peasquared
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,474
Jul 6, 2014 23:59:59 GMT
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Post by peasquared on May 14, 2021 23:42:20 GMT
I am very sorry, allipeas! Our hearts often don't know what our minds do. I can understand why it's hard to separate the great memories of your uncle with some of the facts. I also know you have a heart of gold! I'm sending you a HUGE hug and wishes for peace to overcome you.
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on May 14, 2021 23:43:30 GMT
I’m so sorry. About all of if. And all that it dredges up for you. I’m sorry that he wasted his life. I’m sorry for the way he abused his access to your grandmother and made her last days, and your memories of that time, so much more torturous than they should have been. I’m sorry he never chose to get his life together. I’m so sorry that you both were abused as children. I’m sorry his passing was in such a horrible way. I’m sorry your mom is stuck dealing with this and the fact that all the bad memories are resurfacing. I’m sorry. I’m listening. I pray peace for you in the coming days. Jennie said it much better than I could, but I'm sorry for all your family has been through. Just remember that you made the decisions you made because of the information you had at the time. Don't blame yourself for decisions you made in the past. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your mom. (((Hugs)))
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,076
Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on May 15, 2021 2:37:46 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you're thinking and feeling.
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Post by bc2ca on May 15, 2021 2:41:06 GMT
What a sad story, allipeas. I hope you are able to get more information and your family some sort of closure from the investigation.
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Post by tenacious on May 15, 2021 2:41:59 GMT
I am so very sorry. What a painful experience for everyone involved. I hope you can find some peace.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,938
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on May 15, 2021 2:49:15 GMT
I am so sorry. It is such a sad story. I hope you find peace. Don’t second guess your actions. You did what you felt was right for you.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,528
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on May 15, 2021 2:52:09 GMT
Praying for your peace and comfort. May your uncle rest in peace.
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Post by supersoda on May 15, 2021 2:54:10 GMT
I am so sorry. Both you and your uncle went through a lot of difficult times. Just know that by cutting him off you did what was best for you and your mental health at that time and based on the information that you had, and that’s ok. Speculating about how things could have been different in the past or future won’t change anything, so be gentle with yourself.
I hope that you can find peace regarding your relationship and that the good memories will outshine the bad ones.
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Post by malibou on May 15, 2021 4:23:40 GMT
Ouch, I am so sorry for your tragic loss and the tremendous impact it is currently having on you.
It can be easy for our hearts to regret decisions we make especially when it's someone we love/loved. Our brains tend to remember how we got there. And where as we want to imagine our sensible heads are in control, sometimes our hearts need to big ass their way to the front of the line to grieve a bit. To grieve for all of the should've, could've, would've that would make that person whole. There is a person in my past that I loved very much. He hurt people that I love endlessly. With a lot of digging in my head, heart and soul, I found a way to cleave him so that I could separate the good from the bad, thus allowing myself to hang on to the memories that were good, so that my whole childhood wasn't in ruins. It also allowed me to rage about the hurt he caused. I will never say he was a good man, because my heart doesn't have room for that sentiment regarding him, but I never say he was bad either, he was just a man that is part of my story and it being my story, I get to tell it in whatever way I want or need to tell it.
It's easy for me to say be gentle with yourself, but I suspect it is easier said than done right now, so I will tuck you up safely in my thoughts and wish you clarity as you navigate the days and feelings that are coming.
Hugs galore.
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Post by gotranch on May 15, 2021 5:04:19 GMT
So very sorry you are dealing with this. I am sure you have so many questions and thoughts to sort through. Please do not feel guilty for shutting him out of your life. It is a coping mechanism for self-preservation that you needed to do.
Share what and when you need to - you are heard. Wishing you peace and strength.
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Post by tryingtobewise on May 15, 2021 5:30:04 GMT
I’m so sorry for all of the tragedy in your post, and especially for this recent loss. Please take care of yourself.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 15, 2021 5:45:43 GMT
That whole thing is just so tragic for everyone involved. I’m so sorry not only for your loss but for everything that happened along the way. Hugs to you.
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Post by gar on May 15, 2021 7:28:38 GMT
What an awful situation...so much pain and tragedy...I'm really sorry for the sad end of his life and for all you're going through.
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Post by lesserknownpea on May 15, 2021 7:48:02 GMT
I am so sad for you. And I am so sad for your uncle.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 5:25:09 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2021 9:30:02 GMT
I SO appreciate all of your words of comfort. I really do.
I was on the phone with my mom last night as she pulled up in front of his place. She said it was so surreal to see his truck still there parked in front knowing he was gone. She was going to try and figure out how to get into the apartment, perhaps with a locksmith.
