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Post by SunnySmile on Jan 26, 2015 19:01:10 GMT
Some quick background, our bills for insurance used to be $65 a month. They are now over $700 a month due to Obamacare. I am not discussing Obamacare though. I have a friend whose daughter got married in December. Her bridal shower was in November. I was invited to the shower, but I did not attend because I couldn't afford a gift. All our discretionary money is now used for insurance. After the shower, I texted my friend and explained that I was sorry I didn't attend the shower, but I couldn't afford a gift, and I felt awkward attending the shower with no gift. I explained that I hoped she knew it was not a reflection of how much I care for her daughter or a lack of support to her, and hoped she would understand. She never returned the text. Here comes December, and any extra money was going towards our very small Christmas. I didn't attend the reception either. I felt that I shouldn't go and partake of a dinner, drinks, etc. if I wasn't bringing a gift. I didn't text her this time. Since then, she has been very cold to me at church when I addressed her directly and she just walked off. She still hasn't texted me back. So after church, I send another text, " We are scrapping on Thursday, hope you can come! Have I done something to offend you? Things seemed a bit off between us at church today, and since you didn't text me back last month, I thought there might be a problem. Let me know so we can talk about it, ok?" She doesn't text me back. I check with my other friends to see if she has changed her number, because I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. No, she hasn't, but she did tell someone she was annoyed because of a text that was a group text saying, "Ladies go see the scrapbooking warehouse sale, it's awesome and I got a great haul for cheap." She assumed it was me, but it was not. I had a terrible time staying out of there, but I did. No sense going to look when you can't buy. Finally, two months later, she answers my text and says "Thanks for your email. I'm going out of town next week, let's talk when I get back." This is on a Friday. My feeling from her is, "I don't have time for you, so you can just wait and wonder a little longer." I am annoyed. It would take her all of 5 minutes to tell me what's bothering her and for me to set the record straight. Besides the fact that it is none of her business how I spend my money, even if I did. I didn't respond in annoyance, I just said OK. But I'm done worrying about this I think. If one of my friends texted me with an apology about the shower, I would have immediately texted her back not to worry about it. To me, this feels like she's only wanting the gift out of it. There is more regarding gifts and another friend, so I may be swayed to think this. How would you handle this when she finally gets around to me?
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Post by epeanymous on Jan 26, 2015 19:08:42 GMT
I cannot tell from your post -- did you actually talk to her in advance of not showing for the shower or wedding reception? I would be hurt if a friend felt like they were only welcome to attend events if they could bring a gift, as well as if a friend did not tell me they were not coming. If I am correct that you just did not show without talking to her in advance, I would lead by apologizing for that and expressing that I messed up.
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Post by librarylady on Jan 26, 2015 19:08:48 GMT
I'd tell her how hurt I was that when I had financial troubles, she seemed to blame me, rather than put gifts before friendship. If you have been friends for a long time, it is especially hurtful that she reacted this way. If you had ignored the wedding, that would be reason for her reaction. But, you explained and you did not behave as a freeloader. Perhaps the wedding stress made her goofy......IDK. Let's see what she says.
If she is still pissy about "no gift" tell her all you could manage right now would have been a box of cleaning rags from your cabinet and I don't think the bride wanted that!
--- ETA: If you did all this AFTER RSVPing that you would come, then I know why she is hurt and angry. You cost her $$ as a no show. You should have told her BEFORE the events.
I didn't read correctly and I thought you told her ahead of time.
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Post by annabella on Jan 26, 2015 19:09:59 GMT
You should have verbally told your friend before the shower. Did you tell her in advance to cancel your plate at the reception? Otherwise she already paid for it. Asking if she's ok via text is not the best way, because the only answer via text is yes. If it's no she has some long winded answer and thought best not to get into a texting war. It would take her more than 5 minutes via text to explain everything. She's no longer busy with the wedding and now has time to talk to you, so give her a call when she gets back. I personally think you handled all of this poorly.
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scorpeao
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Posts: 4,521
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Post by scorpeao on Jan 26, 2015 19:15:25 GMT
She doesn't sound like much of a friend. I have no tolerance for people like your "friend."
