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Post by trixiecat on Aug 15, 2023 21:50:01 GMT
I would investigate the adoption laws in your state. Each state is different. When we were trying to adopt and were matched up with a birthmother in Texas, we were paying for this potential birth mother's rent I believe and maybe her medical expenses. It fell through because she was scamming us. In PA we were not allowed to provide any expenses to the birthmother and it all worked out.
I would look at every possible scenario. I agree talking to your son as to what he wants. If he does not want to stay with her and she has the baby, then he will have to pay child support right? It sounds like she has no family that will take her in. I would think she has limited options at her age. Maybe she would agree to adoption if it could be an open adoption where she could have some contact with the child.
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Post by flanz on Aug 15, 2023 21:54:12 GMT
I'm curious what everyone else will say but here's my two cents. 1) DO NOT let her move in with you. You will never get her out of your house if you do. 2) Get a paternity test as soon as possible. Totally agree, haven't yet read beyond this. I know you can also buy pos. preg. tests online... at least I've seen it on tv.
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Post by Scrapper100 on Aug 15, 2023 22:00:50 GMT
Another vote for do not let her move in and a paternity test. I agree with a second unannounced pregnancy test as maybe she is trying to hold on to your son snd then figured if not pregnant she will be soon. Sorry you and your family is going through this. She sounds like she could be a nightmare. Your son getting a lawyer sounds like good advice as well.
Also due to her age could your son get in trouble for statuary rape even though it was obviously consensual.
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Sue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,234
Location: SE of Portland, Oregon
Jun 26, 2014 18:42:33 GMT
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Post by Sue on Aug 15, 2023 22:01:42 GMT
What a terrible situation for all of you. I'm so sorry. Perhaps it would help to change her thinking if you were to sit down with her and kindly explain why you're not able to let her move in with you, that other living arrangements for her will have to be made. I know that this would be a hard reality for her to have to face but maybe a dose of hard reality is what is called for in this situation. I'm not advocating totally abandoning her. Of course, you would want to offer your loving support and help find resources for her and your grandchild and your son as well. Such a tough situation.
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Post by summer on Aug 15, 2023 22:12:41 GMT
Do not let her move in with you. She is not your responsibility. You will be supporting your son, her and the baby if you do.
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Post by myshelly on Aug 15, 2023 22:13:09 GMT
Another vote for do not let her move in and a paternity test. I agree with a second unannounced pregnancy test as maybe she is trying to hold on to your son snd then figured if not pregnant she will be soon. Sorry you and your family is going through this. She sounds like she could be a nightmare. Your son getting a lawyer sounds like good advice as well. Also due to her age could your son get in trouble for statuary rape even though it was obviously consensual. Please don’t throw around serious things like statutory rape without knowing the facts and the law. OP is in Alabama. An 18 yr old with a 17 yr old is not statutory rape in Alabama (and would be statutory rape in very, very few states).
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Post by Lurkingpea on Aug 15, 2023 23:09:42 GMT
RiverI think you should add the info about it being a confirmed pregnancy and your son believing it is his in the original post. A lot of people are reading just your initial post and not the follow up information before responding. Not a big deal of course, but so many posters don't have all the information and are focused on that aspect.
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Post by Laurie on Aug 15, 2023 23:23:15 GMT
Another vote for do not let her move in and a paternity test. I agree with a second unannounced pregnancy test as maybe she is trying to hold on to your son snd then figured if not pregnant she will be soon. Sorry you and your family is going through this. She sounds like she could be a nightmare. Your son getting a lawyer sounds like good advice as well. Also due to her age could your son get in trouble for statuary rape even though it was obviously consensual. Please don’t throw around serious things like statutory rape without knowing the facts and the law. OP is in Alabama. An 18 yr old with a 17 yr old is not statutory rape in Alabama (and would be statutory rape in very, very few states). She didn’t state it as fact. She asked could he.
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Post by myshelly on Aug 15, 2023 23:24:52 GMT
Please don’t throw around serious things like statutory rape without knowing the facts and the law. OP is in Alabama. An 18 yr old with a 17 yr old is not statutory rape in Alabama (and would be statutory rape in very, very few states). She didn’t state it as fact. She asked could he. And it would have taken her less than 30 seconds to answer that question herself instead of posting it in the thread to worry the OP.
