Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,772
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Aug 17, 2015 0:23:26 GMT
I totally agree with every thing Olan has posted in this thread.
Me too.
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Post by yoursweetwhimsy on Aug 17, 2015 0:25:00 GMT
My boys are about the same age and I would not be funding a wedding under these circumstances either. I tell my boys that a fool learns from his own mistakes but a wise man learns from the mistake's of others. I want them to learn from my mistakes but sometimes they are hell bent on learning the hard way which I have to let them. It's so hard to do but I don't have any other choice. Hugs to you right now. I know this has to be really hard.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 0:58:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2015 0:26:10 GMT
I don't think it's a good idea to attempt to control your child's choices with promises of money. I agree with this. My parents tried to force us to get married by saying they'd pay for a "small, modest" wedding (which I have no problem with!) but it wasn't a gift, it was a bribe or a way to try to manipulate US to do what THEY wanted. The result was, we never had a wedding.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 17, 2015 0:38:16 GMT
I can understand why you feel the way you do, but getting engaged and getting married are two very different things. They could be "engaged" for a long time (you can hope!). I would be more concerned about the deception surrounding it all than anything.
That said, DH and I started dating when we were 18, moved in together 1.5 years later and got married 2.5 years after that when we were 22. DH still had a year left of college and I hadn't even started yet (I was working full time to pay the mortgage and other bills) when we got married. I wanted to wait until he was done with school but HE was the one chomping at the bit to tie the knot because his grandparents were elderly and in poor health and he really wanted them to be there. 26 years married and 30 years later, we're still together. We made a lot of stupid money mistakes in our early years too, I think most young people do. Eventually we figured things out.
On a related note, I would advise any young guy NOT to give an engagement ring as a birthday or Christmas gift. In the event that the relationship goes south, it's harder to get the ring back if it was given as a gift vs. solely for engagement.
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Olan
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Jul 13, 2014 21:23:27 GMT
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Post by Olan on Aug 17, 2015 0:42:02 GMT
Thanks for updating!! I think of you and your DS often.. I'm sorry to hear that he manipulated you. Do you think that if you called his attention to the fact that you know you got played that he wouldn't cut you off again? I think he should know that you know, but not if it would cause you to cut your nose off to spite your face. Lesson learned for sure that you can't trust him or his word. I have a niece that's very similar to your son. We love on her when we see her and stay in touch with her but we will not give her money or give her any incentive to do anything because she will somehow manipulate us to get the incentive and then run. She calls and texts when she needs or wants something. It's sad..but eventually I have hope she will grow up. I disagree with Olan that incentives don't work. I think they are a useful tool..but only if you stick to your guns. I wouldn't stress about this "engagement". She very well could've pushed him to go to her dad and pushed the whole promise into engagement thing. He gave her the promise ring, she wanted the fun and excitement of engagement, told him there's no difference between the two, can't accept the ring until he talks to dad, etc. just trying to give your DS a little benefit of the doubt that maybe his intentions weren't totally dishonorable. I get that you don't agree with me but to clarify I didn't say incentives don't work. Though it clearly didn't work in her case I do believe incentives work. The question I would ask is would I like my child to be motivated by digging into my purse or simply because doing the right thing is well THE RIGHT THING!!!!! I didn't walk a dirt road barefoot to get to school but no wonder my generation and younger are so freaking entitled and can't get their acts together.
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Post by Skellinton on Aug 17, 2015 0:43:49 GMT
It sucks that he is engaged so young, it sucks he is still involved with this girl, it sucks that he lied to you about the money and his intent with the ring, it sucks he isn't taking more classes, it sucks he thinks he is a grown up and it sucks that he is content with the direction his life is taking. It all sucks, I get that. The fact is, is that he is technically an adult, he is supporting himself and his gf even if he is making asinine decisions. You can either accept these decisions and grip about your frustrations to your husband and friends and us while continuing to have a relationship with your son and the pretty much inevitable grand children. Your other option is to let your son know exactly how you feel and I pretty much guarantee he will disappear from your life again and when there are grandchildren you will probably not be allowed to have a relationship with them. Is letting your son know how you feel really worth that? Is proving that you are right really worth losing the relationship with your son and future grandchildren?
