casii
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,517
Jun 29, 2014 14:40:44 GMT
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Post by casii on Aug 29, 2019 18:45:06 GMT
I know everyone grieves differently and there is no one way to do so, but I'm a little WTF Dad?!? at the moment.
Mom & Dad were never good with money. If they had money, they spent it quickly. Never planned for retirement, long term care or even held long term jobs. Nana passed away on Mother's Day and Mom got a pretty decent inheritance check. I don't think they had the change to spend it because Mom collapsed in late June, never regained consciousness and died in hospice on June 30th. Dad had 2 life insurance policies that he quickly claimed.
He just bought a new truck which, okay, his other truck was older, still fine, but I don't fault someone for not wanting to be like me and basically drive their car until it falls apart. He had talked about buying a used pop-up camper to try it out and see if he liked traveling with a camper, seeing more of the country now that he wasn't full time caregiver for Mom. Well, earlier this week he sent photos of a 31 ft, 2019 camper with 2 bump outs. The kitchen in this thing is bigger than my home kitchen! How did he get from used pop-up to big ass trailer? I made the mistake of suggesting the sales contract had 3 days to cancel and now he's radio silent.
He's brushed off suggestions that he meet with a financial planner to put some kind of plan for long term care in place. My middle sis and I have been getting calls from Sallie Mae saying our brother in law of my youngest sister & my father have not been answering calls and we were listed as contacts which we were not aware of. Brother in law is also not to be trusted to rub 2 nickels together and he recently cheated on my sister so I don't want my name associated on anything with his name on it. (this is like a bad country song)
Is there anything to say to him or am I wasting my time even worrying? I feel like he's going to blow through all that money, not to mention, I have doubts he'll decide to actually travel the country. He's a hermit homebody if you ever met one.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Aug 29, 2019 18:54:19 GMT
Unfortunately, your dad is an adult, although they tell you not to make big decisions for a year after a death. It is concerning. Not sure it is good for your BIL to be so close to your dad at this time..... Tough calls you have there!
Are you and your sister within visiting distance to go see what is going on or to at least talk?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 7:26:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2019 19:07:38 GMT
Husband’s dad blows through money gambling. It’s his money and we can’t stop him.
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Post by mom on Aug 29, 2019 19:07:47 GMT
My dad did something similar (same previous life - sucked with money, helped care for my dying mom, etc) when my mom passed away. And then he remarried within less than a year. I've had to walk away. He wont listen and nothing I say will stop him.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Aug 29, 2019 19:34:55 GMT
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. His life, his money. Just stay strong If there is ever a time when his bad choices force him to come to you for help. Do what you can if you want but feel no guilt if you can’t or don’t want to help out.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 7:26:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2019 19:34:56 GMT
Thankfully, we didn't experience this problem when MIL died. FIL has been very good about managing his money. For creditors to be calling you about your BIL and father makes me worried that your father may have co-signed on something for BIL. I would attempt to call your father about that issue to find out what he may be liable for. Could be that BIL falsified documents and put your dad's name on something and if so, he needs to freeze his credit immediately. Unfortunately, with the other stuff, you really don't have a say unless you were listed as a beneficiary of some of those assets.
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casii
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,517
Jun 29, 2014 14:40:44 GMT
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Post by casii on Aug 29, 2019 19:50:25 GMT
Middle Sis and I are not close geographically to see what's up. We had offered to pay for a deep cleaning service to come in since we know the state of the house was pretty grubby when EMTs came there, but he's turned us down for that so far. Now I'm not willing to pay since he's obviously got money to do this if he'd like. I did find out that Dad co-signed on at least one school loan for my BIL. When younger sis found out he was cheating, she also discovered he'd overdrawn the bank accounts, so I'm assuming there's some financial trouble going on. Dad encouraged sis to go back and work it out the day after she found out he was cheating. Oy. And now they're supposedly all camping together this weekend in this flashy new camper. I asked DH if grieving meant I could get the new Airstream I've always wanted. He hasn't stopped laughing at me yet.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 29, 2019 19:55:27 GMT
I'm sorry. That is awful.
