|
Post by femalebusiness on Dec 27, 2020 3:08:09 GMT
Drop the rope mom. You are focusing on your daughter and it sounds like you don't know where your own lines are. Your daughter is a grown woman and it is up to her what she does with her life. You need to make it very clear what you will and won't put up with and stick to it. She does not respect you or herself. She needs to go out into the world and support herself. How she manages that is her problem. She doesn't give a rats ass what you think. Give her a time that she has to go. Daughter or no, I'd have a hard time caring about someone who cared so little about me. I don't think that will be easy to do but she is not going to change until she has to to survive by her own wits. The skills and insight that she needs to have a good life she should have learned years ago. Whatever she is doing to you and your family, you are allowing it. You're right. It does hurt knowing she cares so little about me, her father or her siblings. I feel to blame for failing her some how. But I'm also very worried about failing my other kids by letting them witness this behaviour. The other kids are close to the same age when this all started with my oldest. You are absolutely correct. This is no good for your other kids to witness. The up side is if you insist your daughter either grow up or move out it will let the ones that follow know you don't put up with anyone's crap. It's not easy, I know that but standing your ground is soooo rewarding. Best of luck
|
|
momof4
Junior Member
Posts: 70
Dec 27, 2020 0:44:41 GMT
|
Post by momof4 on Dec 27, 2020 3:20:37 GMT
Thank you for your input everyone. You've given me lots of good ideas to consider.
|
|
johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
|
Post by johnnysmom on Dec 27, 2020 3:22:08 GMT
19 year olds are supposed to be engaged with their parents? Honestly, my kid is pretty decent but he’s not all that engaged. Most days we’re like ships passing mid-afternoon. I thought that was pretty typical. We don’t vacuum or be loud early in the morning and he’s expected to be quiet if he comes home late and keep his games/music down at night. Dinner is around 5:30, if he’s here he’s welcome to eat if he’s not or doesn’t want to eat I don’t really care. He knows how to make a sandwich.
It sounds like there’s a lot of issues at play here, you probably need to decide what your ultimate goal is and the set rules that will help you attain that goal.
In the meantime take care of yourself. If you’re having health (physical or mental) issues that need attention then lead by example and get yourself to the appropriate doctor.
|
|
|
Post by freecharlie on Dec 27, 2020 3:31:24 GMT
Drop the rope mom. You are focusing on your daughter and it sounds like you don't know where your own lines are. Your daughter is a grown woman and it is up to her what she does with her life. You need to make it very clear what you will and won't put up with and stick to it. She does not respect you or herself. She needs to go out into the world and support herself. How she manages that is her problem. She doesn't give a rats ass what you think. Give her a time that she has to go. Daughter or no, I'd have a hard time caring about someone who cared so little about me. I don't think that will be easy to do but she is not going to change until she has to to survive by her own wits. The skills and insight that she needs to have a good life she should have learned years ago. Whatever she is doing to you and your family, you are allowing it. You're right. It does hurt knowing she cares so little about me, her father or her siblings. I feel to blame for failing her some how. But I'm also very worried about failing my other kids by letting them witness this behaviour. The other kids are close to the same age when this all started with my oldest. it isn't that she doesn't care about you, it is that she is a teen/young adult and she is wrapped up in her.
|
|
|
Post by greendragonlady on Dec 27, 2020 3:40:09 GMT
I didn't read all of the responses, but a lot of what you're going through I went through with my DD. I would be extremely concerned if there are younger children in the house. My DD had a substance abuse problem in the past. She always denied it, said anyone who said anything to me was a liar just trying to get her in trouble, etc.
I would set strict rules in the house. Doesn't matter if she is 19, it is your house, your rules. I also wouldn't tiptoe around her. If she's still sleeping at 2 p.m. and you need to do noisy chores, tough.
