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Post by flanz on Nov 11, 2014 6:06:18 GMT
Dear Family to whom this email is addressed, Just wanted to you let you know that Nantini's Diner is going to be CLOSED on thanksgiving and christmas this year. In other words-- y'all are on your own. Love, Nantini Perfection, this!
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Post by flanz on Nov 11, 2014 6:08:06 GMT
You know I think you hit the nail on the head canadianscrappergirl, I am not making the memories I want to make. I'm sending it out tomorrow in a group text. I know I'll get some pushback, but I need to stand firm. it's totally my fault for letting this get as bad as it has. Did I mention that once my stepmother threw up in my front yard because my food made her sick? Yeah, she played human blender with the cocktails. Those are memories I need to forget! Stand firm! the refupeas have your back!!
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Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Nov 11, 2014 7:12:02 GMT
Committing the pea sin of replying before reading both pages... PLEASE send the text! I am done hosting elaborate occasions for random ungrateful, unmannered people and their feral children. I don't miss it at all! Off to read now.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 11, 2014 13:04:13 GMT
You know I think you hit the nail on the head canadianscrappergirl, I am not making the memories I want to make. I'm sending it out tomorrow in a group text. I know I'll get some pushback, but I need to stand firm. it's totally my fault for letting this get as bad as it has. Did I mention that once my stepmother threw up in my front yard because my food made her sick? Yeah, she played human blender with the cocktails. Those are memories I need to forget! So glad that you are going to put an end to it. That is an insane amount of people coming and especially not helping! Time to scale back to just your immediate family. Think that is the natural progression of things for most. When I was little we spent most holidays with my mom's brother/sil. Once the kids all starting having families we stuck more to "our" family because the families become too large. Good luck, hopefully you'll have a wonderful, more relaxing holiday season.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,333
Jun 27, 2014 12:39:18 GMT
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Post by amom23 on Nov 11, 2014 13:16:01 GMT
Sounds like you have every right to stop hosting, but when you send that text don't apologize to any of them. You have no reason to be sorry for not wanting to host anymore. Just keep it all matter of fact. And honestly I would make plans to not be home on Thanksgiving so that nobody can just show up expecting a meal.
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Post by maryland on Nov 11, 2014 13:46:32 GMT
My mom gets stressed hosting a group. She would prefer to spend time with people, not cooking cleaning up. She makes many dishes, but also gets stouffers frozen cheese macaroni instead of doing it homemade. The grandkids devour it! She also uses "nice" throwaway dishes and utensils. that way she can spend time with everyone instead of people doing clean up and missing out. None of us care if we have fancy dishes, we just enjoy spending time together (we don't see everyone much, we are out of town).
I don't blame you for spending time the way you want to and not worrying about people who don't appreciate it.
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SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,612
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Nov 11, 2014 13:53:18 GMT
Honestly, I think if it's stressing you out to the point that you are unable to enjoy the holidays then I say stop hosting. Just host your immediate family. If you think you could incorporate some suggestions above (everyone bring a dish, everyone helping clean up) then I'd send a message to the extended family saying as much. You shouldn't sacrifice your holiday at the expense of others. I think you need to figure out what your are comfortable doing, what would allow you to enjoy the holidays.
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
SLPea
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Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Nov 11, 2014 14:08:08 GMT
Send it! Time to give yourself a break this year.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Nov 11, 2014 14:14:04 GMT
I opened the thread to say "good for you! Go for it!" but after reading, it sounded like some of it is self imposed. You're expecting some horses to jump pretty high, that don't know how to jump at all. My MIL is not a great cook, she does pretty good but I know she doesn't enjoy it at all. I've had pizza and KFC for Christmas at their house. You know what? I love their COMPANY so I really don't care about a turkey on fine china vs a chicken leg on a paper plate. In the end is it REALLY that big of a deal??
