momof4
Junior Member
Posts: 70
Dec 27, 2020 0:44:41 GMT
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Post by momof4 on Dec 28, 2020 1:57:13 GMT
She tried the meds for about 4-5 months from what I recall and said they didn't help. I suggested we go back to the doctor to get different meds, but she wasn't interested in doing that. She was close to 18 at that time, so I didn't think pushing the issue would lead to her compliance. My dd was on different meds for over a year and they didn't seem to work. We did a DNA test through Genesight and found out that she wasn't compatible with ALL of the meds she had been on. We switched them immediately and now a couple years later we definitely see a difference. I know you must be overwhelmed with all of this advice and info but I just wanted to throw that out there too. Because it was a game changer. I've heard of that test and offered to get her in for more help. She declined many times. In her mind, we're the problem and rest of the world is the problem. Thanks for your support. It's much appreciated.
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 28, 2020 2:57:37 GMT
momof4 It will all work out but for now relax and center yourself. Take a much needed break. Breathe.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 2:35:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2020 3:32:49 GMT
Hugs. Whomever she lied to in order to get a new place to live will soon learn the hard way the error of their ways. Your friends, the people whose opinion should matter to you, already know the truth. And her friends don’t sound like people whose good opinion you want anyway. Let that part of your stress go. I’m sorry it didn’t turn out better but it sounds like this is best for you and your hubby and other kids.
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Post by birukitty on Dec 28, 2020 3:58:34 GMT
How "briefly" is briefly? Several mental health medications need time (weeks) to build up to full efficacy-- it's not like taking an advil where you might get relief in 20 minutes. If she stopped because she felt it wasn't working, but she didn't give it enough time to work, you fall into that sort of chicken and the egg problem. Just something to bear in mind as you move forward, if you can get back to a place where she might take meds. Best wishes. She tried the meds for about 4-5 months from what I recall and said they didn't help. I suggested we go back to the doctor to get different meds, but she wasn't interested in doing that. She was close to 18 at that time, so I didn't think pushing the issue would lead to her compliance. What type of doctor prescribed the medication your daughter tried and also what typed of medication was it? Was your daughter diagnosed with a mental illness at this time and if so what was it? I agree 100% with all of the Pea's suggestions for therapy (and family therapy) but I also wanted to point out that in cases it is imperative that your daughter also see a psychiatrist. While GP doctors can prescribe anti depressants, you really need a psychiatrist to diagnosis mental illness. Therapists and counselors have their part and are equally as important. I think until you have an accurate diagnosis as to which mental illness (s) your daughter has it's going to be difficult to know how to proceed correctly with her. In my opinion it is critical that she see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. As far as the stigma goes think of it like this-mental illness is an illness that occurs in the brain. It happens because of a chemical imbalance in the brain. If that illness happened in the heart we'd call it heart disease. It's really not that different. It's a physical illness that occurs in a different part of the body than the heart-it's occurring in the brain-which is why we call it a mental illness. Sadly those two words together-mental illness have a bad connotation from the past when it was believed it was because people were "crazy" or "lunatics". Nowadays we are better educated and we know better. I wish we had a new word for it like brain illness, but we don't. All we can do is educate ourselves and others to remove the stigma of the past. It is difficult for anyone in the throes of mental illness to think clearly and understand how important it is that they see a psychiatrist and take their medication. That is when their loved ones can help. I believe what your daughter needs is love and understanding at this time. Do what you have to do to get her to a psychiatrist. Take away what privilege you have to-a cell phone seems to me to be the strongest currency, or keys to your car if she refuses to go. It will take some time to find a good doctor and set up an appointment. Most psychiatrists don't take insurance these days and appointments sometimes take weeks to get. Look up their reviews on some of the many doctor review sites or ask for recommendations. With your daughter's history with men I would suggest that she see a woman doctor so she focuses on the doctor and not on romantic thoughts during the appointments. I wish you the very best of luck. I've struggled with severe depression during my life and it can be very difficult. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 28, 2020 4:35:49 GMT
So I asked her to get back to a normal sleep cycle and be more involved with the family. So I spent endless hours helping her mend her broken heart over this latest guy and trying to get her back on her feet. She was still in school and struggling to keep up. But I thought things were getting back on track. She even said she missed us and always wanted to stay close to us. We're so stupid and gullible. She is at an age where there is a push/pull in relationships between young adults and their parents. You aren't stupid or gullible, but I seriously think there is a disconnect in your and her expectations over what it means to stay close. I have two young adults at home and have seen way more of them since March than in the last few years because their normal activities have been shut down. I think part of our success in having a good relationship is because we don't have many expectations of them. Don't leave shared spaces a mess or make noise when dad is sleeping is about it. They do have chores and help around the house. We all have slightly different eating schedules and only sit down together once or twice a week. I vividly remember living at home when I was 19-20 and avoiding eating with my parents, preferring to take care of myself so had no problem letting my kids feed themselves on their schedule. When I was in college I tried to have all my classes done before noon each day. DD wanted early classes, too, so I was shocked to see DS pick evening classes when he had other options. He had 3 time slots to write his finals: 9-11am, 3-5pm and 9-11pm. I thought he was insane picking the late slot but it was the most popular, so what do I know?