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Country Ham
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jan 26, 2015 19:15:40 GMT
No offense but you didn't show up for her shower nor wedding reception, then sent texts after the fact. She's hurt.
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 8:37:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2015 19:16:15 GMT
It's always tough when discussing finance/money issues. Once you do, others seem to think they have the right to "review" other things you spend money on. She may see posts on other things that you have spent on that seem frivolous to her....
I suspect had you gone and not brought a gift, she would have the same (or worse) attitude.
All you can do is take the high road. You apologized the first time and even though you didn't text for the reception, did you RSVP no? It is possible that in that case that she counted you as a yes and ended up paying for someone who didn't attend because she hadn't heard from you.
That said, I tend to disagree that you must bring an expensive present -- I think if you were low on funds, a nice note filled with good wishes would have been better than nothing. So I do get how mom's feelings could be hurt. And it may not all be about the $s/gifts, but rather that you weren't there to celebrate it for her and her DD.
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freebird
Drama Llama
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Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jan 26, 2015 19:17:36 GMT
a.) I think you should apologize for not letting them know ahead of time so they at least had the opportunity to invite you regardless of giving gifts. A true friend will understand and love you regardless.
b.) You can ALWAYS give a gift. Always. Sometimes that's just a letter telling them how much they mean to you, or how much you wish for them and their lives.
c.) time to look into different insurance.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 26, 2015 19:17:40 GMT
I would have called my friend and explained my situation *before* the events. Not just sent a text message after the event. Although I understand your position and would most likely have declined the invitations too if I were in your situation, I think you handled this wrong.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Jan 26, 2015 19:18:28 GMT
You should have verbally told your friend before the shower. Did you tell her in advance to cancel your plate at the reception? Otherwise she already paid for it. Asking if she's ok via text is not the best way, because the only answer via text is yes. If it's no she has some long winded answer and thought best not to get into a texting war. It would take her more than 5 minutes via text to explain everything. She's no longer busy with the wedding and now has time to talk to you, so give her a call when she gets back. I personally think you handled all of this poorly. I pretty much agree with Annabella but at this time I'd quit worrying about it and just wait for her to call.
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 8:37:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2015 19:19:01 GMT
I agree that you handled the whole thing badly (if indeed you didn't talk to her before hand). Apologise and start afresh if she wants to.
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sharlag
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Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jan 26, 2015 19:20:00 GMT
I feel a disconnect between your concern over this friend's reaction, and the fact that you texted her the regrets. If you're close enough to care so much, why use the less-than-personal text instead of a face-to-face conversation?
The wedding was surely planned for a while, whereas a text is sort of a last minute communication, IMO.
Did your finances change very recently, so that it was an "OH BOY, batten down that hatches and don't spend any money!" thing that happened just in December, when the wedding was? Were you planning to go, and RSVPed "YES", then changed things?
I'm confused about timing and how close the friend is to you.
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NoWomanNoCry
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Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Jan 26, 2015 19:22:34 GMT
I can understand not being able to afford gifts for events so I get ya there. I see her side though as well because I wouldn't care if someone had a gift to give me I just would want their attendance at whatever event I'm having. So yeah I would be hurt. Although she should have texted you back saying "just come dont worry about a gift" (IF that's how she felt)
As for her leaving you in the dark about what's going on until she get back from her trip- I don't see that as a issue really. I guess I see it as maybe she wants to have a face to face or whatever she wants to discuss will take a bit of time and she wants to wait to hash it out when she gets back.
When she gets back if she don't contact you I would leave it be and just be cordial at church.
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Peamac
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Jun 26, 2014 0:09:18 GMT
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Post by Peamac on Jan 26, 2015 19:22:40 GMT
I'd still cut her some slack on this one. Just because you'd have time to talk before going out of town, doesn't mean she would.
I'd get together with her in person and tell her what you texted her. Who knows if she got those texts, if she got them when you sent them, etc. If I were her, I would have told you to still come to the shower and reception even without a gift. However, I wouldn't have much time to check texts if I were busy with a shower and/or wedding, so I'd probably miss some texts (which is why i still don't trust texts for important info- too many are missed or delayed which leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2015 19:33:03 GMT
You made your money problems her business when you brought her into it, via a text.
