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Post by Freefallfast on Jul 15, 2019 23:53:44 GMT
Both times over money.
I was a poor and neglected kid.
Have anxiety and mental scars.
First time in our marriedlife we have a healthy savings account.
Took away a good portion of my anxiety having a safety net.
We discussed paying off a vehicle but didn't agree.
I wanted to keep the safety net large and keep building it AND THEN pay off the vehicle.
3 discussions no agreement.
Found out on Saturday he took HALF our savings and paid off the vehicle.
I get that now we don't have one of the car payments. I get why he did it. We would have in the near future.
What I don't get is him doing it NOW when we don't agree.
So effing pissed.
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Post by Skellinton on Jul 15, 2019 23:56:54 GMT
I am sorry you are upset. To me what he did makes sense though, now you can take what would have been your car payments and put it back in your nest egg but you will end up ahead since you aren’t paying the interest on the loan.
I am sorry you are mad though.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jul 15, 2019 23:58:27 GMT
I am of the thinking that that was a good move if you bank those payments into savings every month and put that money back. You will have a lot more in the long run by not paying that interest.
I do get that you are pissed that he did it behind your back. He should have kept discussing it with you and laid out the math to convince you it was the smart move.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jul 15, 2019 23:58:59 GMT
We can be like that at times too. It sucks.
I’ve tried telling him that when we don’t agree and he does what he wants anyway, he’s disrespecting and tossing my thoughts in the garbage. Like he’s the man and just knows better.
I wish I had a solution or sage words of advice—other than it sucks.
I’ll just steal another peas saying- find someone to junk punch him!
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Post by Freefallfast on Jul 16, 2019 0:05:48 GMT
No I agree with the theory. I wanted to do it in like 6 months after we got to a certain point in our savings.
We have bad luck. SHIT happens. And money goes fast. If we have say 3 things: car repair, plumbing issue and dental work for pain are the three that may be looming, happen now and close together....savings GONE.
WE HAD A PLAN!!!!! ONE THAT WORKED FOR BOTH OF US!!!!!
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Post by katlady on Jul 16, 2019 0:16:40 GMT
That sucks that you weren’t in agreement on such a big decision. I understand why you are upset. Just make sure that what would have been your car payment goes back into that account. It will build back up fast.
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Post by Zee on Jul 16, 2019 1:50:29 GMT
I think his plan was better. But you're right, you should have come to an agreement before he did it.
When you said "2nd time in nearly 30 yrs" you had me then you lost me. Only twice? Lol!
I've been livid many times but never about money.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by trollie on Jul 16, 2019 1:52:40 GMT
I think he did the right thing, but went about it the wrong way. I understand why you are upset.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Jul 16, 2019 1:56:23 GMT
I actually agree with you. I understand, coming from poor childhood, money is safety. Even if it's not the BEST choice financially (it was probably a good move), the $$ in the bank makes you FEEL safe.
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Post by papersilly on Jul 16, 2019 6:33:56 GMT
It could be worse. He could have taken that money and put it all on "red". Instead he did a responsible thing and removed one looming debt.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jul 16, 2019 6:49:15 GMT
My husband would have not been able to do so without telling me first. Cultural difference. Our thing was a computer. I had the money. No computer.
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Post by roberta on Jul 16, 2019 7:19:06 GMT
Sorry you are feeling this and feel discounted. It also is difficult feeling worried about having enough money set aside because yes, s*** happens.
I understand the anger. That feeling of being ignored and disrespected is intense! (It is a hot button for me.). One really good aspect is you have only had that level of anger twice in 30 years. I think that is remarkable. Disagreements and anger are inevitable so at least it hasn’t been too bad!
Does he really understand why you are upset 😡 now? If not, would he be open to discussing it? Would that help you feel better? I hope you two can figure out how to minimize your hurt feelings. Hope you feel better about it.
