grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 17, 2015 11:24:21 GMT
I absolutely understand not wanting to pay for a marriage until they make a grown up decision and accomplish graduation so that they can have a stable future. I also understand being against marrying young or marrying hastily. Despite sucessful examples in my life, every single one of them will tell you that it wasn't easy and it would have been better to wait until they were older or after they graduated or had known each other longer. Instead of working towards making life easy for themselves, it sounds like your son and his girlfriend are just making stupid decisions that will just make their lives harder... and it's so foolish to do that, but they can't see it. I agree that your son needs to buckle down and take a proper course load, one class is not being serious about school. I know lots of people who take a full course load and work full time, but they have the motivation needed to do it. It sounds like your son lacks motivation and just wants to coast by being happy with "good enough" instead of the best possible. I have a hard time understanding people who don't strive for the highest goals and just sort of coast through life being "happy enough".
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Olan
Pearl Clutcher
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Posts: 4,046
Jul 13, 2014 21:23:27 GMT
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Post by Olan on Aug 17, 2015 11:37:55 GMT
I don't think it's a good idea to attempt to control your child's choices with promises of money. Really - are you a parent? DH and I made the promise to pay for DS's college education. For that we set out what our expectations were: good grades, good behavior and not getting a young lady pregnant. If that was an attempt to control his behavior I'm happy to own that. OP as a mother you certainly have the right to have expectations of your son. Your offer to help with a wedding was generous and to have expectations that these two would first continue their education so they can get good jobs and have a bright future seems reasonable to me and not manipulative. If he is man enough to make these decisions then he needs to figure out the rest on his own. I understand being broken hearted and angry, he played you. Sorry, hang in there. [/quote] Earlier in the thread I answered your question so for the record my empty womb and I have this stance: Telling your child when to propose and promising money for the decision you deem most appropriate isn't the same as withdrawing financial support for a child who isn't studying hard. Even forcing a child into a particular major is wrong I think. I don't have kids. I sympathize with her because I've followed the story but clearly this didn't work out the way she had hoped. And she didn't get played. Her parenting style just didn't work. He declined the "lets make a deal". He Doesn't want the dollar amount for one degree or it doubled if his manipulative girlfriend also gets an education. He made a choice. So far we have the kid living on his own while working part time and attending college. That falls under the your house your rules...my crappy apartment.....my rules! No?
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Aug 17, 2015 12:00:43 GMT
I don't think it's a good idea to attempt to control your child's choices with promises of money. Really - are you a parent? DH and I made the promise to pay for DS's college education. For that we set out what our expectations were: good grades, good behavior and not getting a young lady pregnant. If that was an attempt to control his behavior I'm happy to own that. OP as a mother you certainly have the right to have expectations of your son. Your offer to help with a wedding was generous and to have expectations that these two would first continue their education so they can get good jobs and have a bright future seems reasonable to me and not manipulative. If he is man enough to make these decisions then he needs to figure out the rest on his own. I understand being broken hearted and angry, he played you. Sorry, hang in there. Not all parents use money in this way. More then once my kids have asked me why they didn't get stuff when they they graded or made A's etc. I said because you make A's because you are capable of making As. We expect you to work hard because it's the right thing to do. Do they still get a bike when they outgrow the one they have? Yes, but I don't tie it to grading, or A's etc. It's because it's spring and kids ride bikes. I remember last year when my son says "Mom, do you know ________ gets 20 dollars for every A?" I looked at him and asked "What's your point?". This whole premise of promise rings makes me scratch my head. Once you have an expectation of marriage as a couple you are engaged. Maybe it's not flashy, expensive etc. A 60 dollar ring or an 860 dollar ring or 1,500 dollar ring doesn't make you any more engaged if the ring costs more. Plus they are all ready living together. To me it sound likes burying your head in the sand a bit and hoping it will all go away if they wait to get married. I am not saying shell out thousands of dollars for a big wedding. But to me a small wedding might be the first mature decision they make considering they are pretending at being a married couple anyhow.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,152
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 17, 2015 12:12:04 GMT
