peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
|
Post by peabay on Oct 13, 2014 21:59:05 GMT
She sound fun I'd never heard the expression before, but an aunt said she frequently reminded her (big mouthed) husband that during their ds' wedding planning and wedding he was to wear beige or be beige. Someone correct me on that one? Very basically this wedding was being paid for by the brides family and he need to keep his trap shut, lol! Maybe someone needs to inform FMIL of that one! I think the quote is "keep your mouth shut and wear beige."
|
|
|
Post by darkangel090260 on Oct 13, 2014 21:59:46 GMT
It was a joke
|
|
|
Post by cecelia on Oct 13, 2014 22:02:22 GMT
Looking back on my wedding planning, I can pick out plenty of moments when I should have included my MIL more and in retrospect, she was included in plenty. Flowers, cake, venue, meals were all visited with my mom, in laws, DH & me.
At the time, I thought the wedding was 'my' day but now with wisdom, I realize it's a joining of 2 families & in my experience, different cultures. We tried to incorporate a bit of everything to make it a comfortable day for all, but, I was only 22 & had my share of bratty bride moments.
My biggest regret is being a huge bitch when my MIL picked out a dazzling black gown for the wedding day without consulting me. Black! On my MIL! On my wedding day! She was so happy with that dress & looked great & completely out-styled my mom. But you know what? 18 years later, MIL is always the best dressed at an event. It's what makes her feel good. DH is an only child so I'm sure my MIL envisioned getting a daughter-in-law who would share her fashion sense. I'm not that DIL. Thankfully, DD is the perfect granddaughter for a frilly grandmother to dote on. ;-)
Good luck with the planning.
|
|
peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
|
Post by peabay on Oct 13, 2014 22:04:24 GMT
So...just out of curiosity...what don't you like about your future sil?
|
|
MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,543
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
|
Post by MorningPerson on Oct 13, 2014 22:05:28 GMT
This is really good advice. OP, it may turn out that your DD's FMIL is a pain in the ass through and through, or it may turn out that this shopping trip was uncomfortable and awkward only because you're all just getting to know each other. Assuming there is no deliberate maliciousness or bad intentions, I think it's so important for our kids to know that they don't have to choose sides, that they can love their future extended family no matter how imperfect, and that you support a good relationship with both sides of the family.
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Oct 13, 2014 22:25:58 GMT
|
|
|
Post by Miss Ang on Oct 13, 2014 23:20:59 GMT
Wedding dress shopping for our middle daughter on Saturday and we asked future MIL if she wanted to come along.
Who is we? I think if your daughter wanted to invite future MIL then she should have done so. If it was your idea, you probably should not have even mentioned it. I mean, maybe it was all her idea. I don't know. I guess I mean that it sounds like her future MIL is going to be a handful so hopefully you want to make sure you're not pushing your dd into things either. As far as lunch, if I were you I would have spoken up right away and said who was going to be on your check and who would be separate.
|
|
|
Post by gorgeouskid on Oct 13, 2014 23:33:46 GMT
I love love love my MIL, but would never have invited her dress shopping. She is everything that is lovely and gracious, but not anything to do with MY wedding. My mom wasn't included in dress shopping due to her distance either.
MIL kept suggesting things for the wedding that I didn't want, so I ignored her, and my wedding was everything (mostly) that I wanted.
|
|
|
Post by myboysnme on Oct 13, 2014 23:57:28 GMT
I only have boys. How lovely for those of you with daughters to be able to dictate what your daughter's mother in law can say and do. I doubt I will pay for anything for my boys' weddings if they get married. They can either pay for it themselves or come up with something else. I don't care what the Knot says or anything else. If I have money to contribute I will give it to them to apply to whatever it is they want to use it for.
I've been married twice. Both times I married men who came from families with no dad in the picture and moms living in poverty who could never have paid for a rehearsal dinner or anything else. Both of those ladies whose sons I loved enough to marry are dead now. Now having only boys, I realize how it was for them with me always putting my mom first. I would change it if I could.
