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Post by **Angie** on Dec 14, 2014 5:27:45 GMT
Not going is NOT an option, nor can I avoid them.
I've always done a pretty decent job of not showing my real feelings, but recently it's gotten more difficult for me to keep my thoughts to myself. Dh and I have noticed that my inner filter isn't working. I've noticed that I've become more brutally honest about things, and I really need some coping strategies or something to help me not tell this person off. I don't want to ruin the event but none of my usual methods work.
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Post by alissa103 on Dec 14, 2014 5:29:45 GMT
Is it a big enough event that you can just exchange hellos and then move on? If you get roped back into a group convo with them, find a way to excuse yourself?
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 14, 2014 5:37:50 GMT
Make it a game and reward yourself with something if you can get through it. Kind of want to know the situation though.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Dec 14, 2014 5:38:39 GMT
An earplug in the ear facing them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 2:45:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2014 5:41:35 GMT
I wish I knew. I'll be in the same boat on the 24th.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Dec 14, 2014 5:42:47 GMT
Wine. Lots of it. Also if you HAVE to be there then I don't see why you would need to force yourself to make convo with this person. Just go about your night like they aren't there.
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Post by **Angie** on Dec 14, 2014 5:45:44 GMT
NoWoman - I can't drink. I can only imagine what would be said if my inhibitions were any more lower.
**shudder**
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 2:45:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2014 5:48:04 GMT
Cake! Buy cake and think about it the entire time you are there. Take a photo of it on your phone. Look at it. Depending on how badly you dislike this person is dependent on how big a slice of cake you can have. If it's really bad heck have a whole cake to yourself. You earned it. If I had to sit with someone i hated that badly I don't know how I would get through it. There is someone like that in the world but she lives in Australia now. But fortunately I have no plans to go to Australia so we are good
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Dec 14, 2014 5:49:26 GMT
Pretend you are Kate Middleton with the press watching your every move and just be absolutely charming.
Or, just nod politely and say "Interesting" or other platitude. You're probably not the only one who knows/thinks the person is lying. You don't have to give any credibility to their statements by engaging further than that.
Then come back here and tell us all about it.
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Post by ptamom on Dec 14, 2014 5:58:32 GMT
Nope, we'll be at the same table for quite a while. The event itself will be attention-holding, but I know there will be lulls where I'm guaranteed to need to chat. When I am uncomfortable, I always find I need to go pee at a moment's notice. "Excuse me, nature calls!" Or, more demurely, "Please excuse me, I must go powder my nose." "Could you please direct me to the restroom?" "Oh, dear, it seems I've got the bladder of a hummingbird today!" "Time to drain the lizard!" :Eyebrow waggle: :Big sigh: "I'm gonna go pinch off a loaf." Whatever works.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 2:45:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2014 6:02:04 GMT
I have about 10 lipsticks in my purse. I adjust my lipstick every time there is a lull in the store. You could make excuses to go put on lipstick, powder your nose, pee, get something to drink, smoke (I know it sounds terrible but hey there are still people who smoke so I am not excluding them), anything to get away from her/him.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 2:45:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2014 6:03:38 GMT
ATIVAN...ask your doctor if you have to see him/her for one of them. That is probably all you need. It will calm you down and may take the edge off an uncomfortable evening. I know I have to do it from time to time. (Well 3x week but hey I am high strung).
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 2:45:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2014 6:23:29 GMT
Nancy, long story short, this person twists everything to make themselves look perfect. I've caught them in two huge lies in the three days, but I can't call them on their behavior due to various relationship dynamics. Just tell yourself that this person either has a mental illness or very low self esteem and either way it has no impact on the truth as you know it to be. If you see what she/he is doing then chances are high that others do too. And ice. Lots of ice chewing. Take it out on the ice.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 2:45:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2014 6:26:09 GMT
If you really have to say something because you are put on the spot or have to defend your own actions, grab your purse, rise from the table to go visit the restroom or another tabLE and simply say "that is not my recollection of how it happened" and walk away quickly before debate can start.
