wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,769
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Aug 16, 2023 12:08:01 GMT
I second a second unannounced pregnancy test. What would be the purpose? She said in the OP that she has been to the Dr with the girl and heard the heartbeat That info wasn't included when op first posted, peas were responding to the original info available to them.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 16, 2023 12:08:38 GMT
My thoughts come from a place of experience having worked for a decade in an alternative high school where a substantial piece of my job was working with expectant teens.
Who would benefit from you taking in this teen?
YOUR SON? No. He had made it clear he was ready to end the relationship. If she decides to raise this baby, he can learn to be a responsible and involved father without having to be her partner. If they are cohabitating, he will struggle to find his own direction in life.
YOU? No. You said you have a small home and are barely financially stable. If I read between the lines correctly, you are not interested in raising this baby or its mother. You can be an active and loving grandparent without having the responsibility of providing a home for both mother and child.
HER? No. She needs more support than you are trained to give. She needs to be able to continue her education while learning how to parent. She will need a significant amount of support in connecting with the resources in the community that she and baby will need going forward. She is going to need someone (other than you and your son) to discuss with her ideas like adoption, housing, childcare, food stamps, etc. I hope a program that deals with pregnant teens would have access to counseling because she needs and warrants that kind of care.
THE BABY? No. This child deserves a mom who has made serious efforts to prepare for parenthood and adulthood. That won’t be with you in your home, not because you aren’t caring or capable but because you do not have the experience or knowledge for this challenge. Have you thought about the disruption that would be a part of your household and what that would mean for a baby growing up in chaos?
Clearly, I don’t think that taking A into your care is in anybody’s best interest. I do wish all of you the best as you navigate this challenge.
So many great posts and advice. This stands out to me though...if she ultimately chooses to raise this baby she needs some serious efforts/education with someone who has the knowledge to prepare her for the life she is choosing. I'd go into the meeting next week with the mindset of how can we (house parents, social worker) work together to get the appropriate programs and education for A. It's not in her best interests to be taken in by you. She needs to be able to be learning how to stand on her own with her child especially where it doesn't seem that it will be a long term relationship with your ds. And i'm not heartlessly saying let her stand alone, i'd be supportive. She just needs more than you can or maybe should be giving.
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Post by rockymtnpea on Aug 16, 2023 12:10:39 GMT
Self preservation on your part…you indicate this young lady made up stuff to get the house parents in trouble and they in fact did get in trouble due to her lies…keep this in mind. If she would lie on them she will lie on you and of course your son.
Do not put yourself and your livelihood in a position where you have to defend yourself against something she may say.
This is sad all the way around but you need to practice self preservation. She has shown you who she is…believe her. (And of course I realize her behaviors are due to her trauma…doesn’t change you having to defend yourself)
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,515
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Aug 16, 2023 12:13:31 GMT
PULL UP A SEAT AND LET ME TELL YOU.... 1st you are NOT a bad mom... and you are not the only mom with a son going thru this... You are literally walking in shoes i have worn... The only difference is my son looovvveeddd her... She was a foster kid.... living in a group girls home.. she had been in the system since very young... her mom passed away several years ago... she is really smart and really manipulative... My son was set to go in the Army when he graduated high school... she was going to cosmetology... they fell in love.... i tried to have him give each other space... shes very controlling... and she told us all several times she wanted out of the group home... i just kept telling her finish high school... its not much longer then you can do what you want... Well then comes the day where they say mom we gotta talk... and i cried... i was sooo upset... for both their futures... and what it would mean for our family in the long run... Because she was pregnant she would have to go to the unwed mothers home and be emancipated... she was happy about no more case worker and no more house parents... but I let myself get suckered.. She moved in with us... and they were both immature.. she dropped out of school... he did finish but he did not leave for the Army... and they were extremely toxic... and all i could do was bite my tongue... They got married right after they had my 1st granddaughter... they now have 3 kids and they were married for 8 years... they separated last summer... it has been a horrible nightmare of a co parenting situation.... And still i just bite my tongue... The house manager told me that more girls leave the foster care system by getting pregnant by a guy they have convinced him n themselves that they love.. but its really just a way out...she said some do make it thru high school and on to college... but most do not... My dil was not the 1st... ur A will not be the last.... I love my grandkids more then life.... and i love my dil but she does not make it easy... Good luck... you are in my thoughts Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps so much to know someone else has walked in these shoes. Funny enough, she is also going into cosmetology. DS has no other plans other than the military, so he's feeling lost and confused over what to do now.
