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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 17, 2015 18:28:19 GMT
But the thing is (that everyone keeps skipping past) is that they are NOT planning a WEDDING, at least not YET. Oh they would be planning the wedding if we were on board with it. I guarantee you that! And now that her parents have given them their approval they may be planning it - I don't know. But if we were to say "we approve" I'm sure the wedding planning would be going on. She wants to be married now....not in a few years but right now.
Yes, but you're *not* on board with it and they both know it. The fact that she wants a big flashy affair is actually a good thing because they don't have the money for that and you won't give it to them. They can dream all they want, but nothing will materialize without the money to pay for it. Do you have any type of relationship with her parents? Maybe in light of recent events, it would be a good time to touch base with them personally (not via text, Facebook message or email where things can be misconstrued) and see where they are with the whole thing and to let them know exactly where you and your DH stand, so there at least isn't any miscommunication between all of you as parents to these kids and so they know what your expectations are for the future. They may not be any more on board with the idea than you are, and if that's the case it would give you at least a little peace of mind knowing they won't get the money from her folks either. Also, if her parents know where you stand and you know where they stand, the kids will have a much harder time trying to play you against each other. Hugs to you, I hope that you are able to navigate these challenges without totally going crazy!
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Post by maryland on Aug 17, 2015 18:39:57 GMT
I don't think it's a good idea to attempt to control your child's choices with promises of money. I don't see it as controling. I see it as motivation. But I am sure some people will see us "punishing" him for not paying for a wedding for a 19 & 20 yr old. I think what you did is just fine! I remember your other posts and my friend's daughter is in pretty much the exact situation as your son. She is letting her figure it out for herself (and hopes she doesn't marry this boyfriend any time soon). We told our girls that we will pay for their college education, even an out of state expensive school but not for a wedding. So I think you are fine with whatever your conditions are. It's your money to do what you want with. Just my thoughts!
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Post by maryland on Aug 17, 2015 18:48:01 GMT
I get that you don't agree with me but to clarify I didn't say incentives don't work. Though it clearly didn't work in her case I do believe incentives work. The question I would ask is would I like my child to be motivated by digging into my purse or simply because doing the right thing is well THE RIGHT THING!!!!! I didn't walk a dirt road barefoot to get to school but no wonder my generation and younger are so freaking entitled and can't get their acts together. With all due respect, I saw that you mentioned upthread that you don't have children, and I think that may be contributing to the difference of opinions here. Kids of that age, especially boys, many times do not have the brain development necessary to be able to weigh all the consequences of their decisions. Yes of course they have a conscience, and the vast majority of them "try" to do the "right thing", but they don't have the mental and emotional maturity yet to be able to fully comprehend what their decisions will mean long-term, and no amount of telling them will make a difference. That usually comes closer to the early 20s. I'm not saying that kids/young adults nowadays aren't entitled - I definitely feel that's a real problem in our society - heck our society as a whole has entitlement issues. But it's not the only factor at play here.
I have a son the same age, and he's a great kid, but there are definitely times I wonder WTH is he thinking/want to knock his head against the wall. I think the vast majority of parents of boys in their late teens would report the same thing.
O/P, I'm happy to hear that communication has been re-established with him, and I'm sorry that things with the girlfriend moved along faster than you had hoped. It's ok to be disappointed in his decisions - you're his mother and you want what's best for him. As you work through those feelings, try to focus on the good in the situation. I know that's not always easy. Hang in there!
It's not just boys that age that make poor decisions, girls don't always make the best decisions either. We just hope that they can learn from their mistakes and not make them often.