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Dec 28, 2020 4:41:16 GMT
I haven't weighed in because I have no advice. I do hope that you can work things out with her at some point.
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Post by Basket1lady on Dec 28, 2020 12:14:32 GMT
About your update—let this be a good thing. Sometimes space can heal a lot. Either the other family will see what she is really like or she will mend her ways and do better. But the immediate stress is off you for now. It doesn’t mean that she will never come back. In the meantime, I would encourage you to find a therapist and to seek family therapy for those who live at home. Your younger children may need some therapy as well to help them cope with all of this. Don’t think for a moment that this hasn’t had a huge impact on them.
Hugs. Being a parent is hard. I wish you only the best.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,613
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Dec 28, 2020 13:36:32 GMT
Just read your update - the only other thing I would say to her (if you haven't already) is "if you need or want to come home, you can. Please know that the door is always open - the only stipulation is that we attend family therapy. But call if you need us."
I just wouldn't want her to feel like she's painted herself into a corner she can't get out of if she needs to.
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Post by christine58 on Dec 28, 2020 13:51:45 GMT
UPDATE - we tried to discuss things with her and asked her to come home. But she refuses to compromise at all. I cant imagine the lies she spread about our family to convince people to let her move in with them (her boyfriend lives at home with his parents). She sees nothing wrong with her behaviour and thinks we're being extremely unreasonable. I'm sad but relieved in many ways. Now to focus on myself and the rest of my family. I wish we could have worked it out but that was clearly wishful thinking. Thanks for all your help and support Peas. I admire your outlook and how you truly took a lot of people's advice. Take care of you today. One never knows what the future holds!
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Post by elaine on Dec 28, 2020 15:59:59 GMT
Just read your update - the only other thing I would say to her (if you haven't already) is "if you need or want to come home, you can. Please know that the door is always open - the only stipulation is that we attend family therapy. But call if you need us." I just wouldn't want her to feel like she's painted herself into a corner she can't get out of if she needs to. This. ^^^ Use this breather as a time to catch up on your sleep and focus on your own health - physical and mental. ❤️ Try to let go of thoughts of what your daughter is saying to other people. By worrying about that, you continue to give her power over you. If she says something to someone that actually matters to you in your daily life, you will have the opportunity to share your side of the story. But, in reality, she is likely venting to people who won’t matter to you, just like you are venting here to people who don’t matter to your daughter. Let it go. (((Hugs)))
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Dec 28, 2020 16:20:21 GMT
I have about a million things to say but I can’t find the proper words. I’ll just say this-hugs. You’re doing the best you can. I have a 21 yo daughter who is pregnant with first grandchild and I may not get to see it because I put up boundaries on my daughter. She sounds similar to your daughter. I have borderline personality disorder and my daughter likely has it or bipolar. She refuses to get help (we offered to pay for any medication she might need) and just blanes me for passing on my mental illness. Her dad enables her by letting her come and go as she pleases when she needs a place to live. She’s cycled through boyfriends her entire life and was very highly sexual from a young age. I knew she would get pregnant young because she wanted to. And she made it to 21. I love her and miss her everyday but I cannot handle the things she says yo me if I dare say anything g she doesn’t like. I have 2 other children to think about. Am I harsh? Yes. For my own sanity.
Anyways sorry for my tangent. I get where you are and I feel for you. <3
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momof4
Junior Member
Posts: 70
Dec 27, 2020 0:44:41 GMT
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Post by momof4 on Dec 28, 2020 16:47:17 GMT
I have about a million things to say but I can’t find the proper words. I’ll just say this-hugs. You’re doing the best you can. I have a 21 yo daughter who is pregnant with first grandchild and I may not get to see it because I put up boundaries on my daughter. She sounds similar to your daughter. I have borderline personality disorder and my daughter likely has it or bipolar. She refuses to get help (we offered to pay for any medication she might need) and just blanes me for passing on my mental illness. Her dad enables her by letting her come and go as she pleases when she needs a place to live. She’s cycled through boyfriends her entire life and was very highly sexual from a young age. I knew she would get pregnant young because she wanted to. And she made it to 21. I love her and miss her everyday but I cannot handle the things she says yo me if I dare say anything g she doesn’t like. I have 2 other children to think about. Am I harsh? Yes. For my own sanity. Anyways sorry for my tangent. I get where you are and I feel for you. <3 Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going through similar things. Yesterday, I felt relieved but today I'm back to feeling confused. I don't know how my child can be so manipulative. I worry she'll get pregnant too and that I'll miss it. I want to be in her life but refuse to be her dumping ground. I've done it for 4+ years and it's taken a huge toll on my health. I need to be here for my other kids but feel conflicted on my parenting skills. Hugs to you and I wish you luck with your own children. Parenting is the most thankless job in the world.
