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Post by curiouscrafter on Aug 13, 2020 22:24:33 GMT
Jeremysgirl, The two oldest stay in our 5th wheel on the property since dorms have closed and they just come over for dinner each night. I will say my view of her is shaded and she just comes, eats and leaves ,while my other daughter helps with after dinner dishes and interacts with us and their siblings. They both have their own income, so they are not reliant on us. I can see your perspective on the subject though. I think it’s really, really hard to be used to living on your own and then have to come back home through no fault of your own. She should be happy she had a home to come back to! One more reason to be appreciative of all that mom gives/does for her. The "comes, eats and leaves" bit would not sit well with me, especially if she has her own income. Feed yourself darlin'...
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 13, 2020 22:25:32 GMT
I've done it if I can't get in touch with the kids, but I almost always try to ask
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Post by Fairlyoddparent on Aug 13, 2020 22:27:57 GMT
It doesn't matter if you did or didn't ask her what she wanted. She was ungrateful and, in my house, that's not something I tolerate very well.
That said, she may have been having a bad day and you got the fallout.
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Post by myshelly on Aug 13, 2020 22:33:03 GMT
I think it’s really, really hard to be used to living on your own and then have to come back home through no fault of your own. She should be happy she had a home to come back to! One more reason to be appreciative of all that mom gives/does for her. The "comes, eats and leaves" bit would not sit well with me, especially if she has her own income. Feed yourself darlin'... I guess I just don’t get that attitude. My kids will always have a home to come back to, that’s literally my job. They don’t have to grovel for it.
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Post by curiouscrafter on Aug 13, 2020 22:42:52 GMT
She should be happy she had a home to come back to! One more reason to be appreciative of all that mom gives/does for her. The "comes, eats and leaves" bit would not sit well with me, especially if she has her own income. Feed yourself darlin'... I guess I just don’t get that attitude. My kids will always have a home to come back to, that’s literally my job. They don’t have to grovel for it. HA - I don't think this girl is groveling for anything! She sounds entitled and expects a bit too much. She's an adult and should respect and appreciate what her mom is giving her. (A place to stay and food every night) I don't look at being a parent as a job for being a doormat (which is basically what this DD is doing). My 3 kids would never expect anything if they moved back home. They would be happy with a place to stay, and food that I have in the fridge/cupboard. But to have an attitude because I ordered them food for take-out - oh hell no. Sometimes the hard lessons we learn at home are life changing, and a few meals unavailable to this one might go a long way.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Aug 13, 2020 22:52:23 GMT
I just want to give you a hug for cooking every meal since April. Girl, you deserve a medal. I’m sorry your daughter acted the way she did. All reasons on both sides aside, she behaved poorly.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Aug 13, 2020 22:55:53 GMT
I will absolutely validate you, OP. I’m not sure I would even tolerate her attitude during dinner. It’s called gratitude. And the “ Next time you order takeout, ask me” is demanding. Next time you order takeout, skip her, and show her the stove and remind her to clean up after herself. I do not tolerate ingratitude.
And yes, I also agree that taking orders can be exhausting when you’re already at your wits end.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 13, 2020 23:08:18 GMT
I’ll validate you. Next time I’m ordering, I’d let her fend for herself. I do not take attitude like that well. We all have bad days, but it doesn’t excuse taking it out on loved ones with no apology. It sounds like this isn’t the only problem since she’s also not helping out while living there. She needs a come to Jesus, or a hard move out date to figure herself out and enjoying ordering for herself and paying for it, everyday.
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Post by sasha on Aug 13, 2020 23:11:03 GMT
Doesn't almost 20 year old have the choice to get what she wants and eat it? I mean, yeah, I guess you could ask, but if you went on past history and she wasn't into it, she can go get her own damn food!
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 13, 2020 23:11:16 GMT
I think we all are struggling right now. You could have asked her. She could have handled it more gracefully.
I would apologize and then ask for her help with meals.
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smcast
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Posts: 5,458
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Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Aug 13, 2020 23:45:11 GMT
I see both sides but her message could've been more polite. She should've been thankful . I text and ask before just ordering for people first.
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Post by mollycoddle on Aug 13, 2020 23:49:20 GMT
I wouldn’t be upset. She is over-reacting. It was a free meal that she didn’t have to cook.
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Post by pierkiss on Aug 13, 2020 23:54:04 GMT
Meh. I might grumble if I wasn’t asked and didn’t like what my mom had gotten for me. But I wouldn’t have given her the silent treatment over it. That’s a little over the top.
