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Post by monklady123 on Nov 24, 2019 13:57:39 GMT
Poor kid. I agree though that being adopted by another family, hopefully one far enough away, will mean stability for him. No drama is just what he needs, and if you had him then his family knows where you are and how to find you and as you said... drama. ugh
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 24, 2019 13:59:38 GMT
The problems of all the adults concerned do not matter...it is the welfare of the toddler that should be the only concern. Using that measurement, it would seem that a permanent placement with a loving family yearning for a child would be in the best interests of the child.
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Post by gar on Nov 24, 2019 14:06:11 GMT
The problems of all the adults concerned do not matter...it is the welfare of the toddler that should be the only concern. Using that measurement, it would seem that a permanent placement with a loving family yearning for a child would be in the best interests of the child. 1000% agree.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:34:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2019 14:07:10 GMT
No advice. Many hugs. Only you and DH know what is right for you and DH.
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Post by katlaw on Nov 24, 2019 14:15:55 GMT
As an adult who was adopted and lived a great life with my adopted family do not feel like an ass for letting him go.
I had a sibling, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and a home where I belonged. I always knew I was adopted. And more importantly I always knew this family wanted me.
I am sad for your 70 year old aunt but that is not a reason to make such a life altering decision.
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Post by pelirroja on Nov 24, 2019 14:16:59 GMT
I'm not trying to sound harsh or mean but I truly think that this child being somewhere far away from these people would truly be in his best interest. He needs to be placed into a situation with someone who treasures him, has the time and energy to devote to him, and the desire to give him the new beginning he needs. Physical distance and no contact would be a blessing.
With addicts in the family, I foresee you and your dh being on the receiving end of tons of manipulation, being asked to bend rules and not tell the social worker, etc. Addicts are highly manipulative and soon as you give them a clear NO, they will move on to someone else to try to play.
No guilt. You raised your kids, you've paid your dues. Now is the time to celebrate the freedom you have worked so hard for. No need to go backwards into parenthood all over again.
Please don't feel guilty. No, you are not an asshole. "No" is a complete sentence.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 24, 2019 14:23:58 GMT
I’ve seen this play out IRL with a friend’s grandson. The bio parents have a multitude of issues and after a lengthy court battle their parental rights were severed and the child (who also, no surprise, also has issues) is being raised by one set of grandparents. Goofball parents went on to have another kid and now that one is in the process of being taken away too. The bio dad and his mother are flat out, no holds barred CRAZY and IMO dangerous. I’m talking conspiracy theory spouting, tinfoil hat wearing, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs nuts. They didn’t want either of the kids taken away. It’s scary for the other custodial grandparents having that kind of wild card out there, knowing that these people could show up at any time of the day or night. Then on the flip side of the coin, I also know of several wonderful couples who weren’t able to have children but who would LOVE to be able to adopt. I know for a fact they would pour every ounce of love they have into raising a child and who would be amazing parents if given the opportunity. If I were in your shoes StephDRebel I would let him go so he could be raised by a couple who are dreaming and praying for that chance to be parents. Even though you would be great parents for this kid too, it would be difficult to impossible to ever be able to totally shake the bio parents so they aren’t always on the fringes of this kid’s life. I feel even having them on the fringes is too much. Kids in that situation deserve better. They deserve the chance to have a normal, happy, carefree life without always wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,623
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Nov 24, 2019 14:32:06 GMT
As an adult who was adopted and lived a great life with my adopted family do not feel like an ass for letting him go. This sat with me all night and as a fellow child of adoption I can't bold this enough. You are NOT an ass, give the child the gift of a fresh start in an anonymous situation where the parents can't interfere. I recently found out all kinds of information about my bio family when I was cleaning out moms safety deposit box. I am beyond grateful for the social workers and larger team of people who stepped in and saw to it that I was placed in a loving home. Mom and I may have had our differences, but I grew up in a loving, stable family knowing I was wanted and accepted. That's the best thing you can do for this child. Pass, knowing they will go to a loving stable family.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 24, 2019 14:39:50 GMT
I'm glad you know your limits, but I do hate that people put others in this position to have to make these kinds of decisions!!
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,798
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Nov 24, 2019 15:08:20 GMT
It think it might be in the best interests of this child to be removed from all contact with his “parents”, which would never happen if you took him. Imagine the turmoil, chaos, and confusion of this poor child having these people whisking in and out of his life, As heartbreaking as it is this child is probably better off far away from these people. hard as it my be for you, I t will be his best chance to break the cycle to be away from his parents forever!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 24, 2019 15:21:32 GMT
It would break my heart so I'm sure this is totally tugging at your heart strings. But I know I don't have it in me to raise another child. I will help my children with their kids as best I can when they have them, if they need me. But I don't even have the capacity to raise my grandchildren if necessary. I just don't. And I won't feel guilty about saying no if I have to because I will know that the child in need deserves better than my half hearted attempt.