Really - are you a parent? DH and I made the promise to pay for DS's college education. For that we set out what our expectations were: good grades, good behavior and not getting a young lady pregnant. If that was an attempt to control his behavior I'm happy to own that. OP as a mother you certainly have the right to have expectations of your son. Your offer to help with a wedding was generous and to have expectations that these two would first continue their education so they can get good jobs and have a bright future seems reasonable to me and not manipulative. If he is man enough to make these decisions then he needs to figure out the rest on his own. I understand being broken hearted and angry, he played you. Sorry, hang in there. Earlier in the thread I answered your question: Telling your child when to propose and promising money for the decision you deem most appropriate isn't the same as withdrawing financial support for a child who isn't studying hard. Even forcing a child into a particular major is wrong I think. I don't have kids. I sympathize with her because I've followed the story but clearly this didn't work out the way she had hoped[/quote] I don't know that I agree with your thinking on this, I get your point, but here's the thing.... She told him that she'd help him if certain conditions were met - he can take or leave it. Her gift has conditions. We set grade expectations with our kids too or we don't pay for classes. It's dh/I money and we choose how to spend it. If they choose to work hard, they find themselves with the gift of education. Why should parents be expected to finance a kids crappy grades or a wedding for a teenager who has no business getting married? He can't afford a ring, dad put brakes in his car, etc., I don't see anything wrong with saying, when you've graduated we're willing to give you x amount for a wedding. OP i'm sorry you're still having such a rough time. I had one out making decisions at that age that made me want to tear my hair out...eventually she figured it all out, but it took a long time! I know it's difficult, but you were right on with learning some boundaries for yourself. It's tough, we have one who chooses only to work within his "field" and doesn't earn/work as much as he should. We've adopted a that's your choice attitude, but no longer feed into his money issues. Much like your son he chooses how many hours he's willing to work, therefore he's choosing how much money he's making/not making. In the end if his car doesn't run or he's hot because he doesn't have a/c he should pick up more hours!
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TheOtherMeg
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,541
Jun 25, 2014 20:58:14 GMT
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Post by TheOtherMeg on Aug 17, 2015 12:17:45 GMT
I don't see it as telling him when he can or cannot propose. I see it as telling him that when *HE makes HIS choice one way other the other* this will be the response his parents take. He's not being told he cannot propose, he's being told that if he chooses Plan B (to marry while in college), his parents will choose not to finance the wedding.
I really don't see this as any different than telling my kids they can drive the car (that we bought them and pay the insurance on) as long as their grades are to our standards, they manage their extracurriculars well, and stay out of trouble. Are we being manipulative or simply telling them ahead of time how to keep their driving privileges?
While in college, the gravy train was regular and generous, but the kids knew what was expected of them and knew what would happen if they didn't keep their grades up. We were open to discussion about things, though. One son wanted to take a semester off to participate in something about which he felt very strongly. He came to us and presented his case and we supported his choice. He continued to receive his monthly funds even though he wasn't in school. However, he knew the rule about staying in school and getting good grades and knew he had to weigh his desire against the *possibility* that he'd lose our financial support.
He knew this because we'd discussed it before he went away to college. Just like the OP has discussed with her son what it takes to get a financial contribution toward a wedding.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,785
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Aug 17, 2015 12:20:58 GMT
I'm assuming some things here but I wonder if they are the first of their friends to live together, get engaged etc. and they like the kudos/attention that comes with that. That's all fine and dandy while they are equal or better (in their eyes) to their peers but as time goes by and your DS does nothing to improve his lot they will see their friends graduate with an education that leads to better job opportunities, better houses to buy or rent in better areas, better holidays etc.
At that point I should imagine the notion of effort equalling advancement might make an impression.
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332
Jun 26, 2014 12:35:32 GMT
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Post by gloryjoy on Aug 17, 2015 12:31:23 GMT
I haven't read all the replies but I'm sorry things did not go as you expected.
I agree with what most of the pea's are saying, at this point you have to step back and let the chips fall where they may. He wants to be an adult and make adult decisions. Let him.
