tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,899
Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Oct 14, 2014 23:08:30 GMT
Are people really suggesting that the mother of the bride who has invited 5 additional people to accompany her and her daughter for shopping and lunch should really pick up the tab for 6 people and ask for the server to bring a separate check to the future MIL? Really? The OP is going to pay for herself, the bride, the bride's sister, the bride's friend, the bride's grandmother - but hey bring that old bat there her own check. Other than the one bridesmaid, the others are all family. It would not offend me in the least if separate checks were asked for in that situation - in fact, I would have insisted. But that's me.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Oct 14, 2014 23:17:14 GMT
As the mom to four boys and no daughters, this thread is making me very sad. I hope that I have at least one DIL that thinks to involve me in at least a little bit of wedding planning and doesn't just expect me to show up and shut up (and give her some money).
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Post by eebud on Oct 14, 2014 23:22:50 GMT
I'm not sure how the heck this came back around to me being cheap and insufferable? We have a budget for the wedding - funds are not unlimited. $300 over the budget for the dress is a big thing, but we did it because it is the dress she wanted. FMIL had no business to say Oh that's not Bad - it wasn't her money! Don't think I didn't fret over how I was going to make it all work before I signed the sales agreement. What I wasn't going to do was say No to the dress that made her cry when she walked out the dressing room door, along with the rest of us knowing that this was special and the one for her. I didn't invite everyone to lunch - we finished at 11:00 and everyone was hungry. There was a pub a few blocks down so we decided to go eat before we went on to David's Bridal, about a 30 minute drive away. I planned on paying for myself and two daughters, my Mom had already offered to help pay for lunch when we walked into the pub because she knew I was a little stressed about paying the extra for the dress. Everyone heard the waitress ask how many checks and there was silence so I said one figuring that we would settle it at the end of the meal. The other bridesmaid could have paid but didn't offer. She is also the mother of the Flower Girl and asked my DD if I was going to pay for her daughter's dress. My mom handed me money to help and FMIL offered $5 tip - the bill was $83 and so I told her No thanks, I had already added it to the check. Yes - it ticked me off - but I know my response didn't sound that way. Please read everything I've posted before you judge me, or just call me what you want if it makes you feel better about how you would handle the situation. Thanks to those of you who posted positive comments, you gave me a lot to think about. I'm sorry that people were saying that. I know I didn't think you were insufferable or cheap. Budgets are important when it comes to weddings and I don't blame you for wanting to stick to it. This might be the time that you have to learn to be more forceful. Here's a tip for future restaurant stops. If I am with a group, I will ask the waitress for separate tickets. For one thing, it easily allows me to pay with my credit card because most of the time, I have very little cash. But, it also keeps me from getting stuck with everyone's bill. I will then as discretely as I can, get the bill for those that I planned to covered such as my DS and for his, along with mine, with my credit card. By asking for separate checks up front, I think it is clear that you are not paying for everyone. Good luck with the rest of the wedding planning. Planning events can be a lot of fun. Learn to deal with these money issues now so that you don't get the fun sucked out of you. You want to be able to enjoy this time with your DD.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Oct 14, 2014 23:50:18 GMT
Thank you all for your comments. DD wanted her to feel a part of the event so we asked her to come along, even knowing she can be very outspoken I really didn't think her "two cents worth" would be so vocal! Now I know and future appt. will only be with the bridesmaids and DD! This outing was my mom, oldest daughter, bride, one other bridesmaid (whose daughter will be the flower girl) and FMIL. I didn't expect my girls to pay, and knew that bridesmaid probably didn't have the $$. My Mom offered her share to me outside. I guess I would never go and just expect the other person to pay, but that is just me. When FSIL first proposed FMIL said they would be willing to help and knew there was a list of who should pay for what so they will take care of what they were supposed to take care of. So basically - they are taking care of whatever The Knot says they should pay and that will be it. Except, she offered to use a friends daughter who was just getting started do the engagement pictures which is a grand total of $85.00. Which ok - drives me crazy because I won't have the CD - she will!!!!! I know all you scrappers get that! I wasn't expecting them to pay for anything more than the Grooms Family is supposed to take care of - I just really didn't expect her to be telling me or DD how much we should be spending if that makes sense! Thanks for letting me vent . . . FSIL makes our DD happy (we are still getting used to him!)- and that is all that counts in the grand scheme of things! I do need to speak up for myself more but I hate confrontation! I agree that she shouldn't have commented about the budget unless she was willing to pay the extra for your DD's dream dress. As for the pics....she is paying someone $85 total for photos? That is really cheap. I would either be thrilled that she found such a great deal and is taking that (normally) huge expense off my hands, or I would be concerned about the quality of the photos that may be taken. If your DD is happy with the photographer's portfolio, I would just ask for a second CD and order photos to my heart's content since I was saving so much money over using a different photographer.