To be honest, she was in the middle of a very emotional and busy time (her daughter's wedding) and you made it about you.
There are plenty of ways to give a young couple a gift of time or service when you are very close and you care very much.
You seem very close to her--I can tell you if it were me, I would be very hurt if a close friend told me she was going to miss such a happy occasion because there was no money for a gift. I would want my friend present no matter what. I'm not that shallow.
How do you know whatever is bothering her is only going to take five minutes to resolve? Sometimes emotional confrontations take a toll ...
You should go prepared to apologize.
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Peamac
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Jun 26, 2014 0:09:18 GMT
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Post by Peamac on Jan 26, 2015 19:38:27 GMT
One of my favorite shower gifts was from my pastor's wife (this was 25 yrs ago). She gave me a pretty china plate (just one), with a note on the back, about using it to bring food/desserts to someone, or some church activity. How it can be a reminder of blessings, etc etc. i still have the plate, and everytime I wash it after using it, I restick the note to the back of the plate and remember her and her sweet spirit. I wanted to do that for my new niece-in-law, but couldn't find a plate I liked. (I checked several thrift stores) I ended up getting a photo frame from the dollar tree and making it into a menu/shopping list to stick on the fridge, with a dry erase pen included. Also a small photo album (4x6) from the dollar tree that I used some scrappy paper in the right colors for her to put some recipes in. (I also gave a gift card to a store, but you wouldn't have to since your expenses are so tight.)
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Gennifer
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Post by Gennifer on Jan 26, 2015 19:41:36 GMT
You made your money problems her business when you brought her into it, via a text. This is exactly what I was going to say. I understand that you are hurt, but she is also hurt. There are some times when a little white lie (I will be out of town, I'm previously committed to something, etc.) is preferable to the truth. Can you make something for her daughter?
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scorpeao
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Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Jan 26, 2015 19:44:16 GMT
Wait, I assumed you didn't RSVP. Did you RSVP that you'd attend and then you didn't? I understand not going to the shower or wedding and not saying anything until after the event. In my circle I'd be told "oh you don't need to bring a gift, you presence is gift enough," but I still wouldn't feel comfortable. However, had I said I'd attend I would've contacted her before the event.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2015 19:48:52 GMT
You should have sent your "regrets" before the events not after. They had a head count of how many to plan, and pay, for. You let them spend their money then said you weren't there because of your money. You had no consideration for their finances being stretched with wedding plans. Had they known ahead of time you weren't coming they could have saved the funds or invited someone else. It is rude to just not show up unless you are in the hospital or dead.
You let two major events in her life come then go without saying anything until later after she has given you her cold shoulder. Since showers and recpetions are normally rsvp events you should have responded prior to them as a "no" and explained then. Waiting until after.. sigh.. bad form.
I'd be making apologies to her for being rude.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2015 19:55:41 GMT
Here's how your post is reading to me: you were invited and didn't show up for the shower and texted her afterwards to send your regrets. Then same thing for the wedding. You were a no show at two important events in your friend's life.
You are lacking some information here - how long have you been friends? Did you RSVP before and then simply not show up? Sending a text afterwards is bad form.
Of course your friend is upset with you. You left her hanging and then sent your regrets afterwards. I'd be hurt too! You should be prepared to apologize to her many times and do not expect the relationship to be the same for a long time. And don't be surprised if you do not get invited to the baby shower.
I've known my friend for nearly 30 years. She knows I don't do phones well so texting is acceptable but for big stuff, we still call each other. This falls under big stuff. If you felt comfortable enough with admitting you couldn't afford a gift, then you should've been comfortable enough to talk to her about it beforehand, not afterwards. Sorry, in this case, the issue lies with you, not her.
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Post by myshelly on Jan 26, 2015 19:56:58 GMT
What in the world? Why do you keep texting her *after* events? Do you not understand how RSVPing works?
And if you don't want to discuss Obamacare, why bring it up? Why not say "our bill increased from $65 to $700" why even say "because of Obamacare"?