What I'm hearing is that you LOVE to do the big dinner with all the trimmings and décor to go along. that's wonderful! I'd suggest going to the subs and beans dinner and enjoy your family, and then have a big Christmas party for your friends (smaller group) that will appreciate all the hard work you put into it.
I still think you should send the letter.
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Post by deshacrafts on Nov 11, 2014 14:16:31 GMT
Send the letter and have a smaller more intimate group of your choosing for the holidays. You will have such a sense of relief once you do it.
Please let us know the response you get from the now "uninvited" guests.
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Post by krc11 on Nov 11, 2014 14:27:33 GMT
I'd send the text/email and let them know you are not doing Thanksgiving but I would be sure to be gone on Thanksgiving. Maybe you can go to your immediate family's house for Thanksgiving this year. My guess is that some of those people would still show up for dinner, especially if they got wind that you were doing a smaller dinner.
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Post by whopea on Nov 11, 2014 14:28:41 GMT
This is an interesting dilemma. Some of the stress sounds self-imposed. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but sometimes we put ourselves in situations that cause us stress and harm relationships. Instead of uninviting guests this year, I would first attempt to set a more friendly set of guidelines. Something like, "I really enjoy hosting family dinners at the holidays. Planning, preparing and cleaning up has gotten to be more than I can handle this year. In that spirit, we'd love to open our house to you again this Thanksgiving. If each of you would kindly bring a dish, that would be great. So we don't end up with all desserts, please check with what you're bringing."
Then, let them bring a dish, serve it and have a list of things that need to be done afterward. Say, Sue, why don't you get started on packaging leftovers. Sally, here's the first load of dishes. Jane, here's a few towels.
Take control, try it this way, then if you get no dishes and no help, then decline to host in the future.
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Post by BuddyJovieMom on Nov 11, 2014 14:32:03 GMT
Just a question, can you send out an email saying "Dinner is at 2:00. We are providing turkey, stuffing and gravy. Here's the list of other items. Sign up for what you want to bring and reply all. Remember, your dish needs to serve about 20 people. Please RSVP by Monday prior to Thanksgiving. If we don't hear from you and what you are bringing, we will know you are not coming. Hope to see you. Happy Thxg!" That's what I do, only I don't have to say anything about not coming. Everyone rsvps and brings items. Only seems fair, especially to the hosting family. Try it for a year and see what the response is. If they don't have email, send them a nice invite in the mail asking them to contact you with their food assignment, and that if you don't hear from them, to enjoy their other plans this year.
I'd save yourself some time and go easy on all the set up.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,969
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Nov 11, 2014 14:39:35 GMT
Holy shit!!!! You really are being taken advantage of. In our family, everybody brings something, and we all pitch in in the clean-up.
I don't think it's too late to stop it this year.
Seriously, I would let them all know now. I'd just tell them that it's become too much for you, and you will no longer be doing the family dinner for holidays. I wouldn't say you're just doing immediate family, because from that previous thread, there are different ideas as to what immediate family is!
I can't believe how much they've been taking advantage of you. Wow.
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Post by bigbundt on Nov 11, 2014 14:41:41 GMT
I don't see any issue with scaling back. While I do agree some of this seems to be self imposed, I don't know that changing the plans all of a sudden (asking people to bring things, clean up) would go over well. Your family has an expectation of dinners at your house and it is sometimes hard to do something a certain way for years and then try to make a big change all of a sudden. And I mean hard for the people who are not used to doing anything. Maybe send out a text saying you will not be hosting and then in a couple of years reboot hosting. I'll bet having these people experience a Thanksgiving somewhere else or hosting it themselves, they will be more receptive to contributing more and appreciating the effort you do put into these dinners.
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Post by Lindarina on Nov 11, 2014 14:42:13 GMT
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I find this so rude! They're just stopping by your house to eat your food, before leaving for something else? In my family, if you're invited to a dinner event (not just swinging by and share a pizza), you stay there and socialize with your host the rest of that evening. You don't just eat and fly off to something better.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 0:30:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 14:42:33 GMT
Boundaries. You need to get some and fast.