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Post by *leslie* on Oct 15, 2014 2:37:39 GMT
As a mother of two sons, as far as their weddings are concern, I will sit back and do what I'm asked or told (within reason), be positive, give support, keep my mouth shut and enjoy myself. The wedding is not about the parents. It's about the kids and what they want. I already had my big wedding.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Oct 15, 2014 4:14:23 GMT
As a mother of two sons, as far as their weddings are concern, I will sit back and do what I'm asked or told (within reason), be positive, give support, keep my mouth shut and enjoy myself. The wedding is not about the parents. It's about the kids and what they want. I already had my big wedding. I do recognize that when my kids get married, it isn't my place to live vicariously through them in regards to planning their wedding. However, I do see weddings as a joining of families rather than just a day (or year of preparation?) that is all about the bride. What bugs me the most about several posts that I have read today is that it seems that the groom's family/MIL is not important at all and should just be left out completely since surely they will make things more difficult or less special. That is not aimed at the OP per se, but many of the other posts that have followed regarding inviting MIL's to participate in wedding preparation.
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Post by epeanymous on Oct 15, 2014 4:23:14 GMT
The wedding isn't all about the bride. Her dress really kind of is, however (within reason as indicated by the budget).
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Post by *leslie* on Oct 15, 2014 15:29:24 GMT
As a mother of two sons, as far as their weddings are concern, I will sit back and do what I'm asked or told (within reason), be positive, give support, keep my mouth shut and enjoy myself. The wedding is not about the parents. It's about the kids and what they want. I already had my big wedding. I do recognize that when my kids get married, it isn't my place to live vicariously through them in regards to planning their wedding. However, I do see weddings as a joining of families rather than just a day (or year of preparation?) that is all about the bride. What bugs me the most about several posts that I have read today is that it seems that the groom's family/MIL is not important at all and should just be left out completely since surely they will make things more difficult or less special. That is not aimed at the OP per se, but many of the other posts that have followed regarding inviting MIL's to participate in wedding preparation. Personally, I think the wedding should be planned by the Bride AND the Groom. Both sets of parents really should stay out of it. If the parents are helping to pay, then they give the Bride and Groom an amount they will provide and that's it. In my experience the best weddings I've attended have been when it's clear the Bride and Groom have made their day exactly how they want it.
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Post by mommaho on Oct 15, 2014 15:34:08 GMT
I wish they would have accepted that offer as we gave them that choice originally, but then look at this great conversation we would have all missed!
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 15, 2014 15:35:02 GMT
I do recognize that when my kids get married, it isn't my place to live vicariously through them in regards to planning their wedding. However, I do see weddings as a joining of families rather than just a day (or year of preparation?) that is all about the bride. What bugs me the most about several posts that I have read today is that it seems that the groom's family/MIL is not important at all and should just be left out completely since surely they will make things more difficult or less special. That is not aimed at the OP per se, but many of the other posts that have followed regarding inviting MIL's to participate in wedding preparation. Personally, I think the wedding should be planned by the Bride AND the Groom. Both sets of parents really should stay out of it. If the parents are helping to pay, then they give the Bride and Groom an amount they will provide and that's it. In my experience the best weddings I've attended have been when it's clear the Bride and Groom have made their day exactly how they want it. I have to agree. It's really not the parent's place to get deeply involved (though I don't consider shopping being deeply involved... that's more of a come along and have fun but the bride gets the final say). I expect little to no major input from my parents or the groom's parents when we plan. It's not their day, it's ours. I really can't think of anything that they could demand that I would go along with. Contribute opinions or suggestions when asked, great. But to actually plan... no way. Particularly if they want to add people to the guest list that I have never met (I'm hearing too much lately about couples being bullied to have people at their wedding that they've never met because their parents want them there and I think that's just wrong. Again, not the parent's day.)
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Post by jeremysgirl on Oct 15, 2014 16:16:13 GMT
I wish they would have accepted that offer as we gave them that choice originally, but then look at this great conversation we would have all missed! You are being a pretty good sport! I would have asked for separate checks. I always do that when I am expecting everyone to pay for themselves. I think she probably wasn't real clear on this one.
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Post by maryland on Oct 15, 2014 17:09:55 GMT
Is she paying for half of the wedding? She should never skip on her son's wedding! I hope your son in law invites your husband to help with the tuxes!
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Post by ilikepink on Oct 15, 2014 17:13:32 GMT
This has been fun to read!
As the mother of 3 boys, I would be honored to be included. One of mine has a long-term gf and hopefully wedding bells are in the future. Love her, and if I were to be included in the shopping trip, I know enough to sit in the back, nod appreciatively, and just enjoy the moment. I never considered asking either of my MILs along. As it was with the first MIL what she did say/do/suggest/want/demand about the wedding was enough--including her with the dress would have been it's own nightmare.
While I see that $300 over budget for one item can be problematic, when it is the right dress (or anything else for our kids), there really is no way to say no--as moms, we always suck it up and find a way to make it work.
OP, may the rest of the journey for all of you be easier!