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Post by scrapnatya on Aug 17, 2015 19:25:29 GMT
I didn't read all the responses but I read some. I'm in agreement with those that say....keep him in your life but maybe keeping your mouth shut about the stupid choices and the girlfriend. He knows you want better for him. Your lesson here is about control. It is time to just surrender it. You can so clearly see where he is going wrong in his life (we all can) but he is determined to be on his own. Just surrender. Make some sympathetic noises when he calls and says he's broke. Like when a toddler is three and having a tantrum...I just used to sympathize.."Oh it's so hard to be 3! I'm so sorry you're upset!" This is going to take practice and you may be in danger of actually biting off your tongue but keep him around....that's really what you want. Good luck. It really sucks and is so hard. Remember that being a success in life is not only defined by a college degree and a high paying job. He will find his way.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2015 20:29:03 GMT
I don't think it's a good idea to attempt to control your child's choices with promises of money. Really - are you a parent? DH and I made the promise to pay for DS's college education. For that we set out what our expectations were: good grades, good behavior and not getting a young lady pregnant. If that was an attempt to control his behavior I'm happy to own that. OP as a mother you certainly have the right to have expectations of your son. Your offer to help with a wedding was generous and to have expectations that these two would first continue their education so they can get good jobs and have a bright future seems reasonable to me and not manipulative. If he is man enough to make these decisions then he needs to figure out the rest on his own. I understand being broken hearted and angry, he played you. Sorry, hang in there. I agree with what you have quoted from Olan and I am a parent of a 20 year son who is making choices I don't like. Timing makes all the difference to me. If a parent gives some consequences to actions ahead of time then that is good parenting. If the parent waits till the "threat" is imminent then it most likely is is controlling. I say this as one who has fought hard, and often failed, to not be controlling with my children. Little by little I get it and hopefully will have not made a total mess of my children through my control by the time they are gone. In trying to deal with my child I have listened to parenting CDs etc. One of the things I learned from a therapist was that the person who cares less has the control. The person who cares more can sometimes react desperately because she wants to keep a relationship with the other person. The person who cares less then has a lot of room to do as he chooses, knowing that the person who cares more will put up with a lot of stuff. After hearing that now sometimes I fake it. My child will make a bad choice and I can see the bad consequences coming so I will text my DH or pray or journal write or talk to my mom or whatever my concerns. Then when I see the consequences come from the bad choice I pat his back and say, "Wow. That's really tough. I love you and I know you can get through this." and then I force myself to step away and let him take care of the consequences. And you know what? Things are SLOWLY getting better.
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Post by ladytrisha on Aug 17, 2015 20:37:06 GMT
From your update, I think you're almost there with boundaries. I'd hazard a guess that he just pushed you over the edge.
Its okay to say no ... its better to mean it.
Its also perfectly okay to realize that they're never going to stay married. I was only 20 when we married - having been there, done that, we wish we would have waited (various reasons).
His GF is looking to justify that this guy is the "one" to her family and friends. He's just looking to keep her quiet. He keeps you quiet by saying what you want to hear. And like most boys, does the polar opposite away from you LOL
Have a sit down with hubby, agree you're united and then start telling the kid no. In a few years, he'll look back and realize that you were there for HIM - not for the GF or her FB minions. For Him. You and hubby should have a code word for when your son comes over so that if you feel you're beginning to get swayed, the word can be said and you just disengage and walk out of the conversation.
Hang in there - I think this entire board is behind you. My Mom had a terrible time doing it with my sister - it was actually the BEST thing they ever did for her. She still makes uber stupid decisions - but they're hers and she faces the consquences. Some just take a more scenic road filled with bumps and ditches. They get thru it though.
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Post by peasapie on Aug 17, 2015 20:42:39 GMT
When they're old enough to tell you what they're doing despite your advice, you accept it and wish them well. Who knows? This marriage could last 30+ years if it takes place. My daughter moved in and then married a young man despite my wishes that she wait. It has worked out very well. Not exactly the life I'd imagined for her, but one she knows she is responsible for. I help now and then, financially and with the children, but mainly just accept and love them. Not much else you can do.
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Post by ladytrisha on Aug 17, 2015 20:55:46 GMT
okay... i just saw that you're paying for insurance and cell phone, and you put brakes on the car and an A/C unit.
So, here's an idea. Effective next month (give them some notice) they are to reimburse you on the 1st and 15th for health insurance, and cell phone. This is the only way they will learn REALITY and that life isn't all rosie posting fantasies on FB for all their friends to oogle over. No more extras for their car or their comfort with an A/C unit. Nope. That bank got robbed enough and time for you to close the door.
FWIW I was that girl - couldn't wait to get married because it was a way out of the chaos of my life at home. And it was - and boy howdy we made some shitty decisions. And my MIL hated me - and even with Alzheimers' STILL hates me. His parents turned his back; my parents bent over backwards - the lessons learned were somewhere in the middle of it all. It was only when we felt the fallout from our decisions (without our parents $$) that we finally changed.