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momof4
Junior Member
Posts: 70
Dec 27, 2020 0:44:41 GMT
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Post by momof4 on Dec 28, 2020 16:55:39 GMT
Just read your update - the only other thing I would say to her (if you haven't already) is "if you need or want to come home, you can. Please know that the door is always open - the only stipulation is that we attend family therapy. But call if you need us." I just wouldn't want her to feel like she's painted herself into a corner she can't get out of if she needs to. I opened up our home to her and tried to mend fences, but she's not interested in any of that right now. She knows my door and heart are open to her as I've told her this many times. She's already willingly put herself in bad situations and continues to do so. I can't fix that. I do appreciate your support though. Just feeling exhausted by the whole thing.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 28, 2020 17:02:33 GMT
I need to be here for my other kids but feel conflicted on my parenting skills. Hugs to you and I wish you luck with your own children. Parenting is the most thankless job in the world. I know exactly how you feel. I sat there for years doubting my parenting skills. I shook my head wondering where I went wrong. How could things possibly be as bad as they were? Some humor for you. My daughter called me hysterical one night in the middle of the night. Scared me half to death that she was in real trouble. When I finally got her calm enough to understand what she was saying, she told me I was a horrible mother. Why? Because I should have given her $10 more a week in allowance when she was 14. This is how our arguments go. This is her trauma. And every time she starts in on something I just think back to that night. She has no major beef with me. She was always safe, loved, take care of, and treated fairly. She is searching so hard to find something to fault me. And this is exactly the kind of stuff she comes up with. When I really sat and thought about it I realized that I wasn't a perfect mother by any means, but the things she chooses to get worked up about are so random and ridiculous. I'm not punishing myself or walking around anymore thinking I failed her. This night was my turning point.
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momof4
Junior Member
Posts: 70
Dec 27, 2020 0:44:41 GMT
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Post by momof4 on Dec 28, 2020 17:12:28 GMT
I need to be here for my other kids but feel conflicted on my parenting skills. Hugs to you and I wish you luck with your own children. Parenting is the most thankless job in the world. I know exactly how you feel. I sat there for years doubting my parenting skills. I shook my head wondering where I went wrong. How could things possibly be as bad as they were? Some humor for you. My daughter called me hysterical one night in the middle of the night. Scared me half to death that she was in real trouble. When I finally got her calm enough to understand what she was saying, she told me I was a horrible mother. Why? Because I should have given her $10 more a week in allowance when she was 14. This is how our arguments go. This is her trauma. And every time she starts in on something I just think back to that night. She has no major beef with me. She was always safe, loved, take care of, and treated fairly. She is searching so hard to find something to fault me. And this is exactly the kind of stuff she comes up with. When I really sat and thought about it I realized that I wasn't a perfect mother by any means, but the things she chooses to get worked up about are so random and ridiculous. I'm not punishing myself or walking around anymore thinking I failed her. This night was my turning point. Thanks for sharing your story, it definitely gave me a chuckle and sounds so familiar. I never said I was a perfect mother and have been honest about my own struggles with my kids. But my daughter definitely lives in alternate universe where her life is "soooo difficult" and we're just too demanding of her precious time/energy. It's funny how I know she'll be hunkering down, getting a job, waking up earlier and being the "perfect tenant" at her boyfriend's parent's home. But here, she was struggling too much to do anything except play online games all night. As my husband likes to say, we will be her safety net but not her hammock. I'm trying to embrace that idea.
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desertgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,646
Jun 26, 2014 15:58:05 GMT
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Post by desertgirl on Dec 28, 2020 17:41:26 GMT
momof4 - So many other RP's have given you great, solid advice, much of it due to their personal and professional experience so I won't say any more about that. I have not read the entire thread and some may have already advised you to do this, but in your self-care routine should come writing about your current feelings. It does not have to be long or fancy or publish-worthy. It should be something for self-care, for your own well-being, and not another pressure point in your life. Get a piece of paper and record your thoughts and feelings - that's all. You need a place to dump them and move on slightly each time from all that stuff inside you. I'm also going to say a big HUGS and HOPE for your own recovery from this. "Momming" is hard!
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