If I have raised a son that your daughter falls in love with, and who loves your daughter, I think I deserve to be thought of better than someone you have to put up with. If I share my opinion or make comments, what's it to you? Can't you just let me have an opinion? I have to sit there and say nothing and smile? No thanks. Just tell me where to show up for the wedding and what time and I will be there wearing something I think I look nice in, and I will probably have my own camera to make sure I get some photos.
|
|
brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
Jun 26, 2014 16:09:34 GMT
|
Post by brandy327 on Oct 14, 2014 0:03:39 GMT
She sound like a real peach! Take a deep breath and remember to pray for your daughter!!
|
|
caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
|
Post by caro on Oct 14, 2014 0:12:47 GMT
Don't invite FMIL to any more occasions. Just don't tell her your timeline of when you are going to do things. DD's MIL was similar. She had an opinion about everything because this was her third wedding and my first one, she thought she knew it all. I learned fast to stand up to her when she got pushy.
Don't let this woman ruin this special time with your DD.
|
|
quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
|
Post by quiltz on Oct 14, 2014 0:17:14 GMT
I only have boys. How lovely for those of you with daughters to be able to dictate what your daughter's mother in law can say and do. I doubt I will pay for anything for my boys' weddings if they get married. They can either pay for it themselves or come up with something else. I don't care what the Knot says or anything else. If I have money to contribute I will give it to them to apply to whatever it is they want to use it for. If I have raised a son that your daughter falls in love with, and who loves your daughter, I think I deserve to be thought of better than someone you have to put up with. If I share my opinion or make comments, what's it to you? Can't you just let me have an opinion? I have to sit there and say nothing and smile? No thanks. Just tell me where to show up for the wedding and what time and I will be there wearing something I think I look nice in, and I will probably have my own camera to make sure I get some photos. I have had a son who got married to a wonderful woman. She included me in many things. Mostly because I am a creative person and she appreciated my talent.
As soon as my son said that he was going to propose, I told him that we will look after the things that are traditionally the groom's side to pay for. Then when they came over for dinner to celebrate their engagement with us, I gave them a cheque that would more than cover items like the bride's bouquet, the brides wedding ring amongst other things.
As for the rehearsal dinner, I wanted something a bit more fancy than what the couple wanted. I respected their wishes and gave them the rehearsal dinner that they wanted.
I also asked my dil to tell me what the colour scheme was going to be so that I could purchase an outfit that would compliment the bridal party. It is polite to ask about this, so the pictures turn out nicely.
Being gracious is the best gift a mom can give to her son and his future wife.
|
|
AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
|
Post by AmeliaBloomer on Oct 14, 2014 0:18:20 GMT
Maybe it's the old waitress in me (who despised doing separate checks), but on the rare occasion a server actually asks about separate checks, the answer I most often say - and hear - is "One check is fine. We'll figure it out." Leaves a lot of things open, including picking up the whole tab.
Good luck.
|
|
|
Post by ceepea on Oct 14, 2014 0:20:24 GMT
I'm with myboysnme. I have 2 sons, no daughters. These kind of threads upset me a little. I mean the FMIL says or does something YOU don't like or agree with and she is out for good. God, the FMIL can't even have pictures of her SON'S wedding day?? Is it only the bride getting married and that is why it is her day? Guess she is lucky if the groom even shows up, I mean his family is not wanted, its not his day, no pictures of him being taken. Don't mother's of the bride ever think that for the groom's mother it is just as big a day?? Are we not supposed to miss our sons? Just the bride's family gets that too, I guess.
Hopefully, the FMIL is not venting somewhere about how her DS's FMIL and family acted while she was invited dress shopping. She could possibly be saying that she felt no one really wanted her there, didn't want her to have an opinion, loudly commented when she gave her advice on a dress, and whatever else happened that day. Remember, she too was making judgments about you and your family during that outing. She could be warning her son against you.