|
|
momof4
Junior Member
Posts: 70
Dec 27, 2020 0:44:41 GMT
|
Post by momof4 on Dec 27, 2020 3:46:04 GMT
19 year olds are supposed to be engaged with their parents? Honestly, my kid is pretty decent but he’s not all that engaged. Most days we’re like ships passing mid-afternoon. I thought that was pretty typical. We don’t vacuum or be loud early in the morning and he’s expected to be quiet if he comes home late and keep his games/music down at night. Dinner is around 5:30, if he’s here he’s welcome to eat if he’s not or doesn’t want to eat I don’t really care. He knows how to make a sandwich. It sounds like there’s a lot of issues at play here, you probably need to decide what your ultimate goal is and the set rules that will help you attain that goal. In the meantime take care of yourself. If you’re having health (physical or mental) issues that need attention then lead by example and get yourself to the appropriate doctor. I dont expect her to be engaged with us much. I just thought things would be different and she might do more to repair/regain our trust. I guess I expected too much. Yes I have a lot on my plate. I'm trying to get help but it's been challenging to find it. Plus my other daughter has a lot of health issues that require my attention right now. It's been a long year for everyone. I guess I'm just super burnt out.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 2:35:48 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2020 3:54:22 GMT
Disclaimer: my eldest is 9 so I am not speaking from first hand experience.
However my take is that you need to reframe your thinking. She’s 19. You really can’t parent her anymore. You need to start thinking in terms of ground rules for anyone in your home, and how you can best parent your other children.
Example: quiet hours are from 10:00pm to 8:00am. Dinner is at 6:00. If someone prefers to eat something different, that person can supply their own food at their cost and effort. Household resources (vehicles, food, laundry supplies, etc) are used by those who contribute to their maintenance and cost. No persons may curse out or name call other persons. One must clean up after one’s self. If one is going to be away overnight, informing you of what day they will return is expected. The health of the household members must be respected first. The job/school needs come next. If she doesn’t want to contribute to the chores then she needs to pay you or her siblings for bathroom cleaning service (if it’s shared) and keep to her room.
You wouldn’t let a guest in your home treat you the way she does. Don’t let her do it either.
|
|
|
Post by freecharlie on Dec 27, 2020 3:57:15 GMT
19 year olds are supposed to be engaged with their parents? Honestly, my kid is pretty decent but he’s not all that engaged. Most days we’re like ships passing mid-afternoon. I thought that was pretty typical. We don’t vacuum or be loud early in the morning and he’s expected to be quiet if he comes home late and keep his games/music down at night. Dinner is around 5:30, if he’s here he’s welcome to eat if he’s not or doesn’t want to eat I don’t really care. He knows how to make a sandwich. It sounds like there’s a lot of issues at play here, you probably need to decide what your ultimate goal is and the set rules that will help you attain that goal. In the meantime take care of yourself. If you’re having health (physical or mental) issues that need attention then lead by example and get yourself to the appropriate doctor. I dont expect her to be engaged with us much. I just thought things would be different and she might do more to repair/regain our trust. I guess I expected too much. Yes I have a lot on my plate. I'm trying to get help but it's been challenging to find it. Plus my other daughter has a lot of health issues that require my attention right now. It's been a long year for everyone. I guess I'm just super burnt out. lower your expectations as to her interaction with you. Let her come to you. That does not mean she doesn't have any expectations or obligations at the house. Is it possible the health issues of your other child and the attention that child needs is off putting for your ods?
|
|
momof4
Junior Member
Posts: 70
Dec 27, 2020 0:44:41 GMT
|
Post by momof4 on Dec 27, 2020 4:08:44 GMT
I dont expect her to be engaged with us much. I just thought things would be different and she might do more to repair/regain our trust. I guess I expected too much. Yes I have a lot on my plate. I'm trying to get help but it's been challenging to find it. Plus my other daughter has a lot of health issues that require my attention right now. It's been a long year for everyone. I guess I'm just super burnt out. lower your expectations as to her interaction with you. Let her come to you. That does not mean she doesn't have any expectations or obligations at the house. Is it possible the health issues of your other child and the attention that child needs is off putting for your ods? My oldest daughter makes it pretty difficult to focus on anyone else, so it doesnt surprise me she doesnt care about my other daughter's health issues. And yes she may be jealous or something.