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Post by mrssmith on Aug 13, 2020 23:55:48 GMT
I don't think you did anything wrong. I would not be upset for someone else feeding me! I hate to cook. Yeah and that's from your perspective as the mom. You choose, you plan, you cook. From the DDs perspective it was the first shot she had at choosing her own dinner, arestaurant meal and she didn't get it. A restaurant meal that someone else was paying for AND ordered something she usually gets when there in person. Another option would be to say thanks and offer to order/pickup/pay next time! It's my perspective as a mom and daughter.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
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Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Aug 13, 2020 23:59:04 GMT
I agree she was rude and should be thankful that you included her in the take-out, considering she is TWENTY YEARS OLD! As the order taker for the house, it can be exhausting. Going to each member, have them hum-hah around about what they want, ask if the take-out could be somewhere else, blah blah blah. Just like I'm not a short-order cook, if I'm getting take out, I order family style of a similar type meal that I would be fixing - i.e. spaghetti, salad, and bread. Pizza. etc. I rarely order individual take-out meals. But if I did, and it was sandwiches, I would ask everyone what kind do they want. If someone is bringing home food for me to eat, I eat it and am just happy that I got a night off! So yes, I would be upset with her, and next time, free-for-all and figure it out for herself. yep yep yep (And I'm not the cook around here!). I eat what's made and am thankful. Otherwise, I have to figure out what I'm going to eat and I just can't most days (I'm back in the classroom) so it ends up being cereal.
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iluvpink
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Posts: 4,362
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Jul 13, 2014 12:40:31 GMT
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Post by iluvpink on Aug 14, 2020 0:03:10 GMT
This wouldn't have been an issue back when I was a kid. Mom just picked up take out/drive thru on her way home from work and I don't know that she ever called to ask us what we wanted. But no cell phones then and she worked in a factory and I believe had to use the pay phones to call home. I think sometimes if we thought she might bring home food that day we'd say hey we'd like Pizza instead of Taco Bell before she went to work or the night before, but that was about it.
And if we had done more than the tiniest grumble we probably would have heard an earful!
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tracylynn
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Post by tracylynn on Aug 14, 2020 2:03:34 GMT
I think we all are struggling right now. You could have asked her. She could have handled it more gracefully. I would apologize and then ask for her help with meals. She has nothing to apologize for ... if anything the daughter should be apologizing.
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Post by drummergirl65 on Aug 14, 2020 2:25:26 GMT
Yes I would be upset. Daughter was very rude. next time she can make her own dinner. Doesn't matter if she didn't like the food, had a bad day, whatever. She should mind her manners. Mom is NOT her punching bag. She pulls that 12 year old crap silent treatment, no helping with cleanup and I really think she should be cooking her own food.
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Post by chlerbie on Aug 14, 2020 2:26:10 GMT
While it's nice to be asked, I just can't imagine getting that upset because someone picked you up a meal--one that you've eaten and enjoyed in the past. I guess I just don't see that it's THAT big of a deal.
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Post by katiekaty on Aug 14, 2020 2:35:39 GMT
Well, I did it. I ordered online and paid the three dollar delivery fee. I even tipped more than five dollars. Dinner arrived just as the first what’s for dinner got asked. I said yours is supposed to be labeled with you name, shut up and eat it! There was not one complaint! Jut one sled “ how did you know what we all wanted?” I just smiled and said one of them is poisoned. (Not really, just had to make the think mom might just be a badass!)
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Post by mikewozowski on Aug 14, 2020 2:45:32 GMT
if i want to stop and pick up something i may or may not ask what people want. if i am still providing dinner while you likely are sitting on your ass watching tv and you complain about what i brought you and also act like a baby there would be some changes coming.
it would be nice if you asked, but it is not required. do you ask what they want to eat every day when you are cooking? i don't. i sometimes ask what they would like, but i may not have the ingredients, so i can't make it. i may also ask what they want from a few choices. i don't really care what i make out of the things we have. i just don't want to go to the store every day.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Aug 14, 2020 2:59:37 GMT
I am a picky eater, so I would ask if I were ordering for more than myself.....to make sure everyone got what they wanted. I would want to be asked. I wouldn't want anyone ordering for me.
In general, I think you daughter is behaving like a brat. Next time I wouldn't order her anything.
I think both of your college daughters should both be planning and cooking at least one dinner a week. You shouldn't have to do all the dinner cooking every night. On the nights when you cook, they both should be helping with kitchen cleanup.
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Kath
Full Member
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Jun 26, 2014 12:15:31 GMT
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Post by Kath on Aug 14, 2020 3:49:16 GMT
19-year-olds can be beasts. I’ve had a few of my own.
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 14, 2020 11:08:40 GMT
My take (and I feed my adult, working kiddos when they're in for dinner) is that she should be grateful she was fed!
