introduced my kids to was my ex-boyfriend. I've never had anyone else over, nor do I have men here at all. My ex never even spent the night. So I have pretty much zero experience on how to go about deciding at what point one introduces them. I rarely even talk to men about my kids, don't show them pictures... I think my kids are kinda private and a privilege. I will fully admit that my ex-bf was amazing with my girls!! I could not have asked for a better experience there. This other guy, Matt, with the ill ex-wife, is the only man I've met since that I've started thinking about having to my house.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 13, 2019 17:56:40 GMT
My free weekends have been spent alone and my extra concert tickets have been given to strangers. Find a girlfriend to go with...do somethings for yourself. I am single and VERY happy. I do what I want when I want. Time for you to enjoy life. |
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 18:10:25 GMT
My free weekends have been spent alone and my extra concert tickets have been given to strangers. Find a girlfriend to go with...do somethings for yourself. I am single and VERY happy. I do what I want when I want. Time for you to enjoy life. I have done both of these things. Extensively. |
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Jul 13, 2019 18:11:58 GMT
Your post completely resonates with me right now. I swear men in their late 20s/early 30s who are still single have no idea how to be in a relationship. They have unreasonable expectations, are in it to get laid, and don’t have the stamina to make a long term relationship work. My self-esteem is completely gone. I’m 34, a size 8, educated, and I have two great kids. Men either think I’m not a good parent and need to “fix” children (thankfully I don’t introduce my kids to them), only want sex, or lose their shit if I do something they don’t like (I’m not perfect and I’m one to apologize profusely if I’ve screwed up but it’s a one-and-done kind of thing). My ex-boyfriend has huge expectations of me and I was constantly failing. He wanted me to wear sexy, fancy clothes whenever we went out yet would only wear cargo shorts and a T-shirt. He wanted lingerie every night because sweats/yoga pants “aren’t a turn on” (pretty sure it all comes off anyway...). He wanted my kids doing chores every day while I would ask them to do things about half the days they were with me. I have 50/50 custody and don’t want all their time with me spent doing chores. It was a constant battle because I was never quite enough. Since he and I split I’ve dipped my toe in the dating water but I end up upset or disappointed or feeling horrible about myself. OP, I’m sorry your summer is not working out the way you hoped. I’d go to a concert with you if you were close! I’m about to throw in the towel with dating and resign myself to a life with my cats (once my kids are gone). I’m probably not very helpful! Omg I’m so pissed for you! I had my fair share of controlling assholes in my life. One thing I love about my husband (and the lust us long lol) is that he thinks I’m pretty just as I am, a few pounds over weight and no makeup. I try to put effort into myself but I was never ever a frilly fussy girl anyways. If you have to go out of your way for someone to see your beauty, they’re the wrong one that’s for sure. And lingerie? That idiot. Because it’s better to have sex with someone who wears sweatpants than no sex at all. Duh. Men are so stupid regarding sex sometimes. They truly don’t get how they’re missing out on good sex by saying crappy things like that. |
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 19:05:19 GMT
I’ve had the opposite experience with some men... both my ex husband and ex boyfriend hated lingerie and didn’t want me to wear it, even though I happen to like it sometimes! One of them couldn’t perform the time I wore my corset...
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 19:06:50 GMT
Ladieeeessss... that Matt guy I like is sending me selfies of him in his war of 1812 Gentleman officer’s uniform... goddamnit. TOP HAT.
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ashley
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Posts: 3,400
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 19:43:29 GMT
And since a couple of you mentioned self esteem... this week a guy I said “hey, how’s it going?” to on a dating app replied “sorry, I only date thin women”. WTF? First of all, I’m 5 ft 2 and 135 lbs and maybe I could lose ten lbs but any thinner and I’d look horrible, and second, why even say that? I replied saying “good, I only date non-assholes” but geez, I’ve been looking in the mirror and not feeling good. Why does that even hurt? Lol
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 13, 2019 20:02:54 GMT
I am not the person to be giving advice on this subject. BUT... I really think you need to find some way to meet guys in person and not just on-line. I think it is easier to weed out the wackos in person. Now where you should go depends on your city. See if there is a meet up group for something you like or just want to try.
