StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,692
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Nov 24, 2019 2:56:38 GMT
I feel like the biggest asshole right now.
I have a cousin who's son and wife have a 2 year old that is in foster care due to their addiction and I'm sure a few other things but you never get the full story.
Anyway, they were working towards reunification and we are happy to support them in their sobriety. To a point. A few weeks ago i got a frantic facebook message from the child's mother asking if I would talk to the social worker and consider 'taking him'
I agreed to a conversation because I thought they were looking for someone for supervised visits and whatnot but they meant 'can you take custody" we've been playing phone tag since, but they're definitely looking for someone to parent. Actually, I think they're looking for someone to raise their child while they make parenting choices and visit whenever they want.
I talked to my aunt today and she is heartbroken, but almost 70 so she cant take him. I have another cousin but he has a 3 year old and a 2 year old and hasn't spoken to the childs father in years. If a relationship with the parents wasn't a factor they might be willing but I just don't see someone signing up for 16+ years of drama with the parents and my cousin.
They've called everyone and mom has no one on her side of the family that can pass a drug test or that doesn't have domestic violence or child abuse charge (yes, seriously. Wtf?!?)
Apparently we are the best candidates. That blows my mind.
My sister is the only other option but she is out of state so she's not really an option at all. I believe that what they're hearing is that unless they find a suitable family member to adopt he will be placed for permanent adoption and they'll never see him again.
My husband just turned 50 and were empty nesters this year. A two year old. Whew.
I literally cant wrap my mind around how our schedules would work.
My cousin is adopted and is a fascinating argument for nature vs nurture. She is a lot, her son is a lot, and I fear that the baby will have the same issues. It's a LOT. Just drama, communication style, etc not genuine special needs.
Part of my heart breaks that he won't know our family but then a bigger part of me thinks he would be better off to be removed from the influence of his parents and grandparent.
What the heck would we do with a 2 year old?
I think I feel like a jerk because if God forbid it were needed I would take my siblings kids in in a second, I wouldn't even need to call my husband, it would just happen.
His current foster family just adopted a child and cant keep him so no matter what, he will be uprooted.
Argh.
I want to call them and tell them I'm taking their kid and were loving out of state in less than a year.
I swore I would get better at saying no this year. It's TRUE that the universe challenges you when you're trying to grow. L
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Post by Delta Dawn on Nov 24, 2019 2:59:44 GMT
What if you did take him? He could be part of your future and you his. What if you were his safe place to land?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 19:26:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2019 3:00:40 GMT
I feel like the biggest asshole right now. I have a cousin who's son and wife have a 2 year old that is in foster care due to their addiction and I'm sure a few other things but you never get the full story. Anyway, they were working towards reunification and we are happy to support them in their sobriety. To a point. A few weeks ago i got a frantic facebook message from the child's mother asking if I would talk to the social worker and consider 'taking him' I agreed to a conversation because I thought they were looking for someone for supervised visits and whatnot but they meant 'can you take custody" we've been playing phone tag since, but they're definitely looking for someone to parent. Actually, I think they're looking for someone to raise their child while they make parenting choices and visit whenever they want. I talked to my aunt today and she is heartbroken, but almost 70 so she cant take him. I have another cousin but he has a 3 year old and a 2 year old and hasn't spoken to the childs father in years. If a relationship with the parents wasn't a factor they might be willing but I just don't see someone signing up for 16+ years of drama with the parents and my cousin. They've called everyone and mom has no one on her side of the family that can pass a drug test or that doesn't have domestic violence or child abuse charge (yes, seriously. Wtf?!?) Apparently we are the best candidates. That blows my mind. My sister is the only other option but she is out of state so she's not really an option at all. I believe that what they're hearing is that unless they find a suitable family member to adopt he will be placed for permanent adoption and they'll never see him again. My husband just turned 50 and were empty nesters this year. A two year old. Whew. I literally cant wrap my mind around how our schedules would work. My cousin is adopted and is a fascinating argument for nature vs nurture. She is a lot, her son is a lot, and I fear that the baby will have the same issues. It's a LOT. Just drama, communication style, etc not genuine special needs. Part of my heart breaks that he won't know our family but then a bigger part of me thinks he would be better off to be removed from the influence of his parents and grandparent. What the heck would we do with a 2 year old? I think I feel like a jerk because if God forbid it were needed I would take my siblings kids in in a second, I wouldn't even need to call my husband, it would just happen. His current foster family just adopted a child and cant keep him so no matter what, he will be uprooted. Argh. I want to call them and tell them I'm taking their kid and were loving out of state in less than a year. I swore I would get better at saying no this year. It's TRUE that the universe challenges you when you're trying to grow. L YOU ARE NOT AN ASS for recognizing your limitations!! Yes, it is sad a child won't know the extended family BUT, he will end up in a good home with its own extended family ready to love him. And if you take him, you get him AND his parents too because they will know you have him. Their drama will spill into your life. Say a prayer and let him go to a young couple wanting to adopt a toddler.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Nov 24, 2019 3:03:06 GMT
I see why you'd be torn. I would go with nope. Given the things you shared, wouldn't it be best for the kid to be in a stable family AWAY from them?