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Post by workingclassdog on Aug 29, 2019 20:00:19 GMT
One of my best friends found out after her father passed away, they were both gambling a lot!! So not exactly your question but it was a shock to her. Now her mom wants to continue but in debt. So she has been working with her to try to tone it down, but of course she is a grown adult so she is a bit stubborn about it. She lost a huge part of her income so it is hard on her, even though they shouldn't have been gambling to the extent they were.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 7:26:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2019 20:13:32 GMT
It’s his money.
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Post by elaine on Aug 29, 2019 20:58:53 GMT
I’m so sorry. There is nothing to do but shake your head. It is his money to do with as he pleases.
As for you, I’d probably tell Sallie Mae that you haven’t spoken with your family in years and they are not to call you any more. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. You aren’t responsible for any of it, but legally they can contact you for contact info for your family members. Keep it short and sweet and hang up. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
It stinks for you, all the way around, and probably gets in the way of your grieving for your mom. (((Hugs)))
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Post by nlwilkins on Aug 29, 2019 21:01:45 GMT
Its easy to say, it is his money, but a lot harder to ignore this spending when you know you may be called on to pick up the pieces later when he needs help. Not many daughters can ignore a father in need no matter how many bad decisions he made. Then considering he might be spending because of grief and years of doing without, it is harder to say no.
Perhaps you can talk him into signing over the house? It could be sold if needed for assistance later on when he can no longer take care of himself. Or maybe just get your name on the deed so he cannot sell it or refinance it without your signature.
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Post by tc on Aug 29, 2019 21:39:54 GMT
I'm sorry you're going through this. My thought at first reading your post was he's trying to fill an emotional void with new toys. Then I read the part about your BIL and its worrying, but as others have said - what can you really do?
Not the same situation, but my grandfather was extremely frugal. My grandparents had a clothes dryer that squeaked this horrible high pitched noise every time it was on for a good five years. Grandma tried to get it fixed a few times, but the fixes didn't work and Grandpa wouldn't buy a new dryer because this one "still dried the clothes". Not that he was wrong, but it was physically painful to be in their house when the dryer was on. Grandpa passed away. Funeral was something like a Wednesday morning. Thursday morning at 8 am, Grandma was waiting for the local appliance store to open to buy a new dryer. :-) She took a couple of trips in the following six months too. But she settled down the spending after that.
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Post by MichyM on Aug 29, 2019 21:51:49 GMT
My ex has done something similar. Shortly after we split up (6.5 years ago), his mother passed away leaving him a sizable bequest. Almost immediately he purchased a top of the line BMW. He's also become an audiophile in a BIG way (to the tune of $20k speakers and the like). He was always like this when we were married, but not to this extent. It bothers me that essentially it's on me alone if anything is left to our son when either of us dies. It also bothers me that he's blowing through money that meant a lot to his mother to be able to pass on in quick fashion. But, I thank my lucky stars that it's not my responsibility to rein in his spending habits any longer. Thank goodness!
That said, it's unclear if you've sat down and really talked face to face, just the two of you, about your concerns. Not "I think you should do X, or see Y for their input," but just talk about what it would mean to you and your family if he planned and set things in place for his future. Have you?
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Post by jubejubes on Aug 30, 2019 2:15:21 GMT
Perhaps you can talk him into signing over the house? It could be sold if needed for assistance later on when he can no longer take care of himself. Or maybe just get your name on the deed so he cannot sell it or refinance it without your signature. ^^^^ This is not a good idea at all. So many different possible legal ramifications possible. In my area, if you own a home which isn't your primary residence, there is a capital gains tax of 50% of the value when you were to sell the house. Also, if the dd were to pass away suddenly, this home would be part of her assets and would be subject to additional probate $$ and would mess up a bunch of stuff. Be VERY CAREFUL when you co-sign or co-own anything with anyone.