She might not have acted as you would have or as you would have liked her to act, but she is the one who gave birth to and raised the man YOUR daughter picked.....to me, that simple fact entitles her to at least one more chance.
Just ask for a copy of the CD..It didn't even happen yet and you are upset about it. She might be a scrap booker too. If you ask and some how the photographer denies you a copy of won't even let you buy a copy, then you can get upset.
Don't start nothing, won't be nothing.
Good luck and congratulations on their engagement.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 13:38:03 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2014 0:24:15 GMT
Maybe it's the old waitress in me (who despised doing separate checks), but on the rare occasion a server actually asks about separate checks, the answer I most often say - and hear - is "One check is fine. We'll figure it out." Leaves a lot of things open, including picking up the whole tab. Good luck. I like that response a lot. I will have to remember that.
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Oct 14, 2014 0:40:18 GMT
It was really nice of you to include your DD's FMIL. It is a kind thing to do. You know her, so you know if she was being rude or not, but the lunch thing might have thrown me as well. I would have offered to pay, of course, but it is awkward when only one person is paying on her own. That I would have sucked up.
I do agree with you that FMIL should have only said kind and nice things. It sets the tone.
|
|
|
Post by hennybutton on Oct 14, 2014 0:54:12 GMT
You know what I just noticed having re-read the OP. There is absolutely no mention of the bride's reaction to the FMIL's comments. I see that the MOB is upset and the sister put in her two cents worth about bridesmaid's dresses being the brides decision, but nothing about the bride's reactions. Is it possible that the FMIL bothered mom and sis more than she bothered the bride?
When it comes to the whole budget thing, it seems like the bride is being pushed by mom. I'm presuming the bride and groom are adults and can contribute financially to their own wedding if they want something that's out of budget. When my DD got married, she got a check, help and advice. She was allowed to budget the money we gave her for the wedding anyway she wanted. If she went over, she and her husband could pay for it.
|
|
|
Post by Zee on Oct 14, 2014 0:59:13 GMT
If I overspent $200 on a dress I never would have gone out lunch, I would have told everyone they can eat at home. You sound like a fun date
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Oct 14, 2014 1:05:24 GMT
I think it was nice of you to invite her along on the shopping trip. If she's there, I guess she's entitled to express some opinions, but if she's smart, she'll keep her opinions pretty low-key and certainly not suggest to you how you should spend your money. So clearly, it doesn't seem as though she behaved very well during the shopping. But I wouldn't expect her to be silent and offer no input whatsoever, either. About the lunch. I can tell you that under those circumstances, I never in a million years would expect her to pay for her lunch separately from ours. You had a group of half a dozen and you were thinking you'd pay for five of them and she'd pay for hers? I would expect to pay for the whole party or maybe my mom would pick up the check or maybe even the FMIL would offer (well, obviously she didn't). I wouldn't think it was weird that she didn't offer to pay for just hers ... it was clearly your party. On the other hand, I'd expect her to feed you and your family on some other occasion since you picked up the check this time. And maybe she's not good about that or can't afford to pick up the check for big groups, I don't know. I do know I wouldn't allow anyone to leave a $5 tip on an $80 check at any lunch I was hosting.
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on Oct 14, 2014 1:05:27 GMT
Hey, so, to let you know the other side of this. I married your son. My MiL had only sons. I included her in my dress shopping because she asked and I was trying to make a good impression. I had only met her a few times -- dh and I lived in a different city -- and we didn't know each other that well. She came and offered her very definite opinion about things without knowing anything about what I liked or why I might prefer one style to another. It was uncomfortable. People who have known you forever, like your own mother or your bridesmaids, both know what you like (because they remember your three off-the-shoulder prom dresses) and can pick up on your cues -- they know your "this is awesome" and "I don't know about this one" faces. I felt like I disappointed her in the dress I picked because she had been clear that she didn't like it.