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Post by mustlovecats on Nov 24, 2019 3:05:10 GMT
If my husband’s sister and her meth head husband lost custody of their 2yo, I wouldn’t take him. I’m not in a position to start over. It’s more need than I personally can handle. I know this. I’m not the right person to do this, I don’t have the capacity.
If you feel that’s true for you too, then you’re not an asshole, you’re a realistic person making the right choice for you. If you decide that’s not true for you and you decide to take custody of this child, you’re a generous person with a lot of capacity. The right decision for you is the right decision.
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Post by candleangie on Nov 24, 2019 3:05:18 GMT
I’m gonna say this in caps so you can hear me in the back row.
ITS OKAY TO SAY NO.
It is. It really truly is okay and it doesn’t make you any kind of asshole or bad person.
And if the situation has become so bad that the state wants to sever his connection with both of his parents, then let. it. happen. Reunification is ALWAYS the goal. And if it’s gone so far that it’s not an option, this is NOT drama you should be signing on for or subjecting him to. And because they’re family, there’s no way you would be able to shake his parents enough for him to have a reasonably calm childhood.
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Post by MZF on Nov 24, 2019 3:12:20 GMT
It's ok to say no, it really is. Especially with what you've shared here about his parents. I'd be reluctant to become involved with them. If, heaven forbid, anything happened to my kids, I would take their kids, but they are the only ones I could do it for at this point in my life.
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Post by jemmls4 on Nov 24, 2019 3:13:22 GMT
I understand your first feelings of thinking you’re an asshole, but you’re not. This is huge, absolutely life-altering. It would be one thing if it was “hey can he stay with you for a week”, but at a minimum you’re signing up for 16 years of parenting.
You have valid reasons to be concerned about this. As many before have said, “it’s OK to say no” and I think if you have any reservation at all that this is something you are not able and comfortable to do, then no is the right answer.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Nov 24, 2019 3:15:17 GMT
How close is the county to terminating parental rights?
If you do decide to take him, think about what the arrangements would be. What stipulations would you have on visitation, etc? How often do you see the parents? What is your relationship with them like?
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Post by Skellinton on Nov 24, 2019 3:23:33 GMT
It think it might be in the best interests of this child to be removed from all contact with his “parents”, which would never happen if you took him. Imagine the turmoil, chaos, and confusion of this poor child having these people whisking in and out of his life,
As heartbreaking as it is this child is probably better off far away from these people.
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 24, 2019 3:23:55 GMT
YOU ARE NOT AN ASS for recognizing your limitations!! Yes, it is sad a child won't know the extended family BUT, he will end up in a good home with its own extended family ready to love him. And if you take him, you get him AND his parents too because they will know you have him. Their drama will spill into your life. Say a prayer and let him go to a young couple wanting to adopt a toddler. I can believe you are the best candidates among the extended family to take him in, but that doesn't mean it is the best option for you or for this child.
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Post by roberta on Nov 24, 2019 3:24:56 GMT
It is ok to say no.
If you WANT to do this talk to the social workers about your concerns of the parents interfering in the future.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Nov 24, 2019 3:27:06 GMT
You have to do what your heart and head tell you. It’s important to weigh sides equally. Your heart can tell you, it’s a baby that needs a loving home. You have a loving home to offer. Your head says I’ve raised kids already, and it is hard work. I’m older now. That offers both pluses and minuses. You are wiser, more mature, in a better place financially, have a stable marriage. You are also older now. That includes less energy, existing plans for your empty nest, freedom to come and go at a moment’s notice. You will be torn no matter what you choose.
