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Post by mustlovecats on Nov 25, 2019 0:16:03 GMT
I would agree with you if they had brought this child into the world, but they did not. Their concern needs to be the needs of their immediate family: OP, husband and their own kids. I doubt that you take on the needs of every needy child out there. I say the needs of the child because I believe the needs of the child are best met by being adopted by an outside party where the “parents” no longer have access. I wondered if this is what you meant. I was going to argue that what the child likely needs is a stable, solid, normal family as far as possible away from addiction and other problems. It seems to me that the OP can provide the first part but not the last part due to family connections. I recently made the choice to place my father in care following strokes number eleven and twelve (that we can see on imaging). Sometimes the painful choice to let someone else care for a loved one is the better choice. Hard and sad when we cannot do it ourselves but sometimes we do what we must because logic outweighs sentiment, I believe it may do so in this situation also. |
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Post by Scrapper100 on Nov 25, 2019 0:39:31 GMT
He is still really young and more likely to be adopted since he is younger. It would also be better to be far away from his birth parents. If you took him in they would continue to try and be in your life and that wouldn't be what is best for this little boy. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. At 50 I can't even imagine starting over. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you and from the sounds of it letting this little boy get away from his birth family and into a loving home is what will be best for him. Sorry you are in this situation though.
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Post by camanddanismom on Nov 25, 2019 0:59:15 GMT
You are not an ass hole!! I honestly think you would be doing that child an enormous favor! His parents will still ruin his life and yours over time. They are likely never going to change. If they haven’t been able to do it to get him back themselves now, they likely never will. You will always be in the middle. You are their easy way out.
You are not being selfish and it is okay to say no. It is too complicated and likely to be too messy.
Starting fresh gives him a choice for better life.
This comes partly from experience. I was given to my aunt (mother’s sister) at age 5. My life was complicated. I was always torn and my loyalties tested my entire life.
Good luck. This is certainly a tricky spot to be in.
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456 
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Post by sassyangel on Nov 25, 2019 1:33:47 GMT
Wow, I can’t even believe there are people thinking along the vein of “you were meant to do this” WTH?
I would never make that call for someone else, or guilt them like this. Ugh
You are not an asshole. At all. Don’t let anyone guilt you out of your hard no, including yourself. It is ok to say no.
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Post by stormycat on Nov 25, 2019 1:48:59 GMT
I’ll chine in as a Foster parent. If you aren’t ready or able to be fully committed to this child and his physical, medical and emotional needs then it’s all right to say no. Until parental rights are terminated through the court, there will be a ton of turmoil, heartbreak and ultimately the goal is always reunification, so there’s that.
I am 46 and and have 2 step kids 26 and 29, 2 bio kids 25 and 12, then my 2 babies a 3 yr old and 2 yr old brothers who we adopted from foster care. We have also fostered 3 others and a new 2 yr old is coming here tomorrow for who knows how long.
It is by far the hardest thing and most rewarding thing I have ever done.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:23:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2019 2:58:46 GMT
Steph,
I do really believe you would be an awesome mom( again) !
But you will still be connected to the bio parents and no matter what you do they will still be around. My son’s Friend was taken in by his grandparents, and they are awesome people, but bio mom knew where they were and she got visitation. She stole the boy and he spent 3 months living in a crack house.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,987
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Post by Nanner on Nov 25, 2019 4:13:36 GMT
yikes! Don't let anybody guilt you into thinking you need to do this. It's a HUGE commitment and something that I personally, couldn't do.
This child needs to be away from his biological family, and with a loving family who will have no interference from his parents.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
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Post by pilcas on Nov 25, 2019 4:19:48 GMT
I just want to add, that even if the child’s family was not a problem, which they definitely are, you still have a right to put yourself, your marriage and your family first. It may sound awful but they are the ones that your chose to commit to.
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,692
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Dec 2, 2019 6:17:15 GMT
I'm sorry for not coming back. This month has been a shitshow rodeo and I feel like the clown. Ugh.
I was calling the caseworker to let her know that this won't be happening under any circumstances. They were telling her I was definitely willing to do this and there is just no way. We spent time with them on Thanksgiving and my belief is reinforced that the best thing I can do is support them without becoming any more involved. I would love to continue to support her in her recovery but stepping in here is out of my ability. I know it's ok to say no to things like this, it just sucks to even have to consider. I know I could do it and I know that from the second the decision was made we would parent him like our own (hopefully better :/ ) but I can't say with any clarity that that would be the best decision for him and the con's list is really, really, long.
I have a couple of friends who are ready for placements that are going to talk to their caseworkers. Best case scenario is we at least know that he's doing well.
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Post by roberta on Dec 2, 2019 6:25:51 GMT
Sounds like the best decision. Wishing everyone involved well and that the birth parents can understand and accept this is best and move forward with their recovery.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:23:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2019 8:17:07 GMT
We have a 20 year old, an 18 year old and a 15 year old, AND, for 5 years now, we have been raising a now 19 year old girl. She has been a dream. She is a wonderful, smart, driven, kind young woman. In no way has she ever been a burden to our family. HOWEVER ...the downside of the situation is the constant drama we had, for the first 4 years, with her birth family. They are a dysfunctional lot, they make bad decisions, and we couldn't always prevent the aforementioned drama to affect out other children. Only in the past year, now that she's technically an adult, has it calmed down. I have had to take the high road and bite my tongue so very often, and it KILLED me at times. I've had to see them get her hopes up and then hurt her, all the while knowing that that would happen, and ending up picking up the pieces, trying to keep it real without badmouthing her parents. It sucked, at times, when they damaged the self worth we were so carefully trying to build up. And in our case, her birth family isn't even related to us, and she was 14 when she came to live here. I am not saying you shouldn't do this. For us, it worked out well. We love her as our own daughter and she is a part of our family and it was all worth it. BUT, it is so very hard. Like I said, I am happy things went the way they went, but looking back, if I had known then what I know now, I'm not sure I would have made the same choice. I'm glad I didn't know though  You are not just deciding for you and for this toddler, you are also altering the life of your other children, and I can imagine your hesitation. Think this through really, really well. |
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