|
|
|
Post by elaine on Dec 27, 2020 4:26:19 GMT
19 year olds are supposed to be engaged with their parents? Honestly, my kid is pretty decent but he’s not all that engaged. Most days we’re like ships passing mid-afternoon. I thought that was pretty typical. We don’t vacuum or be loud early in the morning and he’s expected to be quiet if he comes home late and keep his games/music down at night. Dinner is around 5:30, if he’s here he’s welcome to eat if he’s not or doesn’t want to eat I don’t really care. He knows how to make a sandwich. It sounds like there’s a lot of issues at play here, you probably need to decide what your ultimate goal is and the set rules that will help you attain that goal. In the meantime take care of yourself. If you’re having health (physical or mental) issues that need attention then lead by example and get yourself to the appropriate doctor. I dont expect her to be engaged with us much. I just thought things would be different and she might do more to repair/regain our trust. I guess I expected too much. Yes I have a lot on my plate. I'm trying to get help but it's been challenging to find it. Plus my other daughter has a lot of health issues that require my attention right now. It's been a long year for everyone. I guess I'm just super burnt out. This is another indicator that you need family therapy. Once per week with each daughter having issues and then, if things get better, family sessions with the four of you and maybe the other children if there are issues there too. It is normal for families with children with mental health and physical health issues to benefit from family therapy. If there is that much pull on you and your husband from both daughters, it could be helpful to have a therapist have you all discuss it and set reasonable expectations and boundaries. At this point, it sounds like too much for any family to balance without some help. And you need to take care of yourself so that you aren’t burned out. (((Hugs)))
|
|
caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,459
Location: So Cal
Jun 26, 2014 16:42:12 GMT
|
Post by caangel on Dec 27, 2020 4:31:22 GMT
My oldest is 13 but I do have a 19 cousin who has been living with us for over a year. She is here to establish residency to get in state college tuition when she applies. She pays rent, her parents pay for her cell phone and health insurance. She pays for everything else. I do consider her when cooking dinner but haven't changed much of what I was already doing. If she doesn't eat with us she has her own food that she makes.
That being said, she has gone through cycles of sleeping late (noon and beyond) staying up late (2-4am), being out late or staying out. So I see that all as normal. We don't tippytoe around, if we need her for some reason we will wake her. She cleans up after herself (laundry, bathroom, bedroom) but I don't expect her to do any other household chores. She will watch the kids when necessary. While she does regularly hang out in the evenings she mostly stays in her room. She does hold down a job and has recently joined the National Guardto help pay for school.
I say this not to tell you what you should do but just to share with you how another 19yo behaves in a similar situation. It does sound like your DD has some additional issues that make it even more challenging. I agree with others that counseling for you and DH would be a good thing.
|
|
|
Post by Zee on Dec 27, 2020 4:48:55 GMT
When my DS was 19 he was a moody, anxious mess who was secretive about his dating life and slept until 3pm or later every day and was uninvolved in family life. He's always been thin and is not much of an eater, and has mystery stomach pains when stressed.
But, I didn't really make those things an issue. I did insist that he get a job if he expected to stay in the house but not attend school, which he did, and it was a night shift job so that helped.
As you mentioned, it seems your daughter has some mental health issues. My DS was finally persuaded to get counseling by a girlfriend of his (and me, but I'm sure she had more influence at the time), and while it didn't cure anything, he gained tools to help him deal with anxiety and depression.
He's been living on his own for about two years now, with roommates, and while he still deals with anxiety and depression I think he's much better. He didn't leave home due to arguing but rather be missed his friends and didn't like living in GA. He still won't go to school but he's an assistant manager at a restaurant and is fully self-supporting. I don't see him often since we're 12 hours away but we Snapchat all the time and text. Sometimes I still get worried about his state of mind but he has to figure life out on his own. I'm a safety net but it's up to him to make his own mistakes.
Hugs to you--it's not easy. But it sounds like she loves you. Focus on your own health and don't make mountains out of molehills. Go about your normal activities, if she doesn't like it she'll leave. I love my kids but they're not my sole reason for living, either.
|
|
|
Post by tentoes on Dec 27, 2020 5:21:57 GMT
No real advice-- Just wanted to send you my love and prayers. Raising kids is hard. ((HUGS))
|
|
|
Post by kenziekeeper on Dec 27, 2020 6:24:11 GMT
I don’t have much to add, but sending good thoughts your way. I don’t speak from experience, but think that counseling (individual for her and for you, and family sessions) would be a non-negotiable. You say “she won’t go” - I don’t think it’s an option. She’s causing immense stress on you and other family members. If she intends to live with you any longer, she needs to learn to do so considerately and cooperatively - which would include counseling.