If i've decided ahead, i'll text them and ask what they want. If it's a last minute decision, i'll order for them. Like your dd, I know what they generally order from places. They're always just happy that i've gotten them food.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 14, 2020 11:22:33 GMT
I think both of your college daughters should both be planning and cooking at least one dinner a week. You shouldn't have to do all the dinner cooking every night. On the nights when you cook, they both should be helping with kitchen cleanup. I absolutely, 110%, agree with this. I didn't know there was a past history of ungrateful behavior. That wasn't in the OP. I don't tolerate that. And no matter what, I still think the daughter's behavior was bratty. Like spongemom said, you can feel however you want, but you don't get to act like a jerk. But I don't like the follow up. I don't like, well she's not nice to me, so why should I be nice to her argument. She's the child and an adult. If she's not pulling her weight and is ungrateful for the things mom has provided, well then she gets to get out and make her own way. I had this same discussion with my own DD. She's currently living on her own and her life is absolute shitshow right now. I have told her that she is free to come back home if she will take stewardship of her mental health and get the treatment she needs. I'm willing to help her, but I'm not willing to be used and abused by out of control mental illness. She has so far declined my invitation and I know she is going to be evicted and she's still scrambling to find another place to live to avoid coming home and following my rule that she get help. She said to me yesterday, you never give me any money. And my follow up was I'm offering you shelter, food, a cell phone, and all the medical care and therapy you can handle. I'm willing to pay for all of that. I think that's pretty generous of me. And doing my part as the mom. I'm not willing to give her rent money so she won't be evicted so she can go on continuing to make bad choices and not getting treatment. And it breaks my heart that I have to be that way. I want to help her. But I'm not willing to "help" or bail out somebody who doesn't want to truly help herself. If that's the OP's daughter, then the OP has to make some changes. Or she needs to send her daughter off into the world on her own. And then she can be as rude, unhelpful, ungrateful, etc. as she wants. I have complete empathy for parents who's children treat them poorly. But we've got to be willing to do something about it. We've got to be willing to draw the line. And then we when we make a mistake, we can't just chalk it up to, well she's mistreating me, therefore, I was justified. I really hope the OP addresses the bigger picture. Because it's obviously not about a burger. And I send you my hugs OP. Because this situation might just have shined a bright light on cracks in the foundation. Otherwise, neither of these things would have been a big deal.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
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Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Aug 14, 2020 12:23:47 GMT
Oh hell no, That wouldn’t have flown with me. At that age, she’s more than old enough to be doing for herself. The minute my kid gave me attitude over something like that, I’d have pulled the plate from in front of her and told her to fix herself what she wanted. The times I decided to get take out after work, I just stopped and ordered what I figured they’d like. If my kid didn’t want it, great! Leftovers for me to take for lunch tomorrow.
ETA: at least once a week either my sister or I stop and get something to eat on the way home and buy something for the other person and I can’t think of a single time we’ve conversed about it before hand. We just get what we think the other person wants and go about our life. 🤷♀️
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Post by hop2 on Aug 14, 2020 12:57:32 GMT
She is being rude. But in some instances you were rude too.
Family style meal, my choice eat it or not. Individual meals: “I’m ordering from X in 5 minutes let me know what you want or I’ll pick for you”
My DD isn’t fond of pizza so if I’m picking up takeout on the fly without asking I get pizza. If she isn’t in the mood she can make her own dinner or see if her father will feed her. My DS will eat anything I would order family style without asking him but an individual meal he would choose different everytime.
I’m not sure either would give me the silent treatment just for picking their meal unless there was something else going on that drove the crabbiness. And honestly right now we are all a bit on edge due to the pandemic.
Lastly, if I’m so slammed with stuff, my trick is to hand someone cash enough for everyone’s meal and ask them to go get food I don’t care what/where just get it I’m hungry. Lol and lately I’ll Zelle the money to which ever family member I’m asking. This method hasn’t failed yet.
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Post by gar on Aug 14, 2020 13:42:12 GMT
She should be happy she had a home to come back to! One more reason to be appreciative of all that mom gives/does for her. The "comes, eats and leaves" bit would not sit well with me, especially if she has her own income. Feed yourself darlin'... I guess I just don’t get that attitude. My kids will always have a home to come back to, that’s literally my job. They don’t have to grovel for it. Would you treat your parents that way?
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paigepea
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Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Aug 14, 2020 13:46:07 GMT
I wouldn’t be upset but I don’t think you did anything wrong.
You made a last minute educated guess. She wasn’t in love with what you picked up for her but she ate it. If you’d cooked she wouldn’t have chosen the meal so who cares what she says. Maybe she was having a bad moment over something else that came out over the food. Not an excuse but all of us need to work on emotional management every once in a while. I’d let it all go.
If I was doing last minute take out and was rushing I’d choose for my family too.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 14, 2020 13:48:32 GMT
I really hope the OP addresses the bigger picture. Because it's obviously not about a burger. And I send you my hugs OP. Because this situation might just have shined a bright light on cracks in the foundation. Otherwise, neither of these things would have been a big deal. That's wise counsel. There most definitely is a bigger picture here.
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