This child is 2 years old. He has the possibility of a wonderful life with adoptive parents. And it will get him away from the crazy that is his current situation. Let him go. Feel no guilt.
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Post by sawwhet on Nov 24, 2019 15:41:08 GMT
I'm around the same age as you and I feel it would be a lot. I kinda feel selfish for feeling this way. We are just now, in this past year, getting a glimpse of child free time. It's been 25 years. I'm tired. I couldn't imagine bringing a 2 year old into our lives full time. The only exception would be for our own grandchild.
I do know a few people that have taken on young children. My aunt took in her GREAT granddaughter when her addicted mother could no longer keep her. All the aunts, uncles and cousins refused. So she lives with great grandma. The little girl moved in when she was 2 and is now 8. Aunt P is now a sprite 82 yrs old. By sprite I mean active and healthy for her age. She's an absolute superstar- takes the little girl to hockey practices, karate etc. They are hooked up with a social worker who will help navigate when grandma can no longer care for the girl. She just wants her to have the best young life ever.
A friend from university lost her son over the summer due to suicide. Not sure about the status of the mother but my friend and her dh took in their 3 yr old granddaughter.
Don't take this on if you are not up for the task. This is a huge commitment.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Nov 24, 2019 15:47:44 GMT
We are a hard no, I'm just struggling with it today because we spent the afternoon with him at a birthday party. In going to talk to the caseworker this week to see how we can be helpful but were a hard no on permanent placement. You've got a big heart and it's in the right place, but you just need to give that caseworker a hard no to any involvement. This needs to be a 'rip the bandaid off' moment. In the eyes of this family, no matter what you do it will not be right and it will never be enough. Remember that adage 'no good deed goes unpunished'? Well, it will be that tenfold, especially when it comes to dealing with tough family situations. The best scenario for the young child is to have a clean break from his birth family and get a shot at a good life with a loving family. That would be a tremendous gift for him, and you saying no will facilitate that.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Nov 24, 2019 15:48:58 GMT
I'd do it if I didn't have to deal with the crazy family part. Crazy family, trying to interfere, intervene and cause drama? That's not good for the child.
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Post by tentoes on Nov 24, 2019 16:06:38 GMT
Having gone through this about 4 years ago--my son and ddil adopted a newborn from a family member of my ddil. They were 50 and 51. This little guy has been the icing on the cake for our family. He is a darling little guy, and has added so much joy to our family. His smile lightens up the whole room. (this was their 3rd adoption) after two bio children. So, they have children from 4-26!! My son will retire when this little guy is 11.
But, you have to know what you are capable of! ((HUGS)) to you in this very important decision.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:34:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2019 16:32:28 GMT
It’s a difficult situation and a very uncomfortable position to be in. I’m curious why your cousin, who is the grandparent isn’t able to step in? Also, you mentioned that this child is nonverbal. Is this due to medical issues or trauma?
Our kids are finally grown and DH and I are now just able to start doing things we want to do vs have to do. If this was my own grandchild, then no question. I would do it. However, I wouldn’t do it for a distant relative who would be better far removed from his maternal side of the family.
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Post by Skellinton on Nov 24, 2019 16:38:56 GMT
No advice. Many hugs. Only you and DH know what is right for you and DH. I would say that the needs of the OP and her husband should be a distant second to the needs of the child. The child’s needs should be the number one concern.
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Post by pierkiss on Nov 24, 2019 17:01:11 GMT
I seriously do not know what I would do in this situation. I know I would be spending a lot of time crying, because this is seriously pulling at my heart strings, and I don’t even know the people involved. 😢
If there was some way for you to cut out the crazy family members permanently, I would be very tempted to do it. But I also have a house full of young kids, so it wouldn’t be a shock to the system to suddenly have another toddler.
However, I’m not sure if I have it in me to raise another kid with any kind of special needs or disability. Or if my marriage could survive another one. It is a very hard thing to raise an individual with any kind of different needs. There are the various therapies, school meetings, and doctors appointments. Then there is the constant day to day consistency with all the plans from the therapists, the constant involvement, and the incessant worry that I am not doing it right. And the broken mama heart from all of the social aspects that come in to play with regards to inclusivity and peers.
I think you need to think long and hard about not only the good that comes with raising a toddler through adulthood, but also all the other stuff that is likely to come with raising this sweet little person. If you can’t do it, or don’t think you even want to do it, it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a real person who has realized that you cannot give him what he needs (for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter). It makes you a big person to step back and say, “I’m not the right fit for this kid because I can’t meet all of their needs”. It’s ok.
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Post by summer on Nov 24, 2019 17:44:45 GMT
Do not feel guilty for saying no! Raising a child is the biggest commitment you can make and this is not something you were even looking for. You raised your kids, you are empty nesters. I can’t imagine starting all over again if I were in your shoes. Plus it sounds like his bio parents would interfere constantly and would be a nightmare to deal with. It seems in the child’s best insterest to be placed with a family who is looking to become parents. I think he’d have a better life without his bio parents in it.