I Completely agree you should not loan him money, contribute to a wedding or bail him out financially. But I would keep my mouth shut about how stupid he is being. There is a possibility that this relationship will stick. Maybe a slight chance, but a chance. Don't burn your bridges.
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Post by melanell on Aug 17, 2015 0:52:05 GMT
Do you mean he is going to school without resources from the government or he is living his life in general that way? Only because she mentioned they live in low income housing and I would view that as a government resource.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 0:58:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2015 1:00:42 GMT
Thanks for updating!! I think of you and your DS often.. I'm sorry to hear that he manipulated you. Do you think that if you called his attention to the fact that you know you got played that he wouldn't cut you off again? I think he should know that you know, but not if it would cause you to cut your nose off to spite your face. Lesson learned for sure that you can't trust him or his word. I have a niece that's very similar to your son. We love on her when we see her and stay in touch with her but we will not give her money or give her any incentive to do anything because she will somehow manipulate us to get the incentive and then run. She calls and texts when she needs or wants something. It's sad..but eventually I have hope she will grow up. I disagree with Olan that incentives don't work. I think they are a useful tool..but only if you stick to your guns. I wouldn't stress about this "engagement". She very well could've pushed him to go to her dad and pushed the whole promise into engagement thing. He gave her the promise ring, she wanted the fun and excitement of engagement, told him there's no difference between the two, can't accept the ring until he talks to dad, etc. just trying to give your DS a little benefit of the doubt that maybe his intentions weren't totally dishonorable. I get that you don't agree with me but to clarify I didn't say incentives don't work. Though it clearly didn't work in her case I do believe incentives work. The question I would ask is would I like my child to be motivated by digging into my purse or simply because doing the right thing is well THE RIGHT THING!!!!! I didn't walk a dirt road barefoot to get to school but no wonder my generation and younger are so freaking entitled and can't get their acts together. Well duh, we would all like everyone to be motivated by doing the right thing. What a wonderful world that would be. Not exactly reality.
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Olan
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Jul 13, 2014 21:23:27 GMT
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Post by Olan on Aug 17, 2015 1:07:18 GMT
I get that you don't agree with me but to clarify I didn't say incentives don't work. Though it clearly didn't work in her case I do believe incentives work. The question I would ask is would I like my child to be motivated by digging into my purse or simply because doing the right thing is well THE RIGHT THING!!!!! I didn't walk a dirt road barefoot to get to school but no wonder my generation and younger are so freaking entitled and can't get their acts together. Well duh, we would all like everyone to be motivated by doing the right thing. What a wonderful world that would be. Not exactly reality. *rolls eyes* well let's all give up trying.