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Post by littlemama on Nov 11, 2014 14:46:46 GMT
OP, I think your biggest issue isn't the people, but rather your high expectations of what the holidays mean. I can almost guarantee that you are the only one who cares about the china, crystal, and beautiful tablescapes. What everyone else cares about is gathering together to enjoy each other's company. Instead of sending an e-mail cancelling the extended family holiday, send one asking each family to contribute to the meal. Either assign an part of the meal (not specific dishes) or ask them to call you to see what's needed. THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO DO IT ALL. I honestly think you have done this to yourself. If you don't want to host any more, then don't, but there is no need to send a snarky text or email. You are the one who didn't think subs and baked beans were good enough, you are the one who didn't request everyone to bring something, you are the one who decided to give gifts to the kids (it doesn't sound like any type of gift exchange was discussed at least).
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Post by knit.pea on Nov 11, 2014 14:52:32 GMT
How are the invitations to the dinners given; verbally, email, or "assumed"? I would bet some of the "assumed" would still show up anyway, even if you opted out Short and simple ... "We will not be hosting X or X this year. Happy Holidays!"
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
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Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Nov 11, 2014 14:57:04 GMT
Yep I would send an email or text (or both). Give your dad and your kids a heads up. They are taking advantage of you and will continue to do until you put a stop to it. ^^^this^^^. Do you really enjoy having and cooking these dinners? Even if you sent an email out you would still have family show up because clearly that email didn't mean them. You will have to stop having any kind of dinner celebration for a couple of years to get the message across.
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scrapnnana
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Jun 29, 2014 18:58:47 GMT
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Post by scrapnnana on Nov 11, 2014 15:00:57 GMT
I like the previous suggestions for what to say, but you need to make it clear that it is not just for this year that you are not hosting, but from now on. If you really want to burn your bridges and if you are brave enough, this is another suggestion on how to word the text:
"Dear extended family,
I will no longer be hosting Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners. It's time for someone else to take over, not only for this year but also for the coming years. I have already done my share and then some. I am really looking forward to nice, relaxing holidays from now on.
Let us know who is taking over and where we are to show up.
Nantini"
Of course, you won't need to RSVP, or actually show up if anyone else decides to take over the job (unlikely). It sounds like no one ever bothered to give you any courtesy.
Just in case they miss the memo, to make absolutely sure you have no unwanted guests still come to your house, put a sign on the door that morning that says, "Gone to ________ (insert the name of a restaurant that is some distance away). Happy Thanksgiving!" Make sure the garage door is closed, and if you do invite anyone else to come to your home, have them park in front of a neighbor's house instead. Then you can have a nice, quiet, private dinner at home with your own family.
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Post by gailoh on Nov 11, 2014 15:01:45 GMT
Time to close the kitchen and yes send out the text/emails...they have been so rude, YOU deserve better then this...hugs
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Nov 11, 2014 15:09:39 GMT
I host that many for Thanksgiving. I got overwhelmed the first year by all the dishes. My dh's grandmother, in her 80's told me "Life is too short, why don't you just use paper plates for crying out loud". So every year since we decorate the table with kraft paper and burlap and paper plates. I'm not even kidding. The only dishes that get washed are the serving dishes and everyone brings potluck so they wash their big dish. If grandma, the matriarch doesn't care, then no one should. So if you want to keep hosting because you enjoy the people but not the work, take it down a few notches.