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 14, 2014 6:27:55 GMT
I think you should not try to censor yourself...just let it fly. Tell them what a jerk they are AND THEN come right back here and tell us all about the explosion
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 2:45:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2014 6:30:58 GMT
If it gets really intense pull up the App your phone and text us the entire time you are there. If you are "antisocial" or whatever the other person thinks of you, oh well. You have us. We love play by play dramas. We can coach you through the night!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 2:45:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2014 6:47:21 GMT
We can tell you what snide remarks and cheap shots to take at him/her. We are the Peas...we will post pictures of the Hoff and the Drama Llama for you to laugh out loud at so just when things get really bad we will have the Drama Llama show up or something. Or how about the Giraffe from Geico? Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike what day is it? Oh heck we can have some fun with you...
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Dec 14, 2014 7:02:59 GMT
NoWoman - I can't drink. I can only imagine what would be said if my inhibitions were any more lower. **shudder** Apologies. I didn't know you can't drink. ❤ I wish you the best. I have this issue with my DH family and I hate it!
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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 14, 2014 7:48:45 GMT
Two things: first, I recently found out that several people who I thought were fooled by XMIL little miss perfect act were in fact not fooled, just polite. That cheered me way beyond reason, it was just so good to know that others DID see how two faced she is.
The other: call it karma, call it reaping what you sow, either way, she'll get hers eventually.
Imagine a superhero mask on your face, your superpower is being civil.
If I can live with XDIL for 13 years, you can make it through this event.
Oh, and you have a cheering section, too. (Us)
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Post by cade387 on Dec 14, 2014 12:01:50 GMT
Take a drink of water every time you want to talk. That should give you enough time to formulate if there is anything to be gained by speaking. Also hold DH's hand and squeeze hard when you feel things coming to a head. He should know to change the conversation. Otherwise excuse yourself during every other lull, no explain action needed - go visit another table, use the restroom, take a quick walk outside - whatever works.
On a side note, the notice that as you get your older your filter starts to go could be an early sign of Alzheimer's. I'm not kidding. If you have done so, please bring it up at your next appointment. I have had a number of family members suffer from this disease and that was (in all but one case) the start of it.
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toyboat
Shy Member
Posts: 18
Dec 13, 2014 21:03:29 GMT
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Post by toyboat on Dec 14, 2014 12:12:59 GMT
My friend gave me this slightly strange tip and it works - for me - to vent a little frustration without being vocal..... Under the table (hidden) give her the finger! Sounds bizarre and juvenile I'm sure but somehow it helps a bit.
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Post by pelirroja on Dec 14, 2014 12:29:25 GMT
I have my own personal mantra: "Just for today I can do something that would appall me if I had to do it for a lifetime". This event is a few hours, you got this. As long as this person isn't putting you in legal or physical danger, you need to ignore her perfectionistic tendencies and her obsessive need to always look good. Chances are very good that other people see right thru her and are too polite to call her out on it. I bet she's fooling less people than you (or she) may think she is. You can do this because it sounds like it's not optional to attend this event. Find a list of topics to chitchat about to get you thru those lull times: sports, weather, falling price of gasoline, anything harmless. Ask her a question about herself: who is your hairstylist? Love your shoes: tell me about them. If it sounds shallow, so what, it will keep you out of trouble of saying something. Good luck. You'll do fine. And of course, tell us all about it after the fact!
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Dec 14, 2014 12:36:02 GMT
How many people in your group? Do you have to sit right next this person? If not sit as far from them as you can. You may have to be at the same table, but no one says you have to talk or engage with them. Yes, they will talk about how perfect they are, but you know better and can just let her talk. As others have said, she is not fooling near as many people as she thinks.
Also, I try to figure out what is happening in a person's life that they feel the need to make so much up. I try to feel for them, if and when I get to that point, I actually can start feeling sorry for them.
