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Post by lesserknownpea on Jan 27, 2015 7:26:58 GMT
OP I appreciate the humble way you have taken the comments here. Especially as I will suggest that pride was involved in your decision not to attend the events without gifts.
I personally find myself in this position often, because my own financial situation is abysmal. Fortunately, I am a great photographer, so I have offered portrait sessions in lieu of gifts for some occasions. But for others, I have had to humble attend because I believe my loved ones when the say my presence is truly what they want, not the gift.
Think about it: we as a society have so many material possessions. Very few NEED all that stuff. Money is nice, but it is not other people's responsibility to pay our bills, so while a money gift is always nice if the giver can afford it, it is not a requisite.
So I suck it up and go with small gifts, and sometimes none at all. Nobody hates me, and they all thank me for coming. I admit, as a person who was able to bring nice gifts all me life, it is hard to be this person, but it's teaching me humility.
However, when I have had an event, shower, anniversary party, child's wedding, I wanted my people there to support me! I cared, I noticed, I remembered who was there. I was grateful for the support . and I'm afraid to say if the excuse of the no show seemed lame to me, I did hold it against them in my heart for awhile.
I think it's good news that your friend wants to talk when she gets back. Don't fret, just meditate on how you can humbly and sincerely communicate. Don't make excuses, or make her feel bad about your finances.
BTW, I hate the phone, too, so I don't think texting was heinous. It was the after the fact that was the problem.
And, how about you? Do you feel bad that you missed these occasions?
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jan 27, 2015 11:32:14 GMT
Some quick background, our bills for insurance used to be $65 a month. They are now over $700 a month due to Obamacare. I am not discussing Obamacare though. I have a friend whose daughter got married in December. Her bridal shower was in November. I was invited to the shower, but I did not attend because I couldn't afford a gift. All our discretionary money is now used for insurance. After the shower, I texted my friend and explained that I was sorry I didn't attend the shower, but I couldn't afford a gift, and I felt awkward attending the shower with no gift. I explained that I hoped she knew it was not a reflection of how much I care for her daughter or a lack of support to her, and hoped she would understand. She never returned the text. Here comes December, and any extra money was going towards our very small Christmas. I didn't attend the reception either. I felt that I shouldn't go and partake of a dinner, drinks, etc. if I wasn't bringing a gift. I didn't text her this time. Since then, she has been very cold to me at church when I addressed her directly and she just walked off. She still hasn't texted me back. So after church, I send another text, " We are scrapping on Thursday, hope you can come! Have I done something to offend you? Things seemed a bit off between us at church today, and since you didn't text me back last month, I thought there might be a problem. Let me know so we can talk about it, ok?" She doesn't text me back. I check with my other friends to see if she has changed her number, because I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. No, she hasn't, but she did tell someone she was annoyed because of a text that was a group text saying, "Ladies go see the scrapbooking warehouse sale, it's awesome and I got a great haul for cheap." She assumed it was me, but it was not. I had a terrible time staying out of there, but I did. No sense going to look when you can't buy. Finally, two months later, she answers my text and says "Thanks for your email. I'm going out of town next week, let's talk when I get back." This is on a Friday. My feeling from her is, "I don't have time for you, so you can just wait and wonder a little longer." I am annoyed. It would take her all of 5 minutes to tell me what's bothering her and for me to set the record straight. Besides the fact that it is none of her business how I spend my money, even if I did. I didn't respond in annoyance, I just said OK. But I'm done worrying about this I think. If one of my friends texted me with an apology about the shower, I would have immediately texted her back not to worry about it. To me, this feels like she's only wanting the gift out of it. There is more regarding gifts and another friend, so I may be swayed to think this. How would you handle this when she finally gets around to me? I would have picked up the phone and called her instead of being so impersonal by texting everything.
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Post by pelirroja on Jan 27, 2015 12:01:52 GMT
If you're a scrapper with a stash, couldn't you have made some stationery cards for the couple with their new initial/monograms? And why are you texting instead of having a convo either in person or over the phone? A good friend would want you there regardless of whether or not you are providing a gift: are you sure you fully know your friend's thoughts on this? Perhaps your presence and not a present was what she wanted. Having your kid get married is a big deal and she might have really needed your emotional support, not financial gifts.
It sounds to me like it's possible that you are the one who made it about money, not your friend. I'd try my best to give her an apology but be prepared for her to decide it's not enough to rebuild your friendship. These milestone moments are a huge turning point in relationships and I think you emphasized money and might have misjudged your friend.
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Post by hop2 on Jan 27, 2015 13:03:31 GMT
For the future refupeas a who have financial issues, a friend of mine got a 25$ restaurant GC ( Olive garden I think ) in a hand made card the day of her wedding. She thought it a little weird but thanked the person graciously and enjoyed a lunch with her new DH. Lo and behold she was surprised when each month, just in time for her 'anniversary' she received a handmade card and small gift. They had something to do each month for their anniversary that first year.
Things like SB GC $10, movie tickets, pizza delivery card, a handmade picture frame, etc. In that way the finances were spread out over 12 months and easier to manage and the recipient knew she was thought of and well loved. It was such a hit that even though the gift giver is no longer in financial difficulty she continues to give her gifts that way if she knows the people well enough to get meaningful small items. The recipient still talks about how wonderful that was. It's a big hit for new parents too.
I haven't done it because I'm afraid I'd forget one month, so it's for organized people. Lol plus all my friends know it's her thing.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jan 27, 2015 13:21:30 GMT
For the future refupeas a who have financial issues, a friend of mine got a 25$ restaurant GC ( Olive garden I think ) in a hand made card the day of her wedding. She thought it a little weird but thanked the person graciously and enjoyed a lunch with her new DH. Lo and behold she was surprised when each month, just in time for her 'anniversary' she received a handmade card and small gift. They had something to do each month for their anniversary that first year. Things like SB GC $10, movie tickets, pizza delivery card, a handmade picture frame, etc. In that way the finances were spread out over 12 months and easier to manage and the recipient knew she was thought of and well loved. It was such a hit that even though the gift giver is no longer in financial difficulty she continues to give her gifts that way if she knows the people well enough to get meaningful small items. The recipient still talks about how wonderful that was. It's a big hit for new parents too. I haven't done it because I'm afraid I'd forget one month, so it's for organized people. Lol plus all my friends know it's her thing. That is an awesome idea! I may use it for something other than a wedding as well.
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Post by trixiecat on Jan 27, 2015 15:15:18 GMT
I am not going to blast you. We all make mistakes. I think the important thing now is that you apologize and try to make some sort of amends. You have been given some great ideas on a small budget. I didn't read through every response, and I am not sure where the bride and groom live, but have you thought about restaurant.com. You can buy a $10 restaurant gift certificate for $2. They have higher denominations also, but I forget the cost.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Jan 27, 2015 22:06:52 GMT
No flaming from me, either. And I get where you're coming from. No matter what people may say, it would be incredibly uncomfortable to show up at an event like a shower or wedding if I didn't have a gift. Let's face it - that is the entire point of a shower.
One thing I have discovered over the years is that money is a touchy subject (not that that's a secret). As soon as you make it a reason not to do something, it invites people to judge every purchase you make. I learned that the little white lie comes in very handy when confronted with situations like yours.
I hope you & your friend can work things out.
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