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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 17, 2015 13:00:06 GMT
I have said fairly frequently that I am a pretty laid back parent. I rarely throw out ultimatums, but expectations for what results should be while paying for college is one of those times. Actually, in the case of paying for college, my ex is pretty much fully funding my oldest to go to an out of state school and I am 100% on the 'make the grades or else the bank doors slam shut' bandwagon-and it isn't even my bank. In fact, when it came down to it, my expectations were greater than dad's and I was the one who laid out the consequences for non-compliance.
As a rule, I don't agree with providing assistance, calling it help and then dictating how the help is used. That isn't help, that is control. I do see a huge difference between school and some other scenarios where financial assistance is provided.
On top of all that though, I have watched my oldest make a series of really bonehead choices lately. I had to step back and realize that he is, by definition, a grown man and is entitled to make those mistakes and his own way. He is currently sitting his butt in boot camp and from what I am getting from him, he is starting to realize the error of his ways. Maybe on the other end he will make the changes he needs to, but if he doesn't then he gets to go on with his bad self.
This doesn't mean I don't love him, I do. It doesn't mean that if he comes to me for guidance I will turn him away. I will support him in the best ways I can. But ultimately, I raised him to be independent and that is what he is now. If he is old enough to sign on the dotted line for the Army, he is old enough to make his own way. I will always be there FOR him, but ultimately he has to make the final decisions for himself and follow his own path.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,811
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 17, 2015 13:13:37 GMT
URGH! Kids can truly hurt your heart. You just have to let him figure it out. I have a similar situation and all I can do is wait until he comes back to me. It is so hard, but after some hurtful things that were said about me, this is my best option. Hang in there, I am told they will come back!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 23:54:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2015 14:09:49 GMT
I am not saying shell out thousands of dollars for a big wedding. But to me a small wedding might be the first mature decision they make considering they are pretending at being a married couple anyhow. A small wedding isn't on her radar. She wants BIG. She asked me a few months ago how much it was for DH and I to get married on the beach. I told her hoping it would make her realize how expensive a wedding is. Her reply was something like "so if i wanted 200 people there it would cost more right?"
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Aug 17, 2015 14:11:45 GMT
I am not saying shell out thousands of dollars for a big wedding. But to me a small wedding might be the first mature decision they make considering they are pretending at being a married couple anyhow. A small wedding isn't on her radar. She wants BIG. She asked me a few months ago how much it was for DH and I to get married on the beach. I told her hoping it would make her realize how expensive a wedding is. Her reply was something like "so if i wanted 200 people there it would cost more right?" Good! Maybe that will force them to either save up (which will take a looooong time) or take you up on your offer, either way sounds like a long engagement is in order.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 17, 2015 14:14:42 GMT
I am not saying shell out thousands of dollars for a big wedding. But to me a small wedding might be the first mature decision they make considering they are pretending at being a married couple anyhow. A small wedding isn't on her radar. She wants BIG. She asked me a few months ago how much it was for DH and I to get married on the beach. I told her hoping it would make her realize how expensive a wedding is. Her reply was something like "so if i wanted 200 people there it would cost more right?" That doesn't surprise me at all. The target audience for the WIC is the young and naive princess bride types. Of course she wants it big and splashy... that's more "fun". There is no grounding in reality in this scenario... they will learn that without cash flow that kind of wedding is impossible... but it's so necessary they will just whine about it until they hopefully get a reality check. *roll eyes*
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Post by shaniam on Aug 17, 2015 14:18:29 GMT
You know, you think when you have babies it's all great and wonderful then you hit the teenage years and you think oh this isn't so wonderful but I can hang in there until they are 18 and I'll be done. But then they turn into adult children and you have to sit and watch them make stupid mistakes and you try to advise them and guide them and they pretend to listen and say they will take your advise. You sit and watch and they ignore your advise and watch them continue with their stupid mistakes and hopefully they realize you were right and they should've listened to you and followed your advise. Yep, I know that's a lot of fun on sentences but it just all fell out of my fingers as I typed it. Right there with you. Not with girlfriends/ engagements but suffering with adult children making stupid mistakes.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 23:54:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2015 14:24:57 GMT