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Post by Belia on Aug 17, 2015 1:09:40 GMT
I have got to learn to say no to him and I have to learn so stop getting involved in his life. With DS it's all about what he wants (or she wants) and I need to just stay away from that. DH has done a very good job at setting healthly boundaries and I need to also. These are your words. Remember them and repeat them as many times as you need to for as long as it takes. Be friendly and kind, but completely noncommittal when it comes to their grand plans for life. Smile and nod. "Hmmmm. Interesting!" BUT DO NOT GIVE HIM ONE MORE DIME, OR ANYTHING WORTH ONE MORE DIME. When he asks for anything, say "I'm sorry, but that just won't work for me." Repeat, repeat, repeat. Be strong, mom. A young man who cannot afford $60 for an engagement ring has no business getting married. You know that... keep remembering that when things get tough.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 0:58:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2015 1:22:11 GMT
Do you mean he is going to school without resources from the government or he is living his life in general that way? Only because she mentioned they live in low income housing and I would view that as a government resource. We do not give him money for tuition. Our agreement was As&Bs and we would pay. The first two semeter he failed and the 2nd semester he got D's. His tution is now paid for through the college (low income eligible) and he contined to get Cs. He works 15 hours a week at Starbucks and 15 hours a week in the after school program. He is smart and very capable of working 30 hrs a week and making As & Bs at commnity college. He chooses not to. During the summer when he wasn't working in the school program he didn't increase his hours at Starbucks. He continued to work 15 hrs a week and then complain he was broke. If you were to ask him why he can't work more or take more classes his answer is he is tired. He is tired because he stays up all night playing video games. He isn't serious about school. He isn't serious about work. He has to grow up and we really keep waiting for that to happen. She is fully funded through financial aid. She gets tuition, books and extra money for living. Her parents pay her phone, car insurance and registration. I have been paying his cell phone and he is on our health insurance. DH put new brakes on their car last month as well as a new AC unit. Even with the little help we give them, they don't appreciate it. He makes comments that make me feel guilty like I'm not doing enough for him. The cell phone thing is coming to an end this month. We will keep him on our insurance as long as we can.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Aug 17, 2015 1:25:55 GMT
Thanks for updating!! I think of you and your DS often.. I'm sorry to hear that he manipulated you. Do you think that if you called his attention to the fact that you know you got played that he wouldn't cut you off again? I think he should know that you know, but not if it would cause you to cut your nose off to spite your face. Lesson learned for sure that you can't trust him or his word. I have a niece that's very similar to your son. We love on her when we see her and stay in touch with her but we will not give her money or give her any incentive to do anything because she will somehow manipulate us to get the incentive and then run. She calls and texts when she needs or wants something. It's sad..but eventually I have hope she will grow up. I disagree with Olan that incentives don't work. I think they are a useful tool..but only if you stick to your guns. I wouldn't stress about this "engagement". She very well could've pushed him to go to her dad and pushed the whole promise into engagement thing. He gave her the promise ring, she wanted the fun and excitement of engagement, told him there's no difference between the two, can't accept the ring until he talks to dad, etc. just trying to give your DS a little benefit of the doubt that maybe his intentions weren't totally dishonorable. I get that you don't agree with me but to clarify I didn't say incentives don't work. Though it clearly didn't work in her case I do believe incentives work. The question I would ask is would I like my child to be motivated by digging into my purse or simply because doing the right thing is well THE RIGHT THING!!!!! I didn't walk a dirt road barefoot to get to school but no wonder my generation and younger are so freaking entitled and can't get their acts together. With all due respect, I saw that you mentioned upthread that you don't have children, and I think that may be contributing to the difference of opinions here. Kids of that age, especially boys, many times do not have the brain development necessary to be able to weigh all the consequences of their decisions. Yes of course they have a conscience, and the vast majority of them "try" to do the "right thing", but they don't have the mental and emotional maturity yet to be able to fully comprehend what their decisions will mean long-term, and no amount of telling them will make a difference. That usually comes closer to the early 20s. I'm not saying that kids/young adults nowadays aren't entitled - I definitely feel that's a real problem in our society - heck our society as a whole has entitlement issues. But it's not the only factor at play here.
I have a son the same age, and he's a great kid, but there are definitely times I wonder WTH is he thinking/want to knock his head against the wall. I think the vast majority of parents of boys in their late teens would report the same thing.
O/P, I'm happy to hear that communication has been re-established with him, and I'm sorry that things with the girlfriend moved along faster than you had hoped. It's ok to be disappointed in his decisions - you're his mother and you want what's best for him. As you work through those feelings, try to focus on the good in the situation. I know that's not always easy. Hang in there!