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Post by littlemama on Aug 16, 2023 12:14:14 GMT
What would be the purpose? She said in the OP that she has been to the Dr with the girl and heard the heartbeat That info wasn't included when op first posted, peas were responding to the original info available to them. Ah, got it. It was in there when I first saw it, so I didnt realize it wasnt included originally
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pantsonfire
Pearl Clutcher
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
Posts: 4,762
Jun 19, 2022 16:48:04 GMT
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Post by pantsonfire on Aug 16, 2023 12:42:14 GMT
I second a second unannounced pregnancy test. What would be the purpose? She said in the OP that she has been to the Dr with the girl and heard the heartbeat She updated that info well after my post.
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Post by Peace Sign on Aug 16, 2023 13:29:36 GMT
Her social worker needs to get her into an adult living situation, or a foster home that takes teens and babies (they DO exist). Social worker may need to be prodded - they're busy. She should be set up with furnishings, at least a bed and crib, WIC, some sort of subsidy for the baby, a medical card for both of them.
If I were you, I'd get an attorney to figure out how you (your son) can get partial custody and locked in visits. Foster kids with no roots tend to end up all over the place.
However, through all of this be supportive. I think you are. It's awful to be a 17 year old with trauma and no family. I'm sure she feels unwanted. Foster care is the worst.
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Post by maryland on Aug 16, 2023 13:46:01 GMT
I am so sorry you are facing this! I agree with the others about not letting her move in/paternity test. You have recieved great advice here. Ultimately, it is not your responsibility, it is hers and your sons. I am a bit confused about her age. You said "young girl" but if she is 17, she is almost an adult and just a year younger than your son. So yes, they are both young, but it's still not your responsibility to house them. You can be involved as much as you want to be (assuming it's fine with the couple) but don't burden yourself so you get in over your head.
If my reply doesn't make sense, please ignore! We have contractors in installing a front door, a plumber here to fix a leaking pipe, and one daughter is moving across the country tomorrow and one moving into college tomorrow, so my attention is all over the place at the moment! But didn't want to read and run, wanted to offer support for you in this difficult situation!
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Post by mom on Aug 16, 2023 13:49:23 GMT
Here's my two cents.
1. You are NOT a horrible mom.
Read that again. You ARE NOT a horrible mom.
2. Her moving in will help no one, so please do not allow it to happen.
3. Because you do care about her and her baby, perhaps you can find some local services that can help get her closer to being a good mom for when her baby gets here. If you have a local March of Dimes office, many times they will 'reward' low income/young mothers for getting their monthly check ups and for attending classes to help prepare them for being a mom. I volunteer with our local office and if you attend all of your dr appts, and our pre-parenting classes, we give you free diapers, a new car seat, etc. We will also take any mother who needs a ride to her appointments (which is what I do) and even stay with her for the appointment if she doesn't have someone with her (if she wants me to stay). Most of our clients are young moms who are on their own and many cant drive or if they can, dont have a car. It's all free. They can also talk to her about her options if that is something she is open to listening to. A client I have now was dead set against adoption but the further along she has gotten in pregnancy, she now is starting to realize she isn't prepared for a baby and is meeting with prospective parents. We still help her with her pregnancy needs and if she choses to keep the baby, we will help her after the birth. If she chooses adoption, after birth we wont have services for her except for rides to her after birth check ups. We have no part of the adoption other than giving them the option. We don't set up appointments, lawyers etc or anything like that.