I don't see it as telling him when he can or cannot propose. I see it as telling him that when *HE makes HIS choice one way other the other* this will be the response his parents take. He's not being told he cannot propose, he's being told that if he chooses Plan B (to marry while in college), his parents will choose not to finance the wedding. I really don't see this as any different than telling my kids they can drive the car (that we bought them and pay the insurance on) as long as their grades are to our standards, they manage their extracurriculars well, and stay out of trouble. Are we being manipulative or simply telling them ahead of time how to keep their driving privileges? While in college, the gravy train was regular and generous, but the kids knew what was expected of them and knew what would happen if they didn't keep their grades up. We were open to discussion about things, though. One son wanted to take a semester off to participate in something about which he felt very strongly. He came to us and presented his case and we supported his choice. He continued to receive his monthly funds even though he wasn't in school. However, he knew the rule about staying in school and getting good grades and knew he had to weigh his desire against the *possibility* that he'd lose our financial support. He knew this because we'd discussed it before he went away to college. Just like the OP has discussed with her son what it takes to get a financial contribution toward a wedding. We have four children the youngest of which has special needs. This is not just a money issue as some have been making it. It is parenting 101....every action has consequences whether good or bad. The consequences of his choice were laidout...he agreed to them...and now has to deal with the no $$$. One of our kids didn't keep his college grades up, so no $$$ was given, he saw the consequences when the government started asking for $$$, while his sister made straight As in college. No grumbling from him....he knew the consequences ....
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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 17, 2015 14:48:32 GMT
You know, you think when you have babies it's all great and wonderful then you hit the teenage years and you think oh this isn't so wonderful but I can hang in there until they are 18 and I'll be done. But then they turn into adult children and you have to sit and watch them make stupid mistakes and you try to advise them and guide them and they pretend to listen and say they will take your advise. You sit and watch and they ignore your advise and watch them continue with their stupid mistakes and hopefully they realize you were right and they should've listened to you and followed your advise. Yep, I know that's a lot of fun on sentences but it just all fell out of my fingers as I typed it. Right there with you. Not with girlfriends/ engagements but suffering with adult children making stupid mistakes. I am 49. My mom and I just had this discussion and according to her 'child' rearing is NEVER over. And when I think about all the times I call and ask for advice or help, I think she is right. She is never done worrying over us kids. I suspect it will always be that way. She and I have an amazing relationship, so it isn't a control thing with us, just that I will always be her child.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,540
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Aug 17, 2015 14:55:38 GMT
Yep. From his vantage point I suspect he is "ok" with it. He's making his own decisions, and keeping the GF happy. I hope for all of you that will change. may take years, but the chance for change is always there. He needs to truly hit rock bottom.
Don't want to increase your hours at starbucks when you can? Then you're constantly broke. Don't like living in poverty? Go back to school. Took me a long time to learn sometimes you gotta swim in the shit to get where you want to go. But he has to get there, you can't force it. no matter how much it hurts your mama heart. I agree with those who say no more $$. You need a meal, sure. You need health insurance? As long as we can. That's it. You want a ring? You pay for it.
I'm 42, and still going to school. I'm lucky that my employer will reimburse me, but forcing myself to leave my family after working a full 8 hour day and going into the classroom just plain sucks. But the reality is I know the training will pay off. Doesn't make it any easier to go through the door, but it took me a long time to see the long game.
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Post by elaine on Aug 17, 2015 15:05:01 GMT
Reality check time.
There is nothing evil or wrong in wanting a big wedding. Just because she cannot afford one doesn't make her a bad person for succumbing to popular culture and dreaming of a big wedding. Starting with Disney princesses up to Say Yes to the Dress, our pop culture is all about big ass weddings.
While your son's life may not be what you want for him, he's not doing too badly. He IS working. He IS in college taking classes.
He is NOT doing drugs. He is NOT engaged in some illegal method of making money. He is NOT sleeping around, picking up STDs and getting random women pregnant. You aren't having to bail him out of jail. You aren't having to check him into rehab.
