I am going to be Wintering

Sylvia Plath wrote a poem called Wintering.  It focused on her bees and how they collectively behaved during the winter months in order to return to their work in the Spring.  She was in a state of depression, I believe but some of the concepts in her poem related to feeling your depression fully and keeping light alive and a state of hope for the future while you worked out the mess in your head.  Now, if you know anything about the life of Sylvia Plath, you know she didn't survive the Wintering that happened following her divorce as she did end up killing herself.  But still her poem presents an alternative despite her unhappy ending.  

I've just finished reading Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May.  In her book, she expands upon the concept Plath very gently laid out.  The words that ring the most true for me say:

"But if happiness is a skill, then sadness is, too....perhaps through other terrors, we are taught to ignore sadness, to stuff it down into our satchels and pretend it isn't there.  As adults, we often have to learn to hear the clarity of its call.  That is wintering. It is the active acceptance of sadness.  It is the practice of allowing ourselves to feel it as a need.  It is the courage to stare down the worst parts of our experience and to commit to healing them the best we can.  Wintering is a moment of intuition, our true needs felt keenly as knife."

I have heard Jeremy, I have heard my therapist and psychiatrist, I have heard my support group at Al-Anon, and I have heard from some of my most trusted friends.  All of them have brought to my attention that I am attempting to move beyond my loss in way where I am attempting to wrest control over my feelings.  Being bipolar, I have spent 20 years trying firmly to control my ups and downs and the idea of relinquishing control and just being allowed to feel what I feel is foreign to me.  But everyone around me believes that I need to do so because what I've been doing up until now just isn't helping me deal with my loss and the change it has brought to my life. 

I have been trying to suppress all these bad feelings, charge forward, and when I do, they build up and then come screeching out in a way that isn't healthy.  And then I feel guilt and ashamed for even feeling that way.  I believe I need to lean into it and attempt to understand it better.  This thought has been swirling around in my head for quite a while now and is supported by the words of my support system.  

In that vein, I am going to be Wintering.  I plan to mark the start of my winter with the full, Snow Moon, on Tuesday.  I am going to be off this board and all my social media for the entirety of winter.  At least, that is my intention.  I plan to do all the things and none of the things.  Rest and sinking into feelings will be my goals.  But I do also expect to see some pleasure, creativity, and community with those I've lost touch with.  This is not an isolation, but a slowing and a giving in to my feelings.  I need my friends, but I do not want noise.  So if you'd like to stay in touch with me, you may PM me for my email address and reach me there.  I will be in contact with scrapmaven while I'm away from the board and I give her permission to update all of you if you ask after me.  

As for me, I plan to write.  I think writing will help me sort out all of the trauma that I've dealt with the past 7 years.  I plan to read.  I plan to engage in ritual.  I plan to meditate and pray.  I plan to rest, a lot! I plan to reconnect both with myself and others.  And I plan to disconnect from things that bring me stress and anxiety as best I possibly can.  This is an exploration of self-care because the way I've been doing it, just isn't working.  

I'm sorry this post got so long.  I am sorry for the going along for a while and then to seemingly outburst with something that I've probably blown way bigger than it is.  I, hands down, can never thank you for all your support.  And I *will* be back once the winter is over and hopefully I've found some healing.  I could never completely walk away from you guys but I feel the need right now to make a radical change.  For the first time, in a very long time, I am going to put myself first. 


Again, I see the importance of human contact, I just cannot handle the intensity of this board at this time.  And I see that I need to reconnect with my real life support system too.  So in keeping with the idea of ritual, Monday will be the last day I post here and my intention is to not come back until March.