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Dec 27, 2020 11:58:27 GMT
momof4 Until she gets therapy to figure out why she is jumping from guy to guy, nothing will change. You mentioned she has abandonment issues--why??? Honestly--don't let her back home. Take the keys, stop doing for her. You've repeatedly set rules and she has broken them. She needs help with her mental health issues and until those are addressed, nothing will change either. Your house...your rules...BUT you and DH should go to therapy without her. ETA: I am not a parent but your DD is a carbon copy of the majority of HS kids I spent teaching for most of my 36 year special ed career. You cannot change her, you cannot force her to trust you or care about you. She needs help and until that happens, she needs to not be in your house. Set your rules and stick to them. She has to heal herself from whatever trauma has happened to her and deal with the mental health issues that go along with that trauma. Just my two cents from working with kids like her for so many years. Someone has hurt her, someone has caused her to not trust, something has happened to her. So love her, tell her you're there for her but lay down some rules.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 12:46:01 GMT
It sounds to me like your daughter is struggling with her mental health and your expectations are way too high. Your expectations come across to me as completely too high for an average 19 year old, let alone one who struggles with mental illness.
My 20 year old bipolar DD just recently moved back in with me after being out of the house for over a year. And I have two rules basically, one is to get psychiatric help and the other is do not cause turmoil via yelling, crying, tantrums. That's it. And it is hard even for her to meet those two expectations. Right now she is waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist. So she is unmedicated. She is temperamental. I just ignore it. She is in and out of the house with her boyfriend. And hes a nice person but going nowhere in life. And I'm just glad when she isn't here because I like the peace.
I have put into place an expectation that she has her medicine regulated and she will save up enough money to move out by July. So basically six months from now.
I cannot continue to live with her. I cannot change who she is. I cannot have expectations of her because mental illness uncontrolled means she cannot meet them. And I cannot constantly set myself up for disappointment. So I don't.
As long as I can live in peace, that's good enough for me. I know it sounds foreign. Because we want to believe that our sweet 6 year olds are in there somewhere. And they are but we may not see them again until our children are 30. And we cannot parent them anymore like a 6 year old. We cannot take on responsibility mentally for their challenges. They need to step up and start facing the world on their own.
I do not pay for DDs car. I did not buy it. I do not pay the insurance. She turns 21 in May and I'll be taking her off my cellphone plan. And I absolutely do not buy or make her food. If she's here for dinner, she can eat with us. The most I do is pay for is that cellphone. She is responsible for all her other bills. And I let her live her rent free, for a limited period of time, for her to get back on her feet.
But it sounds to me like you want to engage with her like you would a normal adult. And I'm sending you hugs because that's just not possible. And I want you read those words carefully and really accept them. She has to take care of her mental health. You cannot do it for her. It's time for her to stand up and take care of herself. And you need to take off your mom hat and start doing just for yourself and your other children.
She will either find her way or she won't. You gave her roots. And now it's time for her to fly. And that's not your job.
Let go. I promise you if you can mentally let go, you will feel better.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 13:00:03 GMT
Oh I wanted to say to give you some encouragement....my son is bipolar and he has autism. We went for years struggling. After a suicide attempt, he spent time inpatient. And since then he has managed his medicine and his mental health. He is working full time for target. And he has moved into an apartment with 3 of his buddies. He is paying his bills. Managing his mind. And he is waiting until covid let's up so he can take classes at the community college in person. He doesn't want to do online classes. But he is managing well. He just turned 19 and he is fully capable of making it on his own. I am very proud of all her has overcome to make that happen. And even if college doesn't happen for another couple of years, I'm cool with that.
But he needed to get his mental health together first. And I had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas with him. He has grown so much.
Things kind of snowballed for him in a really good way all at once this summer. And I hold out hope that my DD might have that too at some point. But he had to do it on his own and so does she. So does your daughter.
And I send my very best wishes to you.
|
|
|
Post by bearmom on Dec 27, 2020 13:45:51 GMT
I have a 21 and 18 year old. The 18 year old should be away at college, but isn’t due to COVID and is taking on-line classes. We set up the 3rd bedroom to use as a “study” room so she has more of her own space. There are some days that the only time we see her is for 10-15 minutes at dinner, some days she doesn’t with us (if she ate a late lunch/breakfast at 3) so we see in in passing, and other days she may come out and sit in the living room for a bit. I don’t know when she goes to bed or wakes up most days. We don’t alter our schedule to accommodate her sleeping, with the exception that I don’t vacuum until after 11. I do try to give her a hug every night before I go to bed (more for me) but when I knock (very quietly) on her door sometimes she is on a call and says no.