I don't think I necessarily would have excluded her, but I do wish she had tried to figure out how to support me and make me happy, as that was really what buying a wedding dress was about. I imagine if she were helping her son with a similar decision, it would have been different.
|
|
TheOtherMeg
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,541
Jun 25, 2014 20:58:14 GMT
|
Post by TheOtherMeg on Oct 14, 2014 1:41:43 GMT
I have four sons. This summer my oldest got married to a woman we all adore, and now I have a daughter!
About a year ago, my then-FDIL and her mom & MOH invited me to go wedding dress shopping and out to lunch. We had a fabulous time. I'm so very thankful I got to experience all that.
Apparently, I didn't piss anyone off, as my TFDIL later took me shopping for the dresses (and shoes & such) I'd need for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. I have zero fashion sense and appreciated all the help! She did a wonderful job as my personal shopper and the outfits were perfect.
None of this would have happened if my DIL, her mom, and/or her friends had been warned off inviting me to join them. Please don't assume FMILs are bitches and never to be trusted and/or socialized with again based upon one outing, especially an outing as emotional and potentially nerve-wracking as wedding dress shopping.
|
|
|
Post by stacy71 on Oct 14, 2014 2:11:01 GMT
I kept reading this as f^<>ing mil and finally figured future mil. I think my first thoughts were right! Good luck!
|
|
|
Post by BeckyTech on Oct 14, 2014 3:14:37 GMT
I have no problem telling someone I am not going to pay over $X for something. If they argue or say something about it, I ask them if they are volunteering to pay the rest? If they get defensive, I have no problem telling them that they don't get to choose how I spend my money. When it comes to expenses for the wedding that you are paying for, you need to tell her this is the budget and you will stick to it or if you go over, then some other area of the budget will be reduced. Absolutely! I think it was the FMIL's cavalier remark telling the OP that "Oh, that's nothing -- you can do that!" regarding going $300 over budget on the wedding dress that set the tone for the problem she had with the woman in the first place. Certainly nothing that followed helped. Offering an opinion in this situation is okay, if it's low key (doesn't sound like it was) since she didn't really know the brides' tastes, but the real offense was attempting to spend someone else's money. That is definitely NOT okay, no matter what your relationship is. OP, eebud gives good advice here (and a great script) and even though neither you nor your daughter like confrontation, it is completely proper to set boundaries when other people are trying to spend your money. You know that saying "You teach people how to treat you." Now is the time to be teaching FMIL how to treat you and you need to speak up. Politely, of course.
|
|
tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
|
Post by tduby1 on Oct 14, 2014 10:11:37 GMT
Thank you all for your comments. DD wanted her to feel a part of the event so we asked her to come along, even knowing she can be very outspoken I really didn't think her "two cents worth" would be so vocal! Now I know and future appt. will only be with the bridesmaids and DD! This outing was my mom, oldest daughter, bride, one other bridesmaid (whose daughter will be the flower girl) and FMIL. I didn't expect my girls to pay, and knew that bridesmaid probably didn't have the $$. My Mom offered her share to me outside. I guess I would never go and just expect the other person to pay, but that is just She may not have went "expecting you to pay". However, when you said "one bill", around here that means the person speaking is offering to take responsibility for the bill. Honestly, I feel it was quite rude of you to go planning to pay *everyone BUT her bill, especially such a large party. You aren't upset that the bridesmaids obviously took the "one bill" to mean you were paying their meals, as none of them offered to pony up money. How was she supposed to know "one bill" meant one thing for her and something else for everyone else? Also, you seem to be complaining fmil isn't offering to pay for anything but what the knot says. Well, except those engagement pics. And that upsets you... Because you won't be in control of the cd! That poor woman can't win with you. I can actually see you being offended if she HAD offered you money for dinner because you were trying to be nice and she wouldn't let you. Honeslty, you come across kinda as *that fmil who has to be in control. I would step back.
|
|
tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
|
Post by tduby1 on Oct 14, 2014 10:30:39 GMT
I'm sorry, that may have come across harsher than I meant. I would just advise, for your daughters sake and fsil's sake,that you be the voice of positivity, not negatively towards his mom. Otherwise, if you wind your daughter up, you could cause unnecessary stress between her and her future husband. He know exactly how his mom is... He doesn't need to be reminded. It's his mom and I'd guess he loves her as much as your daughter loves you.