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Nov 11, 2014 15:16:03 GMT
You know I think you hit the nail on the head canadianscrappergirl, I am not making the memories I want to make. I'm sending it out tomorrow in a group text. I know I'll get some pushback, but I need to stand firm. it's totally my fault for letting this get as bad as it has. Did I mention that once my stepmother threw up in my front yard because my food made her sick? Yeah, she played human blender with the cocktails. Those are memories I need to forget! Yay I am so glad you realized you need to stand firm. I had the same realization years ago with my kids our situation was we traveled every where each year so all our in laws/parents could see the kids. One Christmas day as we were rushing to get ready to go and our kids were crying and having a melt down because they couldn't take all their new toys with them it hit me WTH are we doing. I realized my kids memories of Christmas were going to be like my hubby's when he was little rushing around every holiday trying to make others happy and making no memories of your own. I ended up having a melt down with them and that was the last holiday we went anywhere. Once or twice I had family over and we ended up hating those Christmases/thanksgivings. We realized we wanted to celebrate holidays as a family by ourselves.
My kids to this day thank us for making that decision, they love having memories of Christmas's past that aren't of them running all over or of having a houseful of relatives over
Please let us know how things work out and what the fall out is, what ever it is I think it will be worth reclaiming your holidays and your memory making of them!!
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Post by LAM88 on Nov 11, 2014 15:21:31 GMT
It seems to me that years of resentment to the point where you don't want any of your family around could have been avoided by simply asking for help and communicating your expectations. Email everyone and tell them you need to know exactly how many people are coming and tell them what time to arrive. Make it clear that nothing will be ready before that time (you really shouldn't have put out appetizers for the people who came early). If they don't RSVP then email them again and again or call until they do. And then you tell them what you would like them to bring (appetizer, dessert, etc.) and they should let you know when they have decided what they are bringing so you don't end up with 10 Sara Lee pumpkin pies. There is no shame in telling your family that it is just too much for you to do alone and that you expect EVERYONE to pitch in. I'm thinking you haven't made that clear in the past and just hoped people would step up and do the right thing. But years of experience have told you that for whatever reason, no one is helping, out so you need to speak up. Perhaps they think you prefer it this way. I know when I was a kid, my mom and her family/friends had an unwritten rule that nobody worked when they came to her house, and she didn't work when she went to other people's houses. That's they way they liked to entertain and it worked for them, but they all took turns with the entertaining too. Is it possible that your family has the impression you prefer to do things your way without their "interference?" Regardless, it's really not too late to change things up if you still want to celebrate the holidays together with your family. You just have to kae the rules clear. Good luck!
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calgal08
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,519
Jun 27, 2014 15:43:46 GMT
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Post by calgal08 on Nov 11, 2014 15:25:06 GMT
I wouldn't even send the e-mail. I wouldn't do a thing, including cooking. I would make a reservation for late afternoon at a restaurant to eat with my immediate family. When extended family knocked at the door I'd be in my jammies, give them a blank stare, tell them it's nice they stopped by to say "hi" but you're about to get ready to go out for dinner with your family.
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Post by shanni on Nov 11, 2014 15:29:13 GMT
So glad to see you are planning to send a text. I think you will be much happier just hosting for your immediate family, or maybe not hosting at all. Let us know how it goes!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 0:30:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 15:41:00 GMT
If somebody broke one of my glasses the owner of the shit that did it would not leave until they paid for it unless it was some horrible accident. Time to go out for a nice meal. Geesh. Hosting is a gracious business...some people just aren't built for it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 0:30:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 16:03:36 GMT
You do have choices. If you hate hosting period, then just end it.
If you like getting together, but don't want all the work:
Yes, paper plates are fine, we use them at our family stuff. So is asking each family to bring a dish to pass. For our extended family stuff, we always all bring something. That way the host is only doing the meat.
Send an email saying "Hi everyone, I love seeing everyone on the holidays, but it is a lot of work to do by myself. If you all would like to continue to get together, I would like ask that each family volunteer to bring a dish to pass. I would be happy to cook the turkey." If that is not acceptable, that is okay too, but I will let someone else take over.
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GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Nov 11, 2014 16:11:27 GMT
raindancer, I love your table decor! Consider it scrap-lifted. Or in this case is it table-lifted? Sorry for the hijack.
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