Older dd has some mental health issues - anxiety and anorexia. Our rule for her: counseling is required for our financial support. We continue to pay for college and most of her housing (she lives off campus now) she must see a licensed therapist. She is home right now for the holidays. There are many afternoons that she too disappears to to her bedroom also. She isn’t used to living at home and dh and I realize that she needs her space as well.
You mention that your dd has tried therapy before and it didn’t work. When older dd first started, there was only one therapist in our town who specialized in eating disorders and dd really didn’t like her. I figured it was because dd didn’t like what the therapist was telling her, which could have been part of it, but it didn’t go well. Dd fought us in going, I don’t think she was honest with her, and it didn’t seem to be helping much. When dd went to college we drove down and met with a new therapist, dd had a completely different reaction to her. Four years later, dd still sees her and we have never had to play the financial card. Sometimes her visits are monthly, sometimes twice a month, and occasionally weekly.
What I learned: dd needed to feel comfortable with her therapist. Yes, sometimes she tells dd things dd doesn’t want to hear, but dd still needs to be able to be open and honest and you can’t force that relationship.
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on Dec 27, 2020 14:18:53 GMT
I think the missing piece of all of this to me is — when your daughter is not living with you, how is she supporting herself? Is she relying on the person she is dating to cover her expenses?
|
|
|
Post by SockMonkey on Dec 27, 2020 14:36:01 GMT
I'm just going to echo the need for regular family and individual therapy for all of you (or as many of you who will go).
|
|
sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,592
Jun 27, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
|
Post by sweetpeasmom on Dec 27, 2020 14:46:30 GMT
One of the hardest parts of parenting is getting to the point where they are 18-19-20 years old. They are legal adults and while you want to still be able to have an impact, they really are at a point that you have to let go and they will have to face their consequences. I'm there. My ds is 18 and it's taken us a few months to get a good balance here. So I feel you.
As for your daughter, I also feel you because my sister is the exact same way. She's 35 now but since way before she was 18, she was making reckless decisions. She can't seem to not have a man in her life. None of them are good ones. She constantly makes up lies and reasons for things happening. It has taken it's tole on my mom. I haven't had much of a relationship with her in years.
There isn't much you can do. It is going to take some tough love on your part. Set forth the rules of your house. If she chooses not to follow them, then she needs to find somewhere else to live. I know you want her to be successful and make good choices. But you can't control that. It hurts when you see them making choices you know aren't going to lead to good things.
Hugs mama!!
|
|
|
Post by threegirls on Dec 27, 2020 14:53:54 GMT
My daughter didn't click with her first therapist. She thought the therapist was nice but there just wasn't a connection. Her second therapist made the connection. I sit in on some of the sessions with her and my daughter's therapist is absolutely brilliant at getting the truth out of my daughter. She is incredibly skilled at asking tough questions without passing judgement or making my daughter feel uncomfortable. The therapist has her own private practice and unfortunately does not take insurance but she is worth her weight in gold.
Not all therapists are the same. Hopefully your daughter will give therapy another go and find a therapist that connects with her.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 2:35:49 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2020 15:06:29 GMT
I haven't read all the replies so please forgive me if it's been said already.
She needs to see a psychiatrist and get on meds for her depression and anxiety. She also needs a therapist to help her with BPD. My dd is BPD. The therapy that has helped her is DBT. It's pretty intensive therapy so she would have to agree to it in order for it to help her.
I'm sorry your dh intervened and made the situation worse. My dh has a tendency to do the same and I end up picking up the pieces. Your dd needs one of you on her side. She is struggling and basically lost right now. She needs someone that she can lean on and trust. You need to build up trust with her. Show her that you will support her. Don't put down any more rules right now. Her sleeping habit is because of her mental health issues. Don't punish her because of it, she can't control it.
As for the boyfriend after boyfriend, that is typical for BPD. I think once you build up trust, you will be able to influence her choices a little bit better. As I said, my dd has BPD and I've experienced this myself.
Don't give up hope yet. You still have plenty of time to corral this issue and turn it around. Maybe you could get a therapist for yourself to help you navigate this process. I'm hoping it all works out for you.
|
|
|
Post by mollycoddle on Dec 27, 2020 15:15:22 GMT
I'm just going to echo the need for regular family and individual therapy for all of you (or as many of you who will go). This. You have been given excellent advice. I hope that you will consider counseling for the rest of your family-or at least you and your husband.
|
|
peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,613
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
|
Post by peabay on Dec 27, 2020 15:18:07 GMT
You've received a lot of good advice: family therapy ASAP.