I love and adore my MIL. We get along beautifully. About 10 years ago she went through a life changing experience and began acting erratically, out of character and a little crazy. Any time I tried to vent to my mom she shut me down and tried to get me to see things from my mils view. She refused to be a part of the problem within the family. I will forever be thankful for that. I would be so upset if my DH spoke negatively about my mom and she made it very clear that she would not be a part of the reverse.
My mil is normal again and our relationship suffered none and a large part of that is my mom guided me with positivity.
I'm not saying this lady didn't sound a bit difficult but I do think you do, too. It can't be easy for either of you to let another "mom" figure in your child's life. Best of luck.
|
|
|
Post by Kelpea on Oct 14, 2014 10:32:14 GMT
I realize there are always two sides to every story. I would like to know how the FMIL felt about the outing...but also, I would not be happy if I were on a budget and another woman was throwing in her .02 about increasing dress pricing.
|
|
|
Post by pierkiss on Oct 14, 2014 11:00:07 GMT
drives me crazy because I won't have the CD - she will!!!!! I know all you scrappers get that! ----- Actually, the cd of pictures, (if the photographer provides one or it is an extra paid item that they opt for) will go to your daughter and her fiancé, not his mother even though she is paying/paid for it. You could probably ask to buy your own copy, or prints of your favorite poses.
|
|
|
Post by myboysnme on Oct 14, 2014 12:34:35 GMT
Yesterday I had a few harsh posts and today I would probably post the same thing but said differently. My son told me last night (hypothetically) that what the bride and her mom do is their business. So probably what I will do if I ever have the chance to be invited, is just decline the invite to go dress shopping. I would gush about being invited and how thoughtful but politely decline.
It is hard to let go of your adult child sometimes, and as the mother of boys, it is always in my mind that what the wife wants will override everything else, especially when it comes to her side of the family. I'd love to think it will be different, but that is up to my sons, not me. They would have to be the ones to include me unless I get a daughter in law with an inclusive heart. That is something I didn't have for my own mothers in law to the extent I could have.
|
|
|
Post by mommaho on Oct 14, 2014 12:45:05 GMT
Engagement pictures are being taken this coming weekend and I will ask for a copy of the CD and how much I owe for the CD. FMIL was trying to help out a friend whose daughter just started in the business which I think is great!
We are just two different personalities that wouldn't normally be friends but for our children.
|
|
MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,543
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
|
Post by MorningPerson on Oct 14, 2014 12:45:37 GMT
Yesterday I had a few harsh posts and today I would probably post the same thing but said differently. My son told me last night (hypothetically) that what the bride and her mom do is their business. So probably what I will do if I ever have the chance to be invited, is just decline the invite to go dress shopping. I would gush about being invited and how thoughtful but politely decline. It is hard to let go of your adult child sometimes, and as the mother of boys, it is always in my mind that what the wife wants will override everything else, especially when it comes to her side of the family. I'd love to think it will be different, but that is up to my sons, not me. They would have to be the ones to include me unless I get a daughter in law with an inclusive heart. That is something I didn't have for my own mothers in law to the extent I could have. I'm sorry that you assume the wife overrides the husband's wishes. In my experience I don't find that to be true. Not only in my own marriage, but in most of my family and friends. There needs to be mutual respect and compromise. Are there conflicts sometimes? Absolutely. But there is never an attitude of "the wife always wins." My opinion might by colored by the fact that I have wonderful relationship with my MIL. Not super close, but we love and respect each other. She probably leans to being overly sensitive to not interfering or giving unwanted opinions, which definitely helps. But I would expect that from any wife's parents also. In other words, it doesn't matter whether you're the mother of the husband or the wife, respect needs to be shown to the couple. Hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised at what a good relationship you will have with your future DILs.
|
|