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Post by nantini on Nov 11, 2014 3:26:33 GMT
I really do want to send that text. Or better yet, how about "Since I only see you twice a year, we've moved. Have a happy holiday!" Gee, I'm really struggling with this. I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world that thinks this way.
A little back story here... I started cooking Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner for my immediate family and extended family about 12 years ago. I think I took over when someone decided to serve sub sandwiches and BBB beans on china. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Who does that? Anyway, I offered to take the job over.
So, for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve I cook for 35+ people. Full dinner service with tablescapes that I go all out on. People bring their extended families, many never rsvp and no one except my dad and kids bring anything. There's no help in cleanup either from this extended group.
Last year a group came an hour early since they were going to the movies. An hour early! Yeah they never rsvp'd and ate all the appetizers because the turkey wasn't done. I was still in my sweats and no where near ready for guests. They left dirty plates on the main table and actually ended up breaking one crystal goblet. To which I was told, oh well if you can afford that stuff... Never mind the fact that I saved for it and have bought pieces over the last 10 years are so.
Over the years I've always purchased gifts for the kids that come. These extended families never bring for my grandkids, but for the other extended family. So last year I didn't give out gifts to them. Of course I didn't see the look on their faces because I spent the whole time doing dishes. By the time I was finished most of them had left.
If you've followed me this far thanks. Actually as I reread this I should easily be able to send that text.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,509
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
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Post by ellen on Nov 11, 2014 3:31:36 GMT
Send out a text saying you will spend the holiday with your dad, kids, and grandkids. The rest of them are on their own. Feel no guilt.
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,057
Jul 4, 2014 6:57:02 GMT
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Post by AllieC on Nov 11, 2014 3:33:15 GMT
Oh my goodness, that would absolutely not fly with me! The only way things will change though is to do something about it. Either everyone has to help or you don't do it at all. Some people probably wouldn't be surprised - they will take advantage for as long as someone else is doing it for them.
May be too late for this year? If so, I would say at the event this year - enjoy because this is the last one I am hosting due to the cost and the work involved.
It sounds like a nightmare with very rude guests and I wouldn't put up with it.
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MDscrapaholic
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,375
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Nov 11, 2014 3:33:45 GMT
Send it. You'll feel better.
This year just have your immediate family. It will be much nicer and maybe you'll enjoy it more. If someone outside of your immediate family says something, tell them to host it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 1:35:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 3:33:48 GMT
I think if someone is going to do holidays to the extent that you do them, they need to be one of they crazy generous souls (which I'm not! LOL) who do it all because they love to entertain and give give give. If they don't, it's really a thankless job with little to no appreciation. And I'd bet at least some of them ARE grateful, you just don't hear about it. I would refuse to do dishes and cleanup in this scenario in the first place. "The cook doesn't clean up" at our house That's what kids are for and, if they're too young, make the men do it. Anyhow, it sounds like you've clearly done your time and since it's not fun or rewarding, it's time to let it go. Please do so with a clean conscience. You don't owe anyone and it's someone else's turn to take over. Hope you have wonderful, relaxing holidays this year!
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Nov 11, 2014 3:38:32 GMT
Dear Family to whom this email is addressed,
Just wanted to you let you know that Nantini's Diner is going to be CLOSED on thanksgiving and christmas this year.
In other words-- y'all are on your own.
Love, Nantini
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Nov 11, 2014 3:44:10 GMT
Ok, maybe this is exactly why the previous person served subs and beans.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,884
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Nov 11, 2014 3:48:53 GMT
You need to step up and say something now. Tell them you are having a very small celebration with immediate family members. Then go all out for your immediate family, and your dad, since he always helped out by bringing something.
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GiantsFan
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Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Nov 11, 2014 3:52:48 GMT
35+ people with little to no help? Darn straight I would send a text saying, "I'm not hosting a get together this year. Happy Thanksgiving!"
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Post by msbee on Nov 11, 2014 4:01:35 GMT
Yep I would send an email or text (or both). Give your dad and your kids a heads up.
They are taking advantage of you and will continue to do until you put a stop to it.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 11, 2014 4:01:36 GMT
I'd find a polite way to let everyone know right now while they still have time to make other plans that while you've enjoyed hosting holidays in the past, it's all just become way too much for one person. (Which is true!) So this year your gift to yourself is that you're scaling back. WAY back. It's your turn to be the guest being waited on for a change!
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Post by Mary_K on Nov 11, 2014 4:02:43 GMT
I host Thanksgiving every year for about 20 - 25 family & friends.
