WWYD - Help me parent my adult daughter Update on Pg 1

Car privileges? Is it her car?

She's an adult. There is not a lot you can do about her personal life. She's obviously searching for something. Will she go back to counseling? Sometimes it isn't something you quit doing when you are better.

As for the house, you house, your rules, but remember she is an adult who has lived on her own.

For me? I'd make her pay rent. Most of the rent would go into a savings account meant for her so that she could move out again.

I guess you spelled out expectations. She didn't like them, so she can figure out alternative living arrangements as an adult. It is very hard to stand by and watch them make mistakes. Just keep doing what you're doing, being a safe place to land.
I'm dreading the next few years too, as my dd is 17. I'm also looking forward to her maturing and hopefully acknowledging my pearls of wisdom. 🤞

wow I really feel for you. I have 2 kids around that age and one has fallen into the same pattern of staying up until 4am and sleeping until 2pm. Since you asked what you should have done I will offer advice. Of course everyone has different ideas, but here are mine.
Don't focus about what you should have done. Instead figure out what you want/need to happen. Then make sure every action/conversation you and your husband have with all 3 kids are leading you in that direction. You can't change the past.
Parent the 2 younger kids as individuals. Tell them straight up. "Your sister is doing x, we are trying to do x (your goal). We are struggling with her BUT that is not you. We have a different relationship with you and that's why you must be respectful of us and we will be respectful of you." Then talk about their specific behaviour and your specific expectations.
Parent your older child the best way you know how. If that means she pays rent, follow through. If that means your household is off electronics and in bed by x time then follow through. She needs to know you care, you mean what you say, and you follow through. And as difficult as this is do not engage in any escalating behaviour, whatever that is for her. For my child it means we don't raise our voices because yelling really sets them off, so I try SO HARD to say exactly what I mean and no yelling. I might walk away and take some time out. I might repeat my "request" 3 times. But I don't yell.
Finally, know that you are not alone. Other parents struggle with their young adult children too. I feel for you.

If your primary goal is to have her come back home, figure out what you need to do to have that happen. Honestly everyone- children, young adults, older adults we all crave the level of consistency that comes with knowing what to expect. She might be angry or frustrated but you can give her the knowledge that you care, want to help, and have certain rules that must be followed. She said she wanted to be close to you. You weren't "stupid or gullible". She told you what she was feeling. She is just struggling with her own life and staying on track is hard. Especially with mental illness. AND in a pandemic.

1. You need FAMILY therapy- dd, you and Dh. Not just dd alone. That should be the first prerequisite of being allowed to live in your home. With that list of mental health issues, it would be helpful for all 3 of you to be in therapy together.

2. Get your sleep. Don’t let her sleep habits affect yours. If she stays out late, go to bed. She is an adult. Don’t be quiet around the house in the morning. Make as much noise as your life necessitates. If it wakes her, oh well.

3. If she is passing classes, she is passing classes and being successful at college. It might not be the GPA you want to her to have, but it is actually a big positive that she is passing classes.

4. Why does she need to be engaged with you 24/7? Not many young adults in college that I know of are mega-engaged all their waking hours. I would relax that expectation a lot. If she doesn’t eat dinner with you every night, that is okay - not many high school seniors eat with their families more than a couple of nights per week, the same with college students. 

Back to #1, you, Dh and dd should consider family therapy- at least once per week, maybe more if your insurance will help cover the costs. I think that there are probably many family dynamics at play, and this isn’t all solely your daughter’s issue.

Make sure she has some form of long acting birth control - IUD or an implant, etc. You can’t control who she sees and sleeps with, but you can help ensure that she doesn’t make you a grandmother right now. Don’t rely on her to consistently take a pill. Provide a big box of condoms to be used along with the other birth control.

Her sleeping/waking hours are not super unusual for that age group. I’m curious why they are stressful for you? If she’s being noisy late at night, address that, and if she’s sleeping though classes that you’re paying for, address that. I don’t control my 19 year old daughter’s sleep schedule, but I do require that she is respectful of those who are trying to sleep. And she figured out pretty quickly that morning classes were not for her, and stopped registering for them. We’ve made it clear that we only pay for the first time for her to take any class. If she fails something and has to retake it, she has to find a way to pay for it.

When you’re both in a good frame of mind, try talking to her about what goals she has for her life. At 19, she may very well have no idea what she wants to do, but it’s time to start thinking about it. There is likely an advisor at her college who can administer personality and aptitude tests that might start her thinking. I find that my 19 year old is much more amenable to restrictions she sets for herself because they dovetail with the goals she has set for herself. Restrictions I set, for which she may see no purpose, are much less popular with her.

We do pay for our dd’s car and insurance, because she needs it to get to school and work, but we also require her to pay for her own gas, which limits how much cavorting around she can do with friends and boyfriend. If she has no gas money, she stays home. We do that in part because she has chosen to date a boy with no education, job, or apparent life ambitions, and we’re not subsidizing her choice by giving her money to drive him around. Our hope is that she will eventually tire of being the only one supporting the relationship.

I also found it helpful to talk with a therapist about all of this. Sometimes an objective eye helps us see things differently. Even if she will not see the therapist with you (my kid won’t - she sees her therapist and I see mine, separately), go on your own. Learning tools that you can use in specific situations can be helpful.

Good luck. I swear young adults are much more difficult to parent than toddlers.

Having read more - don’t tiptoe around. If she chooses to sleep odd hours, she chooses to that there may be some household noise while she is sleeping. You pay the mortgage, not her, so the same does not apply to her when you are sleeping.

Two, let go of the idea of family dinner. If she wants a cooked dinner, she can show up when it’s time. Otherwise, she can cook for herself, and clean up, too.

Take the keys.  Not her car, she can’t drive it.

I would not tip toe around. I would go about my normal daily activities. If they disturb her rest, too bad. You have a household to run. 

Her sleep schedule should no affect yours. Personally, I would go to bed when I normally do (around 10) and get up and start my day when I normally do (around 6). Laundry gets started early here since we are on time of use. Coffee maker makes noise. Cooking makes noise. My kids make noise. If she doesn’t like it, it’s on her. Your post makes it sound like you are catering to her. Don’t. Cook dinner, if she wants to eat then she’ll join you. I’d charge her rent and put it in a savings acct for later. Chores. That help with upkeep of the house should be agreed on. She should be doing her own laundry (don’t know if she is or not). Who pays for her cell phone?

As someone who has been in a similar spot as your DD:

I was searching for attention/affection. From anyone who would give it to me. Not saying that is what your DD is doing though.


In a perfect world, I would suggest you, DH, DD go to family counseling. But it isn't perfect. If it comes down to it, you may just need to go yourself for a while. If for nothing else, just to vent and get a new perspective on things. It helped me when I had major life changes about 2 to 2.5 years ago. I am tempted to go back with everything going on now. And hopefully if you go and DH and DD see how it helps, maybe they will join you.

I would also suggest to see if you can find some sort of support group. My local behavioral clinic offers several.