Pew Research Study - Women = less leisure time

maybe it is how you bring up your kids? my son makes little money and his wife makes big bucks. no kids.. but a high maintenance dog. my son does much of the actual housework, and the organizational side of the household. like arrange stuff. ect. they very clearly check in on what needs doing and split it as far as time and talent is best.

but my son is happy to be with a strong person, and his wife is happy her husband doesn't find any chore too small or "girly".

I agree with you that most of the comments you mentioned are bullshit - except the one about blaming women for having “higher standards”.

I will leave aside the word ‘blame’, but I do think many women have unnecessarily high standards; many seem to do housework that doesn’t actually need to be done.

I see it a lot in social media. Women talking of sweeping or vacuuming the floor daily - the kitchen probably needs that, but I don’t believe other floors do. So what if there’s some dog hair, crumbs of paper or whatever on the living room floor for a few days?  So what if you can see footsteps on the polished floor?

Some wash dish cloths, dish towels, bath towels etc after just one use.  Why would a bath towel need to be washed after using it to dry a clean body one time?

I see so many things like this, where women self-impose housework on themselves that they don’t really need to do. The reasons for it are probably myriad, but I can’t help wondeing if insecurity is often behind it. Women thinking they have to be, or should be, Superwoman. That they should have a perfect magazine-ready house at all times.

I think this need by some women to do more than is actually necessary is bullshit, and that men (and women) who don’t mind some crumbs on the floor for a few days or using a bath towel more than once, have it right.  

If these would-be superwomen do their self-imposed extra housework willingly, without comparing it to what their parters do, then fair enough. But if they then say their partners should do more, or even if they just point out that they themselves spend more time doing housework, I think they are being unfair.

Thanks for thinking of me Jeremysgirl. The last few years of raising tween/teens, a shift in my DH's schedule, and being on TikTok following some interesting ADHD/Feminist/Parenting creators have really opened my eyes to the fact that women are often the sole care task provider and carry the emotional load of the family along with being "in charge" of all/most household tasks and many of us are working full time.

It is not like I didn't know we do a lot, but seeing it laid out by wiser people than I am, has, I guess, made me deconstruct the patriarchy more than I had. I can't say it has helped my relationship with my DH either. (No plans for divorce or anything, but I can't unsee what I have "seen")

our household does tend to have a more traditional division of labour BUT DH is the sole wage earner so the house/kids/cats are primarily my responsibility. That said - for the most part, that division was a decision we made together - in part based on having me stay home and in part because we have different skill sets.

Because I don't drive - DH does end up with 100% of the driving and thus ends up at school functions, medical appointments etc...for the kids (as do I). If DD misses her bus or needs to be at school early or stay late - he's the one taking/getting her. However - the mental work part of that is still on me...he'll message me to ask IF she needs a ride or (as today) what time she was getting out of her test so he could get her for lunch. I'm also the one making all of her appointments etc... And every Monday, I send an email to DH and DD with the schedule for the week and anything coming up that they need to be aware of because I am the keeper of the calendar.

At this stage in our lives? I have significantly more leisure time than he does AND it's much easier for me to 'take a day off' or even go out of town for a couple of weeks (as I did last fall to visit the big kids). When we had babies and younger children? That wasn't so because child care took up so much more time AND there was more housework to do (even in a smaller house) with little ones around all day. We also had significantly less money which meant I spent more time stretching it and worrying about it...and doing time-intensive money saving activities.

I've also stepped back from some chores over the years...which has meant accepting that they might not get done or if they do get done, it won't be on my schedule or how I would do them. I rarely mow the lawn now and I made the choice not to garden this year for instance. Consequently - the grass doesn't get cut weekly and no one else is gardening either. I don't can any longer and I don't sew unless I want to. DH has also added time-saving appliances to our household for my benefit - a dishwasher, a robot vac, a robot mop, a bread machine... We eat simpler meals many nights - bread and cheese with fruit is not an uncommon dinner here.

I've gotten better at asking for help when I need it - yes, there's still the mental work of keeping up with what IS needed and explaining what to do - but it helps. When I was out of town for nearly 3 weeks last fall - DH and DD managed just fine. Did they eat out more than usual - sure but they ate and some meals were home-cooked. No one ran out of clothes or dishes and the cats survived. Did the house need a good clean when I returned - yes but DH was working fulltime and DD was in school plus afterschool activities so they really didn't have time to do it all. I've also gotten better about saying stuff like -hey I have an online crop this weekend so will be doing minimal housework Th-Mo and will be focusing on scrappy time - I'll still run the washer and dishwasher and teh robot vac and make sure we have dinner (but it'll be a quick easy one) but beyond that, I'll catch back up on housework after the crop. And to his credit -that's not something that bothers him and if I asked, he would happily do take out for dinner a couple of those nights (I prefer not having takeout so often so easy dinners it is - but that's my choice)

naby64 - yeah, things wouldn't go well if I expected DH to regularly come home and do all of that while I was home all day - if I'm sick or otherwise busy with stuff, he'll step in and help but as the person at home - that's pretty much my job

ntsf - I agree that expecting different from daughters than from sons is a contributing issue.


In general though jeremysgirl - IME, when both partners are employed, the woman does generally end up doing more of the cleaning/kid/mental work of the household and that doesn't seem right

KiwiJo - as someone who imposes higher standards on myself than my husband does - yeah, that's definitely on me. And probably could be unpacked in therapy discussing my relationship with my mother. But I have been working over the years on lowering those expectations and accepting good enough as indeed good enough.

I know for me, there was definitely guilt over not contributing financially as well as a sense of being less than because I just stayed home - and in today's society, that's not valued. Ironically my own mum stayed home until we were both in school - and then only worked part-time until Dad died when we were teens - and she was probably the biggest influencer of those feelings of inadequacy as she didn't value me as a sahm, especially as my kids got older and she wasn't shy of stating her opinions.