EVERYONE brings something. They wouldn't dream of not. Everyone helps with set up & clean up.
I'd NEVER cook for your family again!
Mary K
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Nov 11, 2014 4:06:31 GMT
I would not have the least bit of guilt over sending a text like that to my family if they treated me like that, start having some lasting memorable holidays with your immediate family, before you know your kids will be grown and gone and the only memories you will have of holidays is spending it with a bunch of selfish ignorant people, sorry just my opinion.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Nov 11, 2014 4:13:21 GMT
You don't have to host. It's a choice you're making. So this year make the choice to not host, or make the choice to be firm and ask others to bring something or clean up or whatever it is you want that would make the day easier.
I'm sure many of your family appreciate what you do and look forward to it every year. Maybe they just don't know how to step up and help. I know that might seem silly but when I read posts like this I think back to all the times I just showed up, empty handed, and didn't help clean. It wasn't because I didn't want to do anything, I just felt awkward and like an outsider and while I offered to bring something and was told but to maybe I should have insisted.
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Post by nantini on Nov 11, 2014 4:17:51 GMT
You know I think you hit the nail on the head canadianscrappergirl, I am not making the memories I want to make. I'm sending it out tomorrow in a group text. I know I'll get some pushback, but I need to stand firm.
it's totally my fault for letting this get as bad as it has. Did I mention that once my stepmother threw up in my front yard because my food made her sick? Yeah, she played human blender with the cocktails. Those are memories I need to forget!
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Post by Sassenach on Nov 11, 2014 4:18:45 GMT
I completely agree with what everyone else has said. Stop being a martyr. They are using you and it needs to stop! Send that text and enjoy the holiday with those you love.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 1:35:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 4:21:39 GMT
I'd find a polite way to let everyone know right now while they still have time to make other plans that while you've enjoyed hosting holidays in the past, it's all just become way too much for one person. (Which is true!) So this year your gift to yourself is that you're scaling back. WAY back. It's your turn to be the guest being waited on for a change!
Dear extended family, while I have enjoyed hosting our thanksgiving and Christmas dinners in the past, it's all just become way too much for one person. So, starting this year, I am scaling back and will no longer be hosting the group dinners. Happy holidays to you all. Love, Nantini ------------- what are you waiting for? Send the text, then have your dad and your kids over for dinner and enjoy yourself.
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happymomma
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Posts: 4,078
Aug 6, 2014 23:57:56 GMT
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Post by happymomma on Nov 11, 2014 4:22:18 GMT
I'd find a polite way to let everyone know right now while they still have time to make other plans that while you've enjoyed hosting holidays in the past, it's all just become way too much for one person. (Which is true!) So this year your gift to yourself is that you're scaling back. WAY back. It's your turn to be the guest being waited on for a change!
Perfect wording! You obviously have a kind and generous heart. However, we can only be taken advantage of if we allow it. I think that the time is NOW to put that message out there. Resolve to spend a beautiful holiday season with just your immediate family. They are the only ones that help, and they deserve you to be relaxed and happy! As someone else said, do this with a clear conscience, as you have more than done your share over the years. We are all giving you permission to enjoy this year's festivities instead of just make sure others do.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Nov 11, 2014 4:22:25 GMT
When DH was alive I was always the one who hosted his family for holiday dinners. Those were the only times we saw them unless we happened to run into them around town. Once he died I quit hosting and in the 9 years he's been gone the only time I've been invited to their house for anything has been a bridal shower and of course I felt like they just wanted the gift.
if I were you I'd just announce that it's time to pass the torch and you will no longer be hosting holiday dinners. Really, what do you have to lose? A bunch of uncouth guests? Sounds like a win to me.
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Post by mztfied on Nov 11, 2014 4:27:39 GMT
Do it!! Send the text and begin to enjoy the holidays the way YOU want them to be.
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Post by ptamom on Nov 11, 2014 4:36:36 GMT
Goodness, I always host Thanksgiving, but Christmas, Easter, and Independence Day are hosted by the other families. It has irked me a bit when our Thanksgiving guests arrived late, then dashed out early for Black Friday sales. But, I do love Thanksgiving, and am thrilled to not have to host my huge extended family otherwise.
I would not continue if I were you. At your Thanksgiving gathering, during dinner, stand up, tap your glass with your fork, and when you have their attention, thank them all for coming, look all your guests in the eye, and ask "who's hosting Christmas this year?"
