Helpful Advice Desired - I'm the mother of the groom

My MIL always quoted the old adage "The mother of the Groom is supposed to wear beige and keep her mouth shut."

It is a family joke because she couldn't keep her mouth shut to save her life. She was the mother of boys so I included her in much of the planning and shopping. From the day we were married she always introduced me as her daughter.

Congratulations on the upcoming wedding. Hopefully it will be drama free.

My only advice is to just look at YOUR budget and give the couple a one lump sum that you can afford and tell them that is it. They can use it towards whatever wedding expense they want, but not to keep asking, it could nickle and dime you to death otherwise.

Wear beige, shut up. LOL

I asked for approval for all clothing choices before I bought them. I hosted and/or attended a wedding shower. I paid for the photographer for both weddings because I wanted a say in how that went down. Other than that, I just let them do whatever they wanted and stayed out of it.
I did have to keep reminding my older that he needed to get on it. His wife really wasn't super into planning so he did most of it himself. I had to keep telling him that with a June wedding, all the good stuff was going to be gone. He didn't believe me (mom, the photographer) until he was forced to believe me.

  That is exactly what we did...worked well.

I would talk with the couple about what type of wedding they want to have, how many guests, who is invited from each family, etc. I would also come up with an amount and stick to that. That being said, I would be curious why an engagement party is necessary if they are also asking for more money for the wedding. It kind of rubs me the wrong way that it seems the expectation is that the groom and his family are now expected to pay for the wedding but have no say in how that money is to be used, or in any part of the planning like the bride's parents would.

Depending on her colors, wait until Dec 26th to buy the ribbons & stuff as most of the stuff goes to 75% or less.

Use each and every coupon from Hobby Lobby. Joanns, Michaels & AC Moore.

Use the coupons to buy full bolts of tulle and other stuff.

I feel that any money you give them is a gift - to spend as they chose. Hopefully they will make wise decisions. My dd's wedding was pretty expensive and she made pretty good decisions. She is an event planner, so she has great taste and got some deals on flowers, etc. She asked for my opinion, gave me some jobs to do - I lettered some chalkboards, etc. When I told her I wasn't happy that I couldn't invite some additional friends, she told me that she cut her list and named some friends she wasn't inviting and I decided that she was right - the wedding was about her and her dh, not about me and my friends!

My ds is getting married next year in the state he lives in. His fiancee's parents are not contributing at all (gave her option of paying for college or wedding - she smartly picked college). They smartly are not having a wedding party because it is too hard to chose who to stand up, but this also saves on flowers, bridal party gifts, etc. DH and I have decided to up our gift to them because of the fact that fiancee's parents are not contributing. We will pay for a get-together the night before - no need for rehearsal "dinner" for everyone that is in from out of town. Not having much of a say, but again, they are using the money very wisely, so I'm happy about that.

Also - I bought my dress already. No wedding party colors, so that was easy. I bought a navy blue dress and showed ds and it was approved.  I'm usually a rule follower with etiquette, but the rule about letting MOB buy her dress first is silly.  

Oooh that would NOT fly in my family. I know, because my mom had to tell my brother that there were some people that had to be invited, even if it meant a bigger wedding than they had planned for. And yes, Mom & Dad paid for the extra people. 

From my perspective long ago as a bride and much more recently as the MOB, my advice, generally for MOB and MOG:

1. Be very clear about expectations such as -- money available from you, what it will be used for, duties you are expected to shoulder, how many people you get to invite, your dress, when to show up.

2. Do not make assumptions based on "how things are done in MY family." Don't assume ANYTHING you think of as the "norm" for a wedding is the norm for this wedding. Different families, different religious aspects (or no religious aspects), different times, different trends. Plus blending the needs and desires of different families requires compromise -- no one gets everything they want and that reality needs to be accepted by everyone. Talk through the wedding day several times to make sure everything is clear.

3. If something is important to you, speak up SOON. And if you forget to bring it up until it is too late to do anything about it, don't act like everyone is out to get you and ruin your day. (After all, it is not your day, it is the bride and groom's day.)

4. If you agree to do something, such as host the rehearsal meal, then it IS on you to do the planning and paying for it.

5. Keep in mind that weddings, for better or worse, are big deals to people, especially brides. How you treat her and her family leading up to and on that day, can have a long-lasting impact on the relationships.

6. And I am sure you would never do this, but do not say anything negative about the bride's gown to her or anyone else. Don't like it,  who cares?