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Post by tentoes on Aug 30, 2019 2:24:05 GMT
So sorry for the loss of your mother. ((HUGS)).
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Post by roberta on Aug 30, 2019 4:24:37 GMT
Condolences for the loss of your mom.
As so many have said he is an adult and it is his money. It is painful to see a family member do things we believe is destructive. Sorry you have to go through this.
My concern is more about your sister. Is she still separated from your BIL? It sounds like she needs an attorney to protect herself financially.
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Post by ExpatBackHome on Aug 30, 2019 4:54:32 GMT
Yes, happened here too. But he’s an adult an there’s nothing I can do. He started online dating a month or two after my mom died and is now remarried. I learned that some people can’t be alone and how people handle money doesn’t change unless they want to change.
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Post by nlwilkins on Aug 30, 2019 5:22:15 GMT
Perhaps you can talk him into signing over the house? It could be sold if needed for assistance later on when he can no longer take care of himself. Or maybe just get your name on the deed so he cannot sell it or refinance it without your signature. ^^^^ This is not a good idea at all. So many different possible legal ramifications possible. In my area, if you own a home which isn't your primary residence, there is a capital gains tax of 50% of the value when you were to sell the house. Also, if the dd were to pass away suddenly, this home would be part of her assets and would be subject to additional probate $$ and would mess up a bunch of stuff. Be VERY CAREFUL when you co-sign or co-own anything with anyone. Thanks for the info, was just trying to figure out how she could manage to save some of the assets in order to be able to help him in the future.
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snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,294
Location: Colorado
Apr 26, 2017 6:14:47 GMT
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Post by snyder on Aug 30, 2019 6:07:35 GMT
Sorry about the loss of your mom. {{{{hugs}}}} My dad handled all the finances, so when he passed, my mom was at a loss as to how to budget her money, but us kids were there to help her if she needed us to. I was absolutely floored when one day she called me and asked me if she could buy some picture frames. I'm thinking, good lord, what is she up too? I was imagining some really expensive things like 2 or 3 grand. I asked her how much were they and she told me $24. My heart sank. She really didn't have a clue. Hope you dad settles down soon and a possible conversation can be had shortly.
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brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
Jun 26, 2014 16:09:34 GMT
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Post by brandy327 on Aug 30, 2019 12:26:31 GMT
I have a relative that has done something similar. Her dh passed away unexpectedly and she didn't even know he had a fairly good sized life insurance policy. The week after he passed away, she retired. Neither of them were good with money, even having to declare bankruptcy 12 or 13 years ago. The first thing she did when she got the money was see her accountant, so she did at least do that right. They set up that she gets X amount of money as "spending money". Her social security is enough to pay all of her bills. So it truly was/is spending money. After seeing her accountant she bought a brand new car in cash. Less than 6 months later, she claimed it had horrible blind spots and traded it in and bought a different new car. It's been 3 or 4 years and she's since traded that car in and bought another new one. And all she does is spend money. She goes out shopping every single day. Her house is borderline a hoarding situation. She fully admits that shopping makes her feel good. And she travels a lot. But it's also been pointed out to her that the money has to last her the rest of her life... and she's not even 70 yet and she gets around great and is in good health overall. It will not surprise me at all if she runs out of that money before she passes.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 7:26:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2019 12:52:34 GMT
Sorry for your loss, casii.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 30, 2019 12:55:50 GMT
It really sucks when you’re in that position where you can see the train coming from miles down the track and there’s not one thing you can really do about it but watch the wreck as it unfolds. Both my parents were really good with money, fortunately, and each of us kids inherited some money when the last one passed. Several of my siblings burned right through theirs in record time, spending on all manner of really stupid stuff despite cautionary words from others telling them to maybe slow down a little and really think before buying so much needless stuff. For some people there just isn’t a way to make them get it that when it’s gone, it’s GONE and there won’t be any more where it came from.