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Post by DinCA on Aug 17, 2015 1:27:40 GMT
It sucks that he is engaged so young, it sucks he is still involved with this girl, it sucks that he lied to you about the money and his intent with the ring, it sucks he isn't taking more classes, it sucks he thinks he is a grown up and it sucks that he is content with the direction his life is taking. It all sucks, I get that. The fact is, is that he is technically an adult, he is supporting himself and his gf even if he is making asinine decisions. You can either accept these decisions and grip about your frustrations to your husband and friends and us while continuing to have a relationship with your son and the pretty much inevitable grand children. Your other option is to let your son know exactly how you feel and I pretty much guarantee you he will disappear from your life again and when their are grandchildren you will probably not be allowed to have a relationship with them. Is letting your son know how you feel really worth that? Is proving that you are right really worth losing the relationship with your son and future grandchildren? I Completley agree you should not loan him money, contribute to a wedding or bail him out financially. But I would keep my mouth shut about how stupid he is being. There is a possibility that this relationship will stick. Maybe a slight chance, but a chance. Don't burn your bridges. I wholeheartedly agree with this. You've worked so hard to have him back in your life again. Just count this as a lesson learned. If you let your feelings known about his relationship, you will lose him again. He sounds stubborn and may very well dig his heels into the relationship just to spite you or stay in the relationship longer than he would because he wants to be right. He's going to do what he wants, though, regardless of how you feel about it. You only have control over your reaction to it. They may very well beat the odds and stay together but there's an equal chance they won't, but focus on the relationship you want to have with him whether they are successful or not.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Aug 17, 2015 1:29:55 GMT
Do you mean he is going to school without resources from the government or he is living his life in general that way? Only because she mentioned they live in low income housing and I would view that as a government resource. We do not give him money for tuition. Our agreement was As&Bs and we would pay. The first two semeter he failed and the 2nd semester he got D's. His tution is now paid for through the college (low income eligible) and he contined to get Cs. He works 15 hours a week at Starbucks and 15 hours a week in the after school program. He is smart and very capable of working 30 hrs a week and making As & Bs at commnity college. He chooses not to. During the summer when he wasn't working in the school program he didn't increase his hours at Starbucks. He continued to work 15 hrs a week and then complain he was broke. If you were to ask him why he can't work more or take more classes his answer is he is tired. He is tired because he stays up all night playing video games. He isn't serious about school. He isn't serious about work. He has to grow up and we really keep waiting for that to happen. She is fully funded through financial aid. She gets tuition, books and extra money for living. Her parents pay her phone, car insurance and registration. I have been paying his cell phone and he is on our health insurance. DH put new brakes on their car last month as well as a new AC unit. Even with the little help we give them, they don't appreciate it. He makes comments that make me feel guilty like I'm not doing enough for him. The cell phone thing is coming to an end this month. We will keep him on our insurance as long as we can. There is nothing wrong with your tuition/grade policy. We have the same one, as do many of the parents with college-age kids we know. Why waste your money if the student isn't going to respect it.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 0:58:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2015 2:19:43 GMT
Breathing heavy right with you...I will never understand the young. They don't think ahead only right now. We are in the same boat as you, what does it benfits to lie to those that love you. All everyone says is that it will get better, they will grow up. When? We have taken a hard stance, ours has till October 1st to be enrolled in school full time or be employed full time. Or she will start paying rent or can move out. We don't give her any money & she's pissed she can't drive our car.She's 18 and wanted to have her "freedom", well that freedom dose not include waking us at at 1am, cleaning up after her, paying for her and so on. Being an adult has rules, responsibilities and expecations. I'm with you on the fustration, we need a support group for kids that push our patience...vent away!
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Post by fridaycat on Aug 17, 2015 3:28:42 GMT
What is the difference between a "promise" ring and an engagement ring anyhow? In my mind the difference is age (young vs. Older) and financial status at the time of the ring's purchase (broke vs. Doing alright). LOL
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SabrinaP
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Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,355
Location: Dallas Texas
Jun 26, 2014 12:16:22 GMT
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Post by SabrinaP on Aug 17, 2015 3:43:48 GMT
Maybe he's not so much manipulating you, but is uncomfortable telling you the truth, since he must know how you feel about it. This is what I was thinking also. I wouldn't give him more money, but I would continue to try to rebuild the relationship. He is an adult and it entitled to live the life he wants to live, you just don't have to fund it.