4. Your son needs to be honest and break up with her, if that is what he wants. Staying with her now is only going to drag out the inevitable. They can still be co-parents, but as long as they are in a relationship, she is going to think there is a future with him and will absolutely use the baby as a manipulation tool. Im sure in her mind, she is picturing the three of them living with you, all happy and playing house. If that is not what your son wants, then its time to be honest with her.
5. Talk to an attorney about securing his rights (if this is what he wants). DO THIS NOW so an attorney can guide him on what he needs to be doing while she is pregnant. Don't wait til the baby is born. He probably should be documenting any things he sees that could harm the baby (her drug use, etc) in case he needs to show her unfit at some point. Also document if he goes to prenatal visits, etc. I don't know if he would ever need that information, but it's better to have it and not need it than wish later you had it.
IF he chooses to not want a part of this baby's life, then he needs to discuss that as well with his attorney to get any paperwork done.
6. If you want to help, but not let her live with you, maybe you can help make sure she feels supported FROM A DISTANCE. Be her friend, even if you son isn't dating her. Encourage her to start thinking about what her future is going to be like --- does she want to go to school? What's her plan to support the baby once it's here. There are some great books that you could help her get if she would read them, telling her about what her body is doing, etc. You should also be asking your son how he plans on supporting the baby. If he stay involved and she keeps the baby, he needs to be prepared to step up and pay child support.
7. The situation they are in is not ideal, but it's not the end of the world. You all will get through this!
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,531
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Aug 16, 2023 13:57:43 GMT
m sure in her mind, she is picturing the three of them living with you, all happy and playing house. THIS. You can show grace toward someone who has been through trauma and still hold boundaries.
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Post by Peace Sign on Aug 16, 2023 16:54:00 GMT
coming back to say that there is likely a free ride to college for her as well, if she wants it. her social worker should know the details, but again, you really have to push social workers sometimes because they are so busy.
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 17, 2023 0:26:15 GMT
If she moves in you will be living in misery and I promise you that it will go very badly. ITA about the dna test, too.
It's a very sad story and so unfair that this young woman has such a heavy load on her shoulders. However, you likely cannot save her from herself or any mental health issues that she may have due to drugs, brain chemistry or the system or a combo of the above. Your ds is obligated to support the baby if it is his and she keeps it. Then again, in your state ymmv and only a family law attorney can answer that for you. Your son needs that appt yesterday.
I'm guessing that she thinks that this baby is going to love her unconditionally and that she'll finally be able to have the great love that she has always wanted. She wants the perfect nuclear family and thinks that w/this baby and living in your house will make that happen.
Your ds should not live w/nor marry her under any circumstances. That child will grow up in a world of chaos. If they were going to break up then they should break up. The baby is who I feel very sorry for, because he or she will be born w/that mother and history will repeat itself. You cannot save her, but you can save your son from marrying or living w/her. I wish your family the best. It's a tough situation and quite sad.
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 17, 2023 2:49:12 GMT
If she moves in you will be living in misery and I promise you that it will go very badly. ITA about the dna test, too. It's a very sad story and so unfair that this young woman has such a heavy load on her shoulders. However, you likely cannot save her from herself or any mental health issues that she may have due to drugs, brain chemistry or the system or a combo of the above. Your ds is obligated to support the baby if it is his and she keeps it. Then again, in your state ymmv and only a family law attorney can answer that for you. Your son needs that appt yesterday. I'm guessing that she thinks that this baby is going to love her unconditionally and that she'll finally be able to have the great love that she has always wanted. She wants the perfect nuclear family and thinks that w/this baby and living in your house will make that happen. Your ds should not live w/nor marry her under any circumstances. That child will grow up in a world of chaos. If they were going to break up then they should break up. The baby is who I feel very sorry for, because he or she will be born w/that mother and history will repeat itself. You cannot save her, but you can save your son from marrying or living w/her. I wish your family the best. It's a tough situation and quite sad. I get what you are saying, but history doesn’t HAVE to repeat itself. There will be murky waters to navigate, but it is possible that this baby will have two parents and a granny who loves him/her. It just won’t be what this poor girl has in mind. This girl needs firm and definite boundaries. She will likely try to push Dad and grandma away when things don’t go her way. It’s up to them to continue their support while keeping their boundaries in place.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,427
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Aug 17, 2023 5:24:27 GMT
I’m with everyone else who says not to allow her to move in with you.