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Post by dewryce on Jul 16, 2019 9:54:56 GMT
I’m sorry he did that and I completely understand why you are so angry. It doesn’t matter if his way was a better financial decision. As it’s not an urgent ‘we are going to lose the house if we don’t pay this now’ matter, that’s less important than helping you feel secure, and definitely less important than taking that action behind your back/against your wishes. That’s like saying your feelings of insecurity aren’t valid, or aren’t as important as his desire to pay the car off 6 months earlier. I would be livid and my feelings would be really hurt...which also comes out of me as livid. That’s a double dose of pissed off Dewryce, DH would be screwed.  |
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wellway
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Post by wellway on Jul 16, 2019 10:19:35 GMT
I get where you are coming from. I think in a few days perhaps you should both sit down and discuss this. He needs to understand the savings represents more than money to you. It's a safety net, a cushion, a way of keeping your anxiety down.
Maybe you can agree an amount that works for you, put that amount in an account that requires both signatures to be able to withdraw. Then save for emergencies/general life expenses in a separate account.
On the other hand, he might counter that in twenty five years you have not been reduced to the circumstances of your youth. That together as a team you make things work.
You both might have to give a little to work through this.
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TankTop
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Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jul 16, 2019 10:29:58 GMT
I am livid for you.
What he does not see is that he took away two safety nets... the security of the money and your emotional safety net of trust and a feeling being taken care of by going behind your back.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 16, 2019 10:45:54 GMT
I am livid for you. What he does not see is that he took away two safety nets... the security of the money and your emotional safety net of trust and a feeling being taken care of by going behind your back. yeah the trust breach is a big deal |
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 16, 2019 11:36:00 GMT
I am livid for you. What he does not see is that he took away two safety nets... the security of the money and your emotional safety net of trust and a feeling being taken care of by going behind your back. I think you should sit him down and tell him exactly this. That was my reaction, as well. I'd be tempted to open a second savings account in my name only or hide some cash for those unexpected expenses that we all know WILL happen. |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jul 16, 2019 12:03:08 GMT
What he does not see is that he took away two safety nets... the security of the money and your emotional safety net of trust and a feeling being taken care of by going behind your back. I agree, but I'm also struck by the nearly thirty years of agreement over money with only two arguments over money. With that base to build on, surely you can sit down together and have a productive conversation about this? |
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Post by mandolyn9909 on Jul 16, 2019 12:26:03 GMT
I am livid for you. What he does not see is that he took away two safety nets... the security of the money and your emotional safety net of trust and a feeling being taken care of by going behind your back. I think you should sit him down and tell him exactly this. That was my reaction, as well. I'd be tempted to open a second savings account in my name only or hide some cash for those unexpected expenses that we all know WILL happen. I would be tempted to open a second savings account as well. Obviously he is comfortable living with a smaller savings, so now what you did put into a joint savings can be split into two accounts. |
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Jul 16, 2019 12:32:55 GMT
It's not what he did it's how he did it. I get it. He didn't listen to you and you feel like he didn't respect your feelings about this or talk to you before he did it. And I think it's insightful and helpful that you recognize where this is coming from - a childhood filled with instability and worry.
Be angry - you have the right to be annoyed that he went and did something without consulting you. Express that to him and tell him to please talk to you in the future. And then do what you can to let it go. In the long run, it's not a harmful or bad thing he did.
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Jul 16, 2019 12:55:36 GMT
My 2nd ex husband loved to do things with money without discussing it with me. So while your husband actually did a good thing with the money (unlike mine who would randomly buy furniture and guitars) it’s a trust issue. It’s positively terrifying to live in financial crisis. I don’t have any advice because the repeated financial abuse is what made me end my marriage. Just hugs and empathy.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 16, 2019 13:44:57 GMT
No I agree with the theory. I wanted to do it in like 6 months after we got to a certain point in our savings. We have bad luck. SHIT happens. And money goes fast. If we have say 3 things: car repair, plumbing issue and dental work for pain are the three that may be looming, happen now and close together....savings GONE. WE HAD A PLAN!!!!! ONE THAT WORKED FOR BOTH OF US!!!!!I'm sorry that he went behind your back - but I do want to point out that the plan clearly didn't work for both of you. I would acknowledge that he wasn't happy with the plan and then concentrate on the appropriate ways of dealing with that difference. |
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peppermintpatty
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Post by peppermintpatty on Jul 16, 2019 14:10:23 GMT
While he should have talked to you before doing it, it makes good financial sense to do it. Take the money you would have spent on the payments and put it back into the account. It will go back up in no time.