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Post by elaine on Aug 17, 2015 3:47:01 GMT
I make good choices because I don't want my life to go to shit. Simple. I think you've got to take a step back and allow your son room to make his own life choices and experience natural consequences. By just getting pregnant do you mean poke holes in condoms? This is my biggest issue - he is okay with his life being shit. I'm the one who really wants more for him. They are broke, live in low income housing, have 1 car that barely runs. He thinks life is great because he makes his own decisions. He keeps saying he will get serious about college but again this semester he is only taking 1 class. We were hoping paying for the wedding would be incentive for them to actually get through college. I'm sure he isn't using condoms anymore because I know she is on the pill now. Those are easy to forget to take. If he thinks his life is great as is, you are not going to convince him otherwise. To him, his life is great. Step back, stop giving him money with hopes his viewpoint will change. Thinking your $$$ will convince him to make different choices about his love life or his education is foolish - I'm sorry. There is absolutely no evidence that your money will make an iota of difference, and you are left feeling hopeful things will be different and then very disappointed when they aren't. At this point, stop being a doormat and protect your heart. How much more are you willing to put yourself through? You don't deserve this AND at this point, YOU are the one who has to change for your own good. (((Hugs)))
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 17, 2015 3:49:48 GMT
I don't think it's a good idea to attempt to control your child's choices with promises of money. I don't see it as controling. I see it as motivation. But I am sure some people will see us "punishing" him for not paying for a wedding for a 19 & 20 yr old. I wouldn't be paying for this wedding, either.
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Post by elaine on Aug 17, 2015 3:50:59 GMT
ETA: stop making this about her and what you "think" is her influence. Your son is making his own choices and needs to be responsible and accountable for them. There are few things more annoying than moms blaming "the girlfriend" for their sons' poor choices. (I say this as a mom of only boys). You don't do anyone any favors by blaming her for your son's choices.
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Post by monicad on Aug 17, 2015 3:51:52 GMT
I'm so sorry to read this. You've gotten some really good advice, but it's still hard when you're the mom and its your kid...especially with all that he's been through. I really hope things work out in the end and you can put this part behind you. How is your younger son doing with all of this?
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 17, 2015 4:00:55 GMT
Well, Pa may as well get the shotgun. They're making all of the wrong choices and I wouldn't count on a long marriage, though it could happen. Let them make a huge mistake. Don't pay for anything more for your ds, not even a newspaper. When the money train no longer stops at his station then they'll have to grow up or fizzle. He won't perish. This is called growing up and you can still be his mom and love him and let him make a huge mistake. Just keep your wallet closed, even for a cup of coffee. He wants to take on a man's role and he's still a boy. His problem. You just enjoy your life and don't trust him no matter how much he tries to manipulate you. He needs a healthy dose of real life. Mommy bailing you out isn't that dose. I'm sorry that you have to deal w/this. It gets harder as they get older.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,376
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 17, 2015 4:08:26 GMT
As someone who has parents who have tried to use money to control us in the past, I agree with Olan. It's his life. You need to back off or you will lose him for good this time, and you won't get a chance to know your grandkids.
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TheOtherMeg
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Jun 25, 2014 20:58:14 GMT
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Post by TheOtherMeg on Aug 17, 2015 4:15:59 GMT
At some point the incentive for making good choices has to be a little less parent guided. Similar to the saying an addict won't be successful in recovery until recovery is what he is really after. I make good choices because I don't want my life to go to shit. Simple. I think you've got to take a step back and allow your son room to make his own life choices and experience natural consequences. I agree with this wholeheartedly. However, I don't have a problem with saying straight up, "Here are the facts. We'll contribute to wedding costs if you wait until after you graduate. If you choose to marry before graduation, we'll come and dance at your wedding, but we will not pay for any of it." This allows DS to make an informed decision. He can plan. He can weigh his choices. He can inform the GF. While it will definitely come across as manipulative to the couple, it's merely an explanation of the various choices available. You can choose Plan A, and suchandsuch will happen, or you can choose Plan B, and suchandsuch will not happen. (And in the next four years, Plans C through R will come out of nowhere and surprise the shit out of you.)