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desertgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,646
Jun 26, 2014 15:58:05 GMT
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Post by desertgirl on Dec 14, 2014 12:56:17 GMT
Pretend to have laryngitis. All night long.
Liars are so hard to handle socially but masterful, pathological lying is so ingrained in them.
Just don't engage. I had to do this with a coworker for several years. Do not engage. You can keep quiet for an evening. And do a few of the things previously mentioned like leave to the restroom occasionally. Go visit other tables. Look distracted. Use your phone. And don't engage. Smile and look around at others. Or get so involved in another person at the table that you hog them!
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Post by hop2 on Dec 14, 2014 13:03:14 GMT
Start a thread here and tell us everything you want to tell her?
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Post by maryboys on Dec 14, 2014 13:13:52 GMT
i agree with the 'don't engage' approach. if you don't react, respond at all - it will change the dynamics without you looking negative or like 'the problem'. it will be HARD! but it is possible:) i have done this, and i have a very honest, straightforward, open personality. please keep us posted and i wish you the best!!!
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Post by librarylady on Dec 14, 2014 13:19:52 GMT
Do NOT speak or respond to this person. As others mentioned, pretend the news will feature your reaction, reward yourself for good behavior later.
If you sit silent, the table dynamics will change. Do not engage in a challenge as you will be regarded as the rude one. Just let it pass. ...hard to do, but you can do it if you set your mind to it.
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Post by LAM88 on Dec 14, 2014 13:52:34 GMT
Nancy, long story short, this person twists everything to make themselves look perfect. I've caught them in two huge lies in the three days, but I can't call them on their behavior due to various relationship dynamics. If this is the only issue then I'm not sure I understand why it's such a problem for you. Just ignore. Keep the conversation general (weather, holiday shopping, etc.) and if s/he starts telling tall tales then just change the subject or turn your attention elsewhere. Sure it's annoying, but I was thinking it was someone who had done something really hurtful to you instead of someone who was just a blowhard. I'm not sure why you feel it's your duty or even your place to call them out on their behavior.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,734
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Dec 14, 2014 14:11:29 GMT
Take the high road. If you must attend this event, then smile and make polite but meaningless social conversation if and when you can't avoid interaction with this person. Pay attention to the event activities, focus on the other people at your table, or the food if there is a meal, use you phone to distract yoursekf if necessary, and behave. There is no reason why you cannot stay the course without causing embarrassment to yourself or those around you. If this person targets you or willfully starts something unpleasant DIRECTED AT YOU PERSONALLY, gather up your stuff and say "I will not allow you to ruin my evening, good night"- calmly and politely, and leave the table. Be the bigger person and don't give them the power to make you lose it in front of the entire table. If you do, this will give them exactly what they want. And don't feel like you must be the one to call her out on anything. This event is not the place. All that will do is give the people who witness it lots to talk about.
And like a previous poster mentioned, if you honestly believe that you will not be able to control yourself in a public venue because you no longer have a "filter" then there is more going on here....
Good luck!
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Post by maryland on Dec 14, 2014 14:26:11 GMT
Is it a work event? If so, you can think that you have to "be good" so you or your husband won't lose a job. My friend has issues with a coworker too, but she vents to me beforehand, then goes to the party, makes sure her husband is always by her side making sure she "behaves" and distracting her and getting her away from this mean woman.
If it's a family thing, and it's husbands family, just think you are doing it for your husband. My husband's cousin has a real problem with his wife's family. The mom is interfering and always criticizing them. The dad is great, he has loved the husband since the first time he met him. I think if he had to chose between them, he would keep the husband! Yet wife lets it slide (yet you know she would not if it was his family, she would have had a fit). If it's your family, I don't have good advice! If it was my family, I wouldn't care if I didn't have filters!
Thses are just my thoughts based on our or friend's experiences! Ignore if they have nothing to do with you or aren't helpful. I am not an expert (haha!). It's hard without knowing more information.
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