I bring this up because maybe you have this style of communicating in general - adding rude little jabs instead of just communicating the facts and that makes people respond negatively to you.
I know I was rolling my eyes and disliking you after the first two sentences of your long post.
You no showed to two important events in her life with no communication (I can't get over the fact that a grown woman would text after the event...ridiculous). I'd drop you as a friend, too.
And now you feel like she doesn't have time for you. Do you truly not see the irony there?
Even with no money you could have done something if she was truly a friend to you. Your presence was more important to her than a gift and you let her down. You are clearly in the wrong.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2015 20:24:02 GMT
Some quick background, our bills for insurance used to be $65 a month. They are now over $700 a month due to Obamacare. I am not discussing Obamacare though. I have a friend whose daughter got married in December. Her bridal shower was in November. I was invited to the shower, but I did not attend because I couldn't afford a gift. All our discretionary money is now used for insurance. After the shower, I texted my friend and explained that I was sorry I didn't attend the shower, but I couldn't afford a gift, and I felt awkward attending the shower with no gift. I explained that I hoped she knew it was not a reflection of how much I care for her daughter or a lack of support to her, and hoped she would understand. She never returned the text. Here comes December, and any extra money was going towards our very small Christmas. I didn't attend the reception either. I felt that I shouldn't go and partake of a dinner, drinks, etc. if I wasn't bringing a gift. I didn't text her this time. Since then, she has been very cold to me at church when I addressed her directly and she just walked off. She still hasn't texted me back. So after church, I send another text, " We are scrapping on Thursday, hope you can come! Have I done something to offend you? Things seemed a bit off between us at church today, and since you didn't text me back last month, I thought there might be a problem. Let me know so we can talk about it, ok?" She doesn't text me back. I check with my other friends to see if she has changed her number, because I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. No, she hasn't, but she did tell someone she was annoyed because of a text that was a group text saying, "Ladies go see the scrapbooking warehouse sale, it's awesome and I got a great haul for cheap." She assumed it was me, but it was not. I had a terrible time staying out of there, but I did. No sense going to look when you can't buy. Finally, two months later, she answers my text and says "Thanks for your email. I'm going out of town next week, let's talk when I get back." This is on a Friday. My feeling from her is, "I don't have time for you, so you can just wait and wonder a little longer." I am annoyed. It would take her all of 5 minutes to tell me what's bothering her and for me to set the record straight. Besides the fact that it is none of her business how I spend my money, even if I did. I didn't respond in annoyance, I just said OK. But I'm done worrying about this I think. If one of my friends texted me with an apology about the shower, I would have immediately texted her back not to worry about it. To me, this feels like she's only wanting the gift out of it. There is more regarding gifts and another friend, so I may be swayed to think this. How would you handle this when she finally gets around to me? i think you should reflect a lot on your behavior and see how you could have done almost everything differently and stop texting. talk to people
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 26, 2015 20:26:01 GMT
Did you RSVP to either event that you were coming?
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gina
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Jun 26, 2014 1:59:16 GMT
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Post by gina on Jan 26, 2015 20:29:21 GMT
To be honest, I would be offended too if I was your friend. You just basically blew off a special time in her daughter's life. I'd be giving you the cold shoulder as well (I don't talk well. I am better at ignoring until I am not as annoyed down the road. It's just the way I am. Not saying its right).
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 26, 2015 20:39:35 GMT
She's a lot more generous than I am if she's going to have a conversation with you. Reflects that you don't quite grasp how your behavior hurt your friend. I wouldn't care one iota about a gift - but if a supposed good friend was a no show for my daughter's shower and wedding with a lame text about tight finances - I would think that they have their priorities utterly screwed up. I'm sorry, but you really need to reflect on your own actions. One of my friends who was putting herself through college when I married, gave me one of my most memorable shower gifts. She took 5-6 of her favorite family recipes and wrote them on little index cards and tied them with a ribbon.