She was able to connect with my uncle's attorney who is quite familiar with all of the property he owns, so that at least helps her not have to start at zero. She also was able to track down where my uncle's dog is located...with Animal Control. Apparently the police took her and surrendered her to AC. My mom plans to take the dog home with her.
Yesterday evening was really tough. The emotions really hit me. Just such an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I just keep hoping that whatever happened to him, it was quick and he did not suffer.
It's just the finality of it that is overwhelming me.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 5:25:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2021 10:01:24 GMT
I hope that somehow you can find some peace going forward , what you have been through is so awful it is beyond words.
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Post by peasapie on May 15, 2021 10:21:24 GMT
It has to be shocking to hear of such a sudden and tragic ending to his life, and I’m terribly sorry to read about the people who failed you in yours. Unfortunately we cannot make choices for our loved ones. As you grieve for these losses, I hope you will take pride in what you have accomplished in your life, knowing we each do the best we can with what we have.
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teddyw
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,868
Jun 29, 2014 1:56:04 GMT
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Post by teddyw on May 15, 2021 10:46:07 GMT
I’m so sorry for your loss.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on May 15, 2021 11:18:56 GMT
I am so sorry for all you have been through and what you are facing now while you grieve. HUGS!
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Post by mikklynn on May 15, 2021 11:37:28 GMT
I'm so, so sorry. I can't imagine the complex web of feelings you must have. Please, don't add guilt to those feelings. Despite your uncle's terrible childhood, his choices were his own. You loved him and I am sure he knew that.
GIANT hugs, dear Pea. I hope you'll be kind to yourself in the coming days and weeks.
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Post by peace on May 15, 2021 11:56:42 GMT
loss of a family member is difficult enough without all of these delicate details. Allow yourself to move through the process at whatever speed gives you comfort. Your mother will need you as well, having to face the raw details as they unfold. Just show yourself grace. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Be kind to yourself. I am so very sorry for your loss.
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Post by gramasue on May 15, 2021 12:01:35 GMT
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Please just remember the good times you had with your uncle and grieve the person he once was. Do not feel guilty for cutting him out of your life. You had good reason to do so. He is now at peace. Take solace in that.
Sounds like your Mom is doing a great job at handling things with his estate, too. Good for her!
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on May 15, 2021 12:49:24 GMT
Ugh. I’m so very sorry. So sudden and sad and wholly bewildering.
If you can, try to resist any coulda-woulda-shoulda guilt. You and your uncle were both victims. You channeled that pain in one direction and he in another. This death is stirring up emotions related to both directions, but you are only responsible for your own path and how that path defines you as a person, a wife, a mother … and, you know, the rock solid savior in your husband’s family. Remember the mountains you’re capable of moving to help someone who isn’t standing in his own way. Your uncle’s choices drove your relationship, not your choices. Grieve his life and grieve those choices he made.
Support your mother. Hug your kids. Honor the good memories - and the tragedy - of your uncle by continuing to be the rock star family member he wasn’t able to be.
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cakediva
Drama Llama
Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,463
Location: Fergus, Ontario
Jun 26, 2014 11:53:40 GMT
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Post by cakediva on May 15, 2021 13:10:37 GMT
Oh I'm so sorry - sending hugs.
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Post by mom on May 15, 2021 13:35:18 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain your family is feeling. You will be in my prayers.
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Post by elaine on May 15, 2021 14:18:47 GMT
It’s not simple to love or mourn someone like this. I never totally wrote him off but we had a clear understanding that I would tolerate him to an extent for the sake of his dad and brother. We also had clear guidelines when it came to my kids and he was not to be near them. I knew the few times I saw him at family events he was high so he could be functional but he was on his best behavior. He also knew I would not put up with any of his crap if he stepped out of line when we were with family. As far as his estate, it’s going to be a mess and probably the best thing your mom can do is find an attorney sooner rather than later. Hopefully he had a moment of clarity and has a will but it’s probably a long shot. The sooner she can figure out if she needs to control his estate the better, she needs to get ahead of it. Is this mutual friend you have stable? Would they have any idea if he had a will or trust or anything? I wanted to echo all of the above. I am so sorry for your loss, and for all that it has triggered for you. (((Hugs))) You and your mother do not have to untangle his estate alone. Please hire an attorney and let him or her shoulder a large part of that burden for you. The financial cost will be worth the emotional savings.
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Post by auntkelly on May 15, 2021 14:55:17 GMT
I’m really sorry about your uncle and the entire situation.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 5:25:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2021 19:02:56 GMT
I am SO very sorry! Sending you private mail..........
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,748
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on May 15, 2021 21:47:39 GMT
Hugs from me to one of our kindest Peas. I can't imagine.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
Jun 26, 2014 4:10:56 GMT
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Post by my3freaks on May 15, 2021 22:32:35 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. That is a lot to work though.
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