I'm old enough (52) and have been at home long enough (well over 20 years) that I don't think social media played a big role for ME but I can certainly see how it could influence younger women who have been exposed to it for more of their adulthood.

linda I was a SAHM when my kids were little. From the time my oldest was 2.5 until he was he was in Jr High. Taking care of 3 children, the house, anything else that needed to be done. So my DH could come home and sit, be fed and watch TV. I should have yelled louder on how he should help out. I was one of those supermoms that stayed at home and took care of it all. And yes, it was somewhat due to that being my "monetary" contribution to the home. But it was a decision made by both of us.

His being at home was not entirely his choice and his days now are spent doing nothing. Unloading the dishwasher when I've set it to wash the night before, laundry, taking the dog for a ride. If I ask him to do something, he will do it. But I don't feel I need to nor want to ask. He should know it needs to be done. When he sees me working in the backyard while he watches TV, I shouldn't have to ask or tell him to come out and help.

I bust my butt at work all day and then still come home to do what a "wife is expected to do". AND I promise I am not June Cleaver. Maybe I misunderstood what you were saying and if so, I apologize for my snark reply. I am tired today. And have too much to do.

linda gotcha!! I thought that it was and then I started to think about it and all of a sudden made it sound the opposite in my mind. All is good!

I really hope this is changing.

My daughter and her husband are both high earners, and have about equal work hours. Her husband is just amazing. They split the household chores pretty much down the middle. And they do it without one asking the other to do it. It just gets done. He is amazing with their kids and is a very hands on parent. He tends to do more of the outside lawn and pool maintenance, but she does some too. She enjoys cooking more, but they both prepare and clean up. But laundry, shopping, doctor visits - all of it is handled by both of them equally. I love it!

I have a more traditional role. I do all the house work, cooking, laundry. I also do all the outside lawn and house maintenance. I dearly LOVE yard work. I also do all the bookwork/banking. I do not work outside of our home/farm/ranch.
If I asked DH to do something, he would not have any issues doing it.
He works 7 days a week, long late days most of them, on our farm/ranch. I don't ask him to do some task after he has been out working a 14 hour day. But he appreciates what I do. Very much so. He appreciated my role as a mother, and when someone compliments our kids, he never hesitates to give credit to me. That makes me feel very proud.

During busy seasons, I work more on the farm now, than when our kids were at home. During harvest I am out there all day too. I prepare and pack all our meals for the day, and he makes sure my truck is field ready for me. If he is slammed with the livestock and hasn't had time to prepare my truck, I check the fluids and air and also do the same for his combine so we can get rolling faster.

But the one thing that has made this work is the fact that he KNOWS what value I am. I do not feel like I am set to drudgery without any compensation for it. I am an equal partner in our operation. He gets my input on management and purchases.

It really bothered me when we were first married, that on our taxes my occupation was 'homemaker'. That doesn't bother me now, but I am listed now as "Farmer"

I will add though, that I hate having to ask or say something needs to be done, even if he is more than willing to do it. I don't want to have to point out the stack of boxes in the middle of the floor. If I can see the trash overflowing or that the couch cover needs to be straightened or the sink washed out, why can't anyone else? I am also relieved I am not adding children into that mix. I have stated once we get some of our projects done, I want to hire someone to come in every other week to do floors and deep cleaning. I think he was surprised. But we're doing it.

Yes, I mentioned social media - I said that’s where I have seen so many women talking about the housework they do and in many cases it seems to be unnecessary housework. Social media such as message boards (like this one) etc.  I wasn’t talking about so-called influencers saying that’s how it should be, I was talking about ordinary everyday women self-imposing extra housework because they think they should.

I am am 69, I have raised a family, frequently have grandchildren over - I know exactly what you’re talking about with regard to it being impossible to always have a magazine-ready house. But lots of women seem to think they ‘should’ have a perfect house, that the ‘should’ wash their towels every day, that they ‘should’ mop their floors every day, that they ‘should’ wash all their clothes after just one wearing etc.

 It was just that one comment I was talking about, from those you mentioned where the men were getting defensive. 

I am glad to hear that you aren’t one of these women who think they should be Superwoman, who think they should have a perfect house and then complain about it!

Ok, I am going to put forward an opinion that is no doubt controversial - it will be interesting to see if others agree with me, or if I am somewhat alone in this…..

In most species of mammalian animals, the females have a far bigger role in rearing the young, and in maintaining the nest, burrow, or whatever than the males do.  In general, males and females have prescribed roles, which are very similar through most species of mammals.

In some species, such as orangutans, the males take no part in rearing their young or ensuring their safety. They disappear once they have satisfied their sexual need, leaving the females to do everything.

In groups of gorillas, the alpha silverback male has complete rule over his group, even determining when they wake up, eat, go to sleep etc.  The males and females all make their own nests, the females keeping their young with them. The silverbacks will usually tolerate the youngsters but not look after them.

Female lions do most of the hunting, and most of the child-rearing; males are responsible for the pack’s safety and guarding their territory; they do also look after the cubs while the females are out hunting, but hand them back once the females are back home.

So why is it, that humans often think there should be no specific roles for their males and females? That the two sexes should, or could, be pretty much interchangeable when it comes to matters in their homes? Why do humans tend to think males and females should do equal amounts of home-based things?  

Could it be, that we are just like most other mammals, and nature intended us to have more or less involvement in tasks, depending on our sex?

I do think it is “natural” for women to do more around the house, and for men to do more of the providing.  Many years ago men and women did have specific roles, and it is more modern thinking that says we should share responsibilities. But is that what nature intends? 
What do you think?