I have a few HS students I teach who have kids. One is with the baby’s mom and it’s working well. The other is not with the baby’s mom and he just got 4 days a week custody of his baby girl. He is SIXTEEN! He is an amazing dad. We talked a bit a while ago and he wanted her to put their child up for adoption (he is in the foster care system, not sure about her) and she chose not to so he stepped up. He loves his little girl and is very glad to have her in his life but has said more than once that she has made his life so complicated. Mom and he do not get along. It’s ugly. He said his next step is full custody with visitation for mom. He has a notebook and documents EVERYTHING. When he spends money on his girl the receipt goes into the notebook, when mom is late for pick up or drop off it goes into the notebook (even minutes late gets recorded), when mom posts pictures of her partying it goes into the notebook. He is building a case for full parental rights.
Anyway- all that to say that your DS must document everything. Don’t let him say he will remember. Write that shit down immediately. He will be thankful he has it on hand. Also- paternity test. If he does not want to be part of this child’s life, he can refuse to put his name on the birth certificate I think. But he will have zero rights to the baby.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 17, 2023 14:45:12 GMT
I agree with nightnurse that I do have some serious issues with the peas jumping on the manipulative, she just did this to get in your home bandwagon. She didn't do this alone. And I have zero tolerance for, I really wanted to break up with her, but I'm too nice or shy so I just kept sleeping with her. Bullshit. I'm sorry, but your son had sex with her and now will be a father. He needs to fully and totally own that decision and not now look for his "get out of jail free card" of I was always going to breakup with her. She had zero ability to get pregnant on her own and manipulate him. I'll also say as some who has seem some abandoned and traumatized children, they have a HUGE issue with attachment and a decision like adoption is extremely difficult as they feel they are perpetrating the abandonment. Would it potentially be best for all involved including the baby, perhaps likely, but it would most likely take intense therapy to make her comfortable. I don't think moving in is the right answer, but I would be looking at the best resources available to support her. If ultimately she does not have the ability to effectively parent, I would be sure and support my son in obtaining primary custody.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,883
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 17, 2023 15:19:17 GMT
m sure in her mind, she is picturing the three of them living with you, all happy and playing house. THIS. You can show grace toward someone who has been through trauma and still hold boundaries. I completely agree! There is a lot of great advice on this thread. Op, this young lady is not your responsibility. Do not take her in. Let the state place her in a home. I do believe she intentionally got pregnant thinking you would be her meal ticket out of that home. This will not go well if you take her in. Stand your ground on this. And definitely have your son see an attorney to protect his rights. Child support and visitation will need to be set up once it's determined the child is his.