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Oct 15, 2014 18:18:44 GMT
I wish they would have accepted that offer as we gave them that choice originally, but then look at this great conversation we would have all missed! Yes, I do believe that the bride & groom should be the ones to handle the finances for their wedding.
After all, if they are mature enough to get married, then learning to budget the wedding finances is a great way to start. This will allow the bride to pick out the dress and then have Her & Groom make the decision where to cut $300.00 that went over-budget towards the dress. Financial planning is one of the hardest thing to learn together as a couple.
To the OP, I would strongly encourage you to have a dinner or some kind of gathering, that includes the bride, groom and his parents.
Tradition was that the Bride's family invite the groom's family for dinner and then get to know each other (if they hadn't met before). My ds & ddil chose a family restaurant as there was a distance involved. We didn't mind driving to meet them. It was a nice restaurant and then we went to ddil's apartment to discuss stuff. While her mom didn't think that home-made invitations was the way to go, ddil knew that I had made invitations professionally. Ddil also knew that I had access to wholesale pricing (through my business at the time) and that this would be a great savings. Her mom was an excellent seamstress and made all 3 bridesmaids dresses for $150.00 total. She also made the flower girl's dress.
She did pass by the invitation mock-up to her mom, and her mom was impressed. The couple chose the reception site and the food was simply amazing.
Focus on what is important - for us it was the food and the flowers, and then go accordingly.
We saved a lot of money by waiting until after Christmas, when the ribbon & stuff was on sale. We got the navy blue and silver accessories at almost 80-90% off at J's, M's & other places.
Walmart (of all places) had the navy napkins on sale for less than what we could rent them for. We purchased enough fabric napkins and I re-sewed table clothes for the table centres.
The guys ended up buying suits, rather than renting tuxes as the one store had a "buy one, get on free" deal. With only groom & bestman & 2 attendants, this made a lot of sense and all the guys could use a new suit.
I was truly fortunate to have a bride who included me (FMIL). She did go and buy the dress with her sister and she & mom picked out the patterns for the bridesmaids and ds & friends picked out their suits. She did go with her mom to pick out flowers and as a couple picked out the reception, menu & wedding service details.
I was told what colour of dress the MOB was wearing and was told that a soft yellow would work out the best for the pictures. I really never have worn yellow, but I found a great dress with a matching bolero jacket that was perfect.
Again, enjoy the entire process - from the smiles to the biting of your inner lip.
Thanks for sharing your "vent". What a wonderful thread this has turned into.
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Post by mommaho on Oct 15, 2014 19:47:21 GMT
We have had DD, FSIL and FINs over for dinner on three different occasions over the past year. DD and FSIL are here at least once a month to visit or for dinner as well. DD and FSIL also go to FINs several times a month and FMIL always makes some amazing gourmet dinners from what DD has told me. They have not invited us to their house.
We (collectively) have had conversations about the wedding, the kids picked out the reception location, food and church location. They have talked about what they want and don't want and I took mental notes. She will choose her flowers, bridesmaid dresses, decorations at the reception and whatever else is needed. FSIL just said let him help pick out the music for the reception and tell him what color to wear and he will show up and have a grand time! FMIL told him he WILL wear a tuxedo - DD wanted something more simple and is having FSIL work on that one. FMIL told DD she needed a Blusher Veil, DD told her that she didn't want that thing hanging in her face. FMIL looked at me for support and I just said "it's what she wants and I'm fine with that".
So maybe it is generational as DH and I are about 7+ years older and very easy going. There will always be people in our lives that want to be 'in charge'.
To hopefully put this thread to bed I'll finish with one of my favorite thoughts: It's a Journey. No one is ahead of you or behind you. You are not more advanced or less enlightened. You are exactly where you need to be. It's not a contest, It's Life.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 13:33:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2014 20:24:44 GMT
I don't have a daughter, but if the time comes when I'm fortunate enough to be a FMIL and I'm fortunate enough to be invited to my future DIL's wedding dress shopping, you can bet the only thing coming out of my mouth is "If you love it, I love it". I think I've watched too many "Say Yes to the Dress" episodes.
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Post by ladytrisha on Oct 15, 2014 20:41:47 GMT
Yup. Don't feel awkward, don't feel embarassed. It's simple to just tell the server what you want.
And I totally agree with a meet and greet to talk about responsibilities - ABSOLUTELY. You can explain "this is our budget" and start listing things and responsibilities. You'll find out quickly if they're just happy blowing smoke and spending your money or if they're willing to spend some on a few things.
I honestly had hope we'd moved forward beyond the "bride's family pays for 80%, groom's family pays 20%" .. and my kid will (hopefully) one day be a groom! I'd be the one opting to split the reception, rehearsal, etc.
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Post by magentapea on Oct 15, 2014 23:31:25 GMT
I wonder if the reason she only offered $5 was that was all the cash she had on her. I know I've gone places with very little cash on hand, because I planned on using my credit card.
Lisa
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