The relationships are a form of self-medicating - they are a distraction and a form of "high" for her. She needs to be on proper medication to regulate her mood so she doesn't need them.
Oh, and the birth control right away!!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 2:35:49 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2020 15:20:09 GMT
Please read this info about BPD. If she is in fact BPD, things are going to get a lot worse if it's untreated. Borderline Personality DisorderI've read some of the other responses and I have to disagree with most courses of action. The main issue here should not be her behavior, her behavior is just symptoms of the main cause which is the undiagnosed mental health issues. I urge you to look more into it before implementing these tough rules. Boundaries can be made later once she is under a doctor's care.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 15:31:04 GMT
Please read this info about BPD. If she is in fact BPD, things are going to get a lot worse if it's untreated. Borderline Personality DisorderI've read some of the other responses and I have to disagree with most courses of action. The main issue here should not be her behavior, her behavior is just symptoms of the main cause which is the undiagnosed mental health issues. I urge you to look more into it before implementing these tough rules. Boundaries can be made later once she is under a doctor's care. I appreciate this and I agree. Setting boundaries for someone with uncontrolled mental illness is futile. But I also disagree with the idea that mom needs to take stewardship of her adult child's mental illness. And I hope that wasn't what you were implying. I'm willing to pay the bills for doctor visits, medications, and therapies. I'm willing to be emotionally supportive as well. And I did the work when my children were underage to ensure they got a proper diagnosis. But I can't and neither can this mother help an adult child who isn't willing to help themselves. You can't force that. Every person on their own has to come to terms with their own mental illness. I was 27 when I came to terms with mine and sought treatment.
|
|
|
Post by worrywart on Dec 27, 2020 15:40:13 GMT
We're so stupid and gullible. You are not. Unfortunately, kids don't always take the easy path and can be inconsiderate and go back on their word. (((hugs)))
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 2:35:49 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2020 15:40:48 GMT
Please read this info about BPD. If she is in fact BPD, things are going to get a lot worse if it's untreated. Borderline Personality DisorderI've read some of the other responses and I have to disagree with most courses of action. The main issue here should not be her behavior, her behavior is just symptoms of the main cause which is the undiagnosed mental health issues. I urge you to look more into it before implementing these tough rules. Boundaries can be made later once she is under a doctor's care. I appreciate this and I agree. Setting boundaries for someone with uncontrolled mental illness is futile. But I also disagree with the idea that mom needs to take stewardship of her adult child's mental illness. And I hope that wasn't what you were implying. I'm willing to pay the bills for doctor visits, medications, and therapies. I'm willing to be emotionally supportive as well. And I did the work when my children were underage to ensure they got a proper diagnosis. But I can't and neither can this mother help an adult child who isn't willing to help themselves. You can't force that. Every person on their own has to come to terms with their own mental illness. I was 27 when I came to terms with mine and sought treatment. Yes I agree. That's why I previously said that dd would have to agree to therapy in order for it to help. You can't force anyone to do therapy. BTDT. But if mom went armed with some info about BPD and just planted a seed in dd's head, it could give dd hope. I'm sure dd is just completely overwhelmed. Anyway OP, feel free to pm me. I have a LOT of experience with what you are going through.
|
|
|
Post by catmom on Dec 27, 2020 16:08:04 GMT
Up front I want to say I don't even have kids, so I'm not going to pretend to have parenting advice. My heart goes out to you - the 'right' thing to do is just not obvious. It also sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you could use a break and some support. Burnout is real - please be sure to prioritize your health well-being.
To some extent I was like your daughter when she was 15, and to a much lesser extent like her at 19. It does sound like she is struggling more with mental health challenges than I was, and that has got to be tough on both of you.
Something that stood out to me in your description is that you seem to ascribe her behaviours as deliberate, on some level malicious or ill-intentioned, and directed at you. You seem almost invested in viewing her as the 'bad guy', like she's been cast in the role of black sheep and trouble maker and all her actions are seen through that lens. Just a thought - it could also be your emotional exhaustion talking.
I agree with others that family therapy, or therapy with just you and your dh would be immensely helpful. In fact, I think therapy to give you some support could be a really good thing.
|
|