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,661
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Aug 17, 2023 17:41:00 GMT
I'm a little distraught but also very excited to be a grandma. I could use some advice or at least some encouragement that I'm not a horrible mom/soon to be grandma. Here's the backstory, it's a little long. My son is 18, graduated high school this past May and had plans to join the military. That was delayed because he didn't weigh enough to enlist yet. Anyway, in the meantime he's working a full-time job. He's been dating a young girl named A for almost a year. She’s 17 and just started her senior year of high school. She lives at a place called Child Haven. It’s sort of a group home for teenage girls that didn’t get placed in foster care. Her mom has been in and out of prison for drugs most of A’s life, so her grandmother was raising her. 3 years ago, her grandmother passed away and that’s why she’s at Child Haven. A can be very sweet and charming and for the most part she fits in with our family well. I take her sometimes to get nails done or shopping. However, she’s got another side to her that’s very conniving and she finds ways to get what she wants no matter the cost to others. An example is this past May. She had gotten into trouble for vaping, and I think some weed. She was living in a house on property with 5 other girls and what is called house parents. Over the course of this past year, I’d gotten to know the house parents pretty well. When she got in trouble she was grounded for a month and that included not being able to go to DS’s graduation. She had a fit and ended up making up stuff that got the house parents in trouble, she got moved out of that house and into another house which was her plan all along according to DS. Her social worker got it worked out so she could attend DS’s graduation and A was all happy again. She has since started talking about ways to get out of Child Haven. She’s mentioned wishing she could just live with us multiple times. I just brushed it off as any young girl wanting to get out of the system. My DS has been wanting to break up with her, but he’s shy and doesn’t want to hurt her or go through her crazy wrath. Well, this weekend they came to me and showed me a positive pregnancy test. DS wanted to sit down and discuss all the options, but she says there’s only one option and that is she is having the baby and coming to live with us while she is pregnant. She can’t stay at Child Haven while pregnant (I don’t know why). So now I’m thrown into this, and we have a meeting with her, her house parents, her social worker and Child Haven on the 23rd. I am not prepared to take her in AT ALL. I bought a small house last May, I’m single and barely financially stable. But how can I turn her away if the only two options are for her to come live with us, or she gets sent to another county that does take in pregnant teenagers? I feel like I'm in-between a rock and a hard place. Then when the baby is born, I'm afaid I'll be doing most of the raising. I do know DS will step up but I really can't see him being a father until he grows up a lot. DS is not happy about any of it, but says he’ll do whatever he needs to for her and his baby. He wants to put it up for adoption. ETA... Her house mom and I took her to the doctor. She's 7 weeks along and we got to hear the heartbeat. They had to do an ultrasound because she was bleeding a little. She's due March 30th. DS does absolutely believe it's his. She's very clingy to him and he says he doesn't think she has seen anyone else. Plus she's only allowed to go out with him and has an early curfew. They even worked at the same place all summer. Another thing... She doesn't drive yet. She hasn't had enough driving time to get a license. Either DS picks her up or her house parents takes her where she needs to go. Why didn't he break up with her after she did that to the house parents? Why would he be with someone like that? He wanted to breakup but still kept on sleeping with her? He should tell her the truth, that he doesn't want to be with her. He should stop having sex with her. He needs to man up and tell her he will take care of the child but that they won't be together. It's up to him to tell her, "No, your not going to live with me and my mom." Why did you go to the dr. with her and not your son? To me the son has as much ownership in this as she does.
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Post by tealpaperowl on Aug 28, 2023 18:52:10 GMT
Definitely set up boundaries, or this could get to be a sticky situation. You don't want your home to be full of hostility, which if they aren't getting along is what will happen.
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,661
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Aug 28, 2023 19:07:32 GMT
Wondering what happened with this. Does she have a place to live?
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Post by melanell on Aug 28, 2023 19:42:57 GMT
Providing a home for this girl is not your responsibility. Even if you decide to help with the baby, should they decide to co-parent, this girl would still not be your responsibility.
No matter if she is trouble with a capital T or the sweetest girl you've ever met, I think to invite her to move into your home now could be something you seriously regret later. I think letting more time go by, and talking more about any tentative (since you don't absolutely know for sure that your son is the father yet) future decisions would be prudent before changing who is or is not living with you.
Hugs to all of you as you figure out what you're all going to do going forward. I wish you all the best.
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pantsonfire
Pearl Clutcher
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
Posts: 4,762
Jun 19, 2022 16:48:04 GMT
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Post by pantsonfire on Aug 28, 2023 20:03:11 GMT
I too would like an update.
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,515
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Aug 29, 2023 17:16:21 GMT
UPDATE IN ORIGINAL POST.