And we've hammered it to our kid now. We will help with school as long as he gets the grades (we used a chunk of college $$ to save his life 2 years ago) - but the therapist said to let him set the rules and let him be responsible - seriously, best advice for the money. He's mentally on his game, still plays and probably isn't the "rah rah college student" I want him to be, but he now manages his own financial affairs. He got his classes, set up a payment plan and just does it - very little input from us. Best of all, he's even advising his friends on how they can do it too.
I know how much it frustrates you ... just remember he's on the scenic road instead of the highway we'd take. He'll get there. He's showing all the signs of it.
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Aug 17, 2015 21:01:42 GMT
needmysanity- I have thought of you often as you have gone through this struggle. I have been going through hell with my daugther and some days I don't know what to do. We just get through the day. Its hard when we love our children unconditionally. My daughter (17) took off in the middle of the night with her boyfriend about a month ago. We tried to set boundries and guide her to see that this boy was not a good person to be friends with let alone boyfriend. We did not forbid the relationship because we were afraid to push her towards him. Well she didn't like our rules (curfew at 11) and left. I was devastated and surprised by her sudden change in behavior. Just 2 days before we were at field hockey tournament cheering her on. We laughed and talked about her birthday coming up and what day the coming week would get our eyebrows done. We where planning upcoming college visits. I went to the police but since she is 17 they said they wouldn't help us. Her boyfriend ( who is no stranger to law enforcement) told her what to say to them when they called her for a wellness check. She will not tell me where she is only that she is not coming home. I'm hoping that she snaps out of it but each day that passes that hope fades. I go through the motions of the day but I'm sad. I'm sad for what she is missing by her choices. I'm sad for her siblings because they miss her and we don't know what to say anymore. I'm also mad. Mad at her childish behavior. Mad at the police for blowing us off. Depressed by the whole thing. i'm having panic attacks. I'm just a mess. A big mess that puts on a smile all day at work and pretends that everything is just fine. Apparently I needed to get that out. Thank you for reading this. Today is another day. That was hard to read. I am so sorry. (((HUGS)))
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Post by hosschick on Aug 17, 2015 23:05:28 GMT
I typed out a longer post earlier but it was wiped out. What I will share is that I still remember calling my parents to share news of my engagement, and my mom's only reply was a dry, "Do you think that's wise?" The next time I spoke to my parents (I hadn't reached out to them, nor they to me) was when my dad called to let me know his mother had died. I said I'd see them at the funeral, and by the way, I'm married and 5 months pregnant. Our relationship never really recovered. We speak occasionally, might have a brief visit once every several years (halfway across the country from each other), but that air of disappointment still hovers. I guess all I'm trying to suggest is that you tread very carefully and gingerly here. I'm not saying pay for the wedding - I wouldn't - and there might not be one at all, but at this point, he is a legal adult and his decisions are his to make. I understand how difficult it is; my kid just turned 18 couldn't wait one more second to get out the door, and while her life right now might not be the one I envisioned in my crystal ball all those years ago, it's the one she's chosen and I choose to support her. (((hugs))) to you and jesslee as well.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2015 23:31:20 GMT
Hang in there - I think this entire board is behind you. I agree! And for that I say thank you to each and everyone here. Even if your not on "my side" or you don't agree with how we have handled it, I haven't felt trashed or beaten down at all. I appreciate everyone's input and insight and I take it all to heart.
I'm glad I have this place.
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Post by elaine on Aug 17, 2015 23:35:19 GMT
Hang in there - I think this entire board is behind you. I agree! And for that I say thank you to each and everyone here. Even if your not on "my side" or you don't agree with how we have handled it, I haven't felt trashed or beaten down at all. I appreciate everyone's input and insight and I take it all to heart.
I'm glad I have this place.