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Post by tentoes on Aug 30, 2019 13:12:42 GMT
It really sucks when you’re in that position where you can see the train coming from miles down the track and there’s not one thing you can really do about it but watch the wreck as it unfolds. Both my parents were really good with money, fortunately, and each of us kids inherited some money when the last one passed. Several of my siblings burned right through theirs in record time, spending on all manner of really stupid stuff despite cautionary words from others telling them to maybe slow down a little and really think before buying so much needless stuff. For some people there just isn’t a way to make them get it that when it’s gone, it’s GONE and there won’t be any more where it came from. This is why, as the only parent left now, I have set up a family trust for my grown children. There won't be a lump sum distribution, just a percentage per year. I hope in doing that, that the money will supplement their earnings, not overtake their earnings. The money can also be "tapped" for an emergency with the approval of the trustee.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,623
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Aug 30, 2019 13:45:16 GMT
This is what scares me. I inherited a small life insurance policy from mom, but the big deal was selling her house. While I'm still paying her final bills the sum that is ours is significant. Not quit our jobs significant, but enough for us to pay off our debt and replace both (10+ year old) cars.
The first thing we did, when I still felt like I needed to keep her money and our money separate, was to make a list of our goals for when the money did co-mingle. Things like bring the emergency fund back up, replace both cars, get the ice maker in the fridge fixed (the fridge has worked since day 1, the ice maker has not but since it didn't interfere with the fridge we left it). To the outside I'm sure it looks like there's a river of money flowing out of our house at the moment. This has been cause for concern from some family members who know us to be spenders. It scares the crap out of me to be honest. I want to be a good steward of the money, and have really stuck to the list we both agreed on but between getting moms house on the market and the funds that that entailed, as well as carefully paying down our debt then add in we lost a huge tree in the last storm and had to pay to have it removed has me gibbering in the corner holding my debit card.
OP, I'm so sorry for the loss of so many people close to you. It's not easy.
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Post by LisaDV on Aug 30, 2019 14:03:06 GMT
My dad did something similar (same previous life - sucked with money, helped care for my dying mom, etc) when my mom passed away. And then he remarried within less than a year. I've had to walk away. He wont listen and nothing I say will stop him.
My BIL's dad sold his house and planned to move to FL (from IL). Didn't go down and check it out first. Just went. His other son luckily took him. He didn't even unpack and decided he couldn't live there. Lived with that son for a few months and then got married. Needless to say, BIL's head was/is spinning.
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Post by tentoes on Aug 30, 2019 15:24:09 GMT
When my husband died late last year, one of the first things I spent money on was a new car. I took my car in to get it smogged, and it wouldn't pass without spending about 5,000 on it. It needed a new part, that isn't made anymore because it was a 1994 model! My son insisted I buy a new car instead of investing the 5000 in such an old car. He didn't feel comfortable to have me driving around in a car that had problems. All four of my kids agreed, so I broke down and bought a new car. When my husband was alive, I didn't feel bad driving the car at all because I knew with him, I'd be safe, and he could fix anything!! But on my own, it just wasn't a good idea.
Then this spring, I had plumbing problems that cost a fortune to resolve! So to "others" it may look like I'm spending a lot, but frankly, I needed plumbing to work!! I needed a safe car to drive. I had the money. I'm not likely to be on welfare anytime soon. I praised and thanked the Lord that I had the money! So far, my kids are very supportive of my decisions. But, it IS my money, and until I'm gone, they really don't have much to say about how I choose to spend my money. Thankfully, all four are financially stable and on their own. I will be more than happy to help them out if that is necessary though.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,623
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Aug 30, 2019 15:41:41 GMT
tentoes, I saw my mom make these type of decisions too. It killed her to spend the money, but she had to think of it as without my dad there to help, it changed her perspective.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 30, 2019 15:46:05 GMT
It's his life and his money. Nothing you can do.
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Post by beaglemom on Aug 30, 2019 16:10:57 GMT
If for some crazy reason mil passes first I hope the kids will yank fil's spending. Otherwise I could see him blowing through literal millions in short order. None of which he earned (mil father's money).
Fingers crossed that doesn't happen.
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