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Post by flanz on Aug 29, 2023 17:48:22 GMT
Oh, @river.... Just two weeks ago you shared here, "We've taken her into our family and I've tried hard to be a person she can come to. I'm not blaming her for her actions but I also can't sit by and get used either. No matter what, I will be there for her and the baby. I just really can't take on the full responsibility at this point in my life. That's why the post! I'm torn and conflicted over all of it. Thank you for your words, I certainly need to remember that she's where she is due to no fault of her own." I wish you all the best as you move forward with your plan to have her live with you. I hope we're all wrong and things work out beautifully, but I have strong doubts. I wish you were putting self-care first.... ((((( hugs )))))
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pantsonfire
Pearl Clutcher
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
Posts: 4,762
Jun 19, 2022 16:48:04 GMT
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Post by pantsonfire on Aug 29, 2023 17:57:13 GMT
Lots of positive thoughts going your way that things go smoothly and work out till April.
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,515
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Aug 29, 2023 18:26:06 GMT
Oh, @river.... Just two weeks ago you shared here, "We've taken her into our family and I've tried hard to be a person she can come to. I'm not blaming her for her actions but I also can't sit by and get used either. No matter what, I will be there for her and the baby. I just really can't take on the full responsibility at this point in my life. That's why the post! I'm torn and conflicted over all of it. Thank you for your words, I certainly need to remember that she's where she is due to no fault of her own." I wish you all the best as you move forward with your plan to have her live with you. I hope we're all wrong and things work out beautifully, but I have strong doubts. I wish you were putting self-care first.... ((((( hugs ))))) I'm glad you pointed that out. I was assuming all responsiblity would be on me, including financial. However, that's not going to be the case. I know nothing about DHR or fostering so it helped to learn they will be covering a lot of her expenses plus I will receive a monthly check to help out. She did go last week and got her drivers license and she has enough money saved to buy a used car. They are helping her with that now so she will be able to drive herself to school, that's only about 10 minutes from my house. She does work fast food so she'll be able to pay for some things too. I'm still worried, but I pray things will work out.
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Post by Lurkingpea on Aug 29, 2023 18:34:36 GMT
I think your update sounds positive. Knowing they will help her find a place to live is fantastic. Knowing she actually has enough saved to buy a used car says a lot as well. You giving her a space to be and providing the care you are may be exactly what she needs. I wish you all the best and hope you enjoy the incredible gift grandmothering is.
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teddyw
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,850
Jun 29, 2014 1:56:04 GMT
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Post by teddyw on Aug 29, 2023 18:35:17 GMT
I missed this originally. My heart goes out to you for taking this on. I totally get why you want to help. I’d see if her caseworker can’t get in her therapy and parenting classes asap. Try contacting your local health department and social work department at the children’s hospital if you have one. Or the hospital she will deliver at. Also contact her her school district and guidance counselor for resources. They need to help with planning for her future. Try hard to not let her drop out. I’m guessing she’s a senior. You might have said already. Ask peas when things arise. Somebody usually knows a resource. anaterra hugs to you too. You’re still living with the circumstances for lack of a better word. I know it’s not easy.
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,844
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Aug 29, 2023 20:02:51 GMT
@river... my ddil did have medicaid food stamps and wic... but i didn't become her foster parent.... she just moved out of care and into my house...
Its the highest of highs and really low of lows.... but you can get thru it... sending you the positive juju...
Being there for your grandchild is like no other feeling in the world...
The mom being with you means ur son can join the army if he still wants and then if they marry then she can go with him...
Its not going to be easy... i wish you all the best!!!
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samantha25
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,912
Jun 27, 2014 19:06:19 GMT
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Post by samantha25 on Aug 30, 2023 14:52:18 GMT
My mom, after dad passed in RV (see other thread), had a full, loud, busy house, which I thought was crazy, but when I visited it was awesome. My sister's family lived there and my moms business partner fell on hard times and lived there too. Her great grand kid was there that brought the baby into the house. I think it was a great time for the two years predicted for her end of life from stupid cancer. Life throws things at you and you do what you feel is right. If it feels right do it.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 30, 2023 15:00:00 GMT
River You will need to set boundaries etc. Even though you are "fostering" her, she is your son's girlfriend and living with their baby in your home. They need to bear the most of the responsibilities of that baby and have responsibilities around the house.
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