(((Hugs)))
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Post by darkchami on Aug 18, 2015 0:35:06 GMT
I typed out a longer post earlier but it was wiped out. What I will share is that I still remember calling my parents to share news of my engagement, and my mom's only reply was a dry, "Do you think that's wise?" The next time I spoke to my parents (I hadn't reached out to them, nor they to me) was when my dad called to let me know his mother had died. I said I'd see them at the funeral, and by the way, I'm married and 5 months pregnant. Our relationship never really recovered. We speak occasionally, might have a brief visit once every several years (halfway across the country from each other), but that air of disappointment still hovers. I guess all I'm trying to suggest is that you tread very carefully and gingerly here. I'm not saying pay for the wedding - I wouldn't - and there might not be one at all, but at this point, he is a legal adult and his decisions are his to make. I understand how difficult it is; my kid just turned 18 couldn't wait one more second to get out the door, and while her life right now might not be the one I envisioned in my crystal ball all those years ago, it's the one she's chosen and I choose to support her. (((hugs))) to you and jesslee as well. I can relate to this. When I got engaged at 20, I called my mom to tell her. She heard the excitement in my voice, and before I even got a chance to tell her she said, "Please don't tell me you are engaged." That did nothing to dissuade me from getting married. It did put a strain on the relationship with my mom. Whether it was the right or wrong decision didn't matter. It was my decision to make. I absolutely support your right to not pay for the wedding or anything else. Your son wants to make adult decisions. He needs to accept the adult consequences. I think you allow him to make his own mistakes. When he trips and falls, you help pick him up emotionally. The emotional support will help him make it over that obstacle. It will allow you to keep your relationship with your son.
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Post by Belia on Aug 18, 2015 1:07:06 GMT
If they ask for anything, simply tell them that you are respecting their very adult decisions by letting them BE adults and pay for it themselves. You are going to respect their relationship and their decision and that will be for they themselves to foot the bill. Ooooo.... this is SO GOOD!
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Aug 18, 2015 1:25:53 GMT
If your son wants to be an adult, it's time to cut the purse strings.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 18, 2015 1:42:28 GMT
I see this from so many angles. First off - I met my husband at 19, was engaged at 21 (while still in college) and married just 6 months after graduating. The absolute best decision of my life. I knew with absolute certainty that I had found the partner I could build a life with - and don't regret marrying young at all. We built our life together. And even in hindsight, I wouldn't change the timing. If my parents had tried to change my mind, it would not have gone well. This is completely separate of paying - how one uses their finances is a personal decision. My parents did contribute to our wedding, but at a level they were comfortable with - we paid for the majority of the wedding WE wanted. I never had a bit of an issue with that either. As an adult, who wanted to make the majority of the decisions on the wedding - I much preferred a set contribution that they were comfortable with than them holding the purse strings and expecting to control the event.
Now on the flip side - I've seen some severely bone headed young adults. I've also seen parents who enable their idiocy for far, far too long. I think boundaries are completely and totally appropriate. My best advice on that front is don't expect to control them or even frankly influence them at this point (a 20 year old) if they are bound and determined to learn life's lessons the hard way there's not a darn thing you can do about it. Your best bet is to treat them like the adult they are desperately trying to be (let's face it - so, so many young adults are wasting so much time and energy proving that they are separate and independent from their parents that they don't seem to frankly care that the decision is stupid, as long as it's not their parents decision). But as an ADULT - they own their decisions, particularly financially. Cushioning the reality of the decisions, will not help them realize they are on the wrong track (neither will lecturing fyi).
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Post by melanell on Aug 18, 2015 1:50:19 GMT
In my mind the difference is age (young vs. Older) and financial status at the time of the ring's purchase (broke vs. Doing alright). LOL When I was growing up a promise ring was a promise to be 'true' to the person who gave it, as in excluding dating others. An engagement ring was a 'Let's get married' ring. I've heard someone explain it that an engagement means that an engagement, meaning an event between two people, is currently in the works. Plans are being made and steps are being taken to countdown to that event. And that a promise ring, is just that. A promise, that someday, when the couple is ready, they will become engaged and start that planning process. in the meanwhile they promise to continue to be together and cultivate their relationship while they wait for whatever it is they feel needs to happen before the engagement, be it finishing college, simply being older, saving money, etc. Of course, that was just one person's idea of the difference between the 2 rings. And I have a feeling that for couples who opt to purchase a promise ring, the reasons can be as varied as the couples.