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Post by birukitty on Aug 15, 2023 23:38:10 GMT
I think the biggest reasons this teen girl wants to keep the baby at this point is because it's her "get out of jail" free card. In her mind it's her ticket out of the group home and into your home OP. And I honestly believe that is it. I believe she planned this from the beginning. If I were you I'd insist on a paternity test to start with immediately. Yes, I know you think it was your son who got her pregnant due to her time with him, but for someone as manipulative as she sounds like she is, she could have used just about any willing man she happened to come across. It doesn't take that long to do the deed. The paternity test will let you know for sure.
In the meantime do your research. Talk to your son. Since he wanted to break up with this girl before this happened I doubt his feelings have changed. Have a consultation with an attorney to find out your son's rights.
Once you have those results I'd sit her down and let her know that there is NO way on God's green earth that she will be moving into your home. Suggest possible alternatives like the other group home that takes pregnant girls. Suggest adoption again since by now she will realize she can't use her pregnancy to manipulate you into giving her what she wants, she might be more open to it. Maybe in your state open adoptions are possible.
I would be very careful of how manipulative this teen girl can be and guard yourself against your emotional feelings about becoming a grandmother.
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Post by Mary_K on Aug 16, 2023 0:26:55 GMT
I'm curious what everyone else will say but here's my two cents. 1) DO NOT let her move in with you. You will never get her out of your house if you do. 2) Get a paternity test as soon as possible. THIS!
And, I'm repeating above: DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU.
Mary K
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Post by nightnurse on Aug 16, 2023 1:28:27 GMT
I feel really bad for a 17 year old kid in a group home who had no family and is desperate and so easily gets labeled as “manipulative.” I can’t imagine what that poor child has gone through and is still going through, the fear and desperation she is feeling. It sounds to me like your son has you to help guide him and support him and she has no one, and she is being looked at like a perpetrator and a not a victim. She’s a victim of a shitty upbringing and an even shittier state system. If she is “manipulative,” that’s because there isn’t any other way for her to get her needs met. Childhood trauma literally rewires the brain, it isn’t something people can just grow up and grow out of. I also think it’s weird that at 7 weeks you heard a heartbeat. My understanding is that Doppler doesn’t pick it up til 10 weeks. Did she have a vaginal ultrasound with you in the room?
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,544
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Aug 16, 2023 1:52:32 GMT
I also think it’s weird that at 7 weeks you heard a heartbeat. My understanding is that Doppler doesn’t pick it up til 10 weeks. Did she have a vaginal ultrasound with you in the room? That is not weird at all. My coworker is 8 weeks pregnant. She saw a heartbeat last week. My son is 29, and when I had bleeding early in my pregnancy with him, I saw a heartbeat at almost 8 weeks even back in 1993. OP, I'm glad at least you know that the pregnancy is real. That was my first thought, that she might be faking the whole thing.
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Post by cade387 on Aug 16, 2023 1:58:33 GMT
I would also agree that she shouldn’t move in.
I would sit with your son and get him a lawyer and a therapist. What does he want? Does he still want to join the military? Does he want to waive his rights away? I would guess he will need to come to terms with the idea that he shouldn’t be having sex with someone he wants to break up with as he is now most likely attached to this woman for the rest of his life. Does he have a fall back plan without the military on it?
If he does want to be a part of the child’s life , hopefully his lawyer can determine how to protect the child from her using drugs during pregnancy.
I wish you all the best with this situation but please do not take on more than you can financially handle because of his poor choices.
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,844
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Aug 16, 2023 1:58:51 GMT
PULL UP A SEAT AND LET ME TELL YOU....
1st you are NOT a bad mom... and you are not the only mom with a son going thru this... You are literally walking in shoes i have worn...
The only difference is my son looovvveeddd her...
She was a foster kid.... living in a group girls home.. she had been in the system since very young... her mom passed away several years ago... she is really smart and really manipulative...
My son was set to go in the Army when he graduated high school... she was going to cosmetology... they fell in love.... i tried to have him give each other space... shes very controlling... and she told us all several times she wanted out of the group home... i just kept telling her finish high school... its not much longer then you can do what you want...
Well then comes the day where they say mom we gotta talk... and i cried... i was sooo upset... for both their futures... and what it would mean for our family in the long run...