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Nov 11, 2014 4:42:44 GMT
You could always just choose one of the holidays to host if you don't want to cut them off completely. But I wouldn't feel guilty just having your immediate family over and keeping it at that.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 1:35:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 4:44:39 GMT
If you don't want to send the text, serve subs and baked beans I'd use my best paper plates and break out the cheap paper towels. Or tuna... a good mayonnaise-y tuna salad on toast would be festive.
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azredhead
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Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Nov 11, 2014 4:46:53 GMT
How's this - Dear family The (insert last name) family kitchen is on permanent holiday vacation! Or does that sound too sarcastic? I don't mind the part of family coming and hanging out before the bird is done, but usually because we are watching football or the parade. We usually make an all day thing. But the extra people is hard. SIL has done that before. It was awkward when there isn't a big enough bird. That's one you plan per person.Whoever does the Turkey doesn't have to do dishes, that's our rule!
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Post by Erica on Nov 11, 2014 4:47:26 GMT
My daughter and I started going to my best friend's house for thanksgiving dinner. Her husband's family go too. They come and eat then go. I will say this they do contribute to the menu.
Its rather pleasant after they leave.
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Post by hennybutton on Nov 11, 2014 4:51:26 GMT
I host Thanksgiving every year for about 20 - 25 family & friends. EVERYONE brings something. They wouldn't dream of not. Everyone helps with set up & clean up. I'd NEVER cook for your family again! Mary We do the same for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. We usually have anywhere from 35-50 people. Whoever is hosting provides the main course, the drinks, and the paper product. There is no way any of use would even think about using china and crystal for such a large group. It's hard enough washing and putting away the serving dishes. OP, I think your biggest issue isn't the people, but rather your high expectations of what the holidays mean. I can almost guarantee that you are the only one who cares about the china, crystal, and beautiful tablescapes. What everyone else cares about is gathering together to enjoy each other's company. Instead of sending an e-mail cancelling the extended family holiday, send one asking each family to contribute to the meal. Either assign an part of the meal (not specific dishes) or ask them to call you to see what's needed. THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO DO IT ALL. At Thanksgiving, flat-out ask for someone to volunteer for Christmas. Our extended family rotates the 3 holidays among 6 families so nobody has a holiday more than once every two years. We each take the same holiday every time, so we all have our holidays down pat. I have to admit that there are times when I would love to have the picture-perfect holiday with china and silver and everyone seated at the table, but I'd much rather have the big, boisterous, imperfect gathering.
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Nov 11, 2014 5:02:27 GMT
Send it! Right now! You have done your bit. Holidays are for enjoying not enduring! Time for someone else to step up to the mark.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 1:35:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 5:37:16 GMT
If somebody broke one of my glasses the owner of the shit that did it would not leave until they paid for it unless it was some horrible accident.
Time to go out for a nice meal.
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Post by chaosisapony on Nov 11, 2014 5:57:44 GMT
I know that might seem silly but when I read posts like this I think back to all the times I just showed up, empty handed, and didn't help clean. It wasn't because I didn't want to do anything, I just felt awkward and like an outsider and while I offered to bring something and was told but to maybe I should have insisted. I understand how you feel. I have been invited to many Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners and I always just show up. I think for me it is a two part thing. First, in my family growing up, guests are guests. We did not ask them to bring anything or clean up. They were our guests! They came, we ate, played games, then they went home. We did the same thing at their houses on other holidays. Second, every time I have asked what to bring I am told "oh nothing don't worry about it". So, I don't bring anything. Then I read threads like this and I feel really bad for not contributing! This past year I have quit asking and just show up with something. Usually something fun like cupcakes or a themed dessert. Then there is the clean up issue. Again, growing up, my mom was just as the OP described... in the kitchen cooking all day and then in the kitchen cleaning up all night. If anyone asked if she needed help she said it was faster for her to just do it herself. So we let her. Then one year she had a major freak out about no one helping and we didn't have a big holiday dinner for years! Anyway I guess the point of my post is that some of us just have received so many mixed messages we are really not sure how to act. Sending an email or making some phone calls telling people what you need done for the holidays shouldn't upset anyone. It is not too much to ask them to contribute and help, but they are not mind readers.
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Post by lucyg on Nov 11, 2014 6:01:11 GMT
My only question is, why has it taken you so long?? Get rid of these unpleasant, unappreciative people, and only host those you actually want to put on a nice meal for. If somebody broke one of my glasses the owner of the shit that did it would not leave until they paid for it unless it was some horrible accident. Time to go out for a nice meal. Good freakin' lord. Just for the record, when guests come to my home, I understand that things may be broken from time to time. I would no more expect a guest to pay for a broken piece of crystal than I would expect them to pay for the food I serve.
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