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Post by mlynn on Aug 18, 2015 2:42:22 GMT
A promise ring is like and engagement to become engaged. Or an engagement ring symbolizes a commitment to become married and a promise ring symbolizes a commitment to become engaged.
I think you are being too easy on your son and too hard on the girl. The only one responsible for your sons actions is your son. Se may influence him, but he chooses to let her. PERSONAL accountability. It kind of looks like he did not want to get her a ring, so he suckered you into footing the bill. That is on HIM.
I cannot imagine that this girl is going to be satisfied with a $60 ring. Especially once her friends start getting the real deal. hopefully they will not already be married when that happens.
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Mary Kay Lady
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Aug 18, 2015 5:17:02 GMT
So where are we now. No clue....I am very upset and don't want to talk to him. He has manipulated me so many times and I keep allowing him to do it. I have got to learn to say no to him and I have to learn so stop getting involved in his life. With DS it's all about what he wants (or she wants) and I need to just stay away from that. DH has done a very good job at setting healthly boundaries and I need to also. Oh...I don't have the $60 from him yet because he didn't have the money. But...they spent the weekend in Santa Cruz so apparently they have money for that. <sigh> PLEASE read the part that I have bolded and enlarged. Now re-read it. We teach people how to treat us. He clearly wants to act like an adult. Good for him. Let him. (Yes, I know that it's easy for me to say that because I'm not emotionally involved.) He has to learn that there are consequences for the choices that he's making. Some of the consequences are going to be hard. It will be hard for you to stand back and watch him make mistakes, but he has to learn. It's not much different than when he was a baby and learning to walk. I'm sure that he fell many times and cried and even got a bruise or two or three. But he did learn to walk. Not by holding onto your hand all the time, but by letting go and you letting him learn. Let go. Let him learn. He'll figure it out. About the wedding: You're the family of the groom. You don't pay for the wedding. The bride's family does. Yes, there are expenses for the groom's family, but the majority of the wedding expenses are paid by the bride's family. When I got married (I was one of 3 daughters) my parents gave me a budget. This was almost 30 years ago and I think it was $2k. When they announce that they're getting married, just smile and wish them well. You and your husband should decide on the amount of money that you can contribute toward the wedding and stick to it. If they want a lavish wedding then they can figure out how to pay for it. That's what adults do.
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AmeliaBloomer
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Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Aug 18, 2015 10:48:59 GMT
I understand the advice not to blame the girl. Your son is complicit...he makes choices. I get it. But...
All of us remember that this girl's parents welcomed a high school boy into their homes, and the pain caused by the suddenness and secrecy. They didn't even reach out to assure you he was safe, right? They were clearly trying to please/keep their daughter. (Why else would they be invested in respecting your son's need for secrecy?) For Pete's sake, who of us would ever do something like that???
No surprise that your red-blooded 19 year-old son wants to keep his live-in girlfriend happy. And with her comes a set of parents. Do they produce reactions - even advice and rules - that he prefers to yours and that girlfriend endorses? If so, that kind of influence could be both appealing and very difficult for a late-teen to resist, especially when he's beholden to them. But he could also very easily be used by these parents whose priority is their own daughter.
I'm rambling...but basically, I wonder who of these three are looking out for your son. And you're watching from afar, always thinking of his best interests, but being cautioned to bite your tongue and not dispense blame. I get the advice, but I also get how hard that must be and how much it hurts for your son to substitute another family for yours - and to know the parents' role in how that happened.
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Post by lovemybabes on Aug 18, 2015 15:27:32 GMT
Aww, sweetie. I had been hoping things were going well. I'm sorry that this is happening, but I think you have a good action plan, you know, with setting boundaries. (((HUGS))) honey!