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Post by Lexica on Jan 26, 2015 20:40:57 GMT
I have had more than one occasion where I was short on funds just when I needed a gift for an important event. That's when I do my darnest to get as creative as I can and make something that is truly from the heart and as personal and loving as I can think of. Some of my most well-received gifts were gifts I came up with when I was very short on money. I had to make my mother's 60th birthday present because I was a young, broke newlywed and hadn't thought ahead long enough to have started saving money a few paychecks prior to the actual event. Oops. I made her something that she absolutely loved and it cost me about $15 for all of the components. Mom cried when she received it, so I'd say that's the best type of present - one you can evoke emotions from the recipient. Had I just bought her something nice, she would have still appreciated it, but not as muh. She wa really emotional.
Surely you have some type of crafting skill or talent that you could have used to make the daughter something. Even if you just bought a lined notebook at Staples, made it pretty with some scrapbooking materials, and filled it full of newlywed advice and your best recipies. That would have been a great shower present for the cost of probably $2 or $3. Most people really appreciate something from the heart like that.
At my own wedding shower a few centuries ago, one of my favorite gifts was an empty recipe card book. As soon as I opened the book, everyone got into their purses and pulled out a handwritten recipe cards and started passing them toward me for me to add to my new book. My best friend had sent blank recipe cards to everyone attending the shower, asking them to bring ito the shower with a recipe to share. Most people wrote little personal notes on them too. I still have that thing and adore it. That wasn't very expensive, but it was one of my most valued gifts. If you are very close with the bride's mother, you could have requested the email list for shower guests and had them each email you a recipe or 5. So many things could have been done that wouldn't have cost you much at all. I would like to think your friend wanted you there more than whatever you were bringing to give her daughter. I know I would have wanted to share the experience with my good friends.
As for not going to the wedding itself, had you already RSVP'd that you would go? And I agree with the other posters who say you should have made a more personal contact to cancel your attendance at the wedding well in advance of the event so she didn't get stuck paying for your meal. I know I would be very hurt if one of my friends behaved this way, assuming they were not welcome without some expensive gift to give. Although you mentioned something about an incident that occurred that was making you feel as if you needed to bring something nice and expensive. Do you really think this friend would react like that?
You might want to think about making up some generic gifts that you can pull out and use for any upcoming birthdays or events that you know you will be invited to this year. I sympathize with your financial situation, but try to be sensitive to your friends who probably want you there no matter what.
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Post by myshelly on Jan 26, 2015 20:44:01 GMT
She's a lot more generous than I am if she's going to have a conversation with you. Reflects that you don't quite grasp how your behavior hurt your friend. I wouldn't care one iota about a gift - but if a supposed good friend was a no show for my daughter's shower and wedding with a lame text about tight finances - I would think that have their priorities utterly screwed up. I'm sorry, but you really need to reflect on your own actions. One of my friends who was putting herself through college when I married, gave me one of my most memorable shower gifts. She took 5-6 of her favorite family recipes and wrote them on little index cards and tied them with a ribbon. Exactly! If you think this is about the gift, OP, then you just don't get it. Which is probably why she has avoided you for so long.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2015 20:50:35 GMT
Did you RSVP before the shower? Did she think you were going to be there and then you didn't show? Ditto the wedding? I guess I don't know why, if you weren't going to go, you texted her afterward with what could easily be taken as a guilt trip. Just RSVP no and leave it at that. Your text would make me feel extremely awkward.
Frankly, if I were the friend, I'd be hurt that my friend thought I only wanted her at my important life events if she "paid admission." I invited people to my wedding because they were important to me and I wanted them there, not because I wanted to amass gifts.
I don't think you're the wronged party here.
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Post by mellowyellow on Jan 26, 2015 20:54:20 GMT
I would be so hurt if you were my friend and didn't come to my daughter's shower or reception. Like previous posters said...you made it all about you. And why did you wait until AFTER the shower to let her know? I'm sorry but I think you are in the wrong here. You probably knew way in advance of when the wedding/shower was going to be so why couldn't you have planned for a gift? It didn't have to be much.
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Post by BoilerUp! on Jan 26, 2015 20:58:15 GMT
Texting after the events is very impersonal.
In this situation, I would have expected a call from a friend to let me know they couldn't attend. If she is kind enough to invite you to such a special event in her and her daughters life, it meant something to them to have you there.
She is hurt.
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