Your husband knows you the best. He will be your best guide. Of course, how he feels either way will also be a deciding factor.
Neither decision is right or wrong. I wish you clarity to know what is right for you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 19:26:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2019 3:29:46 GMT
You have three other children to think of no matter whether they are in your home or are not. The drama and conflict that it sounds like this child's family will bring into your life very well could negatively affect your boys. You have to decide if the positive of taking on this child has more pros or cons to your family or not. This child isn't the only one in the equation. Is there anyone in social services that is involved that can tell you with more certainty what might happen to him? Because adopting him outside of the family into a loving home does not seem like a negative in this case.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Nov 24, 2019 3:32:42 GMT
Do NOT feel guilty about saying no. It’s not just starting over at this phase in your life, it’s taking on all that baggage of the family. That will be challenging. This might be a needed fresh start for this child. He could find a good family and break the cycle. Good luck, I’m sure this is very stressful for you.
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,692
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Nov 24, 2019 3:38:18 GMT
We are a hard no, I'm just struggling with it today because we spent the afternoon with him at a birthday party. In going to talk to the caseworker this week to see how we can be helpful but were a hard no on permanent placement.
I tried to wrap my brain around it today but even thinking about the last 30 says and to the end of the year I can't even fathom how I would fit a non verbal toddler in.
I know were making the right call, I just need it to be over. Im getting dozens of texts each day asking if we are going to 'take him'.
I know it's not a bad decision but that sure doesn't make it any easier.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Nov 24, 2019 3:42:24 GMT
It is okay to say no.
In fact, i dare say that it is so much better to say no, if your answer is not a screaming, jumping up & down YES!
Because that is what that little boy deserves.
He deserved it two years ago, when his parents brought him into this world but for whatever reason have been unable to provide the stable life he needs.
But he could still have it. Still have a do over.
Many couples who could provide a stable, happy life, centered around him, with opportunities for a successful future, would give a big shouting YES to raising this sweet two year old boy.
And at two, he is still growing, learning, being shaped and molded. He can still have a good life.
But the chance of his birth parents wanting and needing to dip in and out of it would jeopardize his chances of living a stable, successful life.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 19:26:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2019 3:45:09 GMT
We are a hard no, I'm just struggling with it today because we spent the afternoon with him at a birthday party. In going to talk to the caseworker this week to see how we can be helpful but were a hard no on permanent placement. I tried to wrap my brain around it today but even thinking about the last 30 says and to the end of the year I can't even fathom how I would fit a non verbal toddler in. I know were making the right call, I just need it to be over. Im getting dozens of texts each day asking if we are going to 'take him'. I know it's not a bad decision but that sure doesn't make it any easier. If they had a child and couldn't get their shit together, it's not your fault. You don't need to do any more than simply say *It isn't possible for us to do that.* You don't owe an explanation as to why.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Nov 24, 2019 3:54:47 GMT
Seems I type too slow, but I am going to leave my original answer below. StephDRebelNo way an ass whatever you decide to do! Tough decisions. Do you really want to deal with his parents for ever? You work irregular hours, go at the drop of a hat, all over the country and farther! Your DH has had some health issues to consider. You're a great mom! Your boys are doing well. Yes you could do it all over again now.... but consider how soon, or not, you will be grandma. Remember the advantage of being a grandma, you will be able to send them home. And your 'new' house has how many bedrooms? The house you just spent how many hours fixing up?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 19:26:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2019 4:07:33 GMT
That child needs to be far away from birth parents as he can get.
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Post by lucyg on Nov 24, 2019 4:42:21 GMT
Let him go to a family that is eager to have a child, and will keep him away from all the crazy in his birth family.
Enjoy your empty nest. You’ve earned it.
I took in my own grandson at age 3, and I’m happy to have him. There is no way in hell I’d take my cousin’s grandchild. There are limits to what any of us can do.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,092
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Nov 24, 2019 5:12:21 GMT
I know someone who had been married a whopping four months when they were asked to take in FOUR children of a cousin when the baby tested positive for drugs.
They took them in. Became a family of six as newlyweds. I doubt the kids had much contact with natural parents, however.
They saved those kids. Wonderful parents.
You may not be the one to take him.
Or maybe you will.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Nov 24, 2019 5:27:10 GMT
You would be a WONDERFUL mother to this child. If you take him you might at some point wish you hadn't. But if you walk away and things don't go right for him you will always feel you should have stepped up.