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tduby1
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Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Aug 18, 2015 19:40:05 GMT
These are your words. Remember them and repeat them as many times as you need to for as long as it takes. Be friendly and kind, but completely noncommittal when it comes to their grand plans for life. Smile and nod. "Hmmmm. Interesting!" BUT DO NOT GIVE HIM ONE MORE DIME, OR ANYTHING WORTH ONE MORE DIME. When he asks for anything, say "I'm sorry, but that just won't work for me." Repeat, repeat, repeat. Be strong, mom. A young man who cannot afford $60 for an engagement ring has no business getting married. You know that... keep remembering that when things get tough. I agree with the ring part... A young man who thinks engagement rings cost $60 has no business getting married!!! Sixty dollars should be a cheap date night for "kids" that age....gas in the car, a handful of carnations, dinner at taco bell, a movie and maybe coffee on the way home (home being a dorm or mom's house). I feel so sad for you, op. Eh, I don't think a $60 engagement ring is an issue. In fact, it's kind of responsible to buy within their income bracket. Dh and I couldn't even afford an engagement ring and both our wedding rings cost under 200 for both. My parents paid for my dress and the caterer and we paid the rest w/in our means. We waited until DH had a job w insurance before having kids. We celebrated our 20th anniversary in April. (And I was suprised on our 9th anniversary with a complete set of rings). Now, I am not saying these two should get married because I don't know but I certainly don't think a $60 engagement ring means they shouldn't.
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Post by Baseballmom23 on Aug 18, 2015 19:53:04 GMT
needmysanity- I have thought of you often as you have gone through this struggle. I have been going through hell with my daugther and some days I don't know what to do. We just get through the day. Its hard when we love our children unconditionally. My daughter (17) took off in the middle of the night with her boyfriend about a month ago. We tried to set boundries and guide her to see that this boy was not a good person to be friends with let alone boyfriend. We did not forbid the relationship because we were afraid to push her towards him. Well she didn't like our rules (curfew at 11) and left. I was devastated and surprised by her sudden change in behavior. Just 2 days before we were at field hockey tournament cheering her on. We laughed and talked about her birthday coming up and what day the coming week would get our eyebrows done. We where planning upcoming college visits. I went to the police but since she is 17 they said they wouldn't help us. Her boyfriend ( who is no stranger to law enforcement) told her what to say to them when they called her for a wellness check. She will not tell me where she is only that she is not coming home. I'm hoping that she snaps out of it but each day that passes that hope fades. I go through the motions of the day but I'm sad. I'm sad for what she is missing by her choices. I'm sad for her siblings because they miss her and we don't know what to say anymore. I'm also mad. Mad at her childish behavior. Mad at the police for blowing us off. Depressed by the whole thing. i'm having panic attacks. I'm just a mess. A big mess that puts on a smile all day at work and pretends that everything is just fine. Apparently I needed to get that out. Thank you for reading this. Today is another day. {{{hugs}}}
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Post by Baseballmom23 on Aug 18, 2015 20:02:33 GMT
But the thing is (that everyone keeps skipping past) is that they are NOT planning a WEDDING, at least not YET. Oh they would be planning the wedding if we were on board with it. I guarantee you that! And now that her parents have given them their approval they may be planning it - I don't know. But if we were to say "we approve" I'm sure the wedding planning would be going on. She wants to be married now....not in a few years but right now.
I too have a son that dated a young lady who we felt wasn't the best for him. This reminds me of the time she told me she went into a bridal shop to look at dresses with her two aunts to see what my response would be. I said, "oh that's nice. Did you have a nice visit with your aunts?" Holding my tongue during this 1.5 yr relationship was hard. In the end, he broke up with her after getting tired of being treated poorly, graduated college (this past May) and came home.
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Post by Belia on Aug 18, 2015 23:38:49 GMT
Sorry- I boogered up the quoting. But anyway, you are 100% correct. Here's what I meant to say: $60 engagement ring = Fine! Especially if that's all you can afford! No problem. Having to borrow the $60 for an engagement ring = No way.
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Post by sunraynnc on Aug 19, 2015 1:33:28 GMT
The parents of the newly engaged "groom" invite the parents of the "bride" over for dinner. That's how it's done. Invite them all over, talk, build bridges, and celebrate their adulthood. Make sure everybody understands your position, though. (Hope they grad college first, groom's parents don't contribute, whatever.)
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tduby1
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Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Aug 19, 2015 10:04:07 GMT
Sorry- I boogered up the quoting. But anyway, you are 100% correct. Here's what I meant to say: $60 engagement ring = Fine! Especially if that's all you can afford! No problem. Having to borrow the $60 for an engagement ring = No way. That, I agree with. If he's borrowing it, it is not in his price range.