Because she was pregnant she would have to go to the unwed mothers home and be emancipated... she was happy about no more case worker and no more house parents... but I let myself get suckered..
She moved in with us... and they were both immature.. she dropped out of school... he did finish but he did not leave for the Army... and they were extremely toxic... and all i could do was bite my tongue...
They got married right after they had my 1st granddaughter... they now have 3 kids and they were married for 8 years... they separated last summer... it has been a horrible nightmare of a co parenting situation.... And still i just bite my tongue...
The house manager told me that more girls leave the foster care system by getting pregnant by a guy they have convinced him n themselves that they love.. but its really just a way out...she said some do make it thru high school and on to college... but most do not...
My dil was not the 1st... ur A will not be the last....
I love my grandkids more then life.... and i love my dil but she does not make it easy...
Good luck... you are in my thoughts
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Post by nightnurse on Aug 16, 2023 2:01:53 GMT
I also think it’s weird that at 7 weeks you heard a heartbeat. My understanding is that Doppler doesn’t pick it up til 10 weeks. Did she have a vaginal ultrasound with you in the room? That is not weird at all. My coworker is 8 weeks pregnant. She saw a heartbeat last week. My son is 29, and when I had bleeding early in my pregnancy with him, I saw a heartbeat at almost 8 weeks even back in 1993. OP, I'm glad at least you know that the pregnancy is real. That was my first thought, that she might be faking the whole thing. “Saw” a heartbeat and “heard” the heartbeat are different. Maybe I misread but I thought it was heard
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Post by sabrinae on Aug 16, 2023 2:07:13 GMT
I feel really bad for a 17 year old kid in a group home who had no family and is desperate and so easily gets labeled as “manipulative.” I can’t imagine what that poor child has gone through and is still going through, the fear and desperation she is feeling. It sounds to me like your son has you to help guide him and support him and she has no one, and she is being looked at like a perpetrator and a not a victim. She’s a victim of a shitty upbringing and an even shittier state system. If she is “manipulative,” that’s because there isn’t any other way for her to get her needs met. Childhood trauma literally rewires the brain, it isn’t something people can just grow up and grow out of. I also think it’s weird that at 7 weeks you heard a heartbeat. My understanding is that Doppler doesn’t pick it up til 10 weeks. Did she have a vaginal ultrasound with you in the room? I’m going to reiterate the first part of this. I’m sure she is manipulative, but I’m also sure it’s a necessary survival skill for her given the trauma she’s experienced. That doesn’t mean your son should stay in a relationship with her or that you should t have solid boundaries. Boundaries from both you and your son are going to have to be set and adhered too. But also don’t forget that she’s 17 and is in a shitty situation and did t get there alone. Give her some grace and whatever support you can while maintaining the boundaries you feel necessary to maintain. She’s got a hard challenging road ahead of herself and your son shares the responsibility for where she finds herself.
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,844
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Aug 16, 2023 2:08:53 GMT
nightnurse it is maybe unfair to call them manipulative.... because yes my dil was a victim.. In foster care she told us that you have to learn how to play the system... some benefits or privileges you only get because of certain situations... so girls would create that situation to get what they wanted... So in order to get out of a yucky group home situation... you do what you gotta do... Thats manipulation..
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Post by sabrinae on Aug 16, 2023 2:10:33 GMT
That is not weird at all. My coworker is 8 weeks pregnant. She saw a heartbeat last week. My son is 29, and when I had bleeding early in my pregnancy with him, I saw a heartbeat at almost 8 weeks even back in 1993. OP, I'm glad at least you know that the pregnancy is real. That was my first thought, that she might be faking the whole thing. “Saw” a heartbeat and “heard” the heartbeat are different. Maybe I misread but I thought it was heard You can definitely hear a heartbeat at 7 weeks. That’s not unusual in my experience. I heard it with both of my pregnancies that survived around that point.