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Post by Baseballmom23 on Aug 17, 2015 4:24:27 GMT
I don't think it's a good idea to attempt to control your child's choices with promises of money. I don't see it as controling. I see it as motivation. But I am sure some people will see us "punishing" him for not paying for a wedding for a 19 & 20 yr old. I agree with you.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 17, 2015 4:38:18 GMT
I will chime in again (as someone who has personally lived through meeting the person I married really young, marrying young and surviving--still married to that person--to tell the tale) that it would be good to take a step back and a deep breath.
Yes, they are *saying* they are engaged, but what does that really mean to their lives? Nothing really all that different from what their situation was last week or last month. They know you aren't going to give them any money for a wedding until one (him) or both of them are done with school, and I'd be willing to guess that he does understand this. Stick to your guns if that matters to you (and it should, just on principle). They are still broke. They are still marginally employed college students living in low income housing. I guess I would do what you can to maintain the relationship you have worked to reestablish, but kids who want to act like they are grown need to face the logical consequences of what they decide to do. If the car breaks down, then they have to take the bus or work more hours for the money to fix it. No A/C? Oh well, then I guess you'll be hot. Don't bail them out unless it's literally life or death.
Keep in mind they don't have the money to get married and odds are they won't anytime soon. They won't be able to pay for her Pinterest inspired wedding dreams with such limited funds when they're barely getting by day to day now. She just wants to tell her friends that she's "Engaged! Woo hoo!" Engagement can last a long time, and I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself worrying about a wedding that isn't anything more than a long distance pipe dream at this point. Would HER parents completely fund it? How is SHE doing in school? If she's doing well in school, her parents aren't going to want her to have one or more kids right now either, they're going to want her to finish school too no matter what anyone's saying.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 0:58:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2015 5:22:58 GMT
I have got to learn to say no to him and I have to learn so stop getting involved in his life. With DS it's all about what he wants (or she wants) and I need to just stay away from that. DH has done a very good job at setting healthly boundaries and I need to also. These are your words. Remember them and repeat them as many times as you need to for as long as it takes. Be friendly and kind, but completely noncommittal when it comes to their grand plans for life. Smile and nod. "Hmmmm. Interesting!" BUT DO NOT GIVE HIM ONE MORE DIME, OR ANYTHING WORTH ONE MORE DIME. When he asks for anything, say "I'm sorry, but that just won't work for me." Repeat, repeat, repeat. Be strong, mom. A young man who cannot afford $60 for an engagement ring has no business getting married. You know that... keep remembering that when things get tough. I agree with the ring part... A young man who thinks engagement rings cost $60 has no business getting married!!! Sixty dollars should be a cheap date night for "kids" that age....gas in the car, a handful of carnations, dinner at taco bell, a movie and maybe coffee on the way home (home being a dorm or mom's house). I feel so sad for you, op.
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,426
Jun 27, 2014 2:27:09 GMT
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Post by tanya2 on Aug 17, 2015 6:00:04 GMT
Wow, sounds a lot like my stepson & his wife. We all know that whatever she wants is what's going to happen. They've pretty much cut his mother out of their lives too. I've learned to stay out of it & let my dh deal with him. I focus on my own kids. And I have permanent bruises on my tongue from biting it!!
I'm sorry you're going through this. Hold strong, spend time with them, but let them make their own choices - and mistakes. And no bailing them out when they happen!!
Easier said than done, believe me I know. I'm still learning daily.
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Post by pelirroja on Aug 17, 2015 10:48:17 GMT
FWIW, please know I have kids your kids age so I am trying to be as gentle as possible. This relationship is not all about just her: your son is half of this relationship, too. You seem so quick to blame her and dislike her but your son is half of this equation, too. These are acts and events he is voluntarily participating in and agreeing to, regardless of who the originator of the idea is/was.