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peppermintpatty
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Post by peppermintpatty on Jul 16, 2019 14:12:51 GMT
I am livid for you. What he does not see is that he took away two safety nets... the security of the money and your emotional safety net of trust and a feeling being taken care of by going behind your back. I think you should sit him down and tell him exactly this. That was my reaction, as well. I'd be tempted to open a second savings account in my name only or hide some cash for those unexpected expenses that we all know WILL happen.That is a BAD idea. That is just telling her dh that she doesn't trust him at all. Please don't do this. |
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Post by worrywart on Jul 16, 2019 14:20:05 GMT
I totally get why you are upset. Unless you had a gigantic car loan for a long number of years, the interest probably isn't huge and in the long run your peace of mind may be more important. But try to look at it as if you still have the money, it is just shifted to a non-liquid asset...
Put the car payment money back in your account every month so that you can save the money back up asap. Good work on only have 2 major disagreements in 30 years!
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sassyangel
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Post by sassyangel on Jul 16, 2019 14:30:32 GMT
No I agree with the theory. I wanted to do it in like 6 months after we got to a certain point in our savings. We have bad luck. SHIT happens. And money goes fast. If we have say 3 things: car repair, plumbing issue and dental work for pain are the three that may be looming, happen now and close together....savings GONE. WE HAD A PLAN!!!!! ONE THAT WORKED FOR BOTH OF US!!!!! But if he did it anyway, it doesn’t appear that it really did work for him. I’m like you, I feel most secure when we have a nest egg of savings. But I can see the logic and sense in his proposal too. Maybe he felt like that savings nest egg was so important to you, you weren’t really listening to him? Just another perspective. I understand you feel like you weren’t heard and that he just disregarded you, and I think he shouldn’t have just done it for those reasons, without talking to you more, and your anger is justified on that. But just something to think about. |
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sharlag
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Post by sharlag on Jul 16, 2019 17:11:55 GMT
That is just telling her dh that she doesn't trust him at all. pretty sure that's the case, now. |
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Post by deekaye on Jul 16, 2019 17:53:59 GMT
I agree in theory with what he did. Makes sense to pay off the vehicle.
I am co-Pea-livid with you that he went behind your back and did it without concensus. So wrong!! I'd be having a huge sit-down/stand-up/come-to-jesus-meeting with him!!
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 16, 2019 21:24:59 GMT
We can be like that at times too. It sucks. I’ve tried telling him that when we don’t agree and he does what he wants anyway, he’s disrespecting and tossing my thoughts in the garbage. Like he’s the man and just knows better. I wish I had a solution or sage words of advice—other than it sucks. I’ll just steal another peas saying- find someone to junk punch him! Haha my saying is trending and yep he needs a big junk punch!! |
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 16, 2019 21:42:08 GMT
I didn't read all the responses but I've just started listening to David Ramsey on YT and he says you should in theory have 3 to 6 months of your salary saved before a person tackles their debt.
Money is always a source of fights and disagreements in most marriages it is in ours.
Mine makes financial decisions like that too where I have one opinion and he has another.
He took 3 hunting trips and he didnt have the money saved first for none of them which totally pissed me off.
Sometimes I'm glad he doesn't have his nose in our finances, I pay all the bills and set up the mortgage payments when we had one and our car payment because he would always want to pay the least amount etc.
I managed to pay our mortgage off 8 yrs early by making bi weekly payments and increasing it with raises and at each mortgage renewal. Also managed to pay off our $80,000 line of credit loan we had for a remodel of our house in 3 yrs.
My beef with him is he doesn't seem to realize we need to be saving more for our retirement so that's a goal I'm going to be working towards.
I'm not fantastic at saving long term but I am good at squirreling away for a holiday,Christmas etc.
Its definitely hard when the parties in couple come from different financial backgrounds too.
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