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happymomma
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Aug 6, 2014 23:57:56 GMT
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Post by happymomma on Aug 19, 2015 14:29:12 GMT
needmysanity, I wish I could give you a big hug. What I can do is give you a glimmer of HOPE. Which I think you really need right now. I have been in similar shoes. A few differences, but I know what your heart is feeling like. My son was and is the hardest working kid I've ever known. He hit the road to Montana right after HS graduation, worked there the summer and made piles of money. Came back in the fall and spent two years here in college paying for it by himself and with student loans. I didn't pay because he had won a settlement from a birth injury but got the money and BLEW through several thousand dollars when he turned 18. Would not listen to a soul, and everyone tried to tell him, so college was on him. After college graduation he moved back to Montana. Got a great job in the oil field industry. Made piles and piles of money and again, spent if foolishly. Partied like a rockstar and lived like one too. I tried to guide him constantly. All that did was make him avoid me. I HAD to learn that this kid was wide-ass open and was going to do whatever he wanted no matter what I advised. I used to cry real tears here at home because I was sure he was going to end up dead because of his partying ways. My husband, who is his step-dad, would hold me and tell me it WAS going to be okay. He told me he himself was a huge party guy at my son's age and look how he turned out. (Which is very good, financially responsible, doesn't drink, etc.) I did not for one moment believe him and was always waiting for a bad phone call. Eventually, I did have to shut my trap and let my son learn his own lessons from his actions. They weren't good ones. He got in over his head with bills to the point that no mater how hard he worked he was still in the hole. The bank took back his shiny new truck. He faced other consequences. I had to watch him fall. It killed me but once I stopped interjecting my advice he HAD to figure it out on his own. When he was 25, almost a year ago to the day, he had a life threatening health emergency. He ended up with open heart surgery and thank God he lived. I stayed with him in Montana for a month and helped him with his health. He ASKED me to help him get his financial mess figured out and under control. He is doing good now, a totally different kid then he was a year ago. See, once I stopped nagging at him (which did not work at all) he began to seek my advice on his own. Now he calls me and asks, "What should I do, Mom?" I still pinch myself when he does this because this is the kid that didn't want to hear a word I said. I don't tell him what to do. I talk things through with him and give him the pros and cons of a situation. And I ALWAYS tell him, "I can't make decisions for you son, but I can help you think through things." He is on a good road. He has always been a kind, generous and good person, but now he has added responsible to his list of qualities. I will tell you I never thought this would happen. My husband just smiles at me and says, "I told you. He just had to grow up. Boys take longer to do that. Especially hard-headed ones, lol." We are closer than we have ever been and talk or text every day. I don't worry about him like I used to, because like someone above said, I respect that he's an adult and he needs to live his adult life with the adult choices he makes, with the adult consequences it brings. I just want to give you that ray of hope. I know what it feels like to watch them make poor choice after poor choice. But you can't save them and you can't live their life for them. You can guide them when they come to you for advice. For example he is starting a new job and will have to obtain health insurance. I WILL help him because he has asked. I'll help him research the best deal for him, because he knows I am good at that kind of stuff and he'd be lost and pick just whatever to get it done. But I will do so WITH him at my side and the decision will be HIS. I don't agree a bit with the people here who dog on parents for helping guide their kids through life. Heck, I am nearly 50 years old and still ask my mom for advice at times. She knows more than I do! Nothing wrong with that. But...the kid has to want the help and ask for it. Otherwise it is just a meddling parent and nobody wants that. Hang in there sweetie. I KNOW it feels right now that he is ruining his life, and he may be. If he is, he will have to deal with that fallout and pick the pieces up eventually. But chances are he will eventually grow up. LOL. Take a deep breath and say, "It will all be okay." Because it will. Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter. BIG hugs.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Aug 19, 2015 14:48:50 GMT
I don't think it's a good idea to attempt to control your child's choices with promises of money. I don't see it as controling. I see it as motivation. But I am sure some people will see us "punishing" him for not paying for a wedding for a 19 & 20 yr old. Not me. I don't think it's "punishment" at all to refuse to finance an activity you feel is inappropriate. Hang strong. If he wants to be married, obviously you can't stop him, but that doesn't mean you need to foot the bill. And since it's your money I see nothing wrong with offering it "if" he or she completes school.
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