In my shoes, I wouldn't have given $60. Based on the QVC shopping experience, you knew or should have known where this train was headed since your son flat out told you where it was going. You hoped you'd change his mind and gave him the money. Make this the last time you do that. When they talk of wedding plans, smile as best you can and tell them they have unique or wonderful dreams and ideas and you wish them the best of happiness. Do not give any money for weddings or rings or anything other than completed college courses. If they ask for anything, simply tell them that you are respecting their very adult decisions by letting them BE adults and pay for it themselves. You are going to respect their relationship and their decision and that will be for they themselves to foot the bill. It sounds like her parents might financially rescue them but you have no control over her parents behavior so concentrate on what you can do. And your own stuff is the only behavior you can control.
If I could give any advice that you are able to hear, it would be to not judge this girl harshly or treat her with disdain even if you can't stand the sight of her or just hearing her breathing makes you secretly homicidal inside. You might be dealing with her (and your potential grandchildren) for decades ahead. It seems that your relationship with your son isn't strong enough (at this point) to draw lines and pick sides so please try your hardest not to make it feel or seem like he's being criticized, even if he has just made the dumbest decision on the planet. If it's a mistake, it's HIS mistake to make.
My grandmother graduated college and her parents took her on a beach vacation to celebrate. While on day one of vacay, she snuck into a speakeasy and met my grandfather. The day her family was headed home, she married him (after only knowing him less than fourteen days), returned to her parents hotel, and they announced their news. My greatgrandfather (her Dad) told her congratulations and didn't give her a ride home: he just handed her the suitcases and wished her well. It took several years for things to smooth over between she and her parents. Their marriage lasted more than five decades and my grandfather died two weeks before my greatgrandfather died so they had to deal with each other for quite a long time. It caused a lot of friction and my Nana was so stubborn she would never admit to her Dad that she made the biggest mistake of her life although she confessed her regret to me when I was 16. She always said "If you marry in haste, you will repent in leisure". She was very unhappy but never did anything to remedy her mess. And she never told her parents they were right: she carried on that "happily married" charade for a very long time.
Like my grandmother, your son doesn't see this as a mistake. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't: time will tell. But if you insist that he is making a mistake, ruining his life, or giving him dire warnings, you are asking him to choose. That doesn't always work out well in the parents favor.
So, respect his decision (even if you disagree) and politely tell him you're going to treat him like the grownup he is. And grownups are self-sufficient as you are going to allow him to be. A class or two at a time might be him fulfilling your dream more than fulfilling his own. He isn't as motivated for success and big plans as you are and I hope you can find a way to accept that. You don't have to like it but please, please, please try to accept it.
My heart is breaking for you so I hope you can understand how difficult it is for me to type this out as I'm certain it sounds harsh. It isn't meant to be mean towards you. I just wouldn't want to see you lose your son in this process, regardless of whether or not this GF works out. Your husband sounds like he's really got this situation down pat so maybe you can follow his lead (and fake it til you make it, if need be). Perhaps your DH can provide some perspective or advice on how to handle this or maybe he can actually take the lead in this until you are able to draw and enforce some boundaries with your son. ((hugs))
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Aug 17, 2015 11:18:19 GMT
I don't think it's a good idea to attempt to control your child's choices with promises of money. Really - are you a parent? DH and I made the promise to pay for DS's college education. For that we set out what our expectations were: good grades, good behavior and not getting a young lady pregnant. If that was an attempt to control his behavior I'm happy to own that. OP as a mother you certainly have the right to have expectations of your son. Your offer to help with a wedding was generous and to have expectations that these two would first continue their education so they can get good jobs and have a bright future seems reasonable to me and not manipulative. If he is man enough to make these decisions then he needs to figure out the rest on his own. I understand being broken hearted and angry, he played you. Sorry, hang in there.
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