I do like that you aren't willing to give up and have expectations.
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 20:20:47 GMT
I really not have not met one single wacko in person. I’ve never been on a bad date. I just find most men are looking for something with no investment...
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jul 13, 2019 20:27:08 GMT
I really have tried to meet people in person and will keep trying, but I don’t know what else to try at this point.
I went to a running club but everyone was really close knit and I didn’t feel comfortable or welcomed so didn’t go back.
I joined a monthly trivia night but it was not social at all and I only met one man who was old enough to be my dad.
I tried joining an anti-racism group but got kicked out before attending the first meeting because I asked that they stop using derogstory terms for white people on their Facebook group.
I go to concerts and shows and art shows at the little art centre downtown here. I know people there by name now but it doesn’t go further than that.
I did get asked out in the aisle of a thrift store once, so maybe I could keep trying that. At least I’d know he’s frugal, right?? Lol.
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Post by annabella on Jul 13, 2019 20:50:38 GMT
Have you tried going to coffee shops more? And start Talking to people in line or if you’re sitting ask what someone is reading. Dogsit so you can go to the dog park. Ask men questions at the grocery store or target, have you seen xyz product or do you know where i can find.
Honestly I’d not stress about dating, meaning give it a break and work on making more female friends so you have a dozen people to go through to ask to go to concerts with you. Maybe you need non- mom friends who have more time for friendships. Focus on building up your list of friends so you never feel like you don’t have activity partners. The more friends you have the larger your network gets of parties you get invited to and friends who introduce you to their single male friends.
Go back to the running group and try harder to makes connections. I doubt they didn’t like you, just in their own world and not making a big welcoming effort.
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Post by alexa11 on Jul 13, 2019 21:20:53 GMT
I'm on that bench, too. I always start by asking what they're looking for and they have actually gotten smarter or think they have. Most of the time I get "no hook-up", but then you have to delve deeper and get into the FWB thing. Then the "friends" part goes out the window, like you said. It's a struggle, but I keep plugging along. What happened to dating- just dating and doing things BEFORE you have sex???
I do have my boy toy-lol and I know that's not going anywhere and I'm fine with that. He was very upfront with me from the beginning. I was bored and he was such a hunk, so I agreed to meet him and I haven't looked back and it's been a year. I am still looking for Mr.Right and this relationship doesn't hinder that. He thinks it's funny when I text him after a bad date and tell him what happened.
There are good ones out there I know.
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Post by Lexica on Jul 13, 2019 21:47:00 GMT
craftymom101 , dating with kids is a whole adventure I have barely any experience with. The only man I've ever introduced my kids to was my ex-boyfriend. I've never had anyone else over, nor do I have men here at all. My ex never even spent the night. So I have pretty much zero experience on how to go about deciding at what point one introduces them. I rarely even talk to men about my kids, don't show them pictures... I think my kids are kinda private and a privilege. I will fully admit that my ex-bf was amazing with my girls!! I could not have asked for a better experience there. This other guy, Matt, with the ill ex-wife, is the only man I've met since that I've started thinking about having to my house. You are so smart to keep your kids away from your dating life. I did the same thing. My son would occasionally answer the phone from someone I was dating and he would ask me about it, but that is as far as it got. I told him that Mom having male friends was something he didn’t have to think about. I assured him that I wouldn’t even consider marrying again until I had thoroughly vetted the man. If I knew there was a probability of marriage, I would then introduce him to my son. That went a long way towards calming my son’s fears. Several of his friend’s moms dated and brought men home in front of their kids and the kids complained that it bothered them. I let him know that wasn’t going to happen to him. craftymom101, don’t let a small little man’s expectations of you get to you. Be strong in yourself and know that you know how to raise your children and don’t need suggestions from someone less vested than you are. I admit I laughed when you described your ex demanding you dress a certain way. My ex fiancé tried that one me once. I took him to the full length mirror and asked him if he was interested in making a list of improvements that he could make on himself. He never tried to dress me again. Don’t doubt yourself! You are a strong, attractive, and smart woman. If someone comes along and immediately wants to change you, you know it is time to keep looking until you find a man that appreciates you for you. |
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