I get that this isn't what you want, it isn't what you would do, and it is heart breaking for you to watch. But, at this point in time, your son IS doing okay.
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Post by Tamhugh on Aug 17, 2015 15:18:56 GMT
ETA: stop making this about her and what you "think" is her influence. Your son is making his own choices and needs to be responsible and accountable for them. There are few things more annoying than moms blaming "the girlfriend" for their sons' poor choices. (I say this as a mom of only boys). You don't do anyone any favors by blaming her for your son's choices. I agree so much with this. I have posted before that I went through a really rough stage with my oldest DS a few years ago. He was involved in a very toxic relationship all through college. DH and I initially liked the girl. Over time, some patterns emerged worried us. We caught her in several serious lies and found out she was using us/DS to cover things she was lying about to her parents, whom we occasionally socialized with. We sat her down and told her that if it happened again, we would have to let her parents know it wasn't true. From then on, she hated us and went out of her way to let us, DS and everyone else know it. It was a long four years where we weren't sure we would have any relationship with our DS after it. In the end, she issued too many ultimatums and it ended. His self esteem and confidence are still recovering. His relationships with friends and family have been mostly repaired now that a few years have passed. During those years, I resented her and was angry with her for trying to keep him from his family. I resented her for attempting to destroy his friendships. I disliked her for how she treated her own family. But in the end, the one I blamed was my son (with a healthy dose of blame for myself and my own bad handling of it) because he allowed it. It was his family and his friends that he was allowing to be abused and mistreated by this girl. It was his actions that hurt me and devastated both DH and me.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Aug 17, 2015 15:31:04 GMT
I don't see it as telling him when he can or cannot propose. I see it as telling him that when *HE makes HIS choice one way other the other* this will be the response his parents take. He's not being told he cannot propose, he's being told that if he chooses Plan B (to marry while in college), his parents will choose not to finance the wedding. I really don't see this as any different than telling my kids they can drive the car (that we bought them and pay the insurance on) as long as their grades are to our standards, they manage their extracurriculars well, and stay out of trouble. Are we being manipulative or simply telling them ahead of time how to keep their driving privileges? While in college, the gravy train was regular and generous, but the kids knew what was expected of them and knew what would happen if they didn't keep their grades up. We were open to discussion about things, though. One son wanted to take a semester off to participate in something about which he felt very strongly. He came to us and presented his case and we supported his choice. He continued to receive his monthly funds even though he wasn't in school. However, he knew the rule about staying in school and getting good grades and knew he had to weigh his desire against the *possibility* that he'd lose our financial support. He knew this because we'd discussed it before he went away to college. Just like the OP has discussed with her son what it takes to get a financial contribution toward a wedding. We have four children the youngest of which has special needs. This is not just a money issue as some have been making it. It is parenting 101....every action has consequences whether good or bad. The consequences of his choice were laidout...he agreed to them...and now has to deal with the no $$$.
One of our kids didn't keep his college grades up, so no $$$ was given, he saw the consequences when the government started asking for $$$, while his sister made straight As in college. No grumbling from him....he knew the consequences .... Exactly what I was trying to convey, but you said it much better.
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Post by jesslee on Aug 17, 2015 15:32:05 GMT
needmysanity- I have thought of you often as you have gone through this struggle.
I have been going through hell with my daugther and some days I don't know what to do. We just get through the day. Its hard when we love our children unconditionally. My daughter (17) took off in the middle of the night with her boyfriend about a month ago. We tried to set boundries and guide her to see that this boy was not a good person to be friends with let alone boyfriend. We did not forbid the relationship because we were afraid to push her towards him. Well she didn't like our rules (curfew at 11) and left. I was devastated and surprised by her sudden change in behavior. Just 2 days before we were at field hockey tournament cheering her on. We laughed and talked about her birthday coming up and what day the coming week would get our eyebrows done. We where planning upcoming college visits. I went to the police but since she is 17 they said they wouldn't help us. Her boyfriend ( who is no stranger to law enforcement) told her what to say to them when they called her for a wellness check. She will not tell me where she is only that she is not coming home. I'm hoping that she snaps out of it but each day that passes that hope fades. I go through the motions of the day but I'm sad. I'm sad for what she is missing by her choices. I'm sad for her siblings because they miss her and we don't know what to say anymore. I'm also mad. Mad at her childish behavior. Mad at the police for blowing us off. Depressed by the whole thing. i'm having panic attacks. I'm just a mess. A big mess that puts on a smile all day at work and pretends that everything is just fine.