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Post by Hayjaker on Aug 16, 2023 2:11:37 GMT
I am a child welfare supervisor, and the state has custody of this teen. They are her parent. What is their plan to support her in these circumstances? What does your son want? Regardless of where she lives, in the same situation I would work with A to set some goals. Her life is changing fast and because of that she needs to become the best version of herself that she can be. School? Housing? Parenting skills? Future goals What are your sons goals for his future? And this a very re al and true scenario… PULL UP A SEAT AND LET ME TELL YOU.... 1st you are NOT a bad mom... and you are not the only mom with a son going thru this... You are literally walking in shoes i have worn... The only difference is my son looovvveeddd her... She was a foster kid.... living in a group girls home.. she had been in the system since very young... her mom passed away several years ago... she is really smart and really manipulative... My son was set to go in the Army when he graduated high school... she was going to cosmetology... they fell in love.... i tried to have him give each other space... shes very controlling... and she told us all several times she wanted out of the group home... i just kept telling her finish high school... its not much longer then you can do what you want... Well then comes the day where they say mom we gotta talk... and i cried... i was sooo upset... for both their futures... and what it would mean for our family in the long run... Because she was pregnant she would have to go to the unwed mothers home and be emancipated... she was happy about no more case worker and no more house parents... but I let myself get suckered.. She moved in with us... and they were both immature.. she dropped out of school... he did finish but he did not leave for the Army... and they were extremely toxic... and all i could do was bite my tongue... They got married right after they had my 1st granddaughter... they now have 3 kids and they were married for 8 years... they separated last summer... it has been a horrible nightmare of a co parenting situation.... And still i just bite my tongue... The house manager told me that more girls leave the foster care system by getting pregnant by a guy they have convinced him n themselves that they love.. but its really just a way out...she said some do make it thru high school and on to college... but most do not... My dil was not the 1st... ur A will not be the last.... I love my grandkids more then life.... and i love my dil but she does not make it easy... Good luck...
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Post by manomo on Aug 16, 2023 3:37:33 GMT
My thoughts come from a place of experience having worked for a decade in an alternative high school where a substantial piece of my job was working with expectant teens.
Who would benefit from you taking in this teen?
YOUR SON? No. He had made it clear he was ready to end the relationship. If she decides to raise this baby, he can learn to be a responsible and involved father without having to be her partner. If they are cohabitating, he will struggle to find his own direction in life.
YOU? No. You said you have a small home and are barely financially stable. If I read between the lines correctly, you are not interested in raising this baby or its mother. You can be an active and loving grandparent without having the responsibility of providing a home for both mother and child.
HER? No. She needs more support than you are trained to give. She needs to be able to continue her education while learning how to parent. She will need a significant amount of support in connecting with the resources in the community that she and baby will need going forward. She is going to need someone (other than you and your son) to discuss with her ideas like adoption, housing, childcare, food stamps, etc. I hope a program that deals with pregnant teens would have access to counseling because she needs and warrants that kind of care.
THE BABY? No. This child deserves a mom who has made serious efforts to prepare for parenthood and adulthood. That won’t be with you in your home, not because you aren’t caring or capable but because you do not have the experience or knowledge for this challenge. Have you thought about the disruption that would be a part of your household and what that would mean for a baby growing up in chaos?
Clearly, I don’t think that taking A into your care is in anybody’s best interest. I do wish all of you the best as you navigate this challenge.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 16, 2023 5:01:09 GMT
Your son can decide what he wants to do and you can also do the same. I would not let her move into my home. I just wouldn't. I feel like this was done on purpose. As the others have said, get a paternity test done when you can.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 16, 2023 5:26:40 GMT
Ugh, that is a tough spot to be.
As hard as it sounds, do not let her move in. She will never move out and you will become parent instead of grandparent.
The parents need to figure this out.
Perhaps counseling for your son so he can figure out how he wants to handle all of this. They can co parent without being together
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Post by gillyp on Aug 16, 2023 8:10:35 GMT
I think the Peas are on the same page with this and I have nothing to add but a question. Would she be allowed to stay at Child Haven with a baby and would she be allowed to stay after the age of 18? Here girls in similar situations are placed in young mother units, I believe and those without babies have to leave the Homes once they turn 18.
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Post by littlemama on Aug 16, 2023 10:34:12 GMT
Do NOT let her move in with you.
Get a paternity test- make sure his name does not go on the birth cert without one.
Were they not using birth control? I dont rememeber if your OP said. I have a feeling that all of this is a manipulation on her part- not because she is im the system, but because of her past manipulations.