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,423
Jun 26, 2014 12:50:12 GMT
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Post by theshyone on Nov 24, 2019 5:39:26 GMT
I had to make this decision a few years ago, except with my great nephew, and I knew him. It was heartbreaking. But it was the best thing for him. And then the next two that were taken as well and were offered to me as addicted babies with fas. I turned them down to. They were adopted by the same family at different times and are being raised together. I knew I couldn’t have raised three babies with special needs, long term outlook unknown,
Do what’s right for you.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Nov 24, 2019 7:44:57 GMT
You would be a WONDERFUL mother to this child. If you take him you might at some point wish you hadn't. But if you walk away and things don't go right for him you will always feel you should have stepped up. I agree with this, StephDRebel - I can't help feeling like you are meant to do this. Now that said - if it were me, I'd do what a friend did... she still ensured the birth parents were cut off from any contact from the child. And she cut off contact with them, too. Almost had to cut off a few other family members, but they accepted the rules rather than risk losing access to the child.
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Post by nlwilkins on Nov 24, 2019 8:18:26 GMT
Stop the calling, don't talk to the social worker. You are just leaving the door open when you have said you are at a hard no right now. Next text you get, send back a definite no. The situation needs an answer so the social worker can move on to finding a great home for the child. Let the social worker do her job and leave her to it.
I know this sounds cold. But, it is for the best for the child. If you really care what happens to the child, you want what is best. Giving hope where it should not be expected is not best for the child as the mother and social worker might take that as reason to stall and try to give you time to change your mind.
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Post by epeanymous on Nov 24, 2019 13:33:25 GMT
You probably know this, but in seriousness, if you are firm about not taking the child in, you may need to ghost the parents for a while. People with substance use disorders are very persistent when they are desperate.
I am sorry for your position. My kids are all still at home and the youngest is four, and I would still be really reluctant to take in a child who might bounce in and out of my home and came with the family pressures you describe. I have a student who has ended up in a custody battle under related circumstances, and a lot of family members are pretty upset with each other.
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lindab
Junior Member
Posts: 67
Jan 28, 2016 12:42:28 GMT
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Post by lindab on Nov 24, 2019 13:36:14 GMT
Oh boy...this is a tough one. Where is your husband at on this decision? Definitely a life-changer if you take the child. It sounds exhausting to me as an empty-nester. At some point, it would be natural for you to resent the drama and limitations on your freedom...the resentment would never be directed toward the child but you would hate for him to pick up on it. Any chance you can direct a little energy into helping the parents get clean? It's possible and help is available. I keep thinking about a nice young family that desperately wants a child. They are ready, able and desiring. Possibly this would be the best option if parents can't raise this child. There is no guilt in saying no. The decision to say no might not be coming from the place of you refusing to take this child in as much as what's ultimately best for the child longterm. If I was your best friend and in this exact situation, what advice would you give me?
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,792
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Nov 24, 2019 13:48:31 GMT
You should not feel guilty for evaluating the entire situation and saying no. The little boy is young enough to bond with a stable family who wants him, without a lifetime of stress and trauma caused by a continued relationship with his parents. You know they will not go away if you take him.
My brother in law and his wife are facing the same thing with her single Dad son's 5 year old boy. Dad is bipolar, off his meds and they are both living with my BIL, but the state is saying he is not able to care for his son and either wants them to take him or send him to foster care. Child is 5, has been diagnosed as Autistic, is not potty trained and still in daycare. Mother of child is not in the picture, has been in jail for drugs. BIL and wife have raised five boys together, one of whom died from drugs, and another who is estranged from them. They are in their 60's, he is retired, and does not want to raise another child. She cannot bear the thought of Grandbaby going to a foster family. I don't know what they will do, their marriage is falling apart, and I can't imagine being in their shoes.
Hugs, it is so hard....
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Post by phoenixcov on Nov 24, 2019 13:55:03 GMT
Do not be guilt tripped into taking on this child. The problems of all the adults concerned do not matter...it is the welfare of the toddler that should be the only concern. I was a Foster carer for teens when I was a lone parent of a 9 year old. The parents resented me for being able to care for their child when they either could not or would not. They tried all ways to interfere and break up the placement. With the parents being your family this could turn into a nightmare for all concerned. This child needs to be adopted by a loving family and all ties to his birth parents severed. Good luck
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