Apparently I needed to get that out. Thank you for reading this. Today is another day.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 17, 2015 15:35:13 GMT
We have four children the youngest of which has special needs. This is not just a money issue as some have been making it. It is parenting 101....every action has consequences whether good or bad. The consequences of his choice were laidout...he agreed to them...and now has to deal with the no $$$.One of our kids didn't keep his college grades up, so no $$$ was given, he saw the consequences when the government started asking for $$$, while his sister made straight As in college. No grumbling from him....he knew the consequences .... But the thing is (that everyone keeps skipping past) is that they are NOT planning a WEDDING, at least not YET. He gave her a cheapie ring (promise ring, engagement ring, it's all just semantics at this point) and they are saying they're engaged. Okay, whatever. That could go on for YEARS, and all you can hope at this point is that it does and that they give themselves a chance to grow up a little and learn some responsibility first. I'm sure that when DH first mentioned to his parents that he wanted to buy me a ring, they probably freaked out too. He was a full time college student on a full ride scholarship, 19 years old, living with me already and working anywhere between 20-30 hours a week. I was working full time to pay our rent and other living expenses, and we got no help from our parents for any of that. We knew that going in, but I had a decent job and knew we could cover what we needed. We were engaged for 2.5 years. I would have happily waited another year for him to be done with school, but he really wanted his grandparents to be there at the wedding and they were in their 80's and not in good health. So for that reason, we went ahead and had the wedding when we did. We'd been together for four years at that point. His parents and my mom each kicked in $1500 toward our wedding and his grandpa's dying wish was to give us a honeymoon. Other than that we paid for everything else ourselves, so naturally it was a really small event and we were both okay with that.
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Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Aug 17, 2015 15:42:41 GMT
I am not saying shell out thousands of dollars for a big wedding. But to me a small wedding might be the first mature decision they make considering they are pretending at being a married couple anyhow. A small wedding isn't on her radar. She wants BIG. She asked me a few months ago how much it was for DH and I to get married on the beach. I told her hoping it would make her realize how expensive a wedding is. Her reply was something like "so if i wanted 200 people there it would cost more right?" OP, this gives me a sinking feeling. Stick to your guns and get those healthy boundaries you spoke of way upthread in place. The Peas have your back.
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Post by myboysnme on Aug 17, 2015 16:14:35 GMT
We were hoping paying for the wedding would be incentive for them to actually get through college. Kids/adults like this need more of an immediate gratification to motivate them. Some far off unspecified wedding would not motivate them. You would be lucky to have them be motivated even in the short term, such as, I will help you buy GF a ring when you finish your class this semester and pass. If you give them the money beforehand, forget it. You will get nothing in return.
I have one of these kids and it is a challenge. Every time I give him something I have to give it freely without strings of any kind or it makes me crazy, not him. He got what he wanted so he's happy as a clam.