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Post by smasonnc on Aug 16, 2023 11:32:00 GMT
I think the biggest reasons this teen girl wants to keep the baby at this point is because it's her "get out of jail" free card. In her mind it's her ticket out of the group home and into your home OP. And I honestly believe that is it. I believe she planned this from the beginning. The house manager told me that more girls leave the foster care system by getting pregnant by a guy they have convinced him n themselves that they love.. but its really just a way out. You've got a lot of good advice and heard real-world situations. Draw a hard line and don't get suckered because you're nice or feel guilty. I guarantee she doesn't feel guilty about anything. Your life will be chaos.
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,844
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Aug 16, 2023 11:39:27 GMT
I think the Peas are on the same page with this and I have nothing to add but a question. Would she be allowed to stay at Child Haven with a baby and would she be allowed to stay after the age of 18? Here girls in similar situations are placed in young mother units, I believe and those without babies have to leave the Homes once they turn 18. In my dils foster situation... once pregnant the girls have to leave the home they are in... they go to a young mom house... until they turn 18... while in the mom house they are taught how to navigate life so to speak... they will get help getting an apt and they are taken to a job n school if they choose to stay in.... there is childcare for the babies... when they turn 18 they will leave the system... then its every mom for herself... Because my son n dil begged and cried and made promises... i did allow her to move in... it was really hard... and they did live with us forever... and i do feel like we raised my dil and granddaughter... she was on medicaid, food stamps and wic to help... but we provided everything everything else for dgd while they were in school... when ds started working he started doing more.... but formula is expensive and wic only gives you so much.. and we paid for diapers... 2nd granddaughter came along a year later and grandson came along 2 years after that... Both parents worked but it is really expensive to rent an apt and provide day care and food and clothes and diapers... People always said we should kick them out... make them grow up... let them sink or swim... maybe thats true... but there were my grandbabies and i was not going to have them who knows where when i knew they were all safe in my house.... They moved out about 3 years ago... but separated last year... maybe if they stayed here they wouldve stayed together... Girls in the foster system are provided with birth control... if they want it they can get it.... but they cant be forced to get on it....
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SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,612
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Aug 16, 2023 11:40:33 GMT
It's rare when the Peas have a general consensus.
I agree with everything that was said. I think the key for you and your son is boundaries. You both need to set them and stick to them. I'm wondering if the pregnancy was planned, maybe she wanted "out" or maybe she had a feeling he was looking to end the relationship or both. You have said she is manipulative which she has learned to survive, that will make boundaries all that more important. No to moving in with you. I hope your DS still follows his plan to enlist and doesn't let this derail him. I'm guessing the baby is his based on what you've said but a paternity test is needed before his name goes on the birth certificate. Someone made the point above that it should be before his name is on the birth cert and that is great advice.
As I was reading the responses, I keep going back to boundaries. You don't want to raise this baby and I feel like this girl is going to make you feel all sorts of guilty about it (and I feel terrible saying that). Remember, you can come here and vent/sound off every single time. This is a really tough situation for all. I think you and your DS also have to have a conversation with her, letting her know your boundaries.
Hang in there.
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Post by littlemama on Aug 16, 2023 12:00:25 GMT
I second a second unannounced pregnancy test. What would be the purpose? She said in the OP that she has been to the Dr with the girl and heard the heartbeat
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,515
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Aug 16, 2023 12:04:05 GMT
I feel really bad for a 17 year old kid in a group home who had no family and is desperate and so easily gets labeled as “manipulative.” I can’t imagine what that poor child has gone through and is still going through, the fear and desperation she is feeling. It sounds to me like your son has you to help guide him and support him and she has no one, and she is being looked at like a perpetrator and a not a victim. She’s a victim of a shitty upbringing and an even shittier state system. If she is “manipulative,” that’s because there isn’t any other way for her to get her needs met. Childhood trauma literally rewires the brain, it isn’t something people can just grow up and grow out of. I also think it’s weird that at 7 weeks you heard a heartbeat. My understanding is that Doppler doesn’t pick it up til 10 weeks. Did she have a vaginal ultrasound with you in the room? I absolutely agree with everything you said. We've taken her into our family and I've tried hard to be a person she can come to. I'm not blaming her for her actions but I also can't sit by and get used either. No matter what, I will be there for her and the baby. I just really can't take on the full responsibility at this point in my life. That's why the post! I'm torn and conflicted over all of it. Thank you for your words, I certainly need to remember that she's where she is due to no fault of her own.
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