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 24, 2019 17:52:28 GMT
If you could keep a child out of the the foster system, and you choose to do it, then yes... you are crazy, but for all the right reasons.
ETA: Having read the whole thread, I can see why there would be additional concerns. Think about what you would want for your child and consider that.
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Post by MissBianca on Nov 24, 2019 18:03:58 GMT
So I have been in your shoes and I will tell you why I said no. I had a 4 year old, and was asked to take my friends kids due to her drug use and homelessness. They wanted the kids to “stay in the family” but that really meant that all the crazies would have access to them. My sticking point was mom wasn’t allowed to know where they were until she was clean for X amount of time. And I mean clean. No drugs, no booze, no poor life choices. The family wasn’t happy with that. So I said no. I also didn’t want her family coming around because 90% of them were chronic drug users. Now the kids are grown, mom did get clean eventually but they are a freaking train wreck. The kids have made some bad life choices along the way too. Part of me wished I had taken them because they may have had a better chance at life, but I ended up with 4 kids of my own and my MIL lived with us too so I’m glad I didn’t take them on.
You have to do what’s right for you, your husband and your kids. You will get sucked into their drama if you take the baby.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:34:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2019 18:29:33 GMT
No advice. Many hugs. Only you and DH know what is right for you and DH. I would say that the needs of the OP and her husband should be a distant second to the needs of the child. The child’s needs should be the number one concern. o Agreed. And the child needs wide open arms to nurture him for years and years. Only OP knows if she can provide that.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Nov 24, 2019 18:29:55 GMT
If the system is already involved, and you take custody, I think it will be highly unlikely they will let you move out of state with him if his parents are still working towards reunification or before their rights are terminated.
This means you will either have to stay where you are, or he'll be shuffled along to a new placement then. And that result isn't fair to any of you.
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Post by peasapie on Nov 24, 2019 18:44:44 GMT
it sounds like parents giving this little one up for adoption would alter his life forever. For the better.
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Post by hop2 on Nov 24, 2019 18:48:47 GMT
You are NOT a jerk or an asshole.
Taking in a child & raising them at this point in your life - maybe - that might be do able IF you both wanted it.
However, taking responsibility for a child so a relative who makes poor choices can play house ‘at will’ when they feel like it & make stupid choices about a minor child that YOUR legally responsible for? That’s a totally different story. It’s not something I’d want to sign on for. Picking up the pieces & smoothing things over for the next foreseeable future. Even if they stay sober they don’t seem like they are going to ‘be there’ when the child needs them. I wouldn’t want to sign on for another decade or so of constantly rebuilding a child’s self esteem while their biological parents waltz in & out of taking responsibility leaving you holding the bag when crap hits the fan. Don’t sign on for that. Follow your instincts
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,023
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Nov 24, 2019 19:00:48 GMT
You have had good advice, hard as it is I would let him go for adoption with a stable, safe, dedicated couple who want to do their utmost for a child.
It is the interference from the birth parents that is the tipping point for me, all your hard work could be undone in a moment by an action or a word from the parents.
I have no doubt you and your dh would be amazing but the extended family dynamic is too high risk for the future.
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Post by refugeepea on Nov 24, 2019 19:07:44 GMT
I know someone who has guardianship of their niece and niece's mother (suffered a TBI and is in a care facility). The child was 11 when this happened. By far, their problem has been with the mother. The extended family has been zero help. It's not just raising a child. It's also dealing with loads of paperwork.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Nov 24, 2019 20:06:33 GMT
No advice. Many hugs. Only you and DH know what is right for you and DH. I would say that the needs of the OP and her husband should be a distant second to the needs of the child. The child’s needs should be the number one concern. I would agree with you if they had brought this child into the world, but they did not. Their concern needs to be the needs of their immediate family: OP, husband and their own kids. I doubt that you take on the needs of every needy child out there.
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msladibug
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,533
Jul 10, 2014 2:31:46 GMT
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Post by msladibug on Nov 24, 2019 20:51:02 GMT
Let me tell you, the craziness will come into your immediate family. Especially if you can’t get a no contact from the courts. Broken promises of visits and phone calls and the many heartaches that causes. Yours and his. The parents thinking they have the right to see their kid whenever THEY want. Threats when parents don’t get their way. Having to watch your back all the time. Can’t trust addicts they are manipulative. Ask me how I know. I say, if you love him it might be best to let him go.
My positive thoughts are with you in this situation.
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Post by Skellinton on Nov 24, 2019 23:29:20 GMT
I would say that the needs of the OP and her husband should be a distant second to the needs of the child. The child’s needs should be the number one concern. I would agree with you if they had brought this child into the world, but they did not. Their concern needs to be the needs of their immediate family: OP, husband and their own kids. I doubt that you take on the needs of every needy child out there. I say the needs of the child because I believe the needs of the child are best met by being adopted by an outside party where the “parents” no longer have access.
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