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Post by elaine on Aug 17, 2015 16:15:05 GMT
needmysanity- I have thought of you often as you have gone through this struggle. I have been going through hell with my daugther and some days I don't know what to do. We just get through the day. Its hard when we love our children unconditionally. My daughter (17) took off in the middle of the night with her boyfriend about a month ago. We tried to set boundries and guide her to see that this boy was not a good person to be friends with let alone boyfriend. We did not forbid the relationship because we were afraid to push her towards him. Well she didn't like our rules (curfew at 11) and left. I was devastated and surprised by her sudden change in behavior. Just 2 days before we were at field hockey tournament cheering her on. We laughed and talked about her birthday coming up and what day the coming week would get our eyebrows done. We where planning upcoming college visits. I went to the police but since she is 17 they said they wouldn't help us. Her boyfriend ( who is no stranger to law enforcement) told her what to say to them when they called her for a wellness check. She will not tell me where she is only that she is not coming home. I'm hoping that she snaps out of it but each day that passes that hope fades. I go through the motions of the day but I'm sad. I'm sad for what she is missing by her choices. I'm sad for her siblings because they miss her and we don't know what to say anymore. I'm also mad. Mad at her childish behavior. Mad at the police for blowing us off. Depressed by the whole thing. i'm having panic attacks. I'm just a mess. A big mess that puts on a smile all day at work and pretends that everything is just fine. Apparently I needed to get that out. Thank you for reading this. Today is another day. (((Hugs)))
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Post by myboysnme on Aug 17, 2015 16:19:58 GMT
What is the difference between a "promise" ring and an engagement ring anyhow? In my mind the difference is age (young vs. Older) and financial status at the time of the ring's purchase (broke vs. Doing alright). LOL When I was growing up a promise ring was a promise to be 'true' to the person who gave it, as in excluding dating others. An engagement ring was a 'Let's get married' ring.
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Post by Dictionary on Aug 17, 2015 16:38:49 GMT
Girl I so feel your pain, the only thing that keeps running into my mind as you try and stay uninvolved are the thought of grandchildren. He is just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. I surely hope this is a very long engagement and I am sure you will have no trouble saying No when the subject comes up about paying for some part of it. This is one of the times I would fantasize about hiring some other girl to get him to see that there are more fish in the sea. HUGS!
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 17, 2015 16:42:49 GMT
My daughter is 18 and I would absolutely be doing the incentive like you are. I even did a little of it last night. She isn't dating anyone but I told her we would put more towards a wedding if she has the 4 year degree in hand. I don't have mine and it's my biggest life regret. It has made some things very difficult for me. I will be sorely disappointed if my kids don't get their's. Sure, they can make a happy life without one but I prefer they have it in their back pocket just in case.
OP-I think you are doing the right thing. Do not give him one more cent though. If he wants to "play house" as my mom would say, let him foot the bill.
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Post by BoilerUp! on Aug 17, 2015 17:06:18 GMT
I am sorry you are going through this. I have one of these sons too.
I truly feel your pain, big hugs!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 23:54:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2015 17:45:12 GMT
needmysanity- I have thought of you often as you have gone through this struggle. I have been going through hell with my daugther and some days I don't know what to do. We just get through the day. Its hard when we love our children unconditionally. My daughter (17) took off in the middle of the night with her boyfriend about a month ago. We tried to set boundries and guide her to see that this boy was not a good person to be friends with let alone boyfriend. We did not forbid the relationship because we were afraid to push her towards him. Well she didn't like our rules (curfew at 11) and left. I was devastated and surprised by her sudden change in behavior. Just 2 days before we were at field hockey tournament cheering her on. We laughed and talked about her birthday coming up and what day the coming week would get our eyebrows done. We where planning upcoming college visits. I went to the police but since she is 17 they said they wouldn't help us. Her boyfriend ( who is no stranger to law enforcement) told her what to say to them when they called her for a wellness check. She will not tell me where she is only that she is not coming home. I'm hoping that she snaps out of it but each day that passes that hope fades. I go through the motions of the day but I'm sad. I'm sad for what she is missing by her choices. I'm sad for her siblings because they miss her and we don't know what to say anymore. I'm also mad. Mad at her childish behavior. Mad at the police for blowing us off. Depressed by the whole thing. i'm having panic attacks. I'm just a mess. A big mess that puts on a smile all day at work and pretends that everything is just fine. Apparently I needed to get that out. Thank you for reading this. Today is another day. Hugs
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 23:54:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2015 17:47:13 GMT
But the thing is (that everyone keeps skipping past) is that they are NOT planning a WEDDING, at least not YET. Oh they would be planning the wedding if we were on board with it. I guarantee you that! And now that her parents have given them their approval they may be planning it - I don't know. But if we were to say "we approve" I'm sure the wedding planning would